Adam sat at his desk, it had been two weeks since they lost their son. The doctors deeming the surviving baby's odds as very good, just coming short of declaring him out of the woods.
He was staring into space when Jay approached him, "Adam, it's late. Go home" he said softly, "we got the paper work covered"
Adam nodded, "thanks Jay" he grabbed his coat and left.
They still hadn't told Anthony or Harper, Kim didn't want to discuss it at all,it worried Adam he was afraid she was in a denial of some sort. Always referring to the 'babies' and not the 'baby'.
Unable to take the crib apart on his own he had sent Annie over to do it along with removing some of the clothes, but Kim wouldn't allow any of it to be removed. He gave up, he didn't want to stress her out anymore than she already was.
The house was quiet when he got home, "Kids asleep?" He asked her, she seemed to be watching an infomercial, his question going unanswered. "Darlin', you hear me?"
Her head turned in his direction, "Huh?"
"The kids, are they in bed?"
"Oh, yea. Both in bed" she went back to staring at the television.
"Let's go to bed" he told her, "it's late"
"Yea, okay" she got up and followed him.
Stopping in the hallway, tears springing to her eyes, "Adam, my water just broke" she said through tears, it was supposed to be a happy occasion but she was heartbroken. She was supposed to be giving birth to two boys, but instead she was giving birth to one living boy and one who had died in what was supposed to be the safety of her womb.
"Are you sure?" Adam asked, his heart in his throat.
"Yes" she nodded.
"I will text Annie" he sent the text.
"I gotta go" Annie told Derek, "It's so damn bittersweet" she said as she got dressed, "we should be happy, but I feel this overwhelming sadness" she was trying so hard not to cry.
"Babe, I'm so sorry" he hugged her, "please give them my love and call once he's born" he kissed her cheek, "I got Drew under control"
Kim wanted to slow it down, she didn't want the baby to arrive. She knew once her living son was born they would deliver her son who had died. At least now she felt connected to him, it was as if he was alive but in a few hours that would no longer be the case.
She would have to say goodbye to the little boy she never got to meet, never would she hear his cries, or see his little chest rise and fall with each breath. Her heart ached, she feared for the surviving twin, what it would be like for him knowing he had an identical twin who died. She wondered if he would miss him, that he would know something was wrong, if he would hate her for not keeping his brother alive. The last thing she wanted to do was look her older children in the eye and tell them that their baby brother died before he was born, she doubted they would understand it.
Adam grabbed her hand, he had been quiet since they arrived at the hospital, she worried if he harbored any resentment towards her for not keeping both their babies safe.
"I can't do this Adam, I can't" she cried, "I need both our boys"
Adam nodded, "I know baby, it's hard but our sweet boy is coming"
"We should be having two, Adam, I wanted them both"
"I did too, and we do have two." He said softly, "he's our son too, we love him and we won't ever forget him. I promise you"
Dr Weatherspoon joined them in the room, "you ready?"
"No" Kim said softly "but I won't ever be"
SIX HOURS LATER
Their son was rushed to the NICU, his soft cries had briefly filled the room before he was whisked away. He had a large team of doctors assigned to him, half the room clearing out when they took him.
This was what they both dreaded, delivering baby B. Dr.Weatherspoon personally cleaned the baby up and he stamped both his hands and feet on a certificate, he took his little hand and left each finger print. A nurse making a mix for a plaster handprint, the mold multiple times for both sets of grandparents and Kim and Adam. He cut a lock of hair and carefully sealed it in a small bag. He took the soft blue blanket volunteers had made for still born births and swaddled him in it.
Adam watched from a distance, almost afraid to see his son, "I love you Kim" he kissed her cheek fighting tears, "I know you fought for our boys with all you had and I'm so proud of you" he wiped the tears from her eyes, "our son knows that too, and he loves you for it" he wiped his own eyes.
Kim struggled to speak, she could feel her heart fall to pieces as Dr.Weatherspoon approached her bed, "Here he is" he said his voice filled with sorrow, "we will leave you two alone with him, I will go check on your baby" he carefully handed the tiny infant to Adam.
Kim could hear Adam gasp as he held the tiny bundle, the tears falling from his eyes, "He's so small" he remarked, it looked as if he was just sleeping, his skin a dusky color and the stillness of his body broke Adam.
He placed him in Kim's arms, her emotions overwhelming him. Her body raking with each sob, a guttural sound escaping her lips one that made Adam want to hurt someone he was furious.
Kim stroked his cheek, "I'm so sorry Wyatt"
Adam looked at her, unaware she had even picked a name out for either one of them "Wyatt?" he whispered.
A small smile formed, "It means warrior, and he was our little warrior. He fought with all he had" a tear a landing on his cheek, "Wyatt Adam Ruzek"
Adam sat on the edge of the bed, his fingers tracing the shape of little Wyatt's ear, "I love it, and I love him" he kissed his cheek, "I'm your daddy buddy and I wish I could have saved you" he began to sob.
Kim wrapped her arm around Adam's neck their son nestled between them, "I can't let him go, I don't want to forget him" she sobbed.
Adam sat up, "You won't, none of us will"
The nurse knocked on the door.
"Come in" Adam called out wiping his eyes.
"Adam, the photographer is here" she said barely above a whisper.
"Okay, thank you" Adam grabbed a tissue and wiped his face, "Listen, if you don't want to I understand, but Erin found this group" the tears making it hard for him to speak, "they take pictures of babies, that you know--" he fell apart again.
"I know Adam, and yes. I want them" she choked out "Wyatt deserves to be remembered, he's our child and I won't hide his existence"
Adam stood, "Okay, I will go get her"
The nurse had updated Amy, she returned to the rather large crowd that had formed, "He's here" she dabbed at her eyes, "He seems to be okay, he's in the NICU right now and Adam and Kim are spending time with our angel baby"
The mood was somber, it was hard to celebrate a birth when they knew they'd lost a precious baby.
Al stood, "Listen, let's go grab something to eat and come back in a little while" he told the group of his former colleagues, "just let Adam and Kim know how much we love them and that we will come back"
Bob shook his hand, "Thanks, Al. Thank you all for coming, it means the world to all of us. We just need some time to deal with this"
Al shook his hand and led the group out, Erin and Jay lingering a bit longer.
"Annie, tell Kim I will be back and that I love her" tears falling she was leaning on Jay, trying to draw strength from him.
"Of course"
"He looks good?" Dr.Weatherspoon as the pediatrician, "how are his lungs and heart?"
The doctor adjusted some of the leads on the baby as he lay in the incubator, "His heart seems good, his lungs are a little weak but we given him medicine to help" he stroked his foot, " he's a handsome guy, 'Spoon don't worry I'm gonna save this one" he used his friend's nickname and patted his shoulder, "he's small but he's a fighter"
The photographer put her equipment away, these sessions always broke her heart but she knew how much the families appreciated what she did. She looked over at Kim, Wyatt still in her arms, "He's beautiful" she softly.
Kim appreciated that she used the present tense, "Thank you, so much for doing this. It means the world to us to have pictures of him" she had heard about them from someone from the foundation Dr.Weatherspoon had told her about but she was afraid to even consider them. That if she did, she would jinx it.
Adam sat off in the corner, he felt like he was drowning in a violent ocean one that just as he felt he was surfacing something else ripped him under again. It had been an hour since the birth and he couldn't bring himself to see his surviving son.
"Adam, go get them" Kim said softly, she knew she needed to let their families see Wyatt, that they needed to say good bye as well.
"You sure?"
She nodded without saying a word, Adam kissed her cheek and Wyatt's head on his way out.
The waiting room was filled with family, Kim's parents and brother along with Helen and Adam's parents and Annie.
Amy ran to Adam, "Honey, I'm so sorry" she held him, "I wish I could take your pain away" she whispered to him, "that baby knows how much he was loved and wanted Adam, he knows"
Adam pulled back from her embrace, "thanks, Kim wants you guys to come see him, they have to take him soon" he choked out.
Kim's mother the first one in, "Oh, Kimmy" she hugged her, "I love you"
"I love you too, meet your grandson Wyatt Adam" she turned him so they could see his face, "isn't he beautiful?" She asked through tears.
"Yes, he is" her dad responded, "Just like his mommy" he wanted nothing more than to switch places with that baby, to be the one who was dead. He'd gladly do it if it meant his grandson would get to live a long life.
They all took a turn holding Wyatt, after an hour or two Bob had the room cleared out, "Let's give them some time, we will go check on the other guy" he said as he followed everyone out of the room.
Kim carefully sat up in the bed, Adam at her side, "Can I hold him?" He asked holding his arms out for the tiny baby.
"Of course" Kim placed him in Adam's arms and studied him, she wanted to make sure his face was forever ingrained in her mind's eye. Her fingers running up and down his tiny arm, she placed his palm in hers the size difference remarkable. "His hair is so soft, he looks like you"
"You think so?" Adam asked his head cocked to the side, "My god, this hurts"
Dr.Weatherspoon watched from the window, poking his head in the door, "Kim, Adam it's time to take him" he said softly staring at his feet in hopes of not crying. He was taught to distance himself from his cases to not get emotionally invested but it was the cases like this that made it impossible. His wife often telling him it was what made him such a good doctor, that he cared about his patients was a good thing.
Adam handed Wyatt back to Kim and went to the doorway, "I'd like to take him, is that okay?" He felt he owed it to his son, that he wasn't able to protect him when he was alive and in death he would do all he could for him.
"Of course"
Adam excused himself and found Kim's parents, "Will you sit with Kim, I need to take Wyatt to the morgue" the words sounding foreign as he said them, his eyes filled with tears.
"Yes"
Kim was saying her goodbyes, "Wyatt Adam, I will never forget you, your brothers and sister will know all about you, they will know how hard you fought to live. I love you so much and I'm sorry it wasn't enough. That I wasn't enough"
Adam couldn't take it anymore, "Kim, please" he begged her, "this isn't your fault"
"I know, I do. It doesn't hurt any less though, I would give my life for his" she said through tears.
Her parents finally joining them in the room.
She knew it was time, "Let me have him Kim" Adam said softly, "I need to take him, we have to let him go baby" he didn't even bother fighting the tears that fell.
"No, Adam no. Please don't take my baby, please don't" she cried, clutching Wyatt closer to her chest, "I don't want him to go, please don't make me" alarms ringing as her heart rate soared "He needs me"
Daniel rushed to her, "Sweetheart, Wyatt will always be in your heart, you need to let Adam take him. You know Adam will take care of him, give him to Adam" he pleaded with his daughter.
She kissed his head one more time, her lips lingering on his forehead, she whispered in his ear, "I will love you always" she carefully handed him to Adam, "make sure they take care of him, don't leave him alone. Please don't leave him alone"
Adam felt his legs shake underneath him as he took Wyatt from her arms, "I'm so sorry" he mumbled as he cradled his son's tiny body, he turned and left the room. He had to push the sound of Kim's voice from his mind, he ignored the screams she released he knew if he didn't he would crumble and his son needed him to be strong.
He followed the nurse, each step was harder than the last, they stopped in front of the morgue, "Adam, I can take him from here" she said softly reaching for Wyatt.
"Uh, okay. Can I just have a few minutes?"
She nodded and moved towards an office.
"Oh, Wyatt. I'm not good at this, telling you goodbye when I never got to say hello to you. I would have moved heaven and earth for you, done anything to keep you alive. I promise to take good care of your mom, and your brother. He's going to know he had an amazing twin" he gently placed a kiss on his cheek, "I love you son"
The nurse returning to take him.
Adam nearly collapsed as she took the body from his arms, "Please let them know he was loved, that he was wanted" he told her, "he won't be alone, right?" He asked softly.
The nurse could feel her eyes well up, "I will stay with him, Adam. He won't be alone"
"Thank you" he jammed his hands in his pockets and waited until he could no longer see her, he sat on the floor and cried.
Amy finally made it down the corridor spotting him on the floor, she went and sat down beside him, "Oh, Adam. Come here" she opened her arms for him and held him as he sobbed, "I'm here for you, you will get through this. We all will" she fought her own emotions knowing her stepson needed her to be strong for him.
---Note--
Just gonna be honest, I can't edit this. It's heartbreaking to write I can't bring myself to re-read it.
Writing is very therapeutic for me, a lot has been going on in my life and this has been a welcome escape so to speak.
Again, please excuse any errors!
One more chapter left to this story and then it's done.
I will wrap up 'Second Chances' and then I'm done with all of this.
I appreciate all of the kind words, it's been fun but I've run the gamut on ideas and need to give it a break.