Chapter Twenty Eight
I wasn't going to update tonight but reading your comments on the last chapter I just asdfghjkl you guys are too sweet and I couldn't help but finish the chapter and put it up.
I just want you to know I read appreciate every single comment you guys send to me. It really helps with motivation. Stay beautiful bitchezzz xoxoxo
This chapter is dedicated to bashful_binds for giving me a little nudge in the right direction. Your comment made all the difference, thank you so much. xxx
I get both songs done. I get them written and composed, then recorded within the week.
I was doing well that night in Huntington. I got so many lyrics down in that time. I would’ve kept going had Jennel not called me, frantically wanting to know where I’d disappeared too. Going back to the concert was an awkward task, especially when all the attention was on me and where I’d vanished too. I mumbled some unintelligible things and Drew has a good sense of noticing things so he changed the subject. I thanked him silently. It was a tense night for me. I had so many lyrics wanting to burst free and onto paper. My hand was itching. It was as if I’d released a gauge of forbidden things that had a taste of freedom and now were fighting for the whole thing. Carly stayed by Wes the whole night and that really pissed me off but I didn’t let it show. I mean, I thought he said they weren’t a thing? I bit my tongue and let Jennel catch up with the boys though. In my head, I figured out how I wanted my songs to sound. In reality, I sat in the corner and pretended as if I was on an important Twitter catch up. Or something unconvincing like that.
Jennel left a few days later. We were both sad but she promised she’d come back and see me. She wished me well on Wes and I’s relationship before she left. She said that everything happens for a reason and I think, in a way, her words spoke some sort of truth.
By having written everything down, I feel freer. Like, it cleared my thoughts and now I’m somehow able to see things clearly. It was as if someone had washed through my head. It was as if I’d given myself a fresh start. All along, I’ve been thinking Wes and I both needed a fresh start when in actual fact, it’s just me who needs a fresh start. I’m holding myself back, I’m holding on to my mistakes so I needed to give myself a fresh start. And through the album, I think I’ve done just that.
This week, composing, recording and writing, I’ve finally figured out everything I need to. I’ve figured out what I want and where I’m going and even though I’m still unsure about a few things, I think it’s time I take back my life. I think it’s time I take control.
- - - - - - -
I’m sitting in a meeting with my team as well as a few other people and I have my debut album sitting in front of me. All around me, people are talking but the only thing I acknowledge is the album in front of me. I’ve come so far and to see it in front of me, brings tears to my eyes. My album drops tomorrow so in celebration, someone pops a bottle of champagne. Eddie offers me a class but I shake my head, drinking is something I don’t want to be a part of who I am. The last time I drank, I screwed up everything and I’m not willing to let myself get there again. Even if it is only one measly glass.
Everyone congratulates me on an album success and a smile finds its way to my face. It’s been a long journey but I’ve finally made it. Someone near me starts to quieten the crowd in our meeting room. It’s Eddie, he wants to make a speech. He clears his throat. “Hello everyone. As you know, I’m Asha’s manager and I just want to take this time to say that I’ve loved working with Asha. She’s been one of the easiest people to work with and I’m so proud of her.” He looks at me. “You’re a beautiful person Asha and I can’t wait to continue our friendship. I don’t think of it as a business arrangement, I think of it as a friendship.”
Tears pool at the corner of my eyes.
“To Asha,” he adds on as he raises his glass.
“To Asha,” everyone mimics back as we all clink glasses.
They then look to me and edge me on for a speech. At first, I refuse but then they start chanting so I have no choice. Grudgingly, I stand up and look at everyone. I take a deep breath and look at Eddie. I thank him for everything and then I thank everyone who has helped me in some way. When I’m done thanking them, I thank them once more so they know I genuinely mean it.
I feel like they want more by the looks they’re giving me so I take another deep breath and pick up my album. “This was a mission in itself to produce but I’m proud of myself as well as my team for meeting the deadline. I’m really happy with how it turned out and I couldn’t have been happier with everything on it.”
I glance down at it and soak in the title of the album I decided on.
‘Born Again’.
“The title of this, it took a long time for me to figure out. I think I really hit the mark with it though. I feel like it represents me well. I’ve been through a few ups and downs in my personal life and as a lot of the public know, I went through a big change in how I portrayed myself a while ago. And I think by releasing this album with this title, it’s saying that I’ve given myself a fresh start. I’ve finally found a balance of my old life and my new life and I think they neatly meet in the middle. I’m not saying I’m perfect now, I’m just saying I’m happy. So yeah, this is album was a big step in my career as well as for me personally so I just want to thank everyone again for helping me. Especially to Simon for giving me this opportunity.”
He tips his head and raises his glass in appreciation. “And I just want to thank you Asha.”
“For what?”
He does that signature smirk. “For reminding me what hard work looks like.”
Everyone, including me, break out in smiles as we all cheer in response. There are congratulations all around again as we celebrate my success. Everybody chats and it’s great, but I really just want some time to myself. So subtly, I murmur for Ally ‘to cover me’ so I can slip out the door. She does it no questions asked and I’m thankful. I manage to get out in one piece with no else seeing. I’m on the top floor of the Syco building, somewhere I’ve only been once. So I let my feet take me wherever. I’m walking slowly down the corridor when I feel a buzzing in my pocket.
I pull out my phone and find it’s a text from Ally saying ‘try the roof, it’s always a nice place to go’.
I smile and make my way to the fire exit. Taking the stairs, I go up until there aren’t any left. And when I push through the door, I’m gobsmacked. The view is amazing. I’ve never seen anything like it. Slowly, I walk to the edge of the roof. It isn’t a big area, but there’s enough space for me to safely sit on the edge of the building. The feel of it is something other. Down below, the bustling streets of Hollywood move on, totally unaware of my presence and the thought of that is somewhat calming. It’s like I can just sit here and do whatever I want and no one will know about it. It’s like a whole different mask to what the darkness provides. It seems as if this one is more positive.
Behind me, I hear the faint clicking of a door so I spin around. I’m surprised to see it’s Drew and just like me, he’s surprised too. “Oh shit … sorry, didn’t know it was occupied.”
“Hey no it’s fine,” I reply.
He walks over and sits cross-legged on the ledge with me. “Ally tell you about this place?”
“Sure did.”
“Me too. Needed to get away?”
I smile. “Something like that.”
“Yeah, me too.”
There’s a small silence before he says something about how great this place is. I agree and I tell him what I thought about only a minute ago. He agrees with me, a smile on his face.
“How’s Wes?” I ask just to break the silence.
He pauses. “He’s good.”
“That’s good.”
There’s another silence. And this one is awkward. Something I never thought would happen being in the presence of Drew Chadwick. From the corner of my eye, I see him open and close his mouth a few times. Internally, I will him to spit it out. Eventually, he does. He clears his throat. “So can I ask you a question?”
“Shoot.”
“Why are you scared?”
I know exactly what he’s talking about. I don’t have to ask to know it’s about Wes and my resistance towards his best friend. And for once, I actually have a proper answer. I’ve been thinking it over the past week and I have a proper conclusion. So I tell him. “I’m scared of trusting people because if they leave, I think … I think I’d be really lost. I feel like maybe if I start accepting people in, in ‘that way’ they’ll just walk out on me. I’m scared that I’d be forgotten, ignored and then replaced. I saw it happen a lot with my mum and dad’s clients and it’s something I don’t want for myself.”
He pauses then answers with, “Are you going to let a stranger’s relationship dictate the rest of your life? Stop you from experiencing life? Wes is a good person Asha, he already told you he wanted something real. He told you he was being real.”
I don’t answer him. I just roll his words around in my head. Testing them out.
Drew takes my silence as a ticket to keep talking. “Even if, and I’m saying if it does end badly for you, it wouldn’t have been for nothing. It would’ve been for something. It would’ve made you feel something, it would’ve taught you something. Sometimes, you can’t just wait in the wings, sometimes you got to go out there and attack life. I mean, what other way is there to really live life.”
“You’re talking about how it might end badly for me. That right there, that’s why I have trust issues. There’s always a catch. Once I’m happy, I’ll constantly be waiting for the other shoe to drop.”
He rolls his eyes. “You’re not getting my point. I’m saying that he’ll make you happy and even if it’s only for one second, you were still happy. Every person you meet has a chance of hurting you. What you gotta figure out, is whose worth suffering for.”
Again, his words play over in my head. He does have a point that makes sense. But I don’t want to admit it because I don’t think I’m ready to just switch to that side just yet. Therefore, I opt for mutual ground. “Is that what you tell yourself?”
“All the time. Living life to the fullest is the only way of living Asha.” He jumps up and dusts himself off. “And on that note, I’ll leave you to have a little think.”
I nod silently and he makes his way back to the door. Before he goes through however, he turns back around. “I think you should talk to him. Tell him how you feel.”
“He said I have to figure out who I am first. I don’t know exactly ‘who I am’ though.”
He scoffs. “No one knows exactly ‘who they are’. If they did, they’d be lying.People are constantly changing, that’s inevitable. It’s more … the choices we make that define us. Not how others perceive us.”
“Has anyone ever told you that you give good advice?”
He winks. “All the time. Bye Asha.”
“Bye Drew.” He’s already through the door before the words leave my mouth.
I sit there a while longer and think Drew’s words through. Everything he says seems to make sense and looking at Drew, he is happy. I know he’s had heartbreak in his life before but he’s still happy. Because I think in a way, experiences like that make you stronger not weaker.
Sure, there will always be ifs in the sense of possible heartbreak. But there are also what ifs and if I don’t take my opportunity now, I may never have it again. And I’ll always be thinking ‘what if’ and the thought of that makes me more scared than anything else.
I quickly stand up and go back into the building. I remember Emblem3’s studio being on the seventh floor so that’s where I go. I’m kind of breathless when I arrive at their door. Not because I’ve been running, but because I’m excited. Or scared. Or both. All I know is that I’m worked up and I just need to get this over and done with. I’ve never been good with words so I know exactly what I’m going to do. I pull out my album from my bag, knock on the door and wait for someone to come.
It’s Wes who does and when he sees me, the smile on his face drops. “Asha,” he says dryly.
“Before you say anything, I’m sorry for everything I put you through. I’m sorry for stringing you along in whatever it is I was doing. I’m sorry for just everything that I’ve done. But you told me to figure out who I am and I realised, that’s almost impossible. What you see is what you get Wes. Yeah I’ve changed but you can’t help that and I can’t help that. I can never be the ‘old me’ again but I can be a new me. Not the one I came back from tour as, but a different one. I’ve finally found a balance of my old life and my new life and I think they neatly meet in the middle It’s something that has taken a while for me to build and you can’t fight the fact I have changed. And that’s something I’m not sorry for, okay?” He’s staring at me indifferently and I feel as if I’m losing him so I stop babbling and get on with what I came here to do. “Anyway, I know there are some other loose ends that I have no idea how to say out loud but I think I have something better.” I take my album and shove it into his hands. “Just have a look at all of it, okay?”
“Okay,” he replies, slightly stunned.
And before he can say anything else, I back away and disappear out of sight. Whether he listens to the album is up to him, whether he takes in what I said is up to him. The ball is in his court now.
And all I can do, is wait.
--
Weowwww, what'd you think of that? What do you think's gonna happen? And what do you think is gonna be on the album? Especially since Asha said to look at all of the album. Oh oh oh shit's getting good. Stay tuned yo. The end is coming!! xoxoxox
Thanks for all your lovely comments in the last chapter. I love you all.
And I'm happy with this chapter. I love writing for Drew. I love writing as someone wise. It's awesome.
Anyway, the album cover is the one the side (I couldn't pick just one so let's say there's more than one version of the album haha) ---> yaya I made them myself and i came up with the name too. Pretty proud of myself. Thoughts on that and the meaning behind it??
Love you all xoxoxox