"Sometimes the person you really need is the one you didn't think you wanted."
Alex blinked as if reviving himself out of the trance-like state that he's in. He's been standing in front of this rusty, white gate for almost an hour already under the scorching heat of the Wednesday sun. He needed something to warm him up. All this apprehension of being here today is giving him the chills. The more he stared at the gate, the more he scratched the tips of his fingers as he tried to steady his breathing.
"Arrghh!" he scowled, running a hand through his hair in frustration. Convincing himself that this was such a bad idea, he turned around and headed back to his car. As he opened the car door, he paused and glanced back at the rusty gate. Squeezed his eyes shut and gritted his teeth. "Damn it! What the hell am I doing?!"
What does he really want? He had no idea because he himself wasn't sure the moment he got here. It took him a few minutes to contemplate on whether he was going to do this or not. And why is he here anyway? He had no clue. All he could remember was getting into his car and driving himself all the way from Antipolo to Guadalupe despite waking up with a bad hangover this morning. He's been pacing back and forth from his car to the gate, something he's been doing for the nth time already since he got here. Like an animal in captivity, he was restless.
True to his word that he'll be shutting himself out of the real world after that Sunday night, Alex has been finding comfort in the company of his cousins these past few days. Seeing the rest of the Lizares' on his dad's birthday made him feel safe. Some were even home from the States, for his dad's 65th birthday. And seeing all his nephews and nieces running over to give him a hug just made him feel the ache, especially when one of his nieces, Harlow, got so attached to him that she never left his side. The what if's kept on flashing constantly in his thoughts. What if... yeah, what if? And then the mixture of anxiety and panic would suddenly freak him out. As the days passed, he kept himself busy as he was drowning himself every single day with a bottle of Jack Daniels and it did him some good for a while. It gave him a temporary black out, but each morning he wakes up sober, he could still remember... Drei and his unborn child.
"Don't go repeating what we did... don't fuck up your kid... or else he'll end up just like you..."
Dan's words were on a repeat in his head and the questions begin to throw themselves at him over and over again. Does he want to create another monster like him? Does he want this child to come out into this world bearing nothing but hate for him? He didn't. He was so sure of it. He couldn't handle the guilt of being blamed for destroying this innocent little person's life.
Alex didn't want to go on living with 'what if's' and even if being in this kid's life wouldn't be easy, at least he tried. He didn't want to regret what he didn't do. Although he was never the type who regret the things that happened in his life, this one in particular was an exception to his rule. This little person was an exception to his rule, just like its mother. Yes, his tough girl baby mama who made it clear to him that Sunday night that she didn't need him.
We don't need you, Alex!
He cringed at the thought and setting those thoughts aside, he found himself stomping back in front of the rusty, white gate. He stood and stared at it again, convincing himself that he was doing this for his child and not for her. Why was he here again? Right, he thought. The baby not the mother. This isn't about Drei.
"Come on, Alexander," he sighed. "Get this over and done with... focus! Baby not the baby mama! Right? Right!"
Just when he was about to press the buzzer, he caught the sound of voices behind the gate. He stepped back as soon as he heard someone opening it. Alex swallowed hard. This was going to happen. Then he suddenly remembered the look on Drei's face that night while they were inside the entertainment room, the hurt in her eyes when he questioned her on how sure she was that it was his. He hurt her and she's probably loathing him more than he could imagine. Alex was a hundred percent sure that Drei won't even give him a minute no doubt but here he stood taking the plunge even if the chances were slim. Even if she'll send him away, he didn't care he had a week preparing for this and he was determined not to let her stop him.
Alex found himself staring at the sight of Drei as the gate opened. And his heart pounded crazy. There she was... His baby mama who was getting more and more amazing each time he sees her. She was wearing a white tank top and a green skirt. His hands were suddenly sweaty, leaving him with no choice but to put them inside the pockets of his black cargo shorts. The bump that outlined her white tank top was now a little bigger than the last time he saw. She looked up from where she stood. "What are you doing here?"
"I-I... can we talk?" he said softly.
Drei said nothing as she stared back at him as if assessing his unknown motive in such a devious and personal question. "Ummm... why? What do you want, Alex?"
"I-I n-need to..." he stammered and for the first time, he was at lost for words. "I need to talk to you, Drei..." he repeated.
"This is a surprise!" Jeannie said as she came out behind her and scanning Alex from head to toe. She grimaced. "You look...wasted, Alex! Are you drunk or something?"
"I'm not!" he said defensively and then he glanced back at Drei. "Can we talk? Please?"
He looked horrible alright, Drei thought as she took in the sight of him before her – grey v-neck graphic shirt, black shorts and a pair of slippers. His hair messy, and yeah just the way she always liked it; plus the five-o-clock shadow, which just made him look ruggedly handsome like he just sprang out of bed. But there was a look in his eyes that made her want to submit to his request... His eyes were soft and somber, and it was something she's never seen before in Alex.
Jeannie watched, her eyes swinging back and forth, as the two stared at each other like they were in shock. With all this resentment Drei has for Alex for the past months, Jeannie couldn't tell if it was part of her pregnancy or she wasn't over him yet. But as she watched them both standing here in front of her, she could tell that Drei was still in love with him but yes, she has to credit her best friend for at least trying to move on. It's hard to move on when you're carrying the child of the man you're in love with and the thought of Alex showing up unexpectedly before them just intrigued her even more. What has gotten into him to show up like this? A change of heart? Maybe. But whatever it was, he came at the perfect time.
"You know what..." Jeannie suddenly cut in, making her way right in between them and her eyes landed on Alex first. "Why don't you come with her?" she suggested pointing over at Drei. And then her attention was back at her best friend. "And you, why don't you let him take you?"
The two looked at her baffled and she just gave them both a wide, mischievous grin. Then she reached over to Drei and gave her a peck on the cheek. "So, mauna na ako ha! You guys take care and drive safe!" And without hearing what they had to say, she dashed to her silver Hyundai Tucson and drove off.
"Unbelievable!" Drei sighed, shaking her head in disbelief as she watched her best friend driving away. Now she had no choice.
"So...ummm..." Alex tried his best to hide a smile. Then he looked at her feigning innocence. "Where do I take you?"
"Medical City!" She bit her lip. And for the first time in months, she saw an affectionate smile in Alex's face. It was the same smile he gave her when she accepted his apology when he showed up at St. Luke's with a balloon saying he was sorry. Her brows furrowed as she narrowed her eyes on him. "But this doesn't mean I agreed to talk to you! Let's go! I don't want to be late!"
He didn't say anything else; he just nodded and opened the door of passenger seat for her.
Thank you, Jeannie, he thought as he ushered Drei right inside the car.
If stealing glances was a crime, Drei would already be convicted because she's been doing that for the past hour since they got into Alex's car. And now as they stood at the reception area of the Women's Health Care Center of The Medical City, she did it again. One quick glance as he placed himself beside her. Done.
"I think you should sit down," he said as he met her gaze. "Ako na lang pipila dito..."
"Are you sure?" she asked.
He smiled. "Oo naman, I'll just bring the forms over there for you..."
There were three more people ahead of them in line, Drei just nodded and made her way to the empty seat a few steps from her. And as she sat there at the waiting area, she watched him with all these questions inside popping themselves out like there's no tomorrow. It made her feel awkward and surreal at the same time being with Alex right now. After that Sunday night, she was already sure that he was running for the hills and would disappear completely, until he unexpectedly showed up today. What was that all about? She had no idea.
And thanks to Jeannie for suddenly bailing out on her on the last minute, Alex did the honor of being with her today. She had all the reasons to decline it but she didn't. She'd let him. She'd let him take her to her appointment. At some point, his gesture made her knees weak and one thing was clear, Alex still had that effect on her. And her system never really got rid of it all this time. The fact that he's beside her now made her want to slap herself so that she could wake herself up from this dream. But she wasn't dreaming. He is here.
The mole on his right eye? Check. Those beautiful expressive eyes? Check. The messy James Dean hair? Check. The five-o-clock shadow was just an added bonus. Check.
She felt uneasy and it made her feel scared being around him. But why? Deep down Drei knew that she was still in love with him... In love with this cold-hearted, Greek god, iron man who also happens to be the father of her unborn child. She loves him as much as she hates him. The weird combination made her flinch. It was possible though, to hate someone you love and to love someone you hate, and now she's proven that already as they sat there next to each other inside his car.
So there he is, her eyes fixated onhim as he stood there in line for her. Stop it, she scolded herself. Stop staring at him, stupid! Then surprisingly Alex turned to her direction and their gaze met, which happened for the nth today, mind you. It was the pattern they've been following today – she stares at him, he catches her and he stares at her, she catches him. Both would then look away and pretend that it didn't happen.
Moments later, Alex sat beside Drei jotting down the information on the forms as she answered them out loud for him. She didn't make him do it, he insisted. After that he handed it over and the receptionist in turn gave him their service number. It wasn't long before their number was up. Drei was instructed by the receptionist to proceed into another waiting area as they were about to finish the patient who was ahead of her. They both stood up and headed into another hallway where a cream colored sofa was placed in front of a closed door. Again, neither one of them said a word then Drei's phone rang.
She smiled as she saw the photo of her mom flashing on her phone. "Hey, Ma!"
Alex sat there for a moment as he listened to Drei having a conversation with her mother, who's currently in San Francisco with his her sister and her family. Almost an hour ago he stood outside the gates of Drei's house after having convinced himself that he was going to do what he needed to do – to talk things out with her. But instead of talking, he ended up on the grounds of The Medical City accompanying Drei to her OB. A perplexing silence hung in the air between them throughout the drive to the hospital until he started the conversation and which she answered with a series of one-liners – yes, no, uh-huh, okay, sometimes, fine, great, little, etc. – and he accepted them politely. It was a good start, at least they were talking and they're trying to relax a little already.
As they arrived at The Medical City, they headed to the 10th floor of Tower 1 where the clinic of her OB-GYNE, Dr. Datu was. Drei went inside as soon as they got there. So this is how it goes, he thought to himself as he waited outside sitting alongside with the other couples who were also there for an appointment. Then after a few minutes Drei came out and they headed to the 6th floor of Tower 2, where the Women's Health Care Center was.
Alex never had the slightest idea what was in store for him today, until now as he was sitting in front of a door with the sign that said: 4D Ultrasound Room. It was funny because he never asked her what they were going to do here, he just followed her around. This was getting as real as it could get. Drei was scheduled for an ultrasound today, which means they will be able to know the baby's sex and now, he felt weird.
"Ummm... okay... I'm still waiting for my turn, kalma lang okay? I'll call you as soon as this is done," She said. "I promise... okay, Ma... yes, bye!"
As the call ended, the door of the 4D Ultrasound Room opened. The patient who was ahead of them made their way out and the nursing assistant told Drei that she was next. A few minutes later, she was already called inside. Drei got up and followed suit.
"Drei...." He called out and she turned to look at him. "Could I come in with you?"
She went still, not taking her eyes off of him. He stood up now, towering before her and waiting for her reply. Her heart beat began to race as Drei saw the flicker of eagerness and curiosity in Alex's eyes that told her he wanted to. She swallowed hard as the mixture of shock, disbelief and surprise were giving her the goose bumps.
"Drei?"
She blinked, tilting her said to one side and narrowing her eyes on him. "Ano sinabi mo?"
"Pwede ba akong sumama sa loob?" he repeated.
Indeed, she wasn't hearing things. She heard him right. He wanted to come in. "Ikaw? Kung gusto mo..."
His eyes lit up and he smiled that crooked grin. "Is that a yes?"
She nodded, fighting back a smile. "Sure, why not?"
Drei was rewarded by another quick smile and this made her blush a little and looked away.
"Thanks," he said as he followed her inside the room.
For the last time she needed to convince herself that this was really happening. This is real, she thought to herself as they went inside the room.
But then something in her said that this was just getting started and she should be bracing herself for more.
"Hi guys, good afternoon!" a cheerful lady in her early forties greeted the two as soon as they stepped inside the room. "I'm Dr. Gabrielle Tulabot, by the way and I will be doing your 4D ultrasound today... so are you guys ready, Mr. and Mrs. Buenaventura?"
Drei smiled. "Oh... um... we're..." then she looked at Alex who was standing beside her.
"We're..." Alex came up with. "Ummm..."
"Not... umm... you know..." Drei felt awkward. "We're not together..." then she grinned.
"Oh..." Dr. Tulabot nodded. "Okay! So let's start?"
The 4D Ultrasound room was like a typical patient room sans the machine that was inside. There were two paintings on the wall, a small toilet, three chairs and there was a cream colored curtain that hung on the window. Beside the 4D machine there was a small examination bed and a small bedside table where the gloves and the other things were placed. Dr. Tulabot gestured Drei to lie down on the bed and of course, she did what she was told. Alex watched as he stood four meters away from them, arms crossed over his chest. Drei lifted her white tank top revealing the bump that hid underneath it. Who would've known that underneath that bump was a tiny human being manufactured? His mouth quirked up on one side in amusement.
[Please play the music on the side]
"So are you guys ready?" Dr. Tulabot asked cheerfully, looking at Drei.
"Yeap!" Drei answered.
Then Dr. Tulabot turned her attention to Alex. "How about you, Daddy? Are you ready to see your little one?"
And it seemed he suddenly became claustrophobic as the question dropped on him. Is he ready? He wasn't but he was willing to take it. No words came out of his mouth; he simply just gave a nod.
"Why don't you come a little bit closer so you can see it clearly..." Dr. Tulabot said as she pointed at the small space on Drei's left. He inched closer and Dr. Tulabot smiled. "That's better! Let's get this show started!"
Dr. Tulabot wore her gloves and then she squirted the transparent ultrasound gel unto Drei's tummy. Then the nurse assistant switched the Ultrasound Machine on and the screen came to life. After that, Dr. Tulabot placed the ultrasound scanner on top of Drei's gel covered tummy.
"What we're going to do today is the 4D Ultrasound and also the Congenital Anomaly Scan..." the doctor said. "Do you guys have any idea about your baby's sex?" The two just shook their heads. "Gusto niyo pala ng suspense ha! How about hints? May hint ba kayo?"
"Kahit ano lang doc, importante healthy!" Drei beamed.
The doctor typed some more on her keyboard and occasionally glancing back at the screen. And out came a black and white image. Then Alex heard a strange sound, a pounding beat like a small drum.
Tugudug tugudug tugudug tugudug
He stared at the screen, trying to make out the images that were flashing through it. It wasn't clear yet because it was still in black and white. And at that same moment his heart was beating in the same rhythm as the one he's just heard.
Tugudug tugudug tugudug tugudug
"That's the heartbeat, Daddy..." Dr. Tulabot pointed out. And then Alex saw a flicker on the screen. "And that's your baby's heart... pretty healthy heart if you ask me..."
Then the doctor typed some more and out came the yellowish 4D image. "Okay eto na siya... Here's your baby..."
Alex froze from where he was standing. He didn't blink as he stared at the image before him. Then the doctor maneuvered the scanner a little more, looking for a much nicer angle.
"Seems like your baby is very well behaved today..."
At first he just saw the outline of its face. It seemed that it was hiding from them. Then the doctor moved the scanner to one side of Drei's tummy where she found a better angle. There he saw its tiny little fingers and he counted them. Ten tiny little fingers. Then he saw its little toes. Ten little toes. Its tiny hands and feet then came into view. It was already a tiny human being. He found himself smiling at the screen his left hand found Drei's. Feeling his grasp, she glanced at him. Their gaze met and Alex gave her a smile as he held her hand tighter. She saw it in eyes... warmth. The iron man indeed has a heart.
"And it's a girl, by the way..." Dr. Tulabot said. "Congratulations, you have a little girl!"
Dr. Tulabot transferred the ultrasound scanner to another side to give them a better view of this little angel's face. And finally, there it was. For the first time, Alex had a glimpse of what his child looked like. He was in awe as the image became much clearer in front of him and at that moment, there was no denying that strong pull of connection that they had. It was there and he felt it – the paternal connection and the affection that emerged inside him. There she was.
His baby girl. Their baby girl.
Her eyes were closed and her mouth curved into a slight smile like it was happy to see him. Her cheeks were plump. He could see how tall her nose is. And the fact that he could see the resemblance with the nose and the lips, made his stomach twinge. It was odd, scary and amazing. She was beautiful.
"You guys have a pretty one here, tangos ng ilong," Dr. Tulabot said. Then her attention went back to the parents, swiftly looking at Alex and Drei. "Have you thought of a name?"
"Zooey." He blurted out smiling. Then he glanced down at Drei, still holding her hand, he rubbed her knuckles as she gazed back at him. "Is Zooey okay? I like Zooey."
Drei felt herself blush. She felt like her heart could burst on the thought that Alex already had a name for their baby. Hindi siya prepared ha, she thought to herself as she looked at him.
"It sounds beautiful..." she said as she held his gaze. "Zooey..." she repeated and then she felt her little girl kick in recognition. "I think she likes it..."
"You think so?" he asked in amazement. She nodded. "Sure ka?"
"Well she gave me a kick, so it means you got her attention..." said Drei, matter-of-factly.
Then Alex slid another glance over the screen. And as he stared at the amazing sight in front of him, still mesmerized, a love-struck smile came across his face. From that point onwards his view of the world suddenly looked different. Different seemed nice. Although it would take him a while to adjust, he was already starting to like different even if he never thought he would.
None of them said a word to each other as they walked towards Alex's car at the parking lot. But Alex never got rid of the smile that was painted across his face. There was this sense of pride and enthusiasm that ran through him that moment they left the Woman Health Care Center and he loved it. It was different and he never expected that it could feel this good.
Alex was glad that Drei passed the Congenital Anomaly Scan and that everything was normal. No deformities, no cleft palate, no signs of Down syndrome and Spina Bifida. Dr. Tulabot also showed the scans on the baby's heart, brain, lungs, bladder, etc. Their little girl was as healthy as she could be at almost 28 weeks already. After the scan, Dr. Tulabot was kind enough to print them a copy of their little girl's first picture, handing them each a copy. After he paid the bills, the receptionist advised them to get the formal result and the record of the scan after two days.
"Drei," he started. They were already in front of his car and Drei turned to face him, waiting for him to talk. He inched closer to her, and then grabs a hold of her hands. "I just wanted to say that I'm sorry... sa lahat ng sinabi ko sa'yo that Sunday night kela Yo..."
Drei just stared at him, immobilized from where she stood. He was apologizing and here she is suddenly on a mute. Despite the fact that this was real and that today was actually one of the most unforgettable days of her life, she wasn't giving in to the whimsical kismet. A reality check, a reality check was the only thing she needs. What if this was just a dream and she needed to snap out of it? What if this was all just for a show? What if he was just trying to stir things? Now she felt more hesitant than ever.
"Alex, what are you doing?" she asked nonchalantly. "What is all this? Ano ang ginagawa mo?"
A startled look came across Alex's face. "I said I'm sorry..." he repeated. "And I want you to give me a chance... give me a chance, Drei... I want to be –"
"A chance?" she stopped him.
Her mind was taking over now, because her heart got so caught up a while ago that Alex almost won her over. The logical part of her brain was suddenly kicking some sense into her. Last week, he made it clear that fatherhood wasn't for him and that he couldn't handle being responsible for another human being. But now here he was trying his best to convince her otherwise. This morning he appeared right outside her door; tagged along to her appointment; stood by her side during the ultrasound; gave their daughter a name; paid the bills and now this... The Alex who was standing right in front of her was extremely contradicting with the Alex she knew. That Alex she knew rejected her last week and the Alex she's looking at now is apologizing and asking her for a chance. Something wasn't right and it puzzled her.
"For?"
Confusion was written all over Drei's face as he laid his eyes on her. "I want you to give me a chance... A chance to be a part of Zooey's life, Drei..."
"I understand, Alex..." her voice suddenly quivering. Drei found it so hard to take it all in, it was like he came back to mess things up again. "You said you didn't want to –"
"Shhhh...." He interrupted, placing his index finger on her lips to shut her up. Then he cupped her face as he stared deeply into her eyes. "Listen to me... I'm sorry for the things I said... and I'm sorry for running out on you... and I know you probably hate me like hell, Drei... But please paniwalaan mo naman ako..."
What does he really want? And why was he doing this? Why now? She suddenly felt more confused as she ever was a while ago. She felt torn. Torn between pursuing that plan of hers of moving forward and giving this man, who once hurt her, another shot at redemption. Choose your poison, Drei, a voice in her head whispered. Can you take it?
"I was so confused that I needed to breakaway for a while para makapag-isip ako... I want to do this, nobody asked me to... that is why nandito ako ngayon for you, for Zooey... because I want to do this..." he added.
But in spite of the doubts she had for Alex and no matter how it frightened the living hell out of her, she felt the sincerity of his words. She could see it in his eyes.
"I don't have a freakin' idea on how to raise a kid but I'm taking a shot at this, Drei... I want to try to be a father to my little girl and you're going to help me... please help me..."
And then she gave into the tears. He really wanted this. It is something that she has hoped for ever since that night when she was about to tell him and it was finally happening. He was in. The fact that he was doing this not for her, but for their little girl was enough for Drei to believe him. It was enough. This was for Zooey.
"Hey...." Alex said softly, wiping the tears from her eyes with his thumb. "Huwag ka naman umiyak, baka mabugbog ako dito for making a pregnant woman cry..."
"Ikaw kasi... inaway away mo ako..." She pouted and then she looked at him with beseeching eyes. A small smile appeared on Alex's face. It was the first time he saw her cry and she just looked so adorable. Seeing that smile on his face, she began to smack his chest. He stepped back as he chuckled.
"I hate you... after saying all those horrible things to me ganoon lang ba kadali yun, ha?" she added. "I still hate you... and I haven't accepted your apology yet!"
"Sorry na... please huwag ka na magalit sa akin..." he begged, closing in the gap between them. He cupped her face again and she felt her knees go weak. Damn him! "Sige ka papanget si Zooey niyan... kaya sorry na please?"
"Hmp! Dinamay mo pa si Zooey!" she said.
Then he pinched her nose. "Ang cute mo talaga, buntis!"
"Tseee!" she retorted. "You owe me ice cream!"
"Ice cream lang?" he asked. "Psssssh... sisiw!"
"Actually, we're kind of hungry..." she grimaced. "Tara na?"
Alex ushered her inside the car and then he hopped in as well. Before he started the car, he buckled the seatbelt over at Drei. Then he stroked her tummy and leaned in closer.
"Hang in there, Zooey... bibili na tayo ng food..."
And at the sight of Alex, her heartbeat began to race and sending shivers down her spine. Sensing Drei's gaze, Alex turned to her and smiled. A reassuring smile. This was too good to be true all right but she felt it. The eagerness, the sincerity, and the affection... it was all there.
But then she has to remind herself again that he was doing this for this little girl inside her. This was all for Zooey and for now, she has to set aside all these bottled up emotions she has for him while she still could. However there was one inevitable question that hung in the air... will there ever be hope for the two of them? The answer was there already but she was just afraid to say it out loud.
===============
[Music: You Belong To Me by The Boxer Rebellion]
Super extra special thanks to:
1. Tita Nenen
2. Ate Chi
3. My cousin Ate Marie
4. Emi, Shei and Eli
5. At sa Team Demanding at sa Team Kulit
Playing For Keeps © 2013 C.Ellaine. All Rights Reserved
All rights reserved. The author retains all copyrights in any text, graphic images and photos in this book. No part of this publication may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by ant means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the author.