XXVIII. is my soul worth saving?
Mia remembered one night she and her dad laid side by side on their grown yard, looking up at the stars, and she whisper to him, "Daddy, will I grow up to be like you?"
Riley Jones looks at his daughter. "Grow up to be like you, Amelia."
"What does that mean?"
"Don't the to be like anybody else. Be like you. There's nobody better in the world like yourself."
She was seven years old. His words didn't stick with her like they did now. Mia always tried to be like her father. Like her mother. Like Lucas. Like everybody around her. She never tried being herself. She was chasing something that no longer existed. Her heart was never full filled. She would never be satisfied with the life she lived. Who could be living in a zombie apocalypse? Even when she was surrounded by people that loved her, people that cared about her safety, Mia was despondent. There is no god who could give her back her purity. She would never be cleaned from sin. Rotten children don't deserve heaven.
Mia felt numb to everything around her. Maggie wiped the blood from her head and face yet she couldn't feel a thing. Her eyes studied the wooden swirls on the pew in front of her. Her and Bob lied almost lifeless, for that's how they were feeling, with their people surrounding them. Carl couldn't keep his eyes off of her, like he was waiting for a reaction. For her to look at him. But she was blank.
"I was in the graveyard. Somebody knocked me out. I didn't even know Mia was out there until I saw that they took her too. I woke up outside this place. It looked like a school." Bob explained while heaving in pain. "It was that guy, Gareth. And five other ones. They were eating my leg right in front of me like it was nothing. They would've gotten Mia too if we were there any longer."
The information caused Maggie to inhale a sharp breath. She looked at Mia again but she was still spaced out. She was clearly in shock.
"All proud like they had it all figured out."
"Did they have Daryl and Carol?" Rick asked them but his focus was more on Bob.
Bob took short but quick breaths. "Gareth said they drove off." He groaned in pain again.
"He's in pain. Do we have anything?" Sasha asked in a panic. She held onto his hand tightly.
"I think there are pill packets in the first aid kit." Rosita answered from where she was sitting on the pre with Eugene.
She nodded her head but Bob objected. "Save em."
"No."
"Really."
Mia blinked her eyes and felt them water with tears. She didn't have to heart to look at Sasha's face when Bob sat up and lowered the collar of his shirt, revealing his walker bite to them. Sasha was in a state of shock as she stared at it. Then she looked at him and her face slowly contorted into sadness. "It happened at the food bank." Bob told her.
"It's okay." She whispered with teary eyes.
Everyone's faces down casted. Mia closed her eyes and slipped out a shaky breath. When Bob laid back from pain, she opened them again.
"There's a sofa in my office." Said Gabriel. "I know it's not much, but. . ."
Sasha looked at him over her shoulder. "Thank you." She responded with, not angry or yelling.
"I got him." Tyreese voiced and stood up.
Everyone stood up as he helped Bob off the floor. Rick moved forward in front of a still shocked Mia. "Mia, how are you doing?" He asked carefully.
Her eyes shifted to his face but that was the only reaction he got. There was no light in them from what Rick could see. She looked tired. It was hard to see.
"She's still in shock. She needs to rest." Said Maggie.
"Theres another sofa in the other room. It's the kids' room." Gabriel told them, pointing to the room on the right.
Carl opened his mouth to say something but he closed it again when Glenn and Maggie stood. She carefully helped Mia stand up and the married couple led her to the room. She didn't glance back once. Carl's wiped his sweaty hands on his flannel and then dragged them down his face, making them sweaty again.
Rick put his hand on his back. "Hey, she's gonna be okay."
"I should've went with her. I should've went with her." He repeated until his eyes filled with tears.
"Carl, this isn't your fault. None of us could've known—"
"But I knew. I knew she went out there and I didn't go with her!" Carl exclaimed quietly while pointing at himself. His face was bright red. "If something happened to her—"
Again, Rick stopped him. "Nothing happened to her. She's here with us. She's okay." It went silent and he studied his son's face. "I understand, okay? Completely. Just give her some time."
Car swallowed a large lump in his throat. He eyed the door of the room that they took Mia to and he had to plant his feet not go in. His dad was right. She'd just went through something traumatic. She needed space. When Judith began to cry, he quickly went and picked her up in the basket. "Shh, shh, shh." He softly spoke.
Mia lied horizontally on the soft with her legs curled up. She had her fingers close to her mouth, touching her lips, and she remained spaced out. Glenn sat by her feet. Maggie was crouched in front of her. "Mia, sweetheart, please talk to me."
On the inside, Mia wanted to break down and cry. She wanted to scream and thrash around like a kid. But she couldn't. She felt like she had nothing left in her to react. It was hard to express how she was feeling.
When Glenn realized she wasn't going to speak, he looked at his wife. "Maybe we should let her rest."
Maggie didn't want to leave her side. But in that moment, she knew he was right. "Yeah." She whispered. She put her hand over Mia's and held it there for a minute. She stood and walked out of the room with Glenn, closing the door gently behind her.
Mia brought her thumb to her lips and chewed on the skin around it. She felt her face become fuzzy and tears threatened to spill, but she just couldn't cry. She closed her eyes and prayed to fall asleep fast.
Hours passed by and Mia was still awake. She couldn't close her eyes without seeing Gareth ear Bob's leg. She couldn't shake off the fear that it could've been her next. She bit into her wrist to feel anything other than fear but it consumed her. The silence around her pricked her skin like needles. She wanted it to be over. She wanted everything to be over.
The door creaked open and Carl walked into the room. His steps were slow. "You're not asleep." He observed.
"I can't." She uttered, it being the first words she'd spoken the entire night.
A frown settled on his lips and he moved further into the room. He eyed her curled up body on the couch. It was dark but he couldn't still see her face. Terror was written all over it. Hesitating, Carl sat at the end of the couch. "What happened out there, Mia?" He asked and kept his voice at whisper level.
His voice put her into shambles. It set her bones on fire. It pained her to hear him sound so vulnerable. Mia opened her lips to talk but the words got caught in her throat. Her eyes glossed over.
"I'm right here. I'm not going anywhere." He whispered again.
She blinked and a tear slid down her cheek. "I watched my dad and sister be eaten by walkers and I couldn't do anything to stop them. My brother was torn apart right in front of me and I had to kill him. And. . . I watched Gareth eat Bob's leg and I couldn't do anything. I'm tired of feeling so hopeless."
She released a cry and Carl moved on the couch. He laid next to her and put his arm over her. He felt her shaking. "You're not helpless, Mia. You're brave. You've survived things nobody could survive. You're still here. You're still here."
All the emotions she wanted to hide unraveled because she felt safe with him. Carl let her cry. Mia allowed herself to be vulnerable with him. They understood each other.
"I thought you died." He spoke again. He stared at the top of her head. "When I saw out outside,, it was the worst feeling I've ever felt. I don't ever want to feel it again."
Mia closed her eyes and held his hand. She pressed her forehead to their palms. The first thing she remembered when she woke up was seeing him. The fear in his eyes, hearing the desperation in his voice. He was always going to be there. He was there with her. Then, Mia felt herself go to sleep.
Her slumber didn't last that long. "Mia!" Carl whispered in a panic. She slowly opened her eyes. His arm was gone from over her and he was stood from the couch. "Mia, they're here."
She didn't even have to ask what he meant. "I guess you know we're here. And we know you're here." She heard Gareth speak from outside the door. She exhaled shakily and looked to Carl with wide eyes.
He held his finger to his lips and took out his gun. He aimed it at the door.
"And we're armed. So there's really no point in hiding anymore."
"Where's everybody else?" Mia asked him, keeping her voice as quiet as possible.
"The other room." Carl answered back while still staring at the door.
"We're watching you. We know who's here. There's Bob, unless you put him out of his misery already. And Eugene. Rosita. Martin's good friend, Tyreese. Carl. Judith. And. . . Mia." Her body shivered with chills. "I told you I'd see you again, Mia. Rick and the rest walked out with a lot of your guns."
Mia was starting to panic. She stood behind Carl and held tightly onto him. She tried to steady her breathing by pressing her face to the back of his flannel. She thought about the others in room next to them, and mostly about Judith.
"Listen, we don't know where you all are, but this isn't a big place. So let's just stop this now before things get more painful than what they need to be."
It went silent for a few seconds after Gareth stopped talking. Then, Mia heard the jiggling of the doorknob. Carl had locked the door. She held onto him tighter while his grip tightened on the gun.
"Look, you're behind one of these two doors and we have more than enough firepower to take down both." Gareth raised his voice. "Can't imagine that's what y'all want. How about the priest? Father, you held up wrap this up, we'll let you walk away from this. Just open the door and you can go. You can take the baby with you. What do you say?"
Don't do it Gabriel, she was saying in her head.
Suddenly, they heard Judith start crying and Mia's body locked up. She dropped her arms and covered her mouth.
"No, no, no." Carl panicked under his voice and started lowering the gun.
Mia heard a gun go off and she flinched. Then, she heard Rick's name. "Rick, we'll fire right into that office. So you lower your gun—"
There was another gunshot and she heard Gareth yell in pain. Mia and Carl looked at each other. They stood there in silence, listening to whatever they could hear while inside the room. Suddenly, Mia heard people screaming, terrible screams, and she closed her eyes tightly.
Carl wrapped his arms around her and pulled her in. She hid her face into his shirt, the screams of people dying piercing her ears. "Come on." He whispered to her.
Holding his hand tightly, both of their palms trembling, Carl unlocked the door and they walked out of the room. Mia felt like throwing up at what she saw. Blood splattered on the walls. Bodies laid mutilated on the floor. It was a horrible sight. She looked ahead of her and saw Maggie and Glenn standing there in a state of shock like she was.
Gabriel looked at the dead bodies around him. "This is the Lord's house." He shakily spoke.
"No. It's just four walls and a roof." Maggie stated.
Mia was ten the first time she stepped foot in a church. She held her mother's hand tightly as she sat in the pew listening to the preacher speak. "God knows all of your ugliness and loves you despite." Madeline Jones told her.
Does god still love me, mama? Is my soul worth saving still?