(No Control | Holding Me Ransom - 5 - We're Going In Circles)
"Come in," I hear Karen say, although her words are partially drowned out by the thud of my heart and the whoosh of my blood rushing through my veins.
"This was a set up," Jess says, in a resigned tone. "I am so stupid."
"Just come in and have a seat," Karen offers.
"No thanks," she replies, casually. "I'm out of here. I'll get Antos to drop me off at the Daily Mail offices, I'm sure they'll be interested in all of this."
I don't even have the energy to react to this. I know she's lying. If there's one thing I've learned about her, it's that I can trust her with my deepest, darkest secrets, and I know she'd never tell. She doesn't have a vindictive bone in her body.
"Harry!" Karen cries, desperately, but what does she want me to say? I can't even look up. If I do, I know my heart will break at the sight of Jess. I can't do it.
"Jess!" Karen calls into the corridor, and her voice echoes around the concrete walls. "He didn't know you were coming!"
"Now why doesn't that surprise me?" comes the response.
She sounds furious.
"You said you'd hear me out," Karen says.
"You said this wasn't a set up," Jess accuses, and I feel a flush of embarrassment at Karen forcing her to come here like this, clearly under false pretences. She obviously doesn't want to be in the same room as me. That realisation pains me.
"I never said that," Karen argues. "I needed to get you here, any way that I could."
"Well I'm not staying, sorry. Bye."
I stand up quickly, avoiding looking at Jess.
"It's fine, I'll wait outside," I mutter, turning sideways to get out of the room without encroaching on her personal space. I actually hold my breath as I slip past her. If I catch her scent, I will break.
"Stay where you are," Karen barks, furiously, and I pause behind Jess, my heart pounding. "You are both adults!" she reminds us, harshly. "You mean to tell me you can't spend five minutes in the same room? Jess, listen to me now, and you'll never have to hear from me again. Sit down."
We both obey, meekly; Jess taking the further of the two chairs. I sit down next to her and stare down at the floor, letting my hair fall forwards, blocking her from my view.
Karen closes the door and takes the seat behind her desk, clasping her hands together and facing us.
"Harry's been getting bad press," she says, briskly.
"That's not my problem," Jess says bluntly, and my heart lurches at the sound of her voice.
"No, but you can help to change that," Karen responds, unfazed by the interruption. "The press are desperate for more information on all of this. You know his name sells papers. They want something - anything - on him. If you would just let them see you together, it doesn't have to be for long... it would cast doubt over all their reports."
They're talking about me like I'm not here.
I wish I wasn't here.
"No," Jess says.
"Why not?" Karen asks.
"Because you are asking me to make the world think I have taken back someone who has cheated on me," she replies, her voice slightly louder than usual. "And I would never do that. It goes against everything I believe in."
I can tell she's nervous. I want to take her in my arms and tell her she doesn't have to do anything she doesn't want to do. I don't have the right to touch her, though.
"That's not strictly true," Karen says, diplomatically. "You asked him to try and work things out."
Oh, fuck.
There is a stunned silence in the room. I daren't look up. Why did Karen have to bring that up?
"You told her that?" Jess breathes, in disbelief.
She's addressing me.
"No," I reply. My voice sounds weird.
"No what?"
"No, I didn't tell her," I expand, staring at the tip of my shoe.
"So how does she know?" she presses.
"Louis told me," Karen puts in.
"Louis?!" Jess echoes, and I can tell she has turned back to Karen again. "You've been talking about me to Louis?"
"Everyone is talking about you," Karen sighs. "You caused a lot of problems when you unfollowed Harry on all your social media."
"For heaven's sake," Jess says exasperatedly. "All this because of Twitter."
"And Facebook," Karen reminds us. "And Instagram."
"How do you even know about my Instagram?" she demands. "I don't post anything. I don't think I even have any followers."
Well, the shıt is about to hit the fan. Big time.
"We ran a search on your email addresses across all social media platforms as soon as we found out about you," Karen says, robotically. "We've been keeping tabs on your posts, making sure you don't say or do anything that could be seen as controversial and could damage the band's image."
I cringe at her words, waiting for the explosion I know is coming from Jess.
"Are you actually serious?" she says is a low voice.
I recognise that tone. She's used it on Calvin before when she was really, really angry. My heart is thumping.
"Did you know about this?" I hear her snap, but I keep my eyes fixed on the floor, wishing I was anywhere but here right now.
"STOP IGNORING ME, DAMMIT!" she screams at me, and the fury in her voice brings me up short. I physically jump and lift my head to look at her face, focussing on her lips.
Big mistake.
My heart lurches and I feel like I've been winded. I don't know what the hell is wrong with me.
"No, I didn't. Not exactly," I say quickly, and avert my gaze in an attempt to stop my body from trembling.
"What do you mean, not exactly?"
"Harry knows it goes on," Karen pipes up, when I don't say anything. I send her a silent thank you in my head.
"This is just unbelievable," Jess muses.
"It's a messed up world," Karen nods.
"You make it messed up!" Jess snaps, and I can tell she is talking to Karen again. "You can't just stalk people's social media like this, without their permission."
"We can only see the stuff that is public," Karen says, in a bored tone. "And it's easy enough to find connected accounts if you have the right information. We don't do anything illegal."
There is a pause, and I sneak a glance at Jess to see she is looking around the room impatiently.
"Jess..," Karen begins again, in a softer tone, "I'm sorry for the way things turned out with you and Harry, but... if you could just reconsider my request... one sighting is all we're asking - " I look up and glare at her. "I'm asking...," she corrects herself, with the briefest expression of impatience.
"You really knew nothing about this?" Jess says to me, also in a softer tone.
"No," I say truthfully.
"This was my idea," Karen admits. "I thought if you could just have a conversation, maybe sort things out, even just stay friends..."
Now she's going for the soft approach. I'd forgotten just how manipulative Karen can be. The higher the stake, the worse she is.
"You need to stop meddling," Jess fires at Karen. "Not everybody jumps when you click your fingers. Especially not me."
She's got Karen completely sussed. It's funny.
"I've begun to notice," Karen says, unamused. I suppress a smirk.
"I'm not changing my mind," Jess declares. "I am not budging on this."
"Why?" Karen challenges, changing tack again. "What difference will it make to you? You're not constantly in the public eye."
"That doesn't mean I don't care about what people think of me!" Jess huffs. "I never wanted any of this publicity! I did my best to keep my relationship with Harry a secret. I never posted anything about it on Twitter, and I never responded to a single comment, from anyone. I played by your rules the whole time."
My heart aches at the truth in her words. She never did anything to deserve this. I bet she regrets ever crossing paths with me.
"You need to toughen up," Karen sneers. "You need to let these things go over your head."
"Like Harry does, you mean?" Jess laughs, harshly. "That's the whole reason we're here isn't it? Because Harry's supposedly upset that the world has turned on him for being a man-whore?"
Ouch. I'm hardly a man-whore.
"He lives his life in the public eye," Karen explains, matter-of-factly. "You can go back to being anonymous whenever you want. Harry will never be able to do that."
"Not my problem."
Double ouch.
"If you ever cared about him you'll do this, Jess," Karen says in a slightly raised tone that I know she uses when she thinks she has won an argument.
A loud bang makes me jump again and I look up to see Jess has smacked her fist on the table and is glowering at Karen, trembling.
"Stop trying to manipulate me!" she spits. "It isn't going to work! You know nothing about my feelings in any of this - neither of you do!"
She looks Karen straight in the eye, and I have a strange feeling that in another time and place, Karen would have met her match in Jess.
"You sit there in your pristine suit with your lacquered hair and your painted nails, thinking you control everyone's lives," Jess spits, but before I can mentally cheer her on she turns on me too. "And you... you sit there refusing even to look at me, like the mere sight of me repulses you, yet you expect me to go along with this farce because what? We had a thing for a few weeks?" she scoffs. "Not happening, sorry."
A thing.
A thing, for a few weeks.
Maybe she's right. Maybe that is all it was.
Why does my heart feel like it's being ripped out of my chest?
"Jess -" Karen starts, but Jess cuts her off impatiently.
"No! We're going round in circles!"
I watch her as she takes a second to formulate her attack, and even though I know I will be on the receiving end of at least some of it, I can't help admiring her strength and her pluck.
"You know the worst thing?" she hisses. "I actually believed I might get some answers today, or maybe just an insight into what the hell really happened."
What is she talking about? I told her what happened. She made me relive it in all its sordid detail.
"And maybe, just maybe, if you'd given me that and treated me with respect, you may have been in with a chance of convincing me to go along with it."
I don't know how I feel about this admission.
"But you blew it big style when you brought him here," she says, furiously, gesturing to me like I am scum, "without telling me. I don't trust you - either of you. All I've had from you both is lies. You should know by now I'm not a pushover," she says, directing this last part at me.
"You know what happened," I mumble to my feet. "I already told you."
"I don't know why it happened," she says, and I detect a tone of pleading in her voice, reminding me of how I broke her heart with my inexcusable infidelity. I don't deserve to be anywhere near her after what I did to her. I don't care what anyone says - I made the right decision in ending things.
"Neither do I," I mutter bitterly, and she sighs.
"This is pointless," she says, getting to her feet. "I'm going home."
I pull my feet out of the way so she doesn't have to step over me, but before she moves she reaches for my phone on the table. I watch, almost in slow motion as she goes to press the home button.
Her picture is still on my lock screen. If she presses that button, she'll see it!
FUCK!
I throw myself forward and snatch my phone off the table before she can press it.
"What are you doing?" I hiss, and she recoils at the sound of my voice.
"I - I was just looking at the time," she says, timidly, as I shove my phone into the pocket of my jeans (with difficulty), and glance at my watch.
My hands are visibly shaking.
"It's nearly quarter to seven," I snap. "You could have just asked."
"What the hell is your problem?" she snarls. "Afraid I was going to see some incriminating texts from your latest hook-up?"
I see red.
"Don't be stupid!" I hurl, nastily.
"You can't blame me for thinking that, with your track record," she throws back.
Below the fuckıng belt.
"Once is hardly a track record," I remind her.
"Tokyo?" she snaps. "Manila? New York?"
My anger is rising by the second.
"Taylor Swift?" she finishes, to add insult to injury.
I can't believe she went there.
"Don't start that again," I growl. "They were different."
"Course they were," she retorts, her voice dripping with sarcasm. "There's always an excuse to get you out of trouble, isn't there? And they were just the ones that became public knowledge. God knows how many others there have been that you managed to keep quiet. I should get myself checked out by the doctor, just in case."
"What the hell is that supposed to mean?" I shout, glaring up at her, unable to believe what I just heard. She's accusing me of giving her a sexually transmitted infection?
I think my heart might actually be breaking.
"It means, you convinced me to go on the pill, so God knows what I could have caught," she fires at me.
I am so angry, my vision has gone blurry. I get to my feet and glower at her in fury.
"How dare you," I hiss, through gritted teeth. "I never slept with anyone while I was with you, apart from the one you know about. And I have never slept with anyone other than you without a condom. You know that."
Why has she suddenly turned into a spiteful bitch? Does she really think I have been shagging around behind her back?
Don't answer that.
"You didn't use a condom?!" Karen yelps, standing up behind her desk.
Great. I'd forgotten she was even in the room.
"You're a liar," Jess says to me, with a look of pure disdain. "Who knows what's true and what isn't when it comes out of your mouth? I can't trust you. I will never be able to trust you. All you did was let me down, from the minute I fell for you in LA to the minute we ended."
I feel like I've been punched. She fell in love with me in LA?
"And I was just stupid little Jess, head over heels for Harry Styles," she carries on, but I'm barely listening, "when all the time you were just stringing me along for your own entertainment. Well maybe it's time I had my own entertainment. I wonder what the fee is for a celebrity kiss and tell these days? I might shop around, get a few quotes. I'm sure they'll be fighting to get their grubby little paws on this exclusive."
She fell in love with me in LA.
I don't know why this matters, but hearing her talk about the way she felt about me makes me want to curl up in a ball and cry.
"I'll have you silenced," Karen is blustering.
"How? With the NDA I didn't sign?" Jess reminds her with a derisive laugh. "Bad luck for you. Pound signs for me."
"I can get an injunction to prevent you selling your story if I can prove it isn't in the public interest," Karen replies.
"Like you did with the last two?" she sneers. "Like you did with Louis?"
There is another stunned silence. I look up at Karen. She is white as a sheet.
What did Jess mean when she said she fell for me in LA? Why bring that up now?
"What did you just say?" Karen asks, hoarsely, and Jess is momentarily stumped.
"Louis - and the girl in Bangkok," she blinks, and Karen lets out a sigh of relief.
She must have thought I'd told Jess about Briana.
"What the fucķ is going on with Louis?!" Jess shouts in frustration.
What the fųck did you mean about LA?! I want to shout.
I open my mouth to ask, but Karen talks over me.
"Nothing you'll be finding out anytime soon with those threats you've just made," she says firmly, with a slight tremor in her voice.
I don't know why she's worried. Jess won't carry them out.
What happened in LA to make her fall in love with me?
"Whatever," Jess says, rolling her eyes. "I don't give a toss. I'm done with the lot of you. You can keep your shade and your undercover shagging around. I am well out of it."
Why am I even torturing myself with these thoughts? It's not like it matters now anyway.
"What did you mean, you fell for me in LA?" I blurt.
For fuçk's sake.
"What?" she asks, giving me a disinterested look.
"You said just then, from the minute you fell for me in LA," I explain.
My heart is pounding. Like, so hard you can see it in my chest.
"Did I?" she says casually, with a small shrug.
"You need to tell me if there's even the slightest possibility you might be pregnant," Karen butts in, and we both turn to look at her in disbelief.
"What?" Jess says, incredulously. "Have you lost your fųcking mind?!"
"If you haven't been taking your contraceptive pill properly -" Karen stammers.
"I do know how it works!" Jess yells. "Of course I have!"
Karen turns to me. Her face looks almost green.
"What the hell were you thinking, not using a condom?!" She looks like she's about to vomit. The pregnancy card has been a bit overused lately.
I don't really see how this is important, though. I want to know what Jess meant about LA. Did she really fall in love with me so early on?
"Excuse me!" Jess snaps, and Karen and I both turn to her again. "That is none of your business! Our choice of contraception has nothing to do with you! That was between me and Harry!"
"Anything could have happened," Karen continues, directing her wrath at me. "What if she'd stopped taking it?"
Jess wouldn't do that. She wouldn't trap me. I trust her.
"Don't talk about me like I'm not here!" Jess explodes.
"She's not stupid," I say to Karen, as calmly as I can.
"She's just threatened you with a kiss and tell for crying out loud!" Karen splutters.
"Screw this," Jess says, shaking her head no doubt at the lunacy of this whole conversation. "I'm gone."
She steps past me, and out of the corner of her eye I see her give Karen's glass of water a sharp jab with her index finger, causing it to topple over, splashing its contents over the desk and up Karen's skirt. Karen gasps loudly and I can't help smirking at Jess's pure attitude.
That's my girl.
"See you around. Or not," Jess says casually, and I suddenly realise, all too late, that she is walking out of my life for the last time. Without thinking it through, I reach out and grab her hand, forcing her to stop and turn to me.
For the first time since she walked into the office, I look into her eyes. The pain and misery staring back at me take my breath away. What the hell have I done?
I need to let her go, and stop hurting her. It's the least I owe her, after everything I've put her through. She's too pure to be mixed up in my artificial world.
"I'm sorry," I say softly; earnestly. "For- "
I hestitate, not even knowing where to begin.
"For everything," I say, finally.
"Me too," she replies bitterly, pulling her hand out of my grasp. Our eyes are locked for a second, before she turns and walks out of the room.
I listen to the sound of her footsteps echoing in the empty corridor.
I sit back down in the chair and put my head in my hands, wishing more than anything that I could turn back time.