Trace of Innocence | Sweet and Sour (Book 4)

Chapter 9

(No Control | Holding Me Ransom - 9 - Find Out Your Secret)

It's about 9.30 when I get a text from Louis.

We're going to Libertine. Jess is coming too. Get your arse in gear and meet us there.

My stomach jolts nervously as I read these words and I bolt upright from my horizontal position on the sofa. How the hell has this even happened? Why is Louis in contact with Jess?

My Jess??? I reply, so fast I hit a couple of extra letters and have to backspace before I send.

Yep, comes the immediate reply.

I call him.

"Harold," he answers, almost smugly.

"What's going on?" I ask, as calmly as I can, ignoring my trembling insides.

"She's out with her friends, so I asked her to come and meet us and told her I'd put her on the guest list," he tells me. "So for fųck's sake get your arse down there. This is your opportunity to talk to her and put everything right."

I'm tempted. I'm so fuckıng tempted. But is a nightclub really the sort of place to drop a bombshell like this? It's too public. I need to speak to her on her own, somewhere private, where I can explain it all properly.

"Thanks, but I'll pass," I mumble. "Have a good time."

"Harry!" Louis snaps in exasperation. "What the hell is wrong with you?! Why are you being a wuss?!"

"I'm not," I pout. "I just don't want to come down to Libertine."

"Why not?!" he practically yells.

"For all the reasons I've told you a million times already," I explain. "I don't want to start things up again with her, and I doubt she wants anything to do with me, either."

"I'm not saying you have to get back together with her!" he argues. "Just tell her the truth about New York and the lead up to it all. She deserves better than being kept in the dark like this. You're not being fair to her."

His words ring true, but in all honesty I haven't got a clue what to say to her. I need to clear my head, and think it through. There is so much to tell her, and if I fucķ it up (like I have a tendency to do) I won't get another chance.

"I'm not coming," I decide. "Sorry. Thanks for the heads up, though. I'll see you tomorrow."

After I end the call I sit staring at the TV, my mind racing. Have I made the right decision?

I know I owe it to Jess to tell her what happened, but I don't think I have the strength to rake it all up again just yet. I don't think anyone really understands the gravity of what has happened.

It's not just that Nadine wanted to split up me and Jess. It is the fact that she gave somebody a concoction of chemicals, knowing full well what the effects would be, in the hope that they would find their way to me. No one has the right to decide what I put into my body, other than me. Yet that decision was taken away from me that night. I'm no saint, I'm not trying to say that. I shouldn't have taken that shit in the first place. But I didn't know what it was, and Nadine did. She tricked me, she betrayed my trust in a truly unforgivable way, and I'm just supposed to accept that and move on like it was nothing?

What if I had been allergic to something in that powder? I could have died. I could have suffered lasting damage, organ failure, anything. So could Jason, and Sara. From the sounds of it, they hadn't a clue what they were taking either. How can someone do something like that?

I can feel heat burning behind my eyes. I really don't want to cry, but I don't think I can stop it.

Can I trust no one? I thought I loved Nadine, once. She said she loved me only two weeks ago. Yet she was willing to violate me in this way purely for her own gain. What does that say about her? About me? How could she betray me like this? How can I ever trust anyone again?

I feel tears on my cheeks and I cover my face with my hands, even though there is no one here to see me. I want Jess. I want to seek comfort in her arms. She is the one person who has every right to sell me out after what I did to her, yet she hasn't, proving yet again that she is too sweet, too innocent, too perfect for my fucķed up life.

I'm a mess.

I'm a mess, and I don't know how to sort myself out and get past this. I feel like I'm slowly drowning in my own confusion. I need her, but I know I can't have her, and I know I shouldn't even want her anyway. I can't make sense of my own feelings. I ache inside from the sadness and misery engulfing me.

I run my hands through my hair as I finally release my emotions. I've kept all this inside for far too long, and finally it has surfaced, and it actually feels good to let it out. It probably hasn't done me any good keeping it bottled up, but I didn't know how to deal with it; I still don't.

I cry into my hands, wishing things could be different but knowing they can't be. Everything is so complicated, and I don't know how to uncomplicate it. I'm struggling to cope with my own guilt, but now I feel like it wasn't entirely my fault. But still I can't entertain the idea of getting close to Jess again, even though I want to, because I'm terrified of hurting her again, of putting her through a repeat of this. I've messed her about too much, and no matter how you look at it, I was still unfaithful, despite the circumstances.

I need to talk to my mum. I need to tell her how unhappy I am, and I need her to give me a hug and tell me what I should do to try and move past this. Right now it's hard to imagine I ever will.

My phone beeps before I can reach for it, and it's Louis.

Jess is here now. She looks fuckíng hot.

My heart lurches, and before I know what I am doing, I text him back.

Is she on her own?

With a guy and three girls, Louis replies.

Who's the guy? WHO IS THE FUCKING GUY? If it's this fuckıng Adam prick I honestly do not know what I will do.

What guy?

My hands are shaking now. I wipe my face with my sleeve, drying the tears dripping down my face.

The one she was pictured with while we were on tour. The one that made you lose all your chill.

Gary?! He's worse than Adam!

Before I can reply, another text comes through from Louis.

They're coming over now. Can't text.

Are they together? Like a couple? I text back frantically, but I don't get a reply for about half an hour.

I'm going outside with her, he texts. Get your bony arse down here, or she's fair game.

What's that supposed to mean???? I reply, panicking.

If he means he's making a play for her I will go down there and punch him. He doesn't reply, and I spend ten minutes jigging my legs uncomfortably on the sofa, staring at my phone and taking deep breaths to try and chill out.

I mean, she's fųcking gorgeous, and if you can't see it that's your loss.

I'm ninety-nice percent certain he's bluffing. But what if he's not? And even if he is, she's out with Gary tonight. He'll be making eyes at her, even if Louis isn't.

Fucķing hell.

I get up and stride to my bedroom furiously. I'm only going to look if I have anything clean to wear. If I can't find anything, I'm not going.

Who am I kidding? Of course I'm fuckıng going. Louis knows exactly which buttons to press.

I twist my body out of the tshirt I am wearing, and slip my arms into a plain black shirt. My hair already looks ruffled from me running my hands through it, so I brush my teeth, spray on some aftershave and call Paul to come and pick me up.

I'm on my way, I text Louis. Don't fuckıng touch her.