Leah had told me about her jealousy. Like I had told her about my self-destructive tendencies.
She had experienced mine. She had experienced my anxiety too, and my insecurities, and my fears. And yet, she never once judged me or made me feel ashamed of who I was. Instead, she had shown me nothing but love, compassion, and unwavering support, even when I didn't deserve it.
Now, it was my turn to do the same for her.
"I just don't like him. He's... he's hitting on you." Leah said, while walking back into the house, visibly fleeing away from the conversation I was trying to have with her. I followed her into the kitchen, her quick feet and long legs having me almost run after her.
As I caught up with Leah in the kitchen, I could see the tension etched in her features, her brow furrowed with anger and her lips pressed into a tight line. It was clear that she was struggling with her emotions, her jealousy gnawing at her from the inside out. She pretended to be busy, wiping the already clean counter.
"He's not hitting on me, baby. He's just doing his job. You said that I had to go to therapy and I did. He's just my therapist, Leah. Nothing more." I said, trying to sound reassuring. Leah offered me a glare, before focusing her eyes on the counter again.
"I don't want you to go there anymore," she mumbled, her voice firm. She was trying to hide her insecurities with authority. Would've worked if I didn't know her as well as I do. "Just... change therapist. Go to another one."
"No. I won't, Leah. It's already hard enough for me to go, I'm not gonna change therapist because you think he's hitting on me." I replied, my voice firm. Maybe too firm. Maybe she needed love and not a fight right now. But honestly I had no idea how to manage the situation we were in.
Leah's shoulders tensed at my words, her grip tightening on the dishcloth as she struggled to maintain her composure. I could see the conflict raging within her, the battle between her insecurities and her desire to support me warring behind her eyes.
"He's just... he's trying to get close to you," Leah insisted, her voice trembling slightly as she finally turned to face me, her eyes filled with a mix of fear and anger. "I don't like it, Val. I don't like the way he looks at you, the way he talks about you. It's... it's not right."
I sighed softly, my heart aching at the sight of Leah's distress. I knew how difficult it was for her to open up about her feelings, especially when they were tinged with jealousy and insecurity. But I also knew that I couldn't let her push me away, couldn't let her dictate who I could and couldn't see.
"And I see how you look at him, I see your smile and your eyes-"
"Hey. Stop that right now. So what? I can't even be polite anymore? Huh? I'm supposed to, to be rude and dismissive just because you think he's hitting on me?" I interjected, my voice tinged with frustration. "Leah, he's just a therapist. I'm not interested in him like that. You know that. I'm not gonna be rude to him just because you don't trust me."
"I trust you." Leah immediately said.
"No, Leah. You don't. If you trusted me, you wouldn't be questioning my intentions or doubting my loyalty," I replied softly, my voice tinged with sadness. "Trust goes both ways, Leah. And right now, it feels like you don't trust me at all."
Leah avoided my gaze, again. She looked down at her feet, then back at the countertop in front of her. "What if... what if he tries something? And you call for help and no one hears? Or what if you... what if he starts to understand you, in, in a way I don't, and he takes you away from me?" Leah's voice wavered with vulnerability as she voiced her deepest fears, her eyes pleading for reassurance even as she struggled to articulate her thoughts.
I stepped closer to Leah, reaching out to gently cup her cheek, my heart aching at the raw honesty in her words. "Leah, listen to me. I understand that you're scared, and I understand why. But you have to trust me. Trust that I know where to draw the line, trust that I would never let anyone come between us. And trust that I love you and no one else."
Leah's eyes brimmed with tears as she met my gaze, her vulnerability laid bare before me. With a soft sigh, she leaned into my touch, her trembling breaths mingling with mine in the quiet kitchen.
"I'm sorry," she whispered, her voice barely above a whisper as she struggled to contain her emotions. "I'm so sorry, Val. I... I don't know why I'm like this. I want to trust you, I do. But it's just... it's so hard sometimes."
I gently wiped away the tears that trickled down Leah's cheeks, my heart aching with love and understanding for her. "It's okay, baby," I murmured, pressing a tender kiss to her forehead. "You know what I do sometimes when I get angry after a bad game? I take a minute, and I say all the things that make me angry, even if they're irrational and stupid and have nothing to do with football. Try it. Just- just say them. Whatever it is. Whatever you're thinking about, just say it. I promise I won't judge you. I won't even comment on them. Come on."
With a trembling sigh, Leah leaned into my embrace, her arms wrapping around me as she buried her face against my chest. "I'm scared," she admitted softly, her voice barely above a whisper. "Scared of losing you, of not being enough for you. Scared of... of being left behind. And I hate that I can't just, trust you completely because others fucked me over while you never did anything wrong. And I hate your therapist's glasses, and his stupid little notebook and, and his pretentious beard. I hate that he gets to spend time with you and I don't, and I hate that I'm so damn insecure all the time. And I hate that I chose him because I read his name and thought he was gonna be an old guy that... that wouldn't be a threat to me." she confessed, her voice becoming more and more steady, going from scared to angry. "I hate that I always burn the eggs in the mornings but lie and say it's how I like them. I don't. They taste like shit. And I hate that sometimes I feel like I'm drowning in my own anxiety and I hate that I can't seem to control it no matter how hard I try. I hate that I get so needy and clingy. And I hate that they're putting a new Starbucks across the street because it's gonna ruin the whole neighborhood vibe and because I'm afraid you'll start going there instead of making coffee with me in the mornings. And I hate when you say 'home' to talk about Los Angeles and not about London. I hate that I always forget to water the plants and they end up dying. And I hate when Katie calls you baby even though I know she's just joking. And I hate that I sometimes wish I could be more like her because you're always laughing when you're with her and I just feel boring next to her. And I hate your mom and hate that they changed the color of the wall in the bathroom at Meadow park because it was the perfect color to take selfies and now it looks ugly and it doesn't even cast the light right and it looks like shit in photos." When Leah finished talking, she was winded, and almost yelling. She took a few seconds to compose herself, before mumbling, her breath short; "Fuck that feels good."
As Leah poured out her heart, I listened, my heart breaking with each word that spilled from her lips. It was raw and vulnerable, filled with pain and insecurity, but also with a fierce honesty that I couldn't help but admire. And as she finished speaking, her breath coming in short, ragged gasps, I felt a surge of love and compassion wash over me, overwhelming in its intensity.
"Do you feel better now?" I asked, my voice gentle, as if afraid I was going to startle her.
Leah nodded weakly, her chest rising and falling with each shaky breath. "Yeah," she whispered, her voice barely audible above the soft hum of the refrigerator. "Yeah, I think I do."
With a soft smile, I reached out to gently stroke her hair, my touch tender and reassuring. "Do you want to talk about any of those things?"
Leah shook her head, her eyes still shimmering with unshed tears. "No, not right now," she murmured, her voice tinged with exhaustion. "I just... I needed to get it out, you know? And I needed to know that you still love me, even with all my flaws and insecurities."
My heart ached at Leah's words, filled with a fierce determination to show her just how much she meant to me. "Leah, I love you more than anything in this world," I whispered, my voice filled with sincerity. "And nothing, absolutely nothing, could ever change that. You're the most amazing person I've ever met, flaws and all, and I wouldn't trade you for anything."
Leah's eyes softened at my words, a faint smile tugging at the corners of her lips. "I'm sorry about what I said. About Katie. I love her so much. And I love that you two are such good buddies. And I know there will never be anything between you two. I just..." she sighed, unable to finish her train of thoughts.
"It's okay, baby. I understand. Sometimes I get stupidly jealous too. Over people I know you have absolutely no romantic interest in. Like... I don't know, Mary Earps, cause she hugs you when she sees you. Or even Katie, too," I replied with a soft chuckle, reaching out to gently cup Leah's cheek, my touch tender and reassuring. "But at the end of the day, it's just that. Stupid jealousy. And we both know that it doesn't mean anything."
Leah's smile widened at my words, a shy expression on her face. "The other day, I got jealous because Viv gave you a high five. Just a high-five. And Viv. The girl who's completely in love with her girlfriend."
I couldn't help but chuckle at Leah's confession, and at the absurdity of it all. "Once, I got jealous because Lotte hugged you for like, ten seconds. And I felt so stupid, because it's Lotte, one of the only straight girls in the squad. And she'd never hit on someone else's girl." I replied with a laugh, shaking my head at the ridiculousness of it all.
"I...I got jealous when you let Teyah drink from your bottle because hers was empty. I spiraled and thought you were gonna fall in love with her because she's your age and I just feel so old sometimes." Leah confessed, sniffling slightly.
I pulled Leah into a tight embrace, holding her close as she poured out her heart. "Oh, baby," I murmured, pressing a tender kiss to the top of her head. "The other day, in training when I was open and you made a cross for Stina instead of passing the ball to me, I got jealous. And I thought you wouldn't pass it to me because you thought I wasn't gonna make it a goal."
Leah let out a soft laugh at my words, my own lips turning into a grin at the simple sound. "We're a mess, aren't we?" she whispered.
"Yeah, but we're each other's mess," I replied with a soft chuckle, pressing a tender kiss to Leah's forehead. "And I wouldn't have it any other way. And I guess... I guess jealousy just makes us all a little irrational sometimes. Makes us into stupid fools sometimes." I said, and Leah giggled at my words. "Look, my therapist, I... I like him. He's helping me. And I swear baby, he's not hitting on me, and he's not trying to take advantage of me, okay? All he wants is to help me. And, and probably he wants my money too. But that's it. You don't have to be afraid or worry about me."
Leah's expression softened at my reassurance, her eyes shimmering with gratitude and relief. "Thank you, Val," she whispered, her voice filled with emotion. "I... I'm sorry for doubting you. I know you wouldn't lie to me, and I know you wouldn't let anyone hurt you."
I reached out to gently wipe away the tears that trickled down Leah's cheeks, my touch tender and reassuring. "It's okay, baby," I murmured, pressing a tender kiss to her forehead. "I understand why you were scared, and I don't blame you for it. But just know that I'm always here for you, no matter what. And I'll always love you, no matter what."
Leah leaned into my embrace, her arms wrapping around me as she buried her face against my chest. "I love you too, Val," she whispered, her voice barely above a whisper. "More than anything."