The drive home from Milton Keynes had been way easier on me than the drive there.
Leah and I talked about mostly insignificant things. We were still somehow getting to know each other. She told me her favorite song was 'Baby I'm Yours' by the Arctic Monkeys, while I told her mine was 'Sing About Me, I'm Dying of Thirst' by Kendrick Lamar.
I told her my favorite movie was The Fallout, she told me hers was 500 days of Summer.
She told me about Milton Keynes, and I told her about Los Angeles.
Then, as we approached London, she said: "Maybe one day you'll take me to your childhood house, too."
I laughed loudly at her words, before realizing they were sincere.
"What? No. No way. You're not going to Boyle Heights." I told her, my voice firm and determined.
Leah glanced over at me, a playful glint in her eyes as she responded, "Oh, come on, Valentina. Why not?"
I shook my head adamantly, my tone serious as I explained, "It's not safe, Leah. Boyle Heights isn't like the neighborhoods here. It's... rough."
Leah fell silent for a moment, her expression thoughtful as she considered my words. "Rough how?"
I sighed softly, feeling a twinge of sadness as memories of my childhood flooded back. "It's a tough neighborhood," I began, my voice tinged with emotion. "There's a lot of poverty, crime, and gang activity. It's not the kind of place you want to go wandering around in, especially if you're not from there. I- I've seen things, Leah. Things I never, ever want you to see."
Leah's expression only turned more curious at my words. She looked at me for a second, before focusing her eyes back on the road. I could sense her curiosity, her desire to understand more about the place that had shaped me into who I am today.
"What did you see?" She finally asked me the question that had burned her tongue for several minutes now. I sighed at the question.
"Leah... I don't think you wanna know the answer to that question."
Leah fell silent, sensing the weight of my words and the gravity of the memories they evoked. For a moment, the only sound in the car was the soft hum of the engine.
I glanced over at Leah, seeing the concern etched on her face. Despite my reluctance to delve into the darker aspects of my past, I knew she was genuinely interested in understanding me better.
Taking a deep breath, I began to speak, my voice soft yet tinged with a hint of sorrow. "Boyle Heights was... it was a rough place to grow up," I admitted, my gaze fixed on the road ahead as memories of my childhood flooded back. "I didn't live in the worst part of it. But I saw... violence, I saw crime, I saw dead bodies, a few times. I saw gang initiations, and rapes, and..." I stopped for a second, sighing softly. "It's not the worst place in Los Angeles. It had its good sides. But I just- I don't want you to go there. Never. And my childhood house... it's just a house. I'm sure my mom tore down my bedroom as soon as I
left so... nothing interesting to see there."
Leah listened to my words in silence, her expression shifting from curiosity to empathy as she absorbed the weight of my experiences. She didn't say a word, for the rest of the ride. I wondered if it was something I had said, or if she was just still thinking and processing my words.
As the car hummed along the familiar streets of London, a heavy silence enveloped us. I glanced over at Leah, her profile illuminated by the soft glow of the streetlights as we passed by, her expression thoughtful and contemplative. I could sense the gears turning in her mind, the weight of my words sinking in as she grappled with the harsh realities of my upbringing.
For a moment, I wrestled with the urge to fill the silence with meaningless chatter, to alleviate the heaviness that hung between us like a suffocating blanket. But something in Leah's quiet presence urged me to remain still, to allow the silence to linger.
She parked in front of her house, but didn't take her seatbelt off. She stared right ahead. I didn't say anything.
Then, she got out of the car. Surprised and concerned, I followed her. She walked to her house and opened her door, before allowing me to come in. I did. She closed the door behind us, and quickly took off her jacket and shoes. I did the same. I wasn't sure I was supposed to, but I did.
Then, she grabbed my hand and guided me to her bedroom.
Leah's actions left me feeling a mixture of confusion and concern. I followed her lead, my mind buzzing with questions and uncertainties. As we entered her bedroom, I couldn't help but feel a sense of apprehension gnawing at the edges of my thoughts.
Leah closed the door behind us, her expression unreadable as she turned to face me. Her hand still held mine, her touch grounding yet tinged with an undercurrent of intensity that left me feeling anxious.
"Leah, what's going on?" I finally spoke up, unable to contain my curiosity any longer. My voice was soft as I met her gaze, searching for answers in the depths of her eyes.
"I..." she started, then paused. I looked at her eyes, they were filled with tears. "I wanna talk to you. About what happened. About why I'm... insecure, and- and afraid." Leah's voice trembled slightly as she spoke, her vulnerability palpable in the air between us. I felt my heart ache at the sight of her tears, my own emotions raw and exposed as I reached out to gently cup her face in my hands.
"Leah," I murmured softly, my voice laced with tenderness as I wiped away her tears with my thumbs, "you don't have to be afraid with me. Whatever it is, whatever happened, I'm here for you. Always."
Leah leaned into my touch, her eyes closing briefly as she savored the warmth and comfort of my embrace. "I know," she whispered softly, her voice barely above a whisper as she opened her eyes to meet mine. "I just... it's hard...the one person I talked to about it used it against me."
I nodded in understanding, my heart aching for the pain and vulnerability she carried within her. "You don't have to talk about it if you're not ready," I assured her gently, my voice a soothing presence in the quiet intimacy of the moment. "But whenever you're ready, I'll be here. To listen. To support you. To love you. And I'll never, ever use it against you."
"I want to. I want to tell you." She whispered, and I nodded my head.
"Okay," I replied, "do you wanna go lay down?"
Leah nodded silently, her eyes shimmering with unshed tears as she took a deep breath, her grip tightening on my hand as she led me toward the bed. We sat down together, her head resting on my shoulder, my hands gently holding hers.
For a long moment, neither of us spoke. I could feel the weight of Leah's emotions pressing against my chest, the intensity of her vulnerability almost tangible as she prepared to share her innermost thoughts and fears with me.
Taking a deep breath, Leah finally broke the silence, her voice soft and hesitant as she began to speak. "My... my first girlfriend wasn't nice to me. She...manipulated me, controlled me, and made me feel small," Leah confessed, her voice trembling with emotion as she spoke. "I was young and naive, and I thought that's what love was supposed to be like. She would... force herself on me. I mean... not really, it's..." She sighed, her voice breaking into tears. "If we didn't have sex every day, she'd treat me like I was not loving her enough, like I was a bad girlfriend. She would cry, like actual tears, and tell me I was supposed to do it. Supposed to like... fulfill my role and her expectations. She just... manipulated me into thinking it was normal. And that was my first experience with love. It was toxic, suffocating, and damaging. And it left scars that I've carried with me ever since."
I listened to Leah's words with a heavy heart, feeling a surge of anger and sadness rise within me at the thought of someone hurting her in such a cruel and insidious way. I tightened my grip on her hand, offering her a silent gesture of support and solidarity as she continued to share her painful truths with me. I thought she had finished talking by then, but she hadn't.
"My second girlfriend, we lasted long. Almost 5 years. She wasn't as bad as the first one, but... she wasn't good for me either," Leah continued, her voice tinged with sadness as she delved deeper into her past. "When I told her what happened with my first girlfriend, she told me I was being dramatic. She said it was normal, and not that big of a deal, and that I should just get over it. She made me feel like my feelings weren't valid, like I was overreacting. And I started to believe her, to doubt myself and my own worth." My heart ached at Leah's words, feeling a surge of anger and indignation rise within me at the thought of someone invalidating her experiences and emotions. "She wasn't such a good girlfriend either. She was distant, and emotionally unavailable, and... she cheated on me. Multiple times." Leah's voice wavered with emotion as she spoke, her vulnerability laid bare for me to see.
I was at a loss for words at her words. Nothing could have prepared me for that. I tried to speak, but nothing came out. Until I noticed Leah's tears again. I had to say something.
"Leah, I-"
Before I could finish my sentence, Leah leaned into me, her tears flowing freely as she buried her face in my chest. I wrapped my arms around her, holding her close as she allowed herself to release the pent-up emotions that had been weighing heavily on her heart.
"I'm sorry," she whispered softly, her voice choked with tears. "I'm sorry for burdening you with all of this. I didn't mean to... I just... I needed to tell you. I needed to tell you."
I shook my head, pressing my body against hers with all my strength. "Leah, you're not burdening me," I assured her gently, trying to convey in my voice all the love I had for her. "You're sharing a part of yourself with me, and I'm grateful for that. I want to be here for you, Leah. Through the good times and the bad. I want to support you, and love you, and help you heal from the pain of your past. You're not alone in this. You'll never be alone. What happened to you... it wasn't fair, it wasn't right, and it definitely wasn't normal. You deserved better. And I'm gonna give you better. I promise you that. I will always be here for you, Leah. No matter what."
Leah lifted her head from my chest, her tear-streaked cheeks glistening in the soft glow of the room. She met my gaze, her eyes trying to find something in mine. Something telling her I was serious. And she found it.
"Than-"
I immediately stopped her, and repeated to her the exact words she had told me a few weeks ago; "Don't thank me. Never thank me for being a decent girlfriend. For doing things It'd be horrible of me not to do."
Leah's lips curved into a small, watery smile at my words, and she nodded. "Okay," she whispered softly, her voice barely above a whisper as she leaned into my embrace once again.
We stood in silence for a few minutes, my fingers gently stroking Leah's hair, while she gradually calmed her breathing.
When she rose her head again and looked right into my eyes, I offered her my most sincere smile, and gently laid a kiss on her forehead. "Feel better?" I muttered softly.
Leah nodded, a faint smile gracing her lips. "Yeah," she muttered softly.
"Do you want to keep talking about it?" I asked, and she shook her head. I smiled softly, stroking her cheek gently with my thumb. "Tired?" I asked, and she nodded again. "Come on, let's go change, yeah?"
Leah nodded in agreement, her exhaustion evident in the heavy droop of her shoulders. Together, we rose from the bed, walking towards Leah's closet. She randomly chose two of her tee shirts, handing me one and keeping one for herself. I thanked her and escaped to the bathroom to change.
The plain tee shirts Leah wore at night were already way too big on her. On me, they were basically dresses. I didn't care though. Cause they smelled like her. When I came back to the bedroom, Leah was already changed and back in her bed. I climbed on the bed to lay next to her.
She offered me a small smile, before putting her lips on mine, in a surprisingly intense kiss. It surprised me, to say the least.
At first, I kissed her back willingly. Then, I realized there was no tenderness in her kiss. No softness or warmth, just a raw intensity that seemed to stem from a place of desperation and longing. It was as if she was trying to drown out the painful memories and emotions that still lingered within her.
I immediately pulled away from the kiss, and searched for Leah's eyes. "Leah, no," I told her, gently yet firmly, once her gaze met mine. Leah's eyes widened in surprise at my sudden withdrawal, her lips parting as if to protest. "That's not what you need right now. And it's not what you want, either."
Leah's expression shifted from surprise to confusion, her eyes searching mine for understanding. "But I thought..." she began, her voice trailing off as she struggled to articulate her thoughts.
I reached out to gently cup her face in my hands, my touch tender yet resolute as I met her gaze with unwavering sincerity. "Leah, I know you're hurting. I know you're trying to escape from the pain and the memories, but this... this isn't the way," I murmured softly, my voice filled with gentle concern. "I love you. And I love kissing you. But right now, it's not what you need."
Leah's eyes glistened with unshed tears as she absorbed my words. For a moment, the room was enveloped in a heavy silence, punctuated only by the soft sound of our breathing.
"I'm sorry," Leah whispered softly, laying her head against my chest in defeat. I simply wrapped my arms around her, gently kissing her forehead. "Will you... Can you sing? For me?" She asked me.
My eyes widened at her question. "I'm not good at singing, baby," I admitted with a soft chuckle, brushing a stray strand of hair away from her face.
Leah looked up at me with a small, hopeful smile, her eyes shining with anticipation. "Please?" she murmured softly, her voice barely above a whisper.
I smiled at Leah's request, touched by her vulnerability and the trust she placed in me. Despite my reservations about my singing abilities, I couldn't resist the earnestness in her eyes. Taking a deep breath, I nodded softly.
"Alright," I replied softly, my voice gentle. Closing my eyes for a moment, I searched for the perfect song to convey the depth of my emotions and the love I felt for her. I didn't have to search for long.
The day is over, come to an end
I know your eyes are ready, you can close them
The world is heavy, so you'll need your rest
Goodnight, sleep tight, my friend
And I'll sing while you sleep
I'll cover your feet, so they're out of reach
I'll breathe when you breathe
Whatever you need
I know it feels like you're fightin' the wind
Waitin' for one of you to give in
The truth is you're stronger than you've ever been
But there's nothin' wrong with needing a hand
So I'll sing while you sleep
I'll cover your feet so they'rе out of reach
I'll breathe when you breathe
I'll breathe when you breathe
Whatever you need