It was Nate. I should've seen this coming from a mile away. I'd love to know why Nate is targeting us so much. Maybe he truly hates me and feels as though everyone that cares about me the way he should've should be punished. Maybe he feels hatred towards Stella as well, it's hard to tell or even get concentrated on it right now.
As Stella and I get closer to the infirmary, I start to attempt to gather Nate into my arms, but his limp weight overpowers me. I hook my forearms under his shoulders and try to relieve Stella of some of his weight, since she refuses to stand back and not help.
Once we push through the door of the infirmary, Stella calls out, "We have an emergency! Someone! We urgently need a doctor!" Doctors come rushing towards us, they take Nate from us and pull him onto a hospital bed. "I'm going to Nathanial's office now," Stella says to me. "If you're coming, let's go, but I'm leaving now before I get anymore disturbing looks."
I glance around. Disturbing looks? Either guys are looking at her in a way that would make me want to smash their heads into a cement wall, or she's getting glared at. For what? "Who is looking at you 'disturbingly'?" I ask her.
She shakes her head. "It doesn't matter," she says. "Because I'm leaving." She turns and starts toward the door. I follow her through the hallways that she seems to have already learned her way through. "Nathanial," she says as she turns around a corner. As soon as Nathanial comes into my vision, he is already responding.
"Oh! Stella!" He says. "You came earlier than I had expected--"
"Shut up," Stella snaps. "Just give me the serum and stop torturing me and the factionless and my friends. I know it was your people that killed Anthony."
"Stella--" I start, trying to stop her from doing something she'll regret.
"Don't," she says to me. "Do you have anything to say about this?"She says this to Nathanial.
Nathanial shakes his head. "I didn't have anything to do with any of the deaths in your dorm. Turn to the factionless for information if you must, but I will be of no use--"
"That's bullshit," Stella snaps.
"Stella," I say. She never speaks like this. It's like she's a different person all of a sudden. Although, I don't think she's ever been this angry. "I get it you're trying to be direct but--"
"Lamar, could you just stop talking for a few moments?" Her voice is bitter.
"No," I say. "I can't, because I'm not comfortable with you going through this test. It's memory serum, Stella. I get it, you've been through it before but that shouldn't make you less reluctant to do this."
She closes her eyes for a moment. "Nathanial, could you give us a moment, please?"
"Actually, no," he says. "Given the known fact of how many cameras and speakers there are in this building, I could simply walk back into my office and listen to your whole conversation. Also, that I'd prefer to get this done so I can analyze the results and consider how many more tests you'll have to go through."
"What?" I demand. "You said just five tests," I say. "Five tests, Nathanial, that's all you get--"
"Actually," Nathanial says. "I can get whatever I want out of the two of you. You'd rather no one else die, correct?"
Stella's lips part. She looks shocked. He's threatening to kill more of our group.
"How many tests do you intend to take on her?" I ask.
"Three more," he says. "The death serum and two more simulations."
I look over at Stella. She nods. "I'm okay with that," she says. "As long as no one else comes and attacks me and no one else dies."
He smirks. "I can't make any promises."
Stella tries to lunge at him, but I see her movements before she makes them, I throw one of my arms around her waist to stop her in the process. I wrap my other arm around her waist just below her rib cage, the bones pressing to the top of my forearm.
"Nathanial," I say. "Stop killing people, it doesn't help the situation, especially if she already plans to go to your tests."
"But they are of no use to me," he says. "All they're doing is taking up dormitory space for the rest of the people in the faction system. The others that are still in there, some of them want out, but we don't have to room for them, because of your little group and the factionless. We'll be picking them off one by one, we've already killed eight factionless. One of yours, although, you may or may not be able to find him once again. I know how many times you've seen him die, I hope this one has been the most painful."
Stella tries to lunge at him again, I hold her back, causing this man anything that will disturb the order in his plans, that will most likely give us a lesser chance to stop him. But killing him . . . There is only a small chance of that ending this all.
"I have one question for you, Nathanial," I say. "Not at all related, but, could we all get separate apartments if we're taking up the dormitory space?"
"Hmm," he taps his chin. Stella stops thrashing for a moment, I immediately know that she is piecing something together. "Only 10 of you, Stella's choice of people."
"That number is too small," Stella says. "You do realize that some of the apartments will, ultimately, hold more than just one person due to . . . Close relationships?" He nods. "Lamar, Alice, Grace, Faith, Adrian, Matthew, myself, and the remainder chosen by random draw."
"Alright," Nathanial says. "You may back your things after the testing, I'll give you all room keys." He pauses. "Mr. Polar, I ask of you to release TS 5-- Erm-- Ms. Thorn."
"Test subject?" I snap. "Are you kidding me? Where has your humanity gone? Has it fled from your body due to your dark soul? Test subject, that's just inhumane. Is this what you had Erudite do to Alice?"
"Lamar, stop," Stella says. "Just let me go, I promise, I'll be back in a few minutes, like nothing had happened, alright?"
I shake my head. "You're only doing this if I can go in there with you," I say.
Nathanial sighs. "I will allow your presence, Mr. Polar, but if, and only if, you release her right now."
I release Stella, pulling my arms carefully away from her waist. She steps forward, as if to confirm her freedom from my arms.
"Very good," he says. "In my office."
Stella sits in a chair next to Nathanial. I stand beside her, just as Nathanial pulls out the syringe, she reaches for my hand and squeezes almost desperately. I squeeze her hand back, trying to reassure her that she'll be alright, but seemingly reassuring myself more than her.
I watch as the serum level lowers in the syringe, pouring into Stella's veins and I want to pull it out of her neck, take a gun a press it to Nathanial's temple for doing all of these tests on her. But I still fear what a monster I am slowly becoming. How, one day, I will hurt Stella in anyway possible just as my father had done to my mother. I want it all to go away. I want the fear to stand in the doorway of the home I live in and slam the door in it's face and for it to never come back. I want to be able to just will it so much to go away and for it to listen. I'd rather this fear melt away and become something much more subtle, like Nate in general as it had been back in Dauntless, than stay the way it is. Although, my preference lies much closer to the fear not existing at all. But that is too much to wish for.
Stella's eyes are closed. I panic for a brief moment before realizing that she is breathing, her chest still rises and falls as it should, her small nose moving slightly around the sides indicates this as well. I stare at her for a moment, willing her to wake up the same as she had fallen into slumber. I realize that I am squeezing her hand too hard, the lower part of her fingers are turning purple. I release her immediately, feeling a sudden urge to take her hand back into mine, I need to hold her, make skin contact with her in some way because the worry of her memories disappearing makes me feel as though she needs to hold on to something that will keep her from forgetting.
I watch her until she wakes moments later. Her eyes lock with mine as soon as they open, after a few moments, she glances around the room, never letting herself linger for too long. I feel a sudden wave of disappointment, sorrow that the one person that I really care about, the person that truly understands me, is gone. But I also feel hope, and I want to force that hope away so it cannot be the false hope that knocks on my door every time something important is questionable.
"What were my results?" She asks Nathanial just as her eyes land on him.
"That depends," he says. "What is your name?"
"Stella Thorn."
"Name each of your family members, oldest to youngest."
"Jake Thorn, Melissa Thorn, Mathew Thorn, Christine Thorn," she winces, almost avoiding being noticed, as she says each name.
"Who is the man sitting next to you?"
She looks up at me and smiles. "Lamar Polar." I bring myself to smile back. She remembers me.
"Who is he to you?"
Her face bursts with red and pink, her cheeks, her nose, and a little on her ears. "Why is this relevant?" She demands.
"Well, it wasn't until you said that."
"First of all, I'm not sure you knew the answer to the before the serum. Second, it's personal and I'd rather not share."
He snorts. "A bit more stubborn, not important, just something that'll annoy me, mostly because I thought it wasn't possible you could be more stubborn." He pauses, considering his next words. "Do you remember my name?"
"Yes, I do," she says. "Unfortunately, I still know you and have to see you everyday." She pushes herself to her feet. "I'm going back to the dorm, this test obviously didn't work. How many more will I have to take?"
"Still three," Nathanial says. "You both may go now."
I follow Stella out and back to the dormitory. We sit down next to each other on the bed we share. Alice told us that the factionless were hanging out in one of the other dorms. She then got pulled into a conversation between Adrian, Faith, Grace, and-- Recently-- Herself.
I clear my throat to try to clear some of the tension between us. "So . . ?" I ask. "How much do you remember?"
"Not any less than I did going in, I promise," she says. "Although, I'm not exactly sure I prefer this to before the serum."
"What do you mean?"
She shakes her head. "I really don't want to talk about it. It--" she sighs. "I'm trying to figure out what to think of everything right now. So . . . Just don't push it, please."
"I won't," I say. "Do you want to be alone or--"
"No," she interrupts. "No, just-- Please-- Stay with me."
I lie down and gesture for her to follow, she does, I slide my arms around her waist, tracing the waistband of her pants with my index finger. She takes in a deep breath and rolls over to face me.
"When should I let them know about the apartments?" I ask.
"Before they find out on their own," she says. "Once we stop coming back, they'll know something is wrong."
"Alice might have a panic attack if you miss a night back in the dorms," I joke. Stella smiles.
"I'm not sure she's ready to sleep in a room alone yet," she says. "I mean, we're just recovering from . . . You know. And, she's a little more isolated right now . . . What should we do? Because I am not letting her stay in the dorms."
"She might go to Grace's room," I say. "Everyone could just pair up."
She shakes her head. "No, she'll want the privacy eventually. Maybe we could all sleep in just one or two dorms for the first few nights, then, if Alice or anyone else still needs it, they can work it out with whoever."
"What are you two talking about?" Alice's voice right behind me almost makes me jump.
Stella is breathing heavily. "Alice, you scared me."
"Are either of you going to answer my question?" Alice asks.
Stella and I sit up, our backs against the pillows that lean against the headboard of the bed. I say, "I got us separate apartment rooms. Is that alright with you?" She nods.
"Are you sure?"Stella asks. "Like, 100%?" Alice nods again.
"When do we move in?" Alice asks.
"As soon as the rooms are ready."
"Is that all you were talking about?"
"Yeah . . ." Stella says. " Is that all you're intending?"
Alice hesitates. "Yes, yes, that's all."
"All of us are going to sleep in 1 or 2 rooms the first night, okay?" I say.
Alice nods. "To make sure it's safe, I get it," she says. "How many of us in each room?"
"The 6 of us in one room, the others in the second room, unless they can't fit."
"Alright-- I'm going to go back over to that conversation, this is getting kind of awkward." She is back with Grace and the others before Stella can say anything to try to stop her. She sighs.
There is a brief silence between us as we lie back down, facing each other, one of my arms is under her head, my free hand is on her waist. One of her hands is on my chest, the other on my arm, just under the sleeve. I touch my forehead to hers and close my eyes. I want to pause our lives for a moment. Right now, I want to live in this moment forever.
So, that was chapter 20. I told you there would be feels😈. I'm really sorry to say this, but I desperately need to put this story on hold. I'm so sorry, but I only have chapter 21 finished. MAL might only be on hold for a few weeks, but I won't post next week. I might post on New Year's Day though, to celebrate but besides that this story is on hold. I'm honestly sorry, I know to some people that that doesn't mean much, I mean it. I'm almost done with chapter 22, but I won't take this book off hold until I have chapter 32 done.
~EnchantedCynder~