Avi's P.O.V.
I manage to fall asleep rather quickly after the moment Mitch and I shared in the lounge of our tour bus. I would've thought that I'd lie awake half of the night thinking about what just had happened but nada. At least one thing busy tour life is good for. You almost never fail to fall asleep after a long exhausting day, no matter what thoughts try to keep you awake.
The only problem is that said thoughts just don't disappear. They're still there for when you wake up. That's how I ended up sitting in the back lounge with a huge cup of tea. When I first woke up and saw that Mitch's bunk was empty, I had hoped he would be awake and we could spend some more time together. But Kirstie's bunk is empty as well and they both are nowhere to be found which means they're out.
As I sit there and nurse my tea I think back to the previous night, back to Mitch. I had thought that being kissed by him while he was drunk was something special, but having him sober and being able to both kiss and be kissed was just perfect.
"Good Morning, Avi. Why are you here in the back?" I almost jump when I hear Scott's voice. He walks into the little lounge.
"Morning. I don't know, actually." I chuckle nervously and shrug my shoulders.
Scott, however, keeps looking at me with his piercing blue eyes. "Are you okay?"
I look up at him and fake a smile. "Yeah, why shouldn't I be?"
He raises an invisible eyebrow at my comment. "Because something's bothering you. I can see it. If you want to talk..."
"I don't know if I can..." I state, knowing that there's no use in denying, because Scott can see right through me.
"Why's that?" he wants to know.
"I can't find the words to say it" I return. "I don't know how..."
Scott sits down next to me. "Just say whatever you need to get out and we'll sort everything else out together" he prompts. "Talking helps and I can keep a secret."
Even if it concerns his best friend?
"I... it's... I met someone" I start off.
His eyes light up. "Really? That's amazing. Tell me everything about her."
I cringe at those words and suddenly I'm not sure if I'm ready to talk to him. But he's Scott, he probably went through all of these weird stuff I'm feeling when he was searching and finding himself. "It's not a woman, Scott" I say voiceless.
I glance up at him and see disbelief in his eyes, before they light up. "Really? That's great" he exclaims. "Or isn't it?" he adds after a while of silence.
"I don't know, yet. I'm in the early stages of finding out what I feel and whenever I'm with him I allow myself to just feel and be in the moment. It's great. But whenever I'm not around him there are these doubts nagging at me. These doubts keep telling me that what I'm doing is wrong. Not wrong in that sense, I don't have anything against... homosexual love, but it just feels so huge right now, just like it's going to change everything and I... god I just don't know!" The words literally spill out of my mouth and I really don't know if I'm making sense. But it feels good to finally have someone besides Mitch to talk to. Someone who will hopefully understand my problems.
Scott smiles at me. "I know exactly how you're feeling, Avi. I've been there. It's not the same for everyone but all the doubts, everything, is just what most men and women are going through" he says sympathetically. "It takes time. Time and a lot of courage to try yourself out."
I nod. "Thank you, Scott. I needed this."
"Not for that. I told you I'd help you with sorting things out." Scott nudges my arm softly. "Now tell me all about him! What's his name? What does he look like? And how far did the two of you take things already?"
I gulp. What would Scott say when he finds out that it's Mitch? "Well he's... it's Mitch."
"O-kay." That's the only thing Scott says before he falls silent for a while. "That's new."
"Is this a problem?" I ask almost bashful. The expression on his face is unreadable and I'm not sure what to make out of his reaction.
"No, not at all." He flashes me an honest smile. "It's just something that I hadn't had on my list. So tell me more. Maybe I can help you figure things out better. There's more to it than just you doubting your feelings."
I take another deep breath. "Well it all began when he came over after a date gone wrong last week. We talked and jammed a little bit. The next day we had coffee and got a little bit closer. We exchanged a little bit of PDA, because his date was there and we wanted to brush him off, because he was being an asshole. I think that's when I started to realise that there's more to Mitch. And then we had movie night where we cuddled and actually talked. And yesterday... we kissed" I explain.
"Suddenly everything makes sense. Mitch being overly ecstatic when he came home from your movie-night. You falling asleep together two days ago..." he muses.
I smile when I remember all these things. My mind wanders off and I think about the talk Mitch and I had yesterday or rather his part in it. I sigh softly.
"But you're not sure, are you? What does Mitch say to all of this?"
"Well, he said yes to helping me exploring myself. But I'm scared. Scared of hurting him in the end. He told me yesterday, after our kisses, that I shouldn't put a label on me and call myself bisexual just because I'm attracted to him. He sees himself as a rather feminine person and told me that there's a possibility that I wouldn't like going further with a man. And I am scared that this could be the case. He's got feelings for me and I'm doubting my ability to be with him. And he tries to be strong, to be there as a guide but I know it will crush him if I can't make it work out." Once again I just speak without sorting out sentences or words.
"You put way too much pressure on your kind, caring heart, Avi. Mitch is not trying to be strong, he is just like that. He and I both know how it feels to be in this stage, I already told you. Exploring yourself is important and it's something you cannot do alone. He knows what he's signing up for, believe me." Scott actually manages to convince me with these words.
"But what do I do now? How do we go on?"
Scott chuckles. "That is actually easier than it seems. You just do whatever you'd do with a person you're dating. Go out, enjoy your time together and just live in the moment" he advises. "Take your time, whatever you're doing. You set the pace. And if you've got the feeling that the road you're on is the wrong one, be honest with yourself and with Mitch."
"Thank you" I simply say.
"You're welcome" Scott returns, before falling silent once more as he seems to be thinking. "Avi, I know the next question is personal, but have you ever thought about going further with a man?"
"I..." I start, not sure what to answer.
But I'm saved by Kevin who opens the connecting door and pops his head into the room. "Here you are. Just wanted to tell you that Mitch and Kirstie are back and we'll be at the venue in half an hour so we should get ready to head out." he explains.
"Thanks Kev, we'll be there in a minute" Scott returns.
Once Kevin has closed the door again, he focuses back on me. "You don't have to answer that question if it makes you uncomfortable. We've done a huge load of talking already." He winks at me. "Are you feeling better than you did before?"
"Definitely. Still confused but a little bit of the fog is gone and I'm able to see clearer" I say. "Thank you once again, Scott. It feels good to have someone to talk to."
"I'll always be there, though, Avi. Just give me a sign if you need advice or just someone to vent to" he promises.
I nod acknowledging and take my now lukewarm tea. I take a sip and allow myself to drift off once more when Scott excuses himself from the lounge.
Talking to him has certainly helped me. I know where I stand and what I have to do next. I'm going to ask Mitch out, I'm eager to spend more time with him and discover more both about him and myself. Actually, why don't I ask him out the next time I can get him alone? We'll have a night off after today's show. The perfect opportunity to go on a date!
What I'm not entirely sure of is Scott's last question. Of course, I've thought about me and Mitch. Especially after sleeping with him in my arms during movie night. And when I saw him yesterday only with that towel, I just couldn't help but stare at his body and fantasise about how I want to hold him, touch him, feel him. Yet, I don't know what being with a man will feel like. I know how things work out, but maybe Mitch is right and I cannot deal with a man in bed.
Doubts and confusion come crashing down again and I have to really concentrate to will all these bad thoughts away.
Live in the moment, go at your own pace.
Don't be afraid!
Take that staircase step by step.
Don't be afraid!
You'll only hurt yourself if you jump down from a higher step!
Wouldn't it be better to just step down now?
No! Don't be afraid!
"Don't be afraid!" I actually say these words out loud. I'm feeling calm again and I'm looking forward to be on stage and around our fans again. Plus I'm going to ask Mitch out on our first real date.
Yes, today's going to be a good day!
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