Taylor's POV
Today had been a hard day. I was so excited to be back in Vancouver, but I would have to see Josh again. Tonight Tal Bachman, one of my major idols, would be guest appearing - that, I was excited for. Tomorrow? Not so much. For some stupid reason, I had decided to let Marianas Trench perform with me, and then they would open for a few of my shows after.
I shook my head to try and clear my thoughts. Here I was in Rogers Arena, dreading things. I should be happy. 13 000 people were gonna be here tonight. Uh, hello? Lucky number 13 multiplied by a thousand should equal a good time right?
My band and I had just finished doing sound check and were heading to go get ready, when Caitlin and Liz came up to me.
"So, we have the latest juicy gossip news here for you," Liz said in her cheeky voice.
"Oh really? What's that?" I asked mildly curious.
"Tonight," said Caitlin, "Someone is going to be in the crowd. Guess who?"
"Who?" I asked.
"Josh. Ramsay," Liz replied.
I stopped dead in my tracks, and stared at them wide eyed.
"What!" I exclaimed. "Are you serious?"
They nodded their heads.
"Where is he sitting?" I demanded.
"Section H, Row 12." Caitlin described. That was right in front of stage B. This can't be happening. "We'll give you some time alone before we come get ready too."
They left me as I sat down in front of the mirror delirious as ever. Wasn't it hard enough not getting closure from him? Now I get to sing my diary out to him, while trying to keep my emotions under control in front of thousands of others? I felt tears sting my eyes as I flashed back to the day he left me.
The concert rushed to me too fast. I might have looked ready, but emotionally I wasn't. I stood underneath the stage, listening to the monologue, and the screaming crowd chanting my name. Maybe I could just forget about him for tonight. I'll just get lost in the crowd - at least some people love me.
"I don't think you should wait. I think you should speak now." I heard my voice say. The music started playing and I felt myself rise on the lift.
"Drop everything now!" I sang. The deafening explosion of screams erupted around me.
When I finished singing 'Sparks Fly' I stood there, in front of the sea of people, going hysterical around me. I looked deep into the crowd.
Josh, I hope you see how much more successful I am than you. I thought. of course, none of this would've happened without his help - no. I had to stop those thoughts and make myself feel bigger, instead of feeling so small. I walked back to where my guitar was, picked it up and sang into the microphone.
"Oh uh oh."
Instantly a flood of memories came rushing back as I sang 'Mine'.
"You know, for someone who hates baby's, you're really good with them."
"Well, that's not really what I mean." Josh pauses to watch an amazing round of lightning before continuing. "I mean the whole thing. The baby, the children, marriage us," I continued weakly.
"What was wrong with that?"
"Well, it all kind of made me freak out. Like. It made me think, where are we going to be in the future?"
"Touring world wide together?" I hypothesize hopefully.
"That'd be great but—"
"But no buts," I interrupt. "Josh. We both still have yet to peak in our music careers. We are a long way from being anything more than boyfriend and girlfriend. Don't sweat it."
"But, you love kids, and I, I don't know."
"Josh. No one is pressuring you to do anything. Slow down. You're jumping ahead of yourself." I reach up, and wrap my arms around his neck. "I like where we're at right now. No need to change anything. It's perfect."
"You're perfect," he sighs, embracing me tighter.
I put my arms up and formed a heart with my hands. I looked into the sea, as everyone put their hands up with mine, forming the precious heart. I wondered if Josh was doing the same?
Soon enough I had finished the song, and had moved onto 'The Story of Us'. More memories came as I remembered the nights Josh protected me from those dreadful dreams that involved John. How the hell was I going to sing 'Dear John' tonight?
Finally everyone had shuffled off stage, to change for the next number: 'Our Song'. Finally a song that didn't bring back memories.
I got into place and popped out of the stage. I trotted over to my banjo, picked it up and started playing it. When I was done my little medley, Caitlin's fiddle filled my ears.
I brought the sound of my banjo up and played with her. When we finished the medley, I waited for her notes to be played. When she played them, the rest of the band filled in. I heard the crowd erupt into screams as they recognized the song. Sadly the song finished too quickly, because it was time for more memories.
The next song we performed was 'Mean.' Memories filled as I remembered reading that nasty comment, and plopped down right in front of Josh, writing this song. I remembered us giggling the night away, at the cheesy remarks being made. Finally we finished and I rushed under the stage to get dressed for the next song: 'Back To December'.
I sat on the bench, in my two dresses. This next song was already sad enough to sing, without the pressure of having my ex in the crowd. Even if it wasn't about him. I felt the lift rise and I started to play.
As the song went on I felt my emotions rise in the pit of my stomach. I was not ready for the next portion of the concert, where I moved to my second stage. I would not be able to perform twenty feet away from Josh. At least during 'Better Then Revenge' I got lost in anger. An emotion that made performing so much easier.
I got ready for the 'Speak Now', and stood there waiting to run on stage. After this song, I would be on stage B. I dreaded that so much. I got my que, and ran on. The guitar strums notifying me to start singing.
"I am not the kind of girl, who should be rudely barging in on a white veil occasion..."
Soon, the dreaded moment came.
"Lets run away now!"
I did not hold my peace. I spoke now, and the dancer and I ran off into the crowd.
Tonight I hugged more people than usual. I didn't rush over to the next stage, I just got lost in the crowd. I could feel my emotions bubbling. I didn't know how I'd be able to do the next song with out crying. Unfortunately, I too soon found myself on the next stage, singing the last lines of the song. I soaked in the energy of the crowd. I was gonna need their help to continue tonight.
I started to softly strum the ukulele in my hands. I sighed. I was already misty eyed. I finished my monologue for 'Fearless', and started to sing.
"There's something bout the way, the street looks when it's just rained."
Suddenly, I was back in that parking lot.
"Look, Taylor. I just have one question I need to ask you."
I nodded my head.
"Will you, will you take this dance?"
I smiled into his eyes.
"Yes of course Josh."
He grabbed my hand in his and put his other hand on my waste. We began dancing in a slow circle. The street lamp acted as our spotlight.
I didn't dare rest my head on his chest. I didn't want to break eye contact with him. He smiled. I smiled back. If people saw us they would think we were insane. We were both soaked, and in our best dress clothes.
But I didn't care. I was just glad that I finally got my dance with him. Something I had waited for all night. I was feeling a little nervous. Something I'd never felt around Josh before.
I found myself staring at his lips again. Once again wishing that I could kiss those.
And finally, my wish came true.
That night was so magical. I had finally found it. And then he went and crushed that several months later.
I looked into the crowd as I sang. Connecting with each and every person. I tried not to look up at the people in the lower bowl, because I knew he would be there - too late. I looked up and saw him. He was perfect. He stood there, with his hands in his pockets, looking back emotionless. Then I saw a girl standing next to him. Her. It was Amanda. How dare she walk into one of my concerts, especially with him.
"And I don't know why, but with you'd I dance
In a storm in my best dress fearless…" the crowd exploded at the last note.
Usually I'd be happy too, but tonight I felt crushed. I looked up at the big screen portraying my face. My face was all red, and I could see that my eyes were shiny. Oh god. Don't cry Taylor. You're over him. You don't care about him.
I quickly wiped my eyes, traded my ukulele for my coy fish guitar, and got ready to play 'Last Kiss'.
I heard the drum beat hit, and I instantly knew I was gonna cry tonight.
I sniffled and started my monologue.
"I started writing songs as a hobby…"
I listened to the crowd go silent. Capturing every word I said. Somewhere in the distance I heard an "I love you Taylor!"
"...About that first kiss and how magical it is, we never ever imagine that someday, that'd turn into a last kiss."
I started playing my guitar. A wave of complete sadness washed over me. And then I decided, that I would spill my heart out to Josh tonight. I don't care if other people are watching, he will know how I feel.
I looked out into the crowd and spotted him. Amanda wasn't there this time. Good.
"I still remember the look on your face, lit through the darkness at 1:58.
The words that you whispered, for just us to know
You told me you loved me, so why did you go away?"
It was an honest question, that I desperately wanted to know.
As the stage turned, he eventually ran out if my view. I just looked directly into the cameras., hoping he'd see me on the screens, calling to him. Missing him. Did he miss me too? Did he think about me at night?
"I never thought we'd have our last kiss."
I want you back.
"I never imagined we'd end like this.
You're name, forever the name on my lips."
I didn't think I'd ever love someone like I loved him. I'd never miss someone as much as I missed him. I will never want something as much as I want him…
"So I'll watch your life in pictures
Like I used to watch you sleep."
I didn't think we would ever be able to connect like we used to.
"And I feel you forget me like I used to feel you breathe."
At night I could still feel his arms wrapped around me. His breath tickling my neck.
"And I'll keep up with our old friends
Just to ask them how you are."
I wanted to talk to him, but I couldn't. He was gone for good. We could never…
"You can plan for a change in the weather and time.
But I never planned on you changing your mind"
I managed to look him right in the eye when I sang that. Right up to the last note.
"Just like our last…"
There were no words to describe what he meant to me. But he moved on and I'm stuck in the past. I hoped he knew that I would always love him.
But it's time to move on.
The song ended and I quickly wiped my eyes. No use crying after someone who doesn't care for you.
I switched guitars. I began strumming to Brian Adams 'Summer of '69'.
The song voiced how I felt all the nostalgia about our relationship. How it hurt to look back - but hurt even more to look forward.
The song ended. I couldn't see him, but if I could I hoped that I had made him feel something tonight.
I began playing 'You Belong With Me'.
"If you could see that I'm the one who understand you, been here all this time so why can't you see.
You belong with me.
You belong with me."
This song brought back memories too. I remembered the inspiration for it.
"So, my friend was on the phone with his girlfriend and she was just being one of those, needy girlfriends. And he was all like, I don't know how to say it. Like as if he was being ordered by her," I explained.
"So you're gonna write a song about a guy and his needy girlfriend?" She chuckled.
"Well, no not exactly. I was just thinking. What if we liked each other?"
"Like a love triangle sort of thing?" She asked.
"Not exactly. Basically you want someone who is with this girl who doesn't appreciate him at all. Basically like 'girl-next-door-itis.' You like this guy who you have for your whole life, and you know him better than she does but somehow the popular girl gets the guy every time."
"Ok. I get it. So you are in love with a guy who has a girlfriend that doesn't appreciate him at all."
I nodded.
"Got any lyrics?" She asked.
"Well, while he was on the phone, this line popped into my head: you're on the phone with your girlfriend she's upset," I sang.
I got up, gave my guitar to the tech, and walked off stage. I made my way through the crowd. Stopping to hug people here and there. I made it back to the big stage, and sang the rest of the song.
"You belong with me," I finished. "Now everyone welcome, TAL BACHMAN!"
The guitar began and he walked into the light. We began singing 'She's So High', and I looked into the crowd. This was one of my favorite songs, and I could see everybody dancing and singing along to it. The song ended too quickly and we were finished. He waved to the crowd, and walked back into the shadows. I followed and found myself on the staircase. The music began.
"Long were the nights when my days once revolved around you."
I remembered waiting there in the darkness, anticipating when he'd come home.
"And my mother accused me of losing my mind, but I swore I was fine." Big mistake.
"Dear John,
I see it all now that you're gone
Don't you think I was too young to be messed with?
The girl in the dress cried the whole way home
I should've known."
My voice was still shaky from singing Last Kiss. Horrible flashbacks of him hitting me, didn't make my voice any steadier.
"Well maybe it's me, and my blind optimism to blame."
That was it. I just kept falling in love too fast and too hard.
"Don't you think I was too young,
You should've known."
I finished the song, and walked back stage. I immediately fell into the arms of the back stage crew and cried. I cried out my emotions at John. How he treated me so, so wrong. How Josh was there. Right beside me. Protecting me. But I mostly cried for Josh. Why did he have to leave?
"Come on Taylor. You can do this babe. You gotta get dressed now," I heard one the crew members say.
I got dressed and waited on the lift.
I heard the soft violin play. It reminded me of hope. I didn't have any of that left. The dance number ended, and I began to rise.
"There I was again tonight, forcing laughter faking smiles, same old tired lonely place…"
I couldn't concentrate throughout the rest of the song. I remembered Adam. I remembered going crazy wondering if he felt the same sparks I did. But my thoughts quickly changed, I remembered feeling that way about Josh.
I remembered staying up all night thinking about him. I remembered when he finally showed me that he felt sparks too.
The song ended and I rushed back stage. I ended up crying again. I fell so hard for Josh. This time I didn't have much time so I changed as I cried. Slipping into my two dresses. We had such a beautiful thing. Why did he let it go? We could've been so much more. Maybe I just wasn't destined for love. Maybe Josh never loved me. Maybe the whole time he thought about her; Amanda. I hated her. She was the reason we ended. She was the reason I had no one to fall into when I was down. The reason I felt so empty and useless. That selfish little…
"Go!" The stage crew interrupted my thoughts and I walked on stage with my mallet. I swung and hit the bell. Weak… the next time I imagined it was her that I was hitting. Ding! Much better. I got lost in the music, and before I knew it I had the microphone in my hand and I was belting out all my anger. I had to restrain myself a bit, so that I wasn't just screaming the words.
Amanda was the reason this all ended. She purposefully broke us apart because she couldn't handle life. The reason I was standing here today - feeling more alone than ever - was her fault. And she had the nerve to bring herself to my concert. She crossed the line. It was my territory now.
"Come on, come on
Don't leave me like this
I thought I had you figured out
Something's gone terribly wrong
Won't finish what you started." Amanda ripped the pages out of our story.
"Come on, come on
Don't leave me like this
I thought I had you figured out
Cant breathe whenever you're gone
Cant go back, I'm haunted." She broke me.
"Ohhh!" I stood there in the middle of the stage screaming.
"You and I walk a fragile line
I have known it all this time
Never ever thought I'd see it break
Never thought I'd see it..." I got pulled under the bell before I could do anymore. The lift sank, and the dancer ran off. I quickly stripped off one of my dresses, grabbed my guitar and waited.
The next songs flew by fast, and before I knew it, the concert was over.
Josh's POV
"Drop everything now!" Taylor sang into the crowd. She appeared in a gold sparkly dress. The crowd was going crazy over her. "The way you move is like a full on rain storm."
As she continued with the song, I watched as the performance came to life. I swear the crowd never quieted down one bit. It was like you could hear the crowd sing louder than her.
The song finished and she stood there taking in the crowd. If anything, the crowd got louder every second.
She moved onto the next song 'Mine'. Suddenly. memories flooded back. The day that she filmed the music video. I remembered how jealous I got seeing her cuddling with Toby. Even though I denied it, I'm sure that it was obvious. Was that how she felt now, knowing that I was doing all of those things with someone else?
For a second I felt a bit guilty, but then again it had been so long. She must've been over me by now. But that thought didn't exactly agree with me. I didn't want her to be over me. Did that mean I wasn't over her? No. I had to be. I was with Amanda now. All was good.
She moved onto 'The Story of Us'. I thought about John, and the nights where I held her till she fell asleep. When I would wake up to my phone buzzing and her voice racked in sobs would be on the other end. I wondered if those dreams have ever plagued her since. Was she still afraid of him? Then I wondered if I was gonna be wrapped up in memories and unanswered questions all night.
The song passed along with a few others. I wrapped my arms around Amanda, who had agreed to come - sort of. It took a while, and a lot pleading. She stared up at me and sighed.
"What's wrong?" I said close to her ear. The crowd was really loud.
"Nothing," she replied. I raised an eyebrow. Obviously something was wrong.
"What? Are you not enjoying it?"
"Well I mean its kind of awkward being here with you. I mean you-" She didn't finish her sentence.
I sighed. If I knew she was going to act like this, would I have still brought her? Probably, considering I sort of expected it.
I returned my attention back to the performance. Her two guitarists, Grant and Paul, were playing their solo. I gotta admit. It was a really sick solo. At the end I might've cheered a little. Uh oh. Did that mean that I was rubbing it in, all in Amanda's face?
The next song I imagined was Speak Now, considering the setting was a wedding. I heard the guitar strum and Taylor started singing. Then I realized something. A tree was coming down from the ceiling. I watched as it was lowered down to a second stage. Did this mean that Taylor would be performing right in front of us? For some reason I hoped that she wouldn't see Amanda.
I watched as Taylor ran off the stage and the crowd got even louder. I didn't know how that was possible, considering the crowd was already really loud. I was amazed at how the crowd went hysterical. I watched how she didn't rush to get to the other side - she took her time with her fans. Finally, she reached the next stage, sat down with her ukulele in hand, and sang the last words of the song.
She started a new monologue. I watched her talk. I realized I hadn't seen her in such a long time. I silently missed her a lot. She started singing 'Fearless'. My stomach turned. In a way, you could classify this song as our song, because the day I heard that song, was the day I had finally manned up. And then she was mine. I felt guilt rush through me as I realized that she would definitely see me with Amanda. Why did I insist on bringing her?
But then I was lost in the music. Lost in the rush of memories. And then I realized, too late, that I was softly singing along. The song finished.
I looked over at Amanda. She looked mad.
"I'm going to get some food," she stated, and then left.
I looked back at Taylor. I felt tears stinging my eyes. There was no use lying to myself. I missed what we had. She started singing 'Last Kiss'.
I wouldn't dare take my eyes off of her. If I looked away, I feared that she would disappear, and never come back. Just like last time.
"You told me you loved me, so why did you go away," she sang.
I wondered that same thing. It finally dawned on me that neither of us had the closure that usually comes with the end of a relationship. I had cheated on her. I felt dirty. I blinked away the tears forming in my eyes. Every word she sang cut through me. I felt horrible for just leaving her like that. But I had to move on. Just like every other relationship that ended badly. I had it better than Taylor anyways. I had someone who loved me and I loved back. Taylor didn't have someone to lean on. Being lonely sucked.
The song finished. I watched Amanda walk over to me. I immediately wrapped my arms around her.
"Uh, are you alright?" She asked.
"I'm fine," I said, "I'm just appreciating how good of a girlfriend I have."
Ugh, sorry this chapter sucked... it was more of a really long filler/set-up for the next one.