I knew it was stupid, but I simply couldn’t shake the change in atmosphere between Niall and I this afternoon. Even now, as we lay in the pitch-black living room of his cousin’s cramped apartment, it felt weird.
“Niall?” I called into the darkness timidly. I wasn’t sure if he was even awake.
“Yeh?” His voice drifted up from the floor where he lay, tangled in a sheet. He courteously offered me the couch when we had gotten home. Even though I immediately protested, he refused to take no for an answer. Now, I was cuddled into a couch cushion and he was flat on the cold floor, probably twisting the muscles in his back.
Before I formed a response to his tired ‘yeh’, I thought back to earlier this afternoon. Niall and I had never revisited the topic of him calling me hot, and we simply put aside our differences, acting as if the first half of the day never even happened. It was much nicer that way and we had a load of fun at the zoo. I, however, never quite forgot the icy conversation; it was always playing at the back of my mind.
“What was your favourite part of the zoo?” I blurted out, making myself self-conscious. It sounded like something my grandmother would ask.
“I really loved the giraffes.” He chuckled, tiredly. “I’ve had an obsession with the things since I was little. What about you?”
“Zebras.” I rolled over onto my side, sneaking a peek down at him as I twisted around. His eyes were focused on the ceiling, but I pulled the cozy sheet closer to my body nervously anyway, remembering earlier this afternoon.
- - -
“Shit. I forgot pajamas.” I said.
“It’s okay, you can have this shirt. It’s my cousins.” Niall tossed me a large gray sweatshirt. “You can keep it; he has plenty o’ ones just like it.”
I thanked him and slipped it on. I didn’t really have anything to wear on the bottom so I decided to just slip my shorts off once I was under the blanket.
“Turn around,” I yapped, snickering as Niall obediently turned onto his other side.
“You know you’re breaking rule number one...” He dramatically gasped, and I knew he was smiling even though I couldn’t see his face.
“Shut up.” I snarled, whipping a pillow at him as hard as I could. His low chuckle was contagious and soon we were both laughing.
- - -
“Why?” Niall’s voice woke me up from my vivid memory.
I was surprised he responded to the whole zebras thing, so I looked down at him in curiosity. “Why do I like the zebras?”
“Yeah,” His eyes flickered to hers fleetingly. Even in the dark, his blue irises glowed more intensely than anything I’d ever seen.
I’d never thought about it before. Zebras had always been my favourite animal, and I was always perfectly content watching them as a kid. I’d never even thought to question it. “Well, I guess because they’re so beautiful. I mean they have these beautifully vibrant stripes and when they run it’s like the stripes are dancing. And not to mention, they are so incredibly graceful. I guess I love them because they’re just beautiful animals.” I laughed before continuing. “I also love how their manes stick straight on up. I mean I don’t think any other animal could pull it off as well as they do.”
Niall stayed silent; his eyes continuously tracing patterns on the ceiling tiles. Suddenly, I felt edgy. I wondered if this was how he felt when I didn’t respond to him.
“Was that the wrong answer?”
Niall gently laughed. “There is no right or wrong answer, Bee. It’s your opinion.”
“You didn’t say anything so I thought you thought that what I said was stupid.” I admitted. I was suddenly thankful for the dim lighting for he was unable to see my raging blush.
“No,” Niall rushed to answer, taking me aback slightly. “Don’t ever think something you say is stupid. Don’t doubt yourself.”
“Are you alright?” I asked, noticing his unusual anxiety.
“Yeah, I’m good.” He ran his hands through his tangled hair, closing his eyes. “It’s just Chloe.”
“What about her? Do you miss her?”
“I used too, but not really anymore, actually. Only for about the first week after we broke up. But then she was kind of different. She got mean—like really mean.”
“Why are thinking about her now then? Do I remind you of her?” I asked frightfully, thinking of Chloe’s permanent grimace and ice cold glares.
“No.” He laughed. “And that’s a good thing. I was just thinking about ‘er because I remember always being worried about what I said around ‘er. As if she would think I was stupid, or something. I was never quite myself when I was with her. So that’s why I don’t think you should worry about what you say around me, or anyone for that matter, I don’t think you should live in fear of other people’s opinions.”
Niall then mumbled something under his breath. Something that made me think twice about the arrogant boy who he had represented just this morning.
“I care too much about what everyone thinks. No one knows who I actually am.”
“You can be yourself around me.” I whispered, looking into his soft eyes. “In fact, I want nothing more than to get to know the real you.”
Niall stayed quiet for a moment, and then finally, he broke the silence. “Can I ask you something?”
“Of course.”
“Do you like me?” His voice broke, telling me this must have been a hard question for him to ask. He nervously peered up at through his irresistible lashes. His shallow breathing and clenched jaw told me that he was scared for the answer. I could see him twisted blankets in his constricted hands.
“Niall, do you really think I would have come with you if I didn’t?”
His smile lit up the room, but soon disappeared once he continued talking. “Chloe said you wouldn’t like me. She said that you’d think I was obnoxious, ugly, and intolerable. She said that a girl like you would never give a guy like me a second glance. That if you were paying any attention to me it would just be so you could go gossip about it to your friends for a laugh. She said that it wouldn’t matter how funny or confident I tried to be. She said that there would be nothing I could do for us to be friends. She said you’d hate me even more than she does.”
Niall yawned cutely, and rolled onto his flat stomach. “Well, it doesn’t matter. I can stop caring what Chloe thinks, because I have a very important friend now.”
He paused.
“You.”
Seconds later, before I even had a chance to respond, Niall was fast asleep. His quiet snoozing and deep breaths were the only noises filling the room.
I smiled, wrapping my arms tightly around myself, allowing Niall’s sleepy thoughts sink in. I remembered what he’d told me earlier, about how Chloe liked to make him feel bad about himself. I remembered how he coyly ducked his head when we’d been walking to the canal when a group of teens glanced our way. The tiredness that appeared in his eyes every time Chlo accused him of all the things he didn’t do.
But I also remembered the strong, confident Niall who had protected me from the drunken idiot at the bar, and who had called me hot.
I myself was almost beginning to understand Niall and his intriguing complexities. He seemed to open up as soon as we’d escaped Mullingar. He was smiling more brightly, singing sweetly, talking to strangers on the side of the street. I suddenly realized this was all because he was becoming comfortable. That was why he thought it would be okay to tease me and playfully seduce me with his previous strip tease. He was finally breaking the walls he had built for himself after his breakup with my cousin.
When I woke up this morning, it was me who I thought needed the freedom and exploration. But I now knew it was what Niall needed too, maybe even more than I did.
Because he lived in fear too.
Unlike me though, it wasn’t the fear of being unprepared and getting into danger. His was fear of hatred and sadness Chloe had brought on him. Niall was afraid of the teasing and pranks and being known as an outcast, no thanks to his ex-girlfriend. This trip was his escape. This trip was a place where no one knew his name. This trip was a worry-free place where he could have no fear.
No fear of what Chloe was saying to him was true.
I could see it clearly now, as I drifted off into sleep. The fire, the anger on Chloe’s face at the airport. I’d brushed it off as stress and grumpiness, but now I saw what it really was...
Wickedness, detestation, and regret.
Chloe was trying to do what she thought Niall had done to her.
Make him feel isolated, like he would never, ever be good enough.
- - - - - - - - - - -
HEY BABAYS. I really hope you’re enjoying ‘Definitely’ so far. I know these updates are slow but they’ll be speeding up, considering school is almost finished... CAN I GET A HECK YA? Hahah comment, vote, fan... love you x