Depression has such a feature - to devalue everything. As if slowly destroying everything around.
Who watched the cartoon Inside Out, he probably remembers such islands that were responsible for the personality of a person. Then imagine that they all slowly start to fall apart.
All the colored paints fade. All works lose their significance. All worries about yourself, about your health, about your loved ones, about what you like, lose their meaning. Everything loses all meaning.
Depression is not an excuse for whiners and the weak-willed, it's not just a fiction. It's not so easy to brush it off with your hand, and it's not just laziness that is usually compared to this. This is a serious mental illness that should be taken seriously. This is the slow effect of dying, the loss of the desire to live, the desire to do something, to do something.
Something is breaking from the inside. Like a blooming flower that begins to slowly wither and eventually wilts.
It's true that there is no meaning to life. Because, in fact, this is how it is, we are born just to finish school; We graduate from school to go to college or university; We go to college to find a job later; We look for a job so that we have money, if we have money, we spend it; We get paid again and so on, until we die.
Is the meaning of life in money? The saddest thing is that we do not spend money, but time spent on work and their earnings. We are wasting the time of our lives.
Speaking about the meaning of life, the truth is that we must build the meaning of life ourselves.
But what if you don't want it? You don't want to build, plan and implement anything. Because you're too tired to do anything with your life.
You're just fucking tired of everything. You have absolutely no strength for anything. There are forces only to not live, but just to exist.
You are content with something that somehow makes you smile, laugh, but for the sake of your own safety, you avoid cases, movies, news that make you cry or get discouraged. You want to shine like a long-lasting candle, but the clouds and torrential rain above you do not allow you to do this, they are always above you.
Life has become somewhat circular. You're sad and you're having fun. Sometimes you cry, sometimes you laugh.
You want to go back to your childhood. Where the knees are broken, but the soul is not touched.
Early the next morning, Jisoo went to work. Not getting enough sleep and not in a good mood.
Probably because she didn't get enough sleep, as she only slept for about three hours.
As soon as her eyes met the morning rays of the sun, all she thought about was how she would like not to go anywhere today, but just fall back into bed and continue sleeping. She was desperately sleepy.
Music, as always, accompanied her. Missed calls and messages from the owner of the coffee shop and the landlady of her apartment, displayed on the screen, caused a frustrated sigh from her lips as she turned on her phone while waiting for the bus.
She couldn't ignore it for long, so she replied with a short message with a smiling smiley face, writing that she was busy and forgot her phone at work. And it seems that this excuse worked, because, to her surprise, she immediately received a reply to the SMS. Rose wrote that she was worried, which caused Jisoo to apologize, although she shouldn't have, but her conscience gnawed at her soul.
This wasn't the first time she'd heard something from Rose that served as a lesson, but lately she'd been unwittingly taking every word too personally. Then maybe neither her mother, nor her grandmother, nor Rose were to blame for the fact that their words seemed harsh and critical, but only she and her reaction to the words were to blame?
Maybe that's how it is. But she still blamed not only herself, people might have thought before saying something. Or did they deliberately want to hurt her? If so, they did it.
It turned out the same way, like the rain that made her get wet today while getting to the big building of her work. The ends of her hair were slightly curled from the humidity, and her wet spring jacket was hanging on a hanger. She was grateful that the rain wasn't so heavy.
Jisoo did not do anything so serious at work, her job was to print something and deliver mail or parcels to employees and, of course, in more cases, work at the computer, filling out tables. She was kind of an assistant.
To tell the truth, filling out the tables was the most painful for her, because of the severe pain in her shoulders, when her back was tense, this pain was like knives stabbing into her shoulders, and scalding irons rushing after, leaving behind burns.
But today, her main task was just not to fall asleep and not be caught by anyone from her superiors. She literally fell asleep every spare minute.
Another yawn escaped her lips, and her eyes closed for a moment. The sounds of tapping fingers on the keyboard, several voices somewhere near her, from time to time ringing work phones, rustling papers, creaking chairs reached her ears and caused headaches and irritation. But one earphone with music in her right ear calmed her down enough and moved her away from this place.
Pulling herself together, she began to fill out the tables. Her fingers were nimbly and briskly running over the keyboard. Silver rings glittered on each finger. A white blouse with long sleeves, black tight jeans, black spring boots, a silver cross on the neck, slightly peeking out from under the collar of the blouse.
The numbers and letters on the monitor screen flashed before her eyes, while the hands on the clock rotated imperceptibly.
When the lunch break came, she stayed seated while the others left for lunch.
Everyone was friends with each other, Jisoo was also friends with many, but she just stayed away. If someone talks to her, she will answer. But she can stand next to a laughing, hanging out group, but she will silently watch others, watch them laugh and communicate, secretly wishing she was at home.
She was both an introvert and a sociophobe, and she hated both sides of herself.
For those who thought these people were the same, this is not the case.
Introverts are people who communicate little and often stay alone with themselves, but not because they are afraid of society or opinion, but because they communicate only with those with whom they consider it necessary. When communicating with people, they do not have fear or anxiety, they just get tired of communicating. Such people naturally find most interactions tiring, and they often need rest to accumulate the energy they have given to those with whom they have been in social contact.
Social phobia is primarily a social anxiety disorder. People suffering from this disorder are afraid that their actions or expressions of anxiety will be negatively evaluated by others, and as a result tend to avoid situations in which fear or anxiety arises. This is constantly under stress in society, despite the ability not to flaunt it, the body can clearly manifest itself and give away.
Sociophobes suffer from loneliness, introverts, on the contrary, enjoy loneliness, considering it solitude.
Jisoo has been an introvert for the most part, especially in recent years. But sometimes she can't do without worrying in front of people. She immediately thought of a certain owner of charming cat eyes named Jennie.
She often flashed through her thoughts, but Jisoo didn't allow herself to think about her too much, it was something like a ban. She secretly just didn't want to admit that she cared about the brown-haired girl, or rather, she just didn't want to get attached. Although, to be honest, Jisoo herself didn't know exactly what she wanted and what she didn't want.
She didn't know what she wanted from life.
Although she didn't expect anything from life, she just gave herself up to the current, like a log floating on a river.
Compare herself to a log? Why not? Jisoo couldn't describe herself any other way than that, it was perfect for describing her life, wasn't it? Just lie down and swim wherever the current takes her.
Everyone left, she was left sitting completely alone, which was very convenient, she could afford to take a nap.
A husky but pleasant female voice enveloped her ears, and peace spread through her body when the French song Quelqu'un m'a dit by Carla Bruni sounded.
A chill ran through her thin body, making her shudder. She crossed her arms and pressed them closer to her chest. Hunching over, the yawn left her lips again.
She won't fall asleep, but at least she'll let her eyes rest for a while.
Sighing, she slowly lowered her head onto the table, pressing her cheek against it.
It must have been a long time, she managed not to fall asleep.
When the clock struck five in the evening, Jisoo began to pack with a feeling of contentment, turning off the computer behind her. Fortunately for her, her jacket was already dry.
And as soon as she put on her jacket, the warmth enveloped her like a blanket on a cold night. Wrapping a gray-brown plaid scarf around her neck and throwing on a black leather backpack, she headed, like the others, for the elevator. Someone stayed to finish their work, someone left, and thank God she finished everything.
-Jisoo, on rentre enfin à la maison, n'est-ce pas? (Well, Jisoo, you're finally going home, aren't you?) A good-natured male voice spoke to her.
Glancing out of the corner of her eye, Jisoo stifled a yawn and chuckled.
-Oui, maintenant je peux continuer à engourdir mon cul à la maison. (Yes, now I can continue to torture my ass at home.)
Daniel laughed.
Daniel was a friendly person. Black wavy hair, brown eyes, medium height, slightly swarthy skin, typical Frenchman. He was a couple of years older than her.
When Jisoo first got this job, she was worried that she would end up in a bad team, but luck seemed to smile at her, and she smiled back.
Goats and bitches, of course, will be found everywhere, in the sense that they are downright bastards. Those who are able to just pick on people and make a fuss. She had only seen such people here from afar, but they didn't bother her. Probably because they found no reason to bother her, because she was more inconspicuous than a shadow and quieter than a corpse.
Being invisible, of course, is pointless. But when you are invisible, and maybe you are not seen, but that does not mean that you do not see others.
-Jisoo, attends-moi! (Jisoo, wait for me!) A voice sounded somewhere behind her, forcing the brunette to turn around and catch a dark-skinned girl with a full head of Afro hair running towards her.
Marie was one of her colleagues, with whom she often sorted out documents at work. But honestly, Jisoo would have preferred to do it alone, in silence and solitude with music in her ears, but she had no choice but to turn on politeness and friendliness, and try to forget about everything and work.
It's not that Marie was bad or anything, it's just that it would have been easier for her to just work alone. Or maybe Jisoo just didn't find a person who would give her the energy she spends on others, who would share his energy with her, and she would share hers with it.
-À demain, Jisoo. (See you tomorrow, Jisoo.)- Daniel waved goodbye to her.
Jisoo raised her hand, raised her fist to him and flashed a light, cheerful smile. Daniel flashed a toothy smile, they bumped fists in farewell and the guy ran off to his friends walking in front, with whom Jisoo had already said goodbye.
-Tu as fini, hein? (You've already finished, right?) She asked, smiling at the dark-skinned girl next to her, who was tying her lush hair into a short ponytail.
Marie waved her arms up with a loud sigh.
-Oui, enfin. Hourra, à la maison! (Yes, finally. Hooray, I'm finally going home!)
After saying goodbye to the guard at the entrance, they left through the glass doors. The wind immediately greeted the tired brunette, hugging her, but she was not happy with these hugs, a chill immediately ran through her.
-Je te dépose? (Do you want me to give you a ride?)
She shook her head, adjusting her backpack on her shoulder.
-Non, non, ça va. Je vais prendre le bus. (No, no, it's okay. I'm going for a ride on the bus.)
-Je pense que ton amie est venue te chercher. (I think your friend has come to pick you up.)
-Quoi? (What?) Jisoo frowned in confusion.
-Là-bas, une fille nous regarde. (There's a girl looking at us.)
Black curls flew to the sides as she turned around, following Marie's gaze.
The tired eyes of the girl suddenly sobered up when they saw a certain brown-haired girl with cat eyes looking out of the car window and waving her hand affably and sweetly.
Jennie? What is she doing here?
-Je pense qu'elle t'attend, alors je vais y aller. À demain, Jisoo. (I think she's waiting for you, so I'll go. See you tomorrow, Jisoo.) Marie, with a cheerful expression on her face, raised her fist to her in farewell.
-À demain. (See you tomorrow.) Jisoo's lips curved in a grin, and she raised her fist in response.
Looking back, the brunette's eyes met Jennie's eyes again.
Jennie smiled sweetly and happily as she slowly walked to the car, still at a loss.
-Salut, belle. (Hello, beauty.) Have you eaten?- The brown-haired girl asked.
-Uh, hi...- Slowly, with a slight blush on her cheeks, she said.- No, I haven't eaten yet. What are you doing here?
-I came to pick you up, well, and I missed you. Get in the car, otherwise you'll freeze.
Jisoo's hand slipped awkwardly around her neck. She was really cold.
Once in the car, where she found herself enveloped in warmth and an attractive scent of perfume, she put her backpack on her lap. She was embarrassed to find herself next to the owner of the cat's eyes, which she felt on herself.
-I forgot to return this to you.- A sweet voice told her. And suddenly the cap landed neatly on her head.
Only a small smile appeared on her lips.
-Jisoo? Look at me for a second.
She slowly turned face to face with an indescribably beautiful girl who suddenly appeared right in front of her nose, causing chocolate-colored eyes to open completely in front of her. And God, how beautiful they are, like an oil painting in an art gallery.
-How's work going?- Jennie asked her in a low voice.
The brunette's eyes looked away, and an ambiguous smile appeared on her lips. She shrugged her shoulders slightly.
-Fine.
How she disliked this question.
She seemed to want to tell me how she was really doing, but would that do any good? Nothing will change if she tells you everything, tells you that she does everything to keep her mood normal, that she envies every person who enjoys life and has fun, lives to the fullest. Or that Jisoo lives only for the sake of her parents, as long as they are alive, she is alive.
She didn't mean that she planned to commit suicide or anything like that, no, but thoughts of suicide often haunted her thoughts. But these are just thoughts. She had never hurt herself in her life. If she showed you her body, there wouldn't be a single scar on it, at least not from herself.
-Better tell me, how are you doing?
-You didn't answer.
-Fine.- Jisoo pursed her lips, and a protective chuckle quietly slipped from her lips. She shrugged her shoulders.
-It must be cool, wonderful, magnificent.- A fingertip gently touched the tip of her nose.
-It's too complicated.- Jisoo replied softly, running her eyes around, only meeting the gloomy but attractive cat's eyes for a second. And every time she met them, they wouldn't take their eyes off her.
-I agree. But I'm here to fix it. Let's go eat, at my expense, and then we'll go to the cinema, watch some movie.
-That's nice.- Jisoo flashed a small, gentle smile.- But, uh, I was going home.
-Jisoo, are you trying to avoid me?
-No, I just...
-Okay. Actually, I have a case for you. Do you know anything about computers?- Jennie asked her.
-I don't think so. I wouldn't say that I'm so good at them, why?- She shrugged uncertainly as she adjusted her cap.
-Something happened to my laptop, it won't turn on, and I need to finish my work. Will you help me?
-Don't you have programmers or sysadmins? It is better to ask them, or call a master.
-Hmm, no.- Silky brown hair swung gently to the sides as the girl shook her head. As if to say that this is absolutely unacceptable.- I don't trust them.
-You don't trust them?
-Yes, I don't trust them.
-Do you trust me more than your employees?
-Yes, much more than them.
-Why?
-I don't know, I just feel like I can trust you.
-What if I betray your trust?
-You won't do that.
-Why do you think that?
-You're good, Jisoo. You don't look like the kind of person who would do that, even though I haven't known you long, I don't feel anything that would make me distrust you because you're good. Some people are just good people, and you can feel it right away. I'm not sure how to explain it exactly, but it's like there's something special about you, there's this little spark. And thanks to this feature, I feel comfortable and safe with you.
-I'm arguing with you in my mind anyway.- The vulnerable strings of her heart fluttered, awakening suppressed feelings somewhere inside, but she drove them away like the wind of a cloud.
-Argue with me as much as you like, my opinion will not change.- Jennie stuck out her tongue playfully.
-Whatever you say.- She replied with a gentle smile.
-But anyway, I need your help, will you help me?
-Okay, I'll try.- She sighed softly, trying to shake off her drowsiness.
While they were on the way, her eyes were treacherously glued together, and quiet yawns escaped from her lips, she fell asleep on the move. Buildings and apartment buildings flashed before her eyes as she looked out the window. It was so warm and cozy in the car, there was a pleasant smell of perfume around, and the ride rocked her like a baby in a stroller. Her head slowly touched the window, and her eyes slowly closed, plunging her into dreams.
Jisoo never fell asleep anywhere except at home, she couldn't fall asleep somewhere not at home. But her body relaxed in the car, despite the fact that she was tense, and sleep took her with it.
She had no idea how much time had passed when she moved slightly and her eyes opened a little. A yawn escaped her lips as the brunette rose from the window. Her half-asleep eyes looked back at the driver's seat, which, to her surprise, was empty.
She couldn't stay awake, but where had Jennie gone?
Looking around for a petite brown-haired girl, she catches a bad luck.
But before she has time to think about anything, she immediately notices Jennie coming out of the bakery with a couple of small bags in her hand and two cups in the other, clutching them to her chest. The cat's eyes were downcast, as if not wanting to look at anyone, the face kept a straight face as she walked to the car. She was wearing an open black blazer on top, and a snow-white sweater peeked out from under it, black trousers hugged slender legs, black heels looked very sexy on her feet.
Jennie was, without a doubt, a sexy girl.
Jisoo was often lost at the sight of her, although she didn't show it.
-You're awake.- A sweet voice spoke up.
-Uh, yes, I'm sorry, I suddenly fell asleep.- An awkward little half-asleep smile appeared on her lips.
-You slept so sweetly. Jisoo, if you were a kitten, I would take you in and cuddle you every day, and take you to work with me.- The impassive face softened into a smile.
Jisoo's lips stretched into an embarrassed smile, and her eyes turned away.
-But I'm not a kitten.- She said with a statement.
-Yes, you are not like that, you are much better.- Jennie said. Her eyes traveled up and down her, as if tracing a path through her body to her face.
Jennie is a damn flirt.
-Where did you go?- Jisoo didn't continue the conversation on this topic, so she decided to ask a question.
-I bought us a croissant, do you like croissants with chocolate? If not, you'll have to eat it anyway, I won't be able to eat two. Take it.
-You didn't have to..
-If you refuse, I'll be offended.
When warm hands handed her a brown bag, she quietly thanked her, accepting it.
-Thanks.
-Bon appétit. (Bon appetit.) The brown-haired girl's lips broke into a sweet smile.
-Toi aussi. (The same to you.) Jisoo smiled.
-Coffee.- She was handed a cup, which immediately warmed her chilled palms.
-Oh, uh, I don't drink coffee.
-Why?
-It is harmful to the nervous system.
-Seriously?
Jisoo only smiled slightly in confirmation, as if silently answering.
-Hmm, I didn't know about it.- Jennie was genuinely surprised.- Do you take care of your nervous system?
-Something like that.- She shrugged her shoulders slightly.
-It's so interesting.
-Thanks again for..- She nodded at the croissant in her hand with a grateful smile on her face.
-You're welcome, spy.
By the time they got off the elevator on the seventh floor, a calm but internally agitated brunette was walking behind, while Jennie was walking in front, tapping her heels on the floor.
She brought her hand to her face, rubbing it.
She should have been at home at that time, but where is she now? That's right, at work with Jennie. How could everything turn upside down like this? Her usual daily routine changes as suddenly as her mood.
As she walked down the hall, she caught Jennie's eye when Jisoo looked over her shoulder and winked.
Jisoo timidly looked away.
-Bonsoir, Mlle Jennie. (Good evening, Miss Jennie.)
Everyone greeted her, and the brown-haired girl just nodded and walked past, heading to her office. Jisoo followed her, only glancing at the people for a second.
-Oh? Jisoo? Hi!- Jisoo's head turned at the familiar voice, catching the blonde's eye, who stood up to hug her.- I didn't think I'd see you so soon. Did Jennie drag you here by force?
-Yes, Lisa, I handcuffed her to me and dragged her here.- Jennie spoke while standing and holding her office door open.
-Where can I buy the same invisible handcuffs? I could use them.
-On any cheap website, Lili. Let's go, Jisoo.
Jisoo smiled at the blonde, giving her a little wave before heading into the office.
As soon as the office door closed, she put her backpack on the sofa where she had been sitting last time, and felt someone's arms suddenly slowly hug her from behind. Her body tensed and she froze. A blush flooded her cheeks as she felt a soft chest pressed against her back.
-Uh.. what is it?
-Lili hugged you, but I can't? It's not fair.
-What about now?- An awkward little laugh escaped Jisoo's lips.
-Much better. Don't you like hugging?
-I'm not an ardent hugger.
-Well, you'll have to get used to it, I'll do it often.
-I'll remember that.
Jennie giggled behind her, stepping back.
Jisoo stood timidly under the supervision of the dark cat's eyes.
-Laptop...- She asked.
-Oh, yes, I completely forgot about it. It's on my desk.
She nodded as she walked over to the table. There were a lot of documents, papers and folders on top of it. Carefully opening the laptop, she turned it on.
She was about to ask something, but when she raised her head, she caught the gaze of the cat's eyes, which seemed to be watching her all the time.
-What is it?- She asked, feeling her heart racing in her chest.
The brown-haired girl only shook her head in response with a smile on her lips.
The laptop monitor lit up, showing the desktop. The laptop, for a strange reason, booted up without any problems.
-There's nothing wrong with the laptop. Didn't you say it didn't turn on?- Jisoo asked with confusion in her voice. Her eyes lifted to the brown-haired girl, who stood silently with her arms crossed over her chest.
Her black curls fell to one side as her head tilted to the side with an expression of curiosity and suspicion on her face.
-What? Do you think I brought you here just because I wanted to?- Jennie's eyebrow shot up, revealing a single seductive mole.
Jisoo pursed her lips before licking them.
-Everything was fine with the laptop, right?
-Yes and no, but not no. In general, yes. Okay, okay. But if I had asked you to meet me, you would have refused. Isn't that right?
-Maybe yes, maybe not.- She evaded the question by flashing a sweet little smile. But whether she would have refused or not, Jennie already knew the answer.
-Yes, yes, yes.- With a not-evil smile, Jennie teased her, tucking a strand of her long hair behind her ear.- Did you have any special plans? Are these plans more important than me?
-Yes.
-Give me an example.
-To sleep.- Jisoo shrugged her shoulder slightly and flashed a mischievous smile.
-Is sleep more important than me? How can you say that?- Jennie frowned, pouting charmingly.
How can she be sexy and cute at the same time? It's illegal.
-But about the fact that I had to finish the job, it was true.- The brown-haired girl said with undisguised dejection, probably speaking to herself rather than to her.- Will you stay here with me while I work?- Sweetly and pressing down on pity, she asked her.
-But won't I stop you from working?- Her eyebrows arched and her eyes sparkled with doubt.
-On the contrary, your presence is comforting.
She couldn't understand it. How could her presence be comforting? Personally, when someone was present with her, it did not calm her down in any way, but only strained her.
As a result, Jisoo settled down on the couch. Jennie went about her work in silence, only this time she was less stressed than usual, only Jisoo couldn't know that.
Silence hung over the office, and for the brunette it was unbearable, so she quietly plugged in the headphones and put them in one ear so that the silence would not be so loud. She sat with her back to Jennie so that the cat's eyes would not distract or confuse her.
Calm French songs played in the background as she read a book in her hand, which she took out of her backpack. Her attention was absent-mindedly focused as her eyes ran over the text, they often reread the same sentence in order to understand what was being discussed. She continued to read the book about the Siren. This book was undeniably good, the plot itself was fascinating, she had read it more than once, like her other favorite books.
Like some books, movies, and TV series, you can reread and review forever.
Usually, when she is busy with something, reading or drawing, she is extremely short-tempered, any sound, conversation or movement wildly got on her nerves. But why didn't she feel the same way about Jennie? The rustle of papers, tapping on the keyboard, the creak of a chair - all this did not cause irritation. Why?
She was a marshmallow, and Jennie was a bonfire, she melted under the fire and turned into a mess.
The fire was cunning, luring it to itself, and marshmallow followed it, despite the fact that it knew it would melt like ice.
The sound of a knock on the door snapped her out of her thoughts and books. She almost expected it to be Lisa.
But instead of the tall blonde, the man she remembered as Jennie's assistant came in.
-Mlle Jennie, je voulais vous parler de- (Miss Jennie, I wanted to talk to you about-) But he was immediately interrupted.
-Noel, on parlera plus tard, tu m'empêches de travailler. (Noel, we'll talk later, you're interfering with my work.)- Jennie favored him with a barely perceptible glance before continuing to type on her laptop.
The eyes of the man standing in the doorway turned to her, and Jisoo, out of habit, bowed slightly in greeting. The man gave her a small smile before he got ready to leave.
-Noel, dis bonjour à Jisoo, c'est mon invitée. (Noel, greet Jisoo properly, she is my guest.)- Jennie spoke to her assistant again.
Jisoo shook her head with an awkward smile on her lips, about to say that everything was fine, but the man straightened his tie and spoke:
-Désolé pour mes manières, Mlle Jisoo. Bonsoir. (Excuse my manners, Miss Jisoo. Good evening.)
-Bonsoir. (Good evening.)- She smiled politely back.
A moment later, the office door closed, leaving the two girls alone again.
A soft sigh escaped her lips.
He probably hates me now. Jisoo said to herself.
Why? She just felt that way.
-Are you angry? Why are you here with me and not at home?
The long eyelashes blinked, and the head turned at the sweet voice.
-What? No... Anyway, I didn't have any special plans.
The frowning lips stretched into a soft smile, as if Jennie thought otherwise.
-Do you know what a miracle is, Jisoo?
-Hmm.. Spontaneity?
-No. Do you want to know what it is?
-Well, yes.
-This is your birth, Jisoo.