// Sadie //
"My birthday is in two days. Two days and I will officially be twenty years old. I can't believe this. I'm super excited. This means I'm one year away from legally being able to drink which is hella cool ya know? And I'm just-"
Although I tried to listen to everything that Aymie was saying, I just couldn't focus on her. I've got thirty million thoughts running through my head all at the same time. I keep thinking about what happened with Renee yesterday. I'm so curious about Dean's past. I wanna know about everything that happened between them and yet I'm a bit scared to ask. I'm also curious as to why he didn't tell me half the stuff she mentioned. I know that it's a lot and I know he needs time. He can't tell me about all this stuff at once, I understand that. But we're engaged...I just feel like we should be opening up to each other more. There's things I haven't told him about my past as well...
I know I shouldn't be worried about it. It'll all come in due time, I just have to be patient. But I just wanna be sure that he will eventually tell me. What if he never mentions it? What if he doesn't wanna tell me about he and Renee's history? That would hurt me...I don't mean to pry or be nosy...But at the same time, I feel like it's my right to know about what went on.
I'm thinking about my engagement too. Me and Dean are engaged but how long will our engagement last? Like Stephanie said, Who knows when we'll be able to have the wedding. It could be a year from now or two years from now or it could be one month from now. I just keep worrying about it because...I wonder if he'll get tired of me before we can even get married? What if we have a fight and call it quits? That's the last thing I want.
I'm thinking about the fact that we'll be moving in with one another soon. He bought the house already and we'll be able to move in in less than two weeks and I have not told Aymie the news yet. How will she take it? Will she be happy or upset or angry? I'd understand if she was angry. We didn't talk to her about this huge decision before we made it...
Me and Dean will be living together. We'll go home together. We'll go to bed and we'll see each other and then we'll wake up and we'll see each other. What if he gets tired of me? We already tour together. Sometimes, He'll need his space. I don't want him to feel suffocated...But he's the one who asked me to move in with him. But what if he starts to regret it? What if he thinks he made a mistake?
My relationship is becoming so serious. My life is changing so fast and I'm just scared that something along the way will go wrong. I wanna have a happy ending. I want to have a nice wedding and I wanna live happily with Dean and I want us to start a family together. But we have so many obstacles.
How will this all turn out? Renee is pregnant with Dean's child. She'll be in our lives forever and...I wonder if we'll be able to deal with that. I wonder if we're strong enough to be together even when his child gets here. I don't think I can hate a child but...I definitely will not feel...Good around it. It's not mine, It's his. It'll be awkward. But what can I do? It's his child and he has to be there for it.
Even though starting a family should be last thing on my mind, I can't stop thinking about it. I wanna have a family with Dean. How will we do that? We can adopt, Yes. But when will he want to? Will we agree on what kid we want? Will that even matter to us?
I have no idea how the future will turn out and I cannot lie. I am scared. So scared. Because I am so stressed right now but I've never been happier. I am so happy with Dean. I'm in love with him. So in love with him. I just wanna be with him forever. I hope we get to be happy with one another.
"Earth to Sadie." Aymie says, Snapping her fingers in front of my eyes. I shake my head and look at her. "Jesus,Girl. Your eyes are all glazed over and red and half closed...You look so tired. You okay?"
"Yeah, Fine." I shrug, Standing up from the table slowly. I groan before making my way over to the fridge slowly to get a bottle of water. "I need an aspirin." I mutter to myself.
"You are so exhausted and stressed..." She sighs. "You know, This is my last week here on tour with you...Why don't you and I spend a nice girl's day out, Hm? On my birthday." She smiles widely. "We can get massages, We can get mani pedis, Go shopping, Do all that stuff. It'll be great. It's all I want."
"That does sound good. I can book a spa day for us." I smile. "Always wanted to try a mud bath..."
"Yeah." She smirks. "It'll just be a relaxation day. No men for a while, No drama, No arguments and ass kicking." She giggles. "It'll be so cool."
"Sounds like a great idea." I smirk.
******
I smile softly at Dean as he talks away about something that I don't even understand. He was talking about food just s minute ago but then I zoned out and when I zoned back in he was talking about how to kill a wolf or something illegal like that.
Wait,Is it illegal to kill a wolf? I'd imagine so...Who knows.
I slowly swirl my straw around in my drink and look past his head,Noticing how the sun is shining in what seems to be just one single spot.
I really wish I could just shove everything Renee said out of my head and move on with my life. I hate to admit it but her words really got to me. Are there things that he's not telling me? Does he not want me to know about their past? Some things are too personal to speak about with someone other than the person that the things happened with. But...I don't know. We're engaged now for godness sake. I just feel like we should be telling each other everything.
Maybe I should start it off. There are a lot of things that I haven't told Dean about my past. He knows about my abusive ex but he doesn't know everything I feel he should. He doesn't know about...my dad.
I still have secrets of my own. I should open up to him more. I just feel so pressured because...I don't know. We're engaged now so I just automatically assume that we should kick out relationship up a notch. Like...we need to be more open with one another. I just feel like whatever secrets we have,we should just lay them all out on the table.
"Baby?"
"What?" I ask,Looking at his face. He looks worried. "You weren't paying any attention. I called your name like four times." He tells me.
"Oh...I'm sorry." I mumble,Sighing a little. "I'm sorry I should be paying you more attention. I'm sorry-"
"Hey no,It's fine. I was just telling you about the time I made a car explode anyways." He shrugs.
"Wha- I thought you killed a wolf-Never mind." I shake my head.
"Are you alright? You seem out of it. Are you stressed about something? Is it your job? If they're over working you I can have a talk with them..."
"No no,It's not my job. I'm fine." I smile. He tilts his head and narrows his eyes at me. "Tell me the truth." He says sternly.
"I uhm,I talked to Renee yesterday." I shrug. "Fucking shit." He grumbles. "I swear to god I don't hit women but that bitch makes me wanna punch her in the throat."
"No throat punching,Please." I giggle slightly. "It's just...god this is stupid." I shake my head.
"Nothing you say will ever be stupid to me." He smiles. "Tell me what's bothering you."
"She was telling me about your past kind of...She was telling me she still loves you and blah blah blah. Then she was telling me that you guys have a history together. And that there are things about your relationship that I still don't know about..."
"That's true." He sighs. "That bothers you,Doesn't it?"
"I wish it didn't." I admit. "Im sorry I'm just a bit curious and...You don't have to tell me a thing. I understand if you just wanna keep what you and Renee had between,Well,You and Renee." I smile softly.
"My past is hard to talk about." He shrugs. "A lot of things happened and I honestly rather not go back to the time where me and Renee were a thing...But it's important that you know about the things that happened."
"Are you sure?" I ask.
"This is bothering you so much. I want you to be okay with our relationship. And being completely open and honest with each other is much needed. Yeah I wanna tell you everything." He smiles.
"I have stuff to tell you too if that makes you feel any better." I say.
"Alright...Well how about me and you go up to our hotel room and talk about all of this." He suggests. I nod.
He stands up and holds his hand out so that I can grab it. I do and stand up as well. We start to walk towards the elevator and I sigh a little.
Everything will be out in the open soon.