Kathryn was no expert with spinal injuries, not in any sort of way. She knew what everyone else in medical school had learned about them—that you leave them alone if you're unsure if you're going to make things work.
By the end of her first week at the Stalag Luft III, Kathryn had finally been allowed to take a look at one of the more serious injuries at the camp. It was a crude machine used for x-rays, but there she was and staring at the x-ray for Second Lieutenant Richard Macon.
"Someone set this?" She questioned, gaze flickering between the x-ray and Macon. Standing near him tensely was his friend, Second Lieutenant Alexander Jefferson.
In the short week she had been there, she found herself at ease with both of these men. It probably had something to do with the targeting that the nurses found themselves facing and the fact that they were the only Tuskegees in the Camp. At least for now. And there was also the fact that they were all in the same bunk room—so really at this point, she could have called them friends if she felt so inclined.
Still, she felt bad for them. They had no choice but to trust her medical opinion—and she didn't know very much at the moment.
"Broken shoulder, broken neck. I was in a field hospital and the Germans set it," Macon answered.
"Well you're going to need a cast," Kathryn answered with a frown. "Maggie—"
"I'll grab one," Maggie had been waiting beside Kathryn for her chance to help in any sort of way. She made a dash for the limited medical supplies that they had while Kathryn turned back to the two soldiers.
"No matter what my brother tells you, baseball isn't on the cards for you quite yet," Kathryn managed a tight smile.
At that, Macon nearly smiled—and Jefferson did give a smile. "Thank you for the help, Doc Egan," Jefferson piped up.
"Just doing my job."
"Well I've never met a doctor as nice as you are." Jefferson added.
Kathryn almost doubted that—she didn't consider herself very nice anymore. And she couldn't remember the last time she had actually done something nice for someone else that didn't relate to the war. She was cold and she was harsh and she was Doctor Egan now.
"Well that's nice of you to say. Now, Macon—you're going to need some rest. And I know they have you boys doing work, but you're not gonna be helping anyone with that neck. So just rest." Kathryn advised.
Maggie had returned and between the two of them, they were able to give him the cast. They walked Macon and Jefferson back to the cabin, finding the boys in a game of cards. "How's he doing?" Buck questioned, not looking up from his bed.
"Doc gave me a cast and everything," Macon answered.
"He'll be okay. I don't think there's any permanent damage—" Kathryn had just sat down and grabbed a book when footsteps pounded outside of the room and the door to the cabin was thrown open.
Standing there was one of the German SS Officers. "Where is Doctor Egan?"
"I'm here. How can I—?" Kathryn questioned, narrowing her gaze.
The next few seconds were chaos. Because the Officer had charged over to her, grabbed her harshly by the hair and the wrist and was hauling her outside with the men following closely behind in an uproar.
Kathryn's knees hit the ground and her gaze landed on a German Soldier, screaming and writhing in pain at a gaping hole in his chest. Blood was spurting out and Kathryn's eyes were just wide—
"Hey, hey—" Bucky's voice sounded in her ears.
But then there was the cold feeling of a pistol being drawn and placed at Kathryn's head. "You will save this man—or you will die!"
She didn't have time to hear her brother's response to that. Kathryn was already moving and her fingers were pinching the skin together. "How did this happen?" Kathryn's voice just sounded mechanical as she worked—and her nurses appeared at her side.
"He tripped," The Officer sneered. "And you are our only Doctor at the moment."
How lucky .
"You removed him from the pole?" Kathryn questioned, barely glancing over at the Officer as her hands worked seamlessly and quickly.
"We had to—"
"He might just bleed out because of that. Next time, you get me first." Kathryn snapped the words out.
Then she was in Doctor Egan mode and she and the nurses were working as a seamless and flawless machine. No one's hands shook this time and Kathryn just focused on ensuring that the blood did not begin to fill his lungs.
Nearly an hour later, Kathryn collapsed backwards into the dirt—breathing heavily and hands stained in crimson. The man was lying there in pain—but he was breathing and he was alive. "It's done—he'll live," Kathryn breathed out.
She had gathered quite a crowd and she hadn't even been aware of it—most of the men that were there from the 100th had been watching in some sort of fascination and horror. Her brother hadn't left her side and Buck had lingered in the background, watching the entire thing. And then there were the German soldiers.
The pistol returned to its holster and the SS Officer gave a sharp tug on her hair, drawing her head back towards him. "You live another day, Doctor."
He shoved her forward and Annie barely managed to catch her around the elbow, keeping her upright. Kathryn just felt like she was going to collapse. Like she needed sleep more than she needed anything else.
It took a while for the cold water to get the blood off of her fingers. And it took her even longer to trudge out of the bathrooms—trying to take in the fact that she hadn't even reacted to a gun being placed at her head. At the time, it hadn't even registered in her brain. Because all she could do was try to stay alive. And it was going to be one day at a time, one battle at a time to even do that.
When she finally came trudging out of the bathrooms, Buck was leaning against the wall of the building and waiting for her. She wished she could say that she was surprised to see him standing there, but she wasn't. Not really.
After that entire shitshow , it made sense. It wasn't going to be Bucky. They hadn't spoken in a whole week. She didn't foresee them speaking any time soon either.
Before—walking with Gale Cleven was easy. Before, the silence that sometimes fell between them was comfortable and it felt right . This silence was almost unbearable and Kathryn just had to bite down on her tongue.
"Are you alright?" Kathryn found the words slipping out of her mouth.
Buck almost stopped short, confusion and annoyance flashing across his features. "I'm fine."
"You seem mad."
"No shit."
Kathryn could see the frustration in the way that his jaw clenched together and how his fists were knotted up. "Because of what I said, right?"
A beat of silence. Torturous, treacherous, painful silence. "I'm not taking sides, Kath." His voice just sounded weary. Weary of the fighting and the constant pain and suffering that he had been facing.
"I didn't ask you to. I wouldn't ," Kathryn amended.
"Well it sure as hell feels like it."
"I didn't mean to—"
Buck just let out a hot breath of air. "Kath—I'm not happy. Not with you and not with Bucky. You're both in the wrong. This fighting, it's gotta stop. We're all in this together now and there's no changing that."
The fact of the matter was that Gale Cleven was right . He usually was about these sorts of things. But the fact of the matter was that Kathryn Egan was angry . She had never been this angry in her life. And all of the pain and the trauma and the hurt and the grief, it had just been bubbling under the surface into a roaring fire and it was now here. And she didn't know how to stop that.
And Bucky Egan was no different. They were mirror images of each other in that way. And neither knew how to put aside their pride and just be grateful for the fact that the other was alive. And so this game of blame and anger had taken the stage.
"You both said things that you didn't mean—"
"And if I did mean them?" Kathryn questioned, crossing her arms and stopping short. Buck nearly tripped, turning so fast to stare at her in disappointment and—there was another emotion there that she couldn't read.
"Then you didn't grow up. You just killed the woman that I loved."
Kathryn couldn't say anything. It felt like a damn slap in the face. Because it hurt like hell . But she felt, in some small way, that she deserved this. That it was easier this way. That he wouldn't ever have to know about any of the other stuff. And she was protecting him. Because she did love him.
"You don't mean that," her voice was smaller than she had ever heard it. "You're just upset."
"I don't know what I mean right now, Kath. But I don't need you worrying about me either. I'm a big boy and I can tie my own shoes and everything," Buck wasn't sure where the words had come from. But he regretted them as soon as he had said them.
Because the context in which Kathryn Egan had told him those words—it was a whole lifetime away. And they were not those people anymore.
Kathryn Egan's jaw clamped shut again and she just stared at him coldly. "Well I'm glad we understand each other, Major ."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The contents of her argument with Buck played over in her head like some sort of silent film that she had no ability to stop. It caused physical pain in her chest to think about pushing him away. About pushing either of them away. But she couldn't take it.
Because if Kathryn Egan was in fact herself here—she would die. She would not make it out of this place. Kathryn Egan was a soft girl, made for summers and sunshine and romance. Not for battles and blood and grit.
No, because Buck Cleven was right. Doctor Kathryn Egan had killed Kathryn in all of the ways that she hadn't ever wanted to. She had taken her place out of a cruel place of necessity and pain and grief. There was no going back from that. Doctor Egan was how she was going to get through this—how she was going to get her nurses out of this.
But those dreams—
In her dreams, she could be that girl who just wanted love. In her dreams, she could be the Kathryn Egan that thought love was in some way enough . But it wasn't a reality. And when Inez woke up shaking from head to toe and trying not to cry, Kathryn just held her hand again.
Because maybe in a way, leaving Thorpe Abbot had been the real thing to kill Kathryn Egan. Maybe she was dead and this was all that was left. She didn't know how to get that part of herself back and she wasn't sure she could ever get it back. Or if she even wanted to.