It's been just over a month since I've started living in this household. It's one of the greatest things that have ever happened to me. Yet some days I feel so sad and I can't stop it. Today is one of those days. Last night, the nightmares came back. I used to have them often. They stopped when I got here though. I was so happy. Negative thoughts, terrifying men, and large fires no longer plagued my dreams.
I knew it was too good to be true. Traumatic nightmares like those didn't just disappear like that.
I've been awake since early this morning. The moon was high in the sky and the stars shone bright. Apparently I was screaming in my sleep because someone from down the hall rushed into my room and woke me up, cautiously asking if I was okay and I nodded.
I wasn't.
I couldn't fall back asleep after that. Every time I closed my eyes, what happened when I left home replayed crystal clear. I've been curled up in a tight ball, rocking back and forth for awhile. Before I knew it, the wake up bell rang. It sounded far away and I didn't make any move to get up.
It must've been at least an hour before I heard someone knock on the door. I stares straight ahead as they let themselves in. A dip in the bed. A small hand on my shoulder.
The prince.
For one in my life, I didn't want him here. I wanted to be alone and cry in silence. Yet, I couldn't tell him to leave. He placed his hands under me and pushed me into a sitting position. I glanced at him.
Guilt hit me like a brick wall. On his face was concern and worry. I didn't want him to worry or be concerned. I was such a burden. He should leave. Why am I so bad?
"Lachlan," His voice was so gentle. "What's wrong?"
"Nothing."
I was being difficult again.
"Lachlan."
I shook my head.
"Tell me now."
I shook it again.
"Lachlan I have been nothing but kind to you! Please- just. Stop being stubborn and tell me what is bothering you. I want to help you!" He snapped. I flinched. His features softened. "I'm sorry," He whispered after.
"You'll stop talking to me. I was weak. I left her there. I left them all there. I don't deserve a life."
His hand was on my back, rubbing circles.
"What do you mean by that, Lachlan?"
"I... I was seven. We were all having a nice day. My brother and I-" My voice cracked. I took a deep breath. "We were playing outside while Ma made dinner. And a man, he came to us. He asked, 'Where's your mother, children?'. I'll never forget that voice."
Vikk pulled me close to him, nodding for me to continue. I didn't want to continue.
"My brother pointed to the house. He didn't knock, Vikk. He just walked in like he lived there!" Tears made their way down my face as I remembered the events of that day. "I got up and followed him inside. He was yelling at Ma, saying things like 'You know what he did!' and 'He owed us and he didn't pay up! Now he's dead!'. I... I was so confused."
Vikk was so comforting. I was grateful.
"He hit her," I whispered. "She fell down and her hands were holding her cheek. I ran towards her. God how I wish I didn't. If I didn't maybe something would have changed. Maybe she would still be here," I wailed loudly. Sadness, regret, and guilt have been eating my since then. I cried so hard I shook, my breath coming out in hard heaves. The prince held me. He rocked me.
"He sent me flying across the room. I just wanted my Ma. He shouted so angry, 'Stay put or I'll kill both of you!'. She crawled over to me immediately, despite his warning... The man," I had to take a break for a moment. "The man grabbed her by her neck. Suddenly there were other men there. One was holding my brother in a tight grip. He was beaten up. Other men held lit torches," I shivered. I didn't want to remember anything. I wanted it out of my head.
"She kept telling me to get out and that she'd take care of it. Her words are always echoing through my head. Her last ones, Vikk. 'Run. If someone is chasing you, run.' The man had his hands wrapped so tightly around her neck. She... She choked. I got to my feet. The men with the torches dropped them and the house was burning. They chased me. My mother and brother burned. I ran, Vikk. Aren't I awful?"
He shook his head.
"Lachlan, you were seven. It's okay. You did what you needed to do. I'm so sorry you had to go through that. Now you're here and I'm so grateful for you."
He held me until long after my eyes closed and sleep came. I was grateful for him too.
___________
this chapter was so hard to write ahh
i wanted it to be good but im still unhappy with it
oh well :///