The thing about being sick is that you can never be alone. You have to go to doctors appointments and have drugs put inside your body that you know won't change anything. All they do is give you some time.
I layed in a chair, in a hospital gown, as the doctor, who I have never met before, poked a needle through my chest, sending drugs into my heart.
"You're doing great!" The doctor dude said as he made sure the medicine got in.
The thing was, I had to be completely calm and not think of stuff that will stress out my heart.
After the medicine was all set the doctor dude said he was going to check out my pacemaker and make sure it's fully charged. This caused me to get an x-ray.
The doctor dude looked at the x-ray after he printed it out. I couldn't tell what he was thinking because he had a blank look on his face that was unreadable and could mean anything.
After a while he nodded and wheeled his chair over to the wall and placed the x-ray over a white light. "See here?" The doctor dude said as he pointed at the x-ray. "The pacemaker still has some time before it needs to be renewed. But nothing has changed in your heart. Same as when you last came in here."
"What's the point of this?" I asked in a blurt.
"What?" Doctor Dude said.
"I'm going to die anyway. Why are you guys even trying. It's not like it will fix anything. All it will do is keep me alive a little longer but I'm still going to die."
Dad frowned. "Tori."
"We're doing the best we can." Doctor dude said as he took down the x-ray.
"I'm going to die!" I shouted out. "All this stuff you guys are doing is useless!"
My Dad looked up at me. "Can I talk to the doctor alone for a moment?" He asked me. I obeyed my Dad and grabbed my clothes and left the room, walking to the bathroom.
Once I got into the last stall of the bathroom, I burst into tears. I've been strong for too long. It's going to be my fault that my Dad won't have a child anymore. It's my fault that Dad has to work on the hospital bills all the time. Everything is my fault.
I took the gown off and put my t-shirt on and then my jeans. I stayed in the stall for what seemed like forever. My back rested against the wall. I wanted to text Jared to tell him to come get me so I wouldn't have to be in this hell hole. But I didn't. I couldn't bare it. I don't want to tell him what's going on. The same reason why I can't be with him. He will only get hurt like all the other people I love. My friends have spent years slowly watching me die. Now that I knew I was going to die, I knew he is just going to get hurt. I like him. I really do. But what's the point in liking someone if you're going to end up hurting them.
Sometimes I wish I was never dianosed with Hypertrophic Cardiomyopathy. All my life I wanted to be like a normal kid. But my whole childhood revolved around me sitting on the couch and watching TV, taking long naps, and endless doctor's appointments.
Let's agree that life sucks. Everyone else gets a choice of what they want to do with their lives. Not me. I never got to choose. Because of this disease, I couldn't make my own decisions.
After a little while longer I decided to head back to the room. My Dad and the doctor dude where just chatting about something unrelated to the cause.
I put the gown on a chair. "Dad, can we go now?"
Dad looked at me and then back at the doctor for approval.
"We are done for today." Doctor Dude said. "Your next appointment will be in exactly two weeks.
Hopefully I live that long, I thought to myself.
I gave a thanks, grabbing my sweatshirt and walked out of the room, Dad following behind me.
The air was chilly so I put my sweatshirt on and walked straight to the car in the parking lot. As soon as Dad unlocked the doors, I climbed right in.
We just sat there, looking ahead out the window. Dad broke the silence after awhile. "I'm sorry."
I crossed my arms and turned away, looking out my window where I saw two kids riding their bikes down the road, yelling and having a great time.
Dad made me look at him. "Look at me, Tori." So I did. "This is hard on all of us. Not just you. We all love you. Me, your friends."
I crossed my arms over my chest and stared ahead. "I know Mom doesn't."
Dad put a hand on my shoulder, massaging it. "I don't know." Was all he could get out.
He put the car in drive and pulled out of the parking lot.
The entire ride home was guiet. The only sound being heard was the radio. I opened up the window and let my hand hang out of it. Feeling the cool breeze as the car sped down the road.
When we got home, I pulled my house key out of my pocket and let myself inside the house. I was in the house before my Dad could even get out of the car. He was calling out to me but I didn't listen. I went straight to my room, slamming the door. I fell onto my bed and began crying. The entire time thinking I hate myself I hate myself I hate myself.
All I wanted to do at this point was run to Jared and talk to him. I just really needed someone to talk to.
I looked out my window for a second to see if I could see him. He wasn't there so I just fell back into my pillow. My tears staining the pillow. Let's say the lying face down on a pillow with a canulla in your nose is not the most comfortable thing but I get to take it out in just a couple of days.
Dad knocked on my door. "Tori, open up."
"I just want to be alone!" I yelled out. I could hear his footsteps as he walked away from my door.
After awhile I heard another knock.
"Leave me alone." I said, stuffing my face into the pillow.
The knock came again. I looked up and realised it wasn't coming from the door, it was coming from the window. I saw Jared standing outside my window. This time he was on a ladder.
I got up and opened the window.
"Is everything okay?" He asked. "I saw you run in." I wiped my tears away, trying to make it so he couldn't see them. I knew he must have seen them already. "Why are you crying?"
I shook my head and wiped my hand over my eyes. "It's nothing."
"You're lying." He took another step up the ladder so he could see me fully. "What's wrong?"
"Why do they even try?" I blurted out.
"Try what?"
I wiped another tear. "The medication and crap. I'm going to die anyway so what's the point?" A tear dropped down my face. "It's just making me live a little longer. But I am going to die. Why do they even try?"
He reached his hand out and wiped away a tear. "Please don't say that."
"I am."
He shook his head. "No, you're not dying. You're life just has a shorter span."
I smiled. "Nice way of saying I'm dying."
He smiled back, this time I'm seeing a tear escape his eyes.
"Can you breath without this thing?" He said changing the subject and pointing at the canulla.
I shrugged. "Yeah, I guess. It's just sending oxygen throughout my body."
He reached out to it. "Do you mind." I shook my head as he grabbed the canulla and placed the nubbins in his nose, laughing. "This feels so funny."
I laughed and he handed it back to me. I took it and placed it back in my nose.
"I've always wanted to try one of those." He said and smiled wide.
I smiled. "You want to come in? I really could use someone to talk to."
He nodded. "Yeah, sure." He climbed up the whole rest of the ladder and jumped into my room, stumbling on his feet and falling to the ground. He accidently kicked the ladder and it fell onto the grass.
I leaned over him. "Are you okay?" I couldn't help but laugh.
He gave me a thumbs up. "I'm amazing." He sat up and looked out the window. "Great. How am I suppose to leave?"
I shrugged. "You could walk out the front door."
He shook his head. "No, your Dad will get the wrong idea."
I laughed. "Then how about you jump out the window."
He shook his head again. "No, never again."
I helped him up and he sat on the bed. I sat next to him at a good distance.
He cupped his hands together and placed them on his lap. "So, you want to talk?"
I nodded my head. "Yes."
He nodded back. "What do you wanna talk about?"
I looked up at the ceiling. "Everything."
"Everything?"
I continued staring at the ceiling. "Do you believe in an afterlife?"
He thought for a moment and nodded. "Yeah, I do."
I looked at him. "That's where I'm going to go someday."
He looked down at his lap. "Can we stop talking about death."
I looked at him. "What's wrong?"
He wiped a tear that escaped his eye. "I never liked to idea of death. I never liked the idea that everyone I've ever loved in the world are going to die and I am going to have to go to many funerals to say goodbye." He took a deep breathe. "Now I'm going to lose my best friend."
"I'm your best friend?"
He nodded. "Yeah. Here anyway. You are the only one I talk to in this goddamn neighborhood. Life sucks."
He rest his head on his folded hands and looked straight.
"Life does suck." I said and placed a hand on his back, rubbing it.
I pulled him in for a hug. He buried his head on my chest and began sobbing.
I stroked his hair. "I'm so sorry. I never wanted to hurt you."
I thought he was going to lean up and kiss me but he didn't. Which kind of upset me but at the same time I was relieved. I couldn't be with him.
They say when a couple loses the love of their life that they shortly die afterwards from a broken heart. I always wondered if that was the same for teenage couples.
I don't want to break Jared's heart.
That night I couldn't sleep. I had too much on my mind and I don't know how to get rid of them. When I fell asleep I dreamt of Jared and me. His lips attacking mine. We where in love in my dream. I wasn't sick. I was perfectly healthy. We where able to be together.
If only life where like a dream. If dreams could come true, I would be perfectly healthy and married to Leonardo DiCaprio.
I kept on sleeping when my dream finally turned into a nightmare. I was in the hospital. Death looking me straight in the face. The only one in the room was Jared. I was unconsious when the machine I was attached to suddenly beeped. I could see Jared crying.
The next thing I knew, I was in a casket, right above my grave. A group of people sitting around me in chairs. Jared sitting in the front row holding a piece of paper with a eulogy written on it.
When he walked up to present it, he started talking about our lives and love and a bunch of other stuff that was sad and romantic. Sharing our memories.
I couldn't take it anymore and woke up. The only sound in the whole house was the oxygen machine next to my bed.
I couldn't do it anymore. I didn't want to see the faces of everyone at my funeral. They're all going to miss me. Especially Jared. We only knew eachother for a couple of weeks but we became instant best friends. My only best friends in the world right now are Alison, Madeline, and Jared. I've had friends before but these one's followed me out of High School. Except Jared who just appeared out of nowhere.
You ever notice that when you're at your low point and all hope is lost that something comes into your life and changes that? That was Jared.