Lauren's POV
When I woke up next to Camila, I instantly became overwhelmed with everything that had happened last night. Hearing her soft breathing and feeling the small twitches while she slept, just a few feet away, is making it hard to know that I need to suppress these feelings that I have finally admitted for her. Two nights ago, we had cuddled up to one another, falling asleep in each other's arms; last night, we slept facing opposite walls with enough space between us for another body to fit.
I have never in my life felt such conflicting feelings. I also haven't experienced actual feelings for someone in years and it all just feels so foreign.
The sun was now showing through the blinds and illuminating the tips of her hair. It was so beautiful I found myself easily mesmerized by it.
My arms were heavy from sleeping on my side all night, and when I reached for my phone on the nightstand, it was almost impossible to grab anything with my numb fingers. Struggling with it for a few minutes, I finally got hold of the device, and turned the screen on. No new messages.
I skim through my recent messages, hoping I dreamt up the one from last night. Turns out it wasn't a dream - there, in my inbox, the anonymous text:
(973) 492 - 0998: You're getting warmer.
I wanted so badly to tell Camila about the text, but I didn't want to get her involved. It could just be one of the girls I've slept with trying to spook me. But for some reason, I just don't think that's the case.
"Hey Lauren," Camila says, picking her head up off of the pillow. I quickly shut my phone off and throw it onto the bed next to me.
"Hey."
A tiny Ally walks into the room, rubbing her eyes with her free hand, a coffee cup in the other. She lets out a small yawn.
"I got a call last night when you both were out, it was from the landlord of that apartment we were looking at in Middletown... We got it!" She adds an excited intonation to the end of her sentence.
"Oh, that's great Al. When can we move in?" Camila replies, far too eager for my liking.
"Well, the last tenants have already moved out, so we can technically move in today if we wante-"
"Today, let's do it," Camila cuts in, before Ally finishes her sentence. "Sofi will be here later, and I've already been granted the weekend off from work so I can spend some time with her while she's here. She can help us set up the furniture and decorate."
"Yaas!!" Ally hoots. "Then after I finish this coffee," she begins, raising her mug for emphasis, "I'm ready when you are."
Camila jumps off the bed heading toward the kitchen, Ally close in toe. "Coffee!!!"
I can still want to be around her, even if nothing is going to happen, right? I think, following them to the kitchen to prepare my own coffee and desperately trying to stall them before I have to go to work stag for the weekend.
"Al, how have things been... you know, with Troy?" I tentatively ask.
"Honestly, I haven't spoken to him since,"
"Wow, I musta scared the shit out of him," I say, flexing a muscle - eliciting a musical giggle from the brown-eyed girl across the table. I can still love the sound of that laugh, too... right?
"Well... I should have been more specific, I guess - he has called me numerous times and left numerous voicemails," she says and my muscle seemingly deflates so I drop my arm, letting it dangle at my side. "So, no I don't think you did much damage, there." I pout, looking to Camila. She makes soft eye contact before clearing her throat and hopping off the stool.
Camila turns with her coffee and walks back to the bedroom. "Al, I'm going to start packing my bag... we can leave when you're ready!" She calls over her shoulder.
"Alright, Mila.... but honestly no rush, the apartment isn't going anywhere!" Ally yells down the hall before turning to me. "Lauren... did something happen last night?" She asks hesitantly.
"No... why do you ask?" I bite my lip when i realize I wasn't the only one feeling the tension.
"Because y'all are usually all cuddled up in the morning, first of all," she begins, "and second, she is in some kinda hurry to get out of here." She points with her thumb down the hallway as she turns to put her mug in the sink.
--
Camila had thrown all of her things haphazardly into her bag and had re-emerged from the bedroom in minutes, bag in hand. I walked them to the door and Ally turned to face me, grabbing one of my hands.
"Lauren, thank you so much... for everything." Ally smiles with glossy eyes.
"Ally you really need to stop thanking me," I start, "I would do it again in a heartbeat... also, I'm gonna be damn lonely now," I say with a chuckle and see Camila with an unreadable expression standing in the hallway, over Ally's shoulder.
"Well I couldn't have made a better decision that night when I went to Robbie's, meeting you girls. Thank you again, Lauren, I couldn't have gotten through this without all of you guys." Ally lets go of my hand and drops her bag to wrap her arms around my neck in a big hug. It took me by surprise and I didn't get to register and return the gesture before she was picking her bag up again and they both disappeared down the hallway.
I shut the door and look at my empty apartment. I've always lived here alone, so it surprises me that it feels much emptier than it ever has.
--
Detectives don't get weekends off. As soon as I get in to work, I run the anonymous phone number through the database. And, of course, it turns up with no matches. This is definitely the work of a professional, and I start to wonder whether keeping this from Camila will do more harm than good. Just as I'm about to close the program, I'm approached by a familiar face.
"Whose number are you trying to trace from your own phone?"
Normani.
"I just got this weird text last night and it ended up being from one of the girls I slept with...It's really no big deal. She probably just wanted to mess with me. Little does she know, I'm a detective." Am I really this bad at lying?
"How do you always end up in these situations? Oh just kidding, I think I know..." Normani muses.
"Shut up Mani. Did you come here to tell me some good news?"
"If by good news you mean nothing at all, then yes. There's nothing on my end that you already don't know. Same note, same makeup. Toxicology came back and she was drugged - which would explain the lack of struggle."
She slides a folder in front of me with the name Laura Hylton on the tab. I open the folder to see pictures of her body and close up shots of her wounds.
"Did you get any results back from forensics?" Normani asks.
I nod, pulling some papers from my fax machine.
"The fingernail was definitely Laura's. And the footprint was exactly what I thought it was..." I start, flipping through the papers. "The blood splatter, though. Her blood was all around her body and on a few trees. It wasn't all blood though."
"What do you mean it wasn't blood," Normani looks at me confused.
"Some of it was real, but a good portion of it was fake. Cornstarch, water, red food coloring and additives." I read off the list from the paper.
"What the fuck? He added fake blood to the enormous amount of real blood? That's a bit extensive, no?"
"She, Mani, she."
"I told you already, no woman could have done this."
"How about a twisted, scorned wife with a lot of money?"
She pauses for a second before she begins, thinking about the possibility. "What - she hired a hitman? These murders are too personal for that. What hitman do you know would retouch a woman's makeup and plant a note behind her ear?"
"I'm still figuring out exactly what part Mary played in this. For all we know, she could be the one retouching makeup and placing the note..." I start. I can see Normani's face begin to cringe. "You need to leave now, you're raining on my parade."
Normani laughs, "I'm just keeping it real, but as you wish." She walks away.
I begin to compile my theory, sifting back through our current evidence.
So, we have a possible motive - John has been cheating on his wife with a much younger woman: woman scorned. The fact that John is connected to each one of these murders explains it all. Mary said she was not in Florida at the time of the Kissinger case... Wait, I can run her credit report...
As I make my way over to the computer, my phone buzzes.
Ally Hernandez: Hey, we're having a Thank You/ Housewarming get together tonight at the new apartment. And you're the guest of honor. See you later! :)
I didn't even say I could go. Dinah approaches me from across the room with her phone in her hand.
"So, what are you bringing tonight? Do you think everyone likes meatloaf? I mean, who doesn't like meatloaf?"
"Dinah, I'm not going."
"Like hell you aren't. I know your lame ass doesn't have anything better to do."
"Uh, hello... serial murders are happening - I've always got a lot of work to do," I say, coolly.
"You're off your game, girl. Your grouch ass needs to get laid. And word on the street is that Mila's got a brand new bed," Dinah winks suggestively.
"Actually, that's not gonna happen. Ironically we just discussed that last night."
"Wait you two discussed the possibility, and you didn't bother to tell me? What kind of a friend are you?!"
"The kind of friend that didn't expect to have this drunk conversation with my partner, at all - ever."
Dinah takes a seat at Camila's empty desk. "Spill."
"There's too much to even explain right now, to be honest. I don't even know where to start."
"Start with the dirtiest details," Dinah says, with a creepy smirk on her face.
"You don't listen, do you? It's not going to happen and she made it clear that it never would."
"That's not the vibe she was putting down the night you were staying at Ally's."
"Well that's the vibe now, and I'll explain all of it to you whenever it is we get a chance to catch up, just you and I," I start, "but really though, I have to get going. I'm heading out to talk to Mary Burke."
"Whatever. You're going tonight whether you like it or not. If you're not there, I'll come find you. And we are also going to have this conversation tonight, even if I have to drag you into some secluded closet somewhere in that apartment."
"D, I've spent more than enough time in closets. You can drag me anywhere but there."
"Oh please, you were basically birthed in a closet but came waltzing out the minute you could walk... you don't get to talk about being in closets, you big homo." I shoot a glare at Dinah. "But you're my big homo," she corrects, hugging me from behind and nuzzling my cheek with her nose.
--
I arrive at the Burke residence unannounced, knocking on the door.
"Hello? Can I help you?" A man, who is certainly not John Burke answers the door. Where the fuck is Camila when you need her?
"Oh, hello. I'm Detective Jauregui with Orange County PD." I extend my hand between the gap.
"Oh, hi Detective, I'm Mary's brother Tom. Nice to meet you." Oh right. I didn't expect her brother to still be around.
"Maire! The Detective is at the door!" he calls over his shoulder.
Mary arrives seconds later donning a dirty dish towel over her shoulder.
"Hello, Detective. Naturally you show up the day after I get home from my vacation... come on in, make yourself at home. You may as well move in," she replies, walking toward the kitchen.
Once I arrive in the kitchen I see yet another visitor, the spitting image of his father, only about twenty years younger. He stands up and extends his hand over the kitchen table. "Christian," he says, and Mary shakes her head, scoffing to herself at his introduction. "Don't mind her, she's batty," he says, glancing over my shoulder while shaking my hand. "Aunt Maire has told us all about you and the other detective who have been around here more often than her own husband... where's the other one?" He asks before adding, "'cause if she looks anything like you then I can assume you are a double threat," he finishes with a wink.
He and his father take a seat at the table and I can feel both of them eyeing me up and down. And shit like this is why I am gay. Gross.
"I was hoping to have a word with you, Mary?"
"Of course you were, I knew you weren't coming here to see how I was doing," she snarkily replies while drying her hands and taking a seat next to her brother. Okay, I guess we are going to do this right here.
Mary gestures at the only open chair and I take a seat.
"So, where is John, today?" I ask first. I know that I can't let Mary know that I am onto her, so now I need to set the stage to have her thinking John is about to be nailed for these murders.
"Who the fuck knows anymore to be honest," she seethes. Tom places a reassuring hand on Mary's back, the gesture calming Mary slightly.
"Business?" I ask.
"Or pleasure," she counters.
"Well, haven't they morphed into one in the same for good old Uncle John?" Christian interjects.Clearly John has not been as good at sneaking around as he thought.
"Do you know a Sarah O'Connor?"
"Oh, that's her name, is it?" Mary hisses.
Tom interjects. "Do you happen to know where John is right now, Detective? I would assume you've got people tailing him with the shitstorm that has been happening around him," he says. Is Tom just a supportive brother, or could potentially have something to do with all of this?
"No, we do not know where he is," I reply.
"Listen, I am a Divorce Attorney, and I need all the information I can get about John so I can get my sister here the best settlement possible."
I did not expect Mary to be so forthright about knowing John was having an affair, so I am a little taken aback at everything unfolding in front of me and really wishing I had my fucking partner here right now. Camila always knew to interject when my mind was reeling, to allow me to gather my thoughts, and God am I really missing that right now.
"Mary, if you knew about the affair, why did you not tell us about it on one of the many occasions we met?"
"I have been with John a very long time, Detective. I know when he comes home from a long weekend and smells like he tried to shower another woman's perfume off. I have recognized his attachment to his cell, and his need to walk away from me whenever his phone rings. I'm not blind."
"So why now, then?" I ask.
"Detective, our daughter is dead. You would think that would be enough to have him stay. You would think he would want to stay at home with his wife of 29 years when finding out his daughter was murdered in his own home." Motive. "Turns out, when tragedy strikes in his own life, he would rather be consoled by someone else than the woman he brought that child into the world with," she finishes.Motive-motive-motive. Holy fucking shit.
"I understand that. When did you say the last time you went to the Florida house was?" Fuck I need Camila here my head is fucking spinning. I know that the only murder we cannot currently connect to Mary is now the Kissinger case in Florida and I am grasping at straws at this point.
"I told you it was for our 25th anniversary," she says, averting her eyes.
"No it wasn't Mary, that was what... four or five years ago? You've been down since then," Tom says, nonchalantly and Mary damn near twitches at the mention. My hands are shaking underneath the table at this revelation.
"Oh, right well I wasn't with John that time - she is asking when I went with John last," Mary chokes.Guilty.
"Oh so you have been there without John as well?" I ask, hoping to mask the urgency in my voice.
"Well, yes... I went to Florida and stayed at Tom's in Daytona," she says as I pull out my notebook and quickly thumb to an empty page.
"How long ago was this?"
"I don't know, I don't remember... a few years," she says sheepishly.
Tom looks at her confused and interjects, "Maire, it was for The Fourth of July two summers ago. Definitely not long ago enough that you shouldn't remember," Tom answers so honestly that I have now crossed him off of my list as a possible co-conspirator.
"Alright, that wraps it up for today," I say, wiping my sweaty palms on my pants as I stand up.
"You can stay for a bit longer, if you'd like," Christian says with another wink, reminding me that he was even here.
"That's sweet of you but I have got to get back to work," I reply with a fake smile. "It was nice meeting you, and Mary thank you for your time, yet again."
Mary walks me to the door as the other two stay seated in the kitchen. I can hear Christian say, "They don't have Detectives like that anywhere but the movies."
To which his father replies, "I would have to agree... and from what your aunt said, her partner is right on par."
Mary grabs my attention when we reach the foyer. "When you make John's arrest, I'll be there to testify at the drop of a hat, Detective," she says opening the door. Well that was oddly confident, you guilty bitch.
"We will let you know when we have enough to make the arrest. Thanks again, Mary."
Mary simply nods and shuts the door behind me.
I briskly walk to my car and peel out immediately, fumbling with the dial on the car to call Camila through my Bluetooth. She answers on the third ring.
"Hello?"
"Camila. You would never fucking believe the meeting I just had with Mary."
--
The rest of the day is spent compiling my information from today for our briefing with the Chief when Camila gets back into work on Monday.
I have contacted Sarah O'Connor to reschedule our interview from tomorrow to Monday. This case is getting muddier by the minute, and although I would never admit this out loud - Camila and I make are better together.
I probably could have left over an hour ago, but I have been procrastinating leaving for Ally's.
It's 6:30PM now and I decide I can't look at this paperwork any longer without my partner to fill in the gaps, so I reluctantly close my files and pack up for the day.
I push open the double doors while looking at my phone and hear a loud, "Oomph." as the glass door connects, hard, with someone's body. I quickly look up to see Officer Redding standing awkwardly holding her elbow into her chest, rubbing the point of contact.
"I am so sorry! I wasn't looking where I was going an-"
"LAUREN! Lauren... it's fine. I'm fine," she interjects, looking to move past me.
I usually am very good at avoiding my former flings. I am usually on high alert each time I have to make my way in and out of the building, but with the recent arrival of Camila, I have been off my game in every possible way. I am not used to having these accidental meetings and not used to seeing the look on their faces when they look at me. From this close, I can see the hurt painted on her features and I feel terrible.
Officer Redding makes a move for the door but I grab her wrist before she can wrench it open, "Valerie-"
"Oh wow, you remembered my name this time," she sarcastically replies.
"Listen, I am really sorry for that morning. And to be honest, I am really sorry that that night even happened."
"You're sorry we slept together? Nice. Is this supposed to make me feel better? Is this your sad attempt at actually having a conscience?" She replies, making me wince.
"Okay, I deserved that," I say, and she gives a weak smile in response. "I am sorry for that night because I knew nothing was going to come of it and I allowed it to happen anyway. I am about to say one of the most overused sentences in the English language but believe me when I say, it's not you, it's me."
"Jesus, Lauren. Just stop. It's over and I'm over it. Thanks though." She makes a move to sidestep me and I block her path, again.
"No... I owe you an apology. Things have gone on in my life that made me very closed off from allowing myself to feel anything for anyone. I'm not looking for pity or for you to forget how much of an asshole I was, but I do hope one day you can forgive me. I don't know if you have even realized this, but I haven't brought anyone home since you. The way I treated you was kind of a wake up call to me. Someone shed a little light on the situation for me in a way no one else has and I ju-"
"Camila," she interjects.
"Huh?"
"Camila," she repeats. "Camila got here and all the sudden none of the female employees here are talking about the way Lauren Jauregui got into their pants and their heads. No more caddy bullshit with women who thought they meant something to you just to find out their patrol partner thought they meant something to you as well. Camila came here and got you to feel what some of us were hoping you would feel for us."
I am at a complete loss for words. I was not aware that anyone other than Camila and I knew about the things I confessed last night. Valerie smiles at my silence.
"It's okay to have feelings, Lauren..." she pats me on the shoulder and scoots inside the building without another word. I am left stunned for a few seconds, replaying the conversation.
I make my way to my car, dreading going to Ally and Camila's - brainstorming ways to get out of it.
I turn the car on and decide to head home; none of them will know that I am not still at work.
I get into my apartment and shut the door before leaning back against it, emotionally and mentally exhausted from the last 24 hours. My phone buzzes in my back pocket that is pressed against the door, making me jump. I pull my phone out of my pocket to see Normani's name across the screen. I sigh, throwing my head back against the door before accepting the call.
"Hey, Mani."
"Lo, where the hell are you?"
"I'm at work."
"Oh really cause Dinah told me you were gonna flake, so I followed your dumb ass home. Come to my car now, we are going to Ally and Camila's. I went for a run and did Yoga this morning so you BEST not make my ass get out of this car to come drag you."
"Ugh! Maniiiiiii-"
"Nope that little pout is not going to work on me. Let's go. You have two minutes to make yourself all sexy and 'Lauren-like' and then I am coming up there."
I realize I am not getting out of this. "Make it five, and what the fuck is "Lauren-like"?" I ask.
"You know... how you are all hard edges with a soft inside. That whole 'dark and brooding lesbian' thing with your boots and beanies that still somehow look girly," she says, and I can practically hear the hair flip.
"Okay, okay," I chuckle, "I actually think I know what you are talking about. But for the record, I am not trying to impress anyone." I hang up without waiting for a response.
--
I get into Normani's car ten minutes later with a fresh bottle of Tito's vodka with a bow on it.
"Boom," Normani says, shifting into gear.
"Am I supposed to know what that means? You and Dinah, sometimes, I swear."
"It means you took my advice. You look hot, girl... Mila is going to love it."
"Could you all please hop off the Lauren and Camila train? It's not going to happen."
"Both of you idiots need to stop fighting so hard."
"Who said either of us was fighting anything? What if there is nothing to fight?" I ask, insecurity lacing each syllable.
"Lauren we have been best friends for years now, right?"
"Right...?"
"I have seen countless girls come and go from your life."
"Yeah, but... I haven't even made Camila cum so how could she even 'go' anywhere?" I slap my knee at my own joke.
"Oh, you are nasty... but that was actually pretty damn good," she grins, sticking her hand out for a high five. "Anyway, I am just saying it's different with Camila - and shut that little mouth of yours," she scolds when she sees my mouth open to cut her off, "because I think it says more that you haven'tslept with her and that there is still a notable difference between her and the other girls."
We pull up to a complex of new apartment buildings.
"Well, I am sorry to burst your bubble, but it's not happening... Camila's words, not mine," I confess. Normani pulls into a parking spot and turns to me.
"Wait, what?!"
"I don't feel like rehashing this before I have to go in there and make nice with her for the rest of the night. Whenever it is that Dinah pulls me aside to talk about it, you can tag along," I say.
"Damn it! You would tell Dinah before me. I am really starting to second guess which of us is really your best friend, you know," Normani jokes as we both get out of the car.
"There is enough of me to go around, you are both my best friends," I say, smiling at her lovingly over the car before grabbing the Tito's and heading toward the apartment.
--
Normani knocks on the door and we wait patiently. The door flies open to reveal Camila, wearing high waisted tan jeans and a red sleeveless turtleneck crop top, with her long hair in a loose braid that hangs over her shoulder. There was a small window of space between the top of her jeans and her tight red shirt that exposed her slender, tan stomach. Fuck, this was a terrible idea.
"Laur... are you coming in, or what?" Camila says, her hand extended, palm up in the direction of the apartment.
"Yeah, sorry," I murmur, brushing past her.
The apartment door leads into what looks like the kitchen where Dinah is animatedly chatting with who I assume to be Sofi.
Dinah turns to face me, sass all over her features. "Don't you dare think Mani didn't call me from her car to tell me you drove home from work then had the audacity to LIE about it right to her face."
"Technically, it wasn't her face, it was her ear. And how the hell do you know I didn't just run home to change?"
"Because if there is 'no one to impress', why would you?" she and Normani exchange little smiles.Mani, you little twat. "Whatever. I'll deal with you later," she scoffs and turns back to a giggling Sofi.
I walk further into the kitchen and place the Tito's on the counter as Camila stands on the adjoining side of the island. "Sof, come here," she beckons, and Sofi shows up next to us in a matter of seconds.
"Sofi, this is Lauren, Lauren - Sofi"
"Uh, I get what you mean about her eyes, Mila. Whoa," the young girl laughs and I can't help but smile at Camila's red cheeks.
"Thanks, Sofi... it's always nice to meet people after being complimented," I laugh.
"Well I mean, I had an idea of what you would look like cause Mila wouldn't shut up, but shit..." she says eyeing me up and down.
"Sofia Cabello, watch your damn mouth!" Camila scolds from the counter behind us.
Dinah perks up, leaning to whisper into Sofi's ear. "Hey Sofi, can you teach me bad words in Spanish?"
"Shut up, Dinah... my baby sister will do no such thing," Camila objects.
"Mila, I didn't come visit you and escape that hell hole to have you parenting me," Sofi says with a roll of her eyes while heading back toward her place next to Dinah.
"You're basically my baby, alright? Let me live."
I laugh at the banter between the sisters and find Camila's overprotection really endearing.
"Where is Ally?" I ask.
"She's on the little deck with Normani," she says pointing toward a door through the adjoining room. "Yep that's right, we have a little deck!" Camila adorably squeaks. This is going to be a long night. I walk through the Living Room, admiring how much work they got done in the span of today. I guess three people can get a lot done.
Ally and Normani stop their conversation as soon as I step foot on the deck. It's early spring here now, and the weather is finally beginning to take a turn. Tonight is a particularly clear and beautiful night.
Dinah calls for Normani and she sprints into the living room. I can hear them bickering over something, but can't tell what it is.
"Allycat!" I say scooping her up in a hug, dangling her feet off the ground.
"Well that's a new one... I like it," she giggles as I put her back down.
I turn to take in the view from the reasonably sized deck, considering this is an apartment.
"This place is gorgeous, what the fuck?! Also, I have lived in my apartment for two years and your place," I exclaim pointing over my shoulder, "looks more lived in than mine ever has. It's really quite rude, if I'm honest."
Ally laughs in response, "well I mean shit, I'm basically an interior decorator - if you need I can come spiff your place up, but it will cost ya," she jokes.
"Oh, no 'friend deals'?"
"Please, I make a teacher's salary. My time is precious."
"Alright, I get it. I mean, I don't really use my apartment anyways so..."
Sofi runs onto the deck with her phone above her head, "I can't get a damn signal in here!"
I look back inside the apartment to see Camila cooking dinner while Dinah and Normani battle over who controls the remote.
"I better go back in there before they break something," Ally says, making her way back inside.
Sofi is no longer hopping around with her phone in the air, she's now sitting down in a lawn chair with her head in her hands.
"What's wrong?" I say as I peer over at her.
She's the mirror image of Camila - short, dark hair and tan skin. But her personality is another story. She's so much different than Camila that you would think they wouldn't get along as well as they do.
"I haven't gotten a signal all day, and I need to text my boyfriend," she starts, "Well, my ex-boyfriend."
"You have a boyfriend? I mean, an ex? Damn, you're too young to have a boyfriend, let alone and ex-boyfriend."
"I'm fifteen! That's old enough for a lot of things," Sofi says, playfully ripping her phone cover off and putting it back on. "Plus, I just wanted to text him to let him know that he's a horrible kisser."
"Well, if he's your ex, he clearly doesn't deserve you. You've gotta find someone who really makes you happy, who can be there for you even when things get hard."
"Like you are for my sister?" Sofi begins to chuckle at my reddening face.
"Your sister is a really good friend, she deserves someone great," I frown at the thought of Camila being with someone else. "It just isn't me, unfortunately."
"You know, being with Chase was actually pretty awful. He smelled and would always kiss me smelling like onions. And then he kissed my best friend...So, I broke up with him." Her eyes are full and dark, just like Camila's. I'm reminded of her in every movement Sofi makes. "Guys are so stupid."
"You know... girls don't usually smell like onions," I wink, causing her to throw her head back and laugh. "I'm just kidding, but you're young, you don't need to figure it all out now," I assure.
"But that's the thing...I'm not so young that I'm oblivious. I realized that he wasn't really making me happy. So I dumped him." Sofi moves her chair closer to me. "He didn't support me or make me laugh...so now I at least know what I deserve, and it's not him. If I can figure out what I deserve, why can't you and my sister?"
"It's a lot more complicated than that. As you get older, you'll realize all these things just get more and more complex, and you have no control over them."
"They're complicated enough, as is," she says, eyes cast down. "When Mila left it was really hard. I was young, you know?" I nod in response, allowing her to continue. "I couldn't understand why she wasn't at home anymore and I resented her for it for a while. Now that I am old enough to grasp what really went on, I can't help but resent my parents."
"You know she never would have left you had she felt there was any other choice."
"She made sure to still be active in my life. She always did. She really is the best sister I ever could have asked for... I just wish my parents had allowed her to be there the way she wanted to be - with Camila gone, I don't have my sister to help me get through these stupid little things," Sofi explained, staring off into the apartment complex.
"She misses you a lot. She tells me every day. Camila feels awful about leaving you in Miami. She feels guilty for almost everything - for leaving you when you were little, for moving out, for moving up here for the case. But she did what she had to at the time, to make sure that she was safe and happy. That doesn't mean that she doesn't think about you constantly, because she does," I smile, "Sofi, I know pretty much everything about you. What you used to do when you and Camz went to the pool during the summer, how you'd try to swallow the pool water. I know that the day she left your house for good, she went up to your bed while you were sleeping to pull the covers over you one last time. Your sister talks about you like you're the person she cares most about in the world..."
Sofi is speechless at this point, so I continue to fill the silence.
"The case should wrap up soon enough and she will be back before you even know it. And, if you ever feel sad about it, you can always come visit here again in a few weeks. I'm sure she'd love it. If you need me to pick you up from the airport..."
Before I can finish my monologue, Sofi's arms are wrapped around my torso and her head is on my chest. She lingers there for a minute, squeezing me tighter with each passing second. Her phone is laying on the ground, long forgotten.
"She was right about you, you know," Sofi blurts out.
"Oh yeah? What did she say?" I ask, out of genuine curiosity.
Sofi opens her mouth to reply, quickly shutting it as her attention shifts to the doorway. I look over to see Camila making her way toward the open door, watching us break away from our hug. There's a shy smile on her face and an apron is tied at her back.
"Can you guys come in and eat? I don't want this to get cold." She uses her thumb to point to the kitchen table where everyone is already sitting.
--
Dinner was delicious and Camila and I acted as though nothing had happened yesterday. It made me happy that despite everything going on, we could still be friends. Even though I still have to push my feelings for her aside, it was worth it knowing that I can still have her in my life in some facet that wasn't strictly business.
Normani and Dinah decide to start a game of Trouble with everyone, but I just don't feel up to playing, so I decide to take advantage of the view outside on the deck instead. Hopefully they won't notice I'm gone.
The stars are incredibly vivid tonight. There is a beautiful contrast of the large pines of the forest, creating a dark silhouette against the bright night sky. The moon is hanging low, barely visible through the breaks in the trees.
"Pensive?" I hear a soft voice from the doorway.
"Something like that. I guess I've just had a really busy day. I haven't had a second to think to myself."
"Oh, right, well let me leave you to it -" Camila says, turning her back to me.
"No, no, it's ok, I mean this is your apartment, and I wouldn't turn down some company," I softly smile, turning back around to face the sky, both of my hands resting on the banister in front of me.
"What are you looking at?"
"Everything, really. I've always had a fascination with all of this- I used to sit outside when I was young and count all the stars in the sky. And each night I would return to see if the same ones were there."
"Wow, I didn't peg you for a naturalist, Lauren."
"Please, I grew up in Orange County. People think of New York and think of the bustling city full of people, pollution and bright lights. Don't get me wrong, I can enjoy a night marveling at all the city has to offer but this-" I gesture at everything around us, "this is my sanity."
Camila doesn't answer and I can feel her gaze lingering on the side of my face. We continue to sit in silence for a few minutes - or as silent as it can be when Dinah is on the other side of the wall in an intense game of Trouble - and eventually Camila returns her gaze toward the sky.
"You know, I used to think the beach was the only place that could calm my nerves and put me at ease, but I gotta say, Jauregui... this isn't a bad view either." I smile at her admittance.
"What is it about the beach that gets you?" I ask.
"It's everything. It is a five sense experience." I notice her immediate demeanor change when I ask her to talk about it. "I used to go for runs really early in the mornings, once I lived on my own. I had developed a light insomnia issue... I mean I was pretty young and all of a sudden on my own." I can't help but frown at the idea of all the things this girl went through so young. "Everyone loves to talk about sunsets, but I am convinced that is only because they are too lazy to witness the sunrise. It's beautiful to watch the sky slowly brighten. It has all the same colors as the sunset, only they have a different... I don't know... a different texture, almost." Camila's eyes have zoned out a little, looking at the horizon. "Light is constantly chasing dark. Each sunset is followed by a sunrise - and I just totally got off topic, sorry," I chuckle at her attention span.
"So back to it, then... what is it about the beach?" I lead.
"Well what I was trying to say, before my brain ran away with my thoughts, was that I always went for these early runs to end up on the beach in time for sunrise. It goes much quicker than you would think, and I timed it perfectly each day. The beach is quietest in the mornings. At night you have the stragglers and the stupid high schoolers and the late night make-outers - shut up it's a new word I just made it up - anyway, none of those people are there in the morning. So I like to take off my shoes after my run and feel the texture of the sand as I make my way to the shoreline. There is something so calming about the white noise of the ocean current. The smell of the water. The shock to your system the first time the water laps at your bare feet, which becomes less shocking each time it hits. You can nearly taste the salt of the sea as light sprays hit you from crashing waves. Then there is that sunrise. The kind that is the same, but somehow looks a different kind of beautiful every single day."
In the time Camila was talking, I couldn't look away from her once. I was enraptured with the way the stars were illuminating her soft skin in their bluish light, and the twinkling off her dark, soft eyes that were alit with the memory of her favorite place.
"I think I miss the beach more than I realized," she says, with a light laugh. "I'm sorry I just got really carried away," she adds, turning bashful.
"Don't ever apologize for passion. There isn't enough of that in this world."
Camila simply smiles back at me. "So, Jauregui... tell me about your sanctuary," she requests.
"Well... I love the beach just as much as the next person, but I have a thing for landscapes. I love seeing colors more vibrant than you can find on any magazine or billboard or fucking phone screen, here in the natural world. I love that you can look up and trace the sky for miles, until it is sliced in half by the horizon. I like to feel small."
"How do you mean?"
"I think that sometimes it's easy to get carried away in the bullshit of everyday life. I think it's easy to take a little problem you may be having and blow it up. It's so easy with every social media platform and means of inserting your own ideas and thoughts into other peoples' faces that I think we forget how small we are." I catch a glimpse of Camila's confused face. "I'm not explaining this well at all," I say.
"No, no... you are - to be honest, I had never really thought of it exactly like that."
"I like the idea of Nature and of feeling small because humans have placed themselves on such a high pedestal, but guess what... that tree right there," I say, gesturing at a particularly large silhouette of an old oak tree, "that tree was there before I was born, and it will be there long after I die. There are a few things that could deem that statement untrue, but do you know what the most likely reason would be if that tree didn't outlast me?"
"Humans."
"Right," I confirm. "I like to get myself grounded. If I am feeling overwhelmed or hopeless I like to go somewhere or witness something that will show me how small my problem is. That with or without the issue I'm having, this world will continue to spin and thrive. It's amazing how sometimes a problem you thought was a big deal can be forgotten once you recognize how insignificant it is in this big, beautiful world of ours." The comfortable silence returns as we look back out at the stars. "Well I hope you feel less embarrassed about your rant after mine."
Camila doesn't harp on my bashfulness. "Where would you go in this moment if you could close your eyes and open them in an entirely different place?"
"So you are basically asking me if I was a witch, where would I apparate to?"
"Oh my god, you're also a Potterhead?!" Camila squeals, clapping her hands together.
"I may or may not have the collector's edition wands of most of the characters. The wands that come in those thick boxes and actually have a small tab inside that reads... and I quote: "This wand is not a toy.""
"Okay, what the hell are we still even doing here? Why are we not at your apartment playing with these fucking wands?" Camila deadpans.
"Because, Camz... They are not toys. Jesus, get it together." Camila lets out a hearty laugh which sets my insides on fire.
The door behind us creaks open and we both turn around to see Sofi standing in the open door and the other three girls all staring expectantly at us from the coffee table.
"What in the fuck are you guys doing out there?" Dinah shouts, receiving smirks from all four of the idiots inside.
"We are talking about the philosophy behind Harry Potter,"
"Oh, ew... ew Sofi close that door and leave those weirdos to it." Dinah scoffs, and Sofi laughs, giving her sister a meaningful smile before pulling the door shut. Just before the door closes I hear Dinah mutter, "Harry Potter... those weirdos were made for each other... WHOSE TURN IS IT?!"
"Well, that was easy," Camila smiles.
"Dinah is easy. Just gotta know what makes her tick," I respond.
"You still haven't answered my question."
"Oh yeah... if I could go anywhere, right?"
"Yes."
"This is going to sound super random, but I would want to go to Iceland."
"You weren't kidding, that is random as hell, Lo," she answers.
"I don't know if you have ever seen Bon Iver's video for 'Holocene', but that video was what made me set on Iceland," I confess.
"Most people with high stress jobs like ours say something more like the Bahamas, or Hawaii... but here you come and say Iceland? First of all, I have never seen that video, but maybe now it's worth a look, and second... you never cease to amaze me."
"Well the video is just what sparked my interest in Iceland, but I did some more research than that," I say. "Did you know that there are days in the month of June that the sun never fully sets on Northern Iceland? How cool is that? A perpetual, never ending day. Aurora Borealis is highly visible as well... I mean you have to sorta get lucky to witness it, but imagine?" I finish.
"If you had asked me ten minutes ago that same question, I probably would have said Hawaii, mostly for their pizza toppings, but still. Now you've got my head all fucked up and wanting to see that Aura thing you were just talking about even though, what the hell is that? And you know how I feel about sunrise already, so perpetual day sounds pretty fucking amazing," she rants.
"Camz... Aurora Borealis... The Northern Lights?" Camila shrugs in response. "You've definitely seen pictures; it's that strip of huge, colorful dancing lights across a night sky. They're usually green and purple and blue. It's just amazing to me that these anomalies occur naturally, and how few of us in this world get to witness them."
I bend over, leaning my elbows on the banister, returning my gaze to the sky and I can still feel Camila's eyes on me.
"Your turn," she states, still looking at me with her head cocked to the side.
"What is one thing you want to accomplish or have done before you... kick the bucket?"
"Well, shit... that went 'zero to a hunnit'. Real quick."
"I'm going to disregard the fact that you just quoted Drake while I point out the fact that we were not going 'zero'... I would say we were already going a solid 50, at least." Camila pushes my shoulder playfully, causing my elbow to slip off the banister. I lose my balance momentarily before standing back up and turning to face her. I fold my arms across my chest, leaning one hip into the railing - Camila mirrors my position.
"I would like to solve this fucking case, that's what I would like to do before I die," she giggles.
"Well... I'm on the case too," I flip my hair dramatically over my shoulder and study my nails, "so it'll get solved. I'm the best detective I know."
"You're such an ass." Camila leans a hand on the banister, swinging her body at an angle while she thinks. "I don't know if this is selfish or not, but I would like to experience love."
"That isn't at all selfish," I reply honestly, using one hand to steady myself on the banister while I shift my weight to the other hip. My hand grabs the metal bar right next to Camila's. She is still fidgeting next to me, and I am fighting the urge to close the gap between our hands so hard, that my heart is in actual pain.
"I want to experience the kind of love that gives other people hope. The kind of love that people talk about. The kind that is terrifying and comforting and all encompassing. The kind of love that - whenever it is that I have kids - they will know each and every day that they were brought here on earth with an unwavering love." I watch her closely as she swings her body that is anchored by her hand on the rail and notice how she won't look at me while she is talking about this. "What about you?" she finally looks up at me, slowing down her movements.
"I want to change someone's life."
"Do you have to always have these selfless answers while I'm being all selfish over here?"
"I didn't specify how I wanted to change someone's life yet, Camz... slow your roll," I tease. "I would like to be the good someone sees in themselves. I would like to have someone go to sleep knowing they are important, and wake up knowing the same. If I could change many peoples' lives for the better, I would. But for now, I hope I can one day be that person for someone that makes everything just a little bit easier. I want to feel small with someone but make sure they know they are the furthest thing from small in someone's life. They are the furthest thing from small to me." I look Camila in the eye the entire time I am speaking, and she stops her ministrations altogether. Once the eye contact gets to be too much, she begins dangling from the bar again, clearing her throat and looking down.
Camila swings her body one last time, slightly losing her grip of the banister. I quickly reach out to steady her just as her hand finds the railing again.
I realize too late that she was able to catch herself and that my hand can feel the warmth of the skin on her open mid-drift - the proximity is deadly. Before I can remove my hand, she holds it in place with her own, and relinquishes the railing, standing up straight. Her now free hand travels to my face as she tucks a strand of hair behind my ear. Her face is now only a few inches from mine and I can't hear a single thing but my own heart pounding in my ears.
Camila stays like this for a couple seconds, searching my eyes for something. She lets her gaze travel down to my lips briefly, causing her head to lean slightly closer to my own. My senses are all flaring at once, and breathing is becoming harder by the second. I need to relieve at least of one my senses, so I quickly look down. I am never this nervous around women. Confidence is half of my game, so I have no idea what to do with myself when Camila is eliciting all kinds of crazy feelings without doing much of anything.
I feel her hand travel from where it lingered in my hair, right under my chin, lifting my gaze again to meet her own.
"Camz," I whisper, swallowing hard.
"I don't know how much longer I can fight this," she admits.
"So don't."
Camila's confession gave me the confidence I so desperately needed.
I use my hand she kept on her waist to pull her body closer and her breath hitches when her torso makes contact with mine. I don't break eye contact as I lean in. We are now close enough that I am filling my lungs with her air, and her with mine. After last night, I want to allow Camila to make the final decision.
She seems hesitant to close the remaining space, so I ghost my lips over hers, my eyes reflexively closing when I feel our lips graze one another's. My head is spinning and my heart is pounding, hoping she wants this half as bad as I do. Before I can formulate a coherent thought I feel the softest pair of lips enclose around my bottom lip, and I swear this feeling has surpassed anything I have ever felt.
My hand leaves the banister, sliding under the hair that has fallen to the side of Camila's face, my fingers snaking into the hair behind her ear. We exchange dizzyingly soft kisses and I instinctively tighten my grasp on her waist. Camila opens her mouth with a small gasp at the pressure, the small opening allows me enough room to hesitantly explore her mouth.
I am moving slowly, first lightly dragging the tip of my tongue against her full bottom lip, until my tongue is met halfway by her own. My breathing doubles at the contact, spreading a hot warmth through my entire body, erupting in a quiet moan that Camila absorbs before tilting her head to deepen the kiss.
As the kiss intensifies, our mouths come up searching for air, only to plunge again into a soft, delicate kiss.
I can feel a rush at the base of my throat, in my chest, in my stomach, making its way to the tips of my fingers and toes. My pulse is quickening with each passing second. If I weren't entirely paralyzed by my trance, I would pass out from shortness of breath.
Her hand creeps up to rest on the back of my neck, and it's nothing short of ecstasy.
"Well well well, what do we have here," Normani interrupts, walking onto the patio with a bag of chips in her hand.
Camila and I quickly separate from each other's grasp and return back to our own positions.
"I - uh, we, we were just looking at the stars. It's a beautiful night," I say hesitantly as I rush past her into the kitchen. I busy myself with washing the dishes and cleaning the counters, so I can keep my mind off what just happened. Camila doesn't follow, instead she stays outside.
"So I guess we won't be having that conversation about what happened last night, huh?" Normani walks back into the kitchen behind me. "It looks like you guys...made up."
I wash the dish in my hand so hard with the scrubber that I'm now beginning to form soap suds all around the kitchen sink.
"I don't think I can even comprehend what just happened, so, let's just not and say we did..."
"You know I won't be letting you off that easy. Tomorrow when all of this has had its time to sink in, we better have that conversation."
"Remember how you were giving me a hard time about who was really my best friend?"
"Yeah?"
"Well now is the time to prove yourself, Mani... and not tell the Tweedle Dum over there about what just happened. At least not until I have some clue as to what any of this means," I beg.
"I mean of course, as long as you aren't referring to me as the Tweedle Dee to her Tweedle Dum, we have a deal, and I gain my rightful place as your number one," Normani says, slapping my ass and heading back to the living room.
I hear Camila's voice from the living room and decide I'll just be a good guest and do the rest of the dishes, you know... while I'm here already.
"Hey, you need any help?" I hear Sofi ask from behind me.
"Hey, yeah if you want you can dry those couple of dishes," I say, pointing to the plates on the towel next to the sink.
"So, you and Mila were out there for a while," she states. I should have said no to her help.
"Yeah, she and Ally got lucky as hell with that view... I definitely don't have anything nearly that gorgeous outside my crappy apartment," Nice save, Jauregui.
"What did you guys talk about? I mean I know it wasn't only Harry Potter," She giggles.
"Actually, we did discuss Harry Potter."
"You guys are lame as hell."
"Why, what would you assume we talked about?"
"I dunno... maybe the blatant feelings you have for one another or something?"
"What the hell did Dinah even say to you?"
"I'm no narc... but also, you guys are more obvious than you think," Sofi discloses, putting some dishes into the cabinet.
"I have no idea what you are talking about," I smirk.
"For the record, I like the idea of you with my sister. She deserves someone good. She's had a lot of shit times and deserves a little happiness."
"What makes you think I would be that person for her?"
"She's already happier, and nothing has even happened yet," Sofi confides.
I feel my face immediately get red as Sofi stirs the memory from the balcony and I swear I can still taste Camila on my lips.
"Well... between you and I, Sofi... and this has to stay between us, deal?" She nods feverishly. "I hope that you're right." Sofi smiles triumphantly, abandoning her dish drying duties abruptly and heading back to the couch.
After enough procrastination, I dry my hands and reluctantly head into the living room with the other girls. Naturally, the only fucking seat left is right next to Camila, so I take my seat, hoping my nerves aren't palpable to everyone in this room. Just as I sit down my phone buzzes in my pocket. Considering the fact that all of my friends are currently in this same room, a pit forms in my stomach as I reach to take out my phone.
(973) 492 - 0998: Good work today... you're getting warmer.