Chapter 13: Phantom
Shit!
You quickly press on your gas and swerve to the right, hard, the sudden change in momentum and direction nearly causing you to lose control. The Titan's hand had swung to the left and nearly knocked you out in the process, but you were quick to react.
I'm not getting swatted again you piece of shit..!
Yelling curse words as you kick off a tree to gain momentum, you swing your arms backwards and slash into the Titan's neck. Blood, steam, a piece of flesh. Another success! Your first two kills.
Without wasting any time, you shoot your grapple hooks to the trees where Niko was, and launch yourself to safety.
"You did it!" Niko breathed a sigh of relief, colour coming back to his face.
You shoot a dirty look at the two Scouts who were gawking at you. "Useless! You need a medic to kill a Titan for you?" you yell in anger. "Get moving!"
Adrenaline coursed through your veins and your heart beat rapidly, and you're unsure if it's from your thrill from killing the Titans or your anger at the Scouts. They had one job, and they chose to remain frozen in fear while you, a doctor, had to be one to slash the Titans. You look back at Niko who had a mortified look on his face and probably never heard you swear and scream like that before.
"For a moment, I thought you were Captain Levi," Niko said, jaw still hanging open.
You scowl at him. "Haha. Funny."
Speaking of Levi, you hear wires firing near you, and Levi himself whizzes past you and Niko. You make brief eye contact, his eyes had a look of concern in them. You're covered in Titan blood, and there are two decomposing Titan bodies right below you. You wonder if Levi had seen everything.
Levi then disappears into the forest with Mikasa and towards Eren's location. Something is wrong. Mikasa lost her usual calm composure and looks like she's on the brink of a murderous rampage. You decide to focus on your patients, this was your duty.
—
You managed to catch Levi in action, engaging the Female Titan. The way he moved was so terrifyingly fast that even your eyes could not keep up, Levi was the true embodiment of pushing the limits of the human body, and you didn't know whether to be amazed or frightened. You watch as Levi pushes Mikasa out of the way of the Female Titan's hand, and when he pushes away the Titan's hand with his foot, there is a dull crunch of an ankle breaking and a pained cry from Levi.
"Levi!" you cried out before you could stop yourself, realising too late that you had addressed him by his first name in front of the Scouts.
Levi did not stop. He slices the jaw of the Female Titan with razor-like precision, allowing a bundled up Eren to slide out of its mouth. He wastes no time pulling Eren out, covered in some sort of mucus, and retreats. Erwin initiates a full retreat and in no time, you're all back on your horses and carts, headed straight for the Wall.
"Captain, your leg!" you call out and land in the cart where Levi is. Next to him is an unconscious Eren and a distressed Mikasa, desperately trying to clear the mucus off Eren and get him to breathe.
"I'm fine, check on that brat first," he grunted. Your eyes fall on Eren's figure, who looks dangerously still.
"Eren isn't breathing!" Mikasa cries in a distressed tone, and she looks up at you pleadingly.
You immediately rush to Eren's side and check on his vitals, indeed he is not breathing.
"What's wrong with that brat?" Levi asked.
"I suspect he's been deprived of oxygen in the Titan's mouth. His airway was probably obstructed by all that mucus." You said. "How long was he in that mouth?"
"About two minutes!" Mikasa said.
"I need to start CPR now, or he could risk permanent brain damage," you cleared away the mucus from his chest and mouth. Mikasa did not like the sound of permanent brain damage, and allowed you to take over completely.
Levi and Mikasa watched as you positioned yourself on top of Eren and started doing chest compressions in rhythmic pumps. You delve the palms of your hands into his chest, again and again, hoping to restart his breathing.
"Come on, Eren!" Your hair, covered in sweat and blood, falls to the sides of your face as you repeat this maneuver. Suddenly, to Levi and Mikasa's shock, you suddenly lean in extremely close to Eren's mouth, sealing your mouth over his.
"W—What are you doing?" Mikasa cried out in confusion. You had no time to explain to her that what you were doing was mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. You blow steadily and firmly into his mouth for about two seconds, before going back to chest compressions.
You didn't bother to look up at Levi's reaction, but you can tell from your peripheral vision that he has a faint look of displeasure across his face which he failed to hide. He remains in stoic silence throughout the entire thing, tensely watching for any signs of life from Eren.
You repeat this for about five more times when suddenly you hear a cough, and then a gasp for air.
"Eren!" Mikasa cries out, shaking him awake while he continues his coughing fit.
"He's breathing," you gasp in relief, and proceed to do a full checkup on the rest of his body. Pupils look normal, vitals are still a little weak, but stable. Muscle and bodily movements look normal, no sign of impairment.
"What happened..?" Eren mumbled weakly.
"Don't speak, for now focus on your breathing. Take deep breaths and relax," you instructed, holding his hand to comfort him. "His pulse and breathing is a little slower than usual, but overall, no signs of any other fatal injuries."
You can see Mikasa's tense face relax a little. After you made sure Eren continued to breathe just fine and told Mikasa to call you if anything happens, you shift your attention to Levi. As you check on his ankle, you can feel his gaze burning a hole on you.
"It looks like a sprain, we'll need to take a closer look at the ankle to check for fractures or torn ligaments," you look up at Levi, who is now grunting in pain. The adrenaline must have worn off, now causing him to feel the pain of his injured ankle.
"Hey, it's going to be okay," you soothed him, scrambling for pain relievers in your medical kit.
"Fuck," Levi grits his teeth, gripping onto this swollen ankle.
"It's not broken, you'll be fine, Captain. Just breathe, the painkillers will kick in soon," you gripped onto his hand tightly.
The ride home was a solemn silence. You also witnessed the horrifying act of the soldiers throwing the bodies of your dead comrades', including Petra's, to slow a horde of Titans chasing after you.
You didn't know that Levi's entire squad was wiped out during the battle earlier, and you were at a loss for words. You were just talking to Petra yesterday, and Oluo, Eld and Gunther as well, and you can't believe they're dead.
You thought about Petra and remembered that time you felt uncomfortable towards her behaviour with Levi, one of your first instances of jealousy. You never got to develop a closer friendship with her or find out more about why or how she got close to Levi, and here she was, dead and body thrown away like a tool. Sure, you were always rather indifferent or reserved towards her, but you never wanted this.
She was a valuable Survey Corps member and a good friend of Levi's. Now, you won't even be able to give her the proper burial she deserved.
You glance at Levi from time to time, who remains stone silent. His entire squad was annihilated except him, and you can't imagine how broken he must feel right now.
—
"Captain, here are the medical reports from today's expedition," you said as you entered Levi's office. "We were able to save five from fatal injuries, including Eren Jaeger, and attended to twenty with minor to medium-level injuries."
You purposely left out the number of the dead ones, worried that it would further worsen his mood.
You walked over to Levi's desk, documents in your hand. Erwin had requested you to update Levi on the expedition's medical reports, so here you were. Levi has not moved an inch since you came in, his eyes highly focused on his cup of tea which has gone cold. Even as you stood right in front of him and placed the papers on his desk, he did not even look up at you.
"Captain, you haven't eaten anything since we returned. Do you want me to get you something?"
"No," he replied bluntly.
"You need to eat something—"
"I said no," Levi grunted, his voice a little sharper than usual.
"Will you at least let me take a look at your ankle? We haven't changed the bandages for hours," you sighed.
"Make it quick," Levi slowly tried to get up from his chair. You quickly rushed by his side to help him walk, worried that further injury would occur to his ankle. You allowed him to sit on the couch, and fetched your medical supplies.
You kneel down and begin removing the bandage on his ankle, now red and swollen from the force of impact earlier. As you place a cold cloth on his ankle, Levi only watches you with an empty look. It hurt you to see him so sad and forlorn after witnessing the loss of his closest comrades.
After you're done, you sighed and took a seat right next to him on the couch.
"So you made two solo kills today," Levi suddenly said, breaking through the air of tension.
"Yeah, things were getting out of hand so I had to act fast," you explained. So he had seen you killing those Titans today after all.
"I thought I told you to not do anything reckless."
"You saw what was happening right? If I didn't go, no one would've-"
"I would've!" Levi suddenly snapped, causing you to flinch a little. "I would've killed the Titans and you wouldn't have to put yourself in danger like that."
You feel a trickle of heat rise up your chest, and it was not the good kind. What is up with him?
"Can't you show a little support for me?" you say as you try to swallow down your anxiety. "It wasn't easy for me to do that either, you know. I was scared as shit, but I took that risk and that's why I'm alive now."
"That same risk could've ended with you in a body bag right now."
You inhale a sharp breath, shocked with his harsh words. "How could you say that? You act like I'm purposely throwing my life away. I was hoping you'd at least be a little happy that I managed to land my first solo kill today."
"Be happy?" Levi's eyes darkened significantly. "You're more delusional than I thought."
You clutch harder into the bandages you're holding onto, trying your best to contain the emotions that have been brewing up inside you. Still, you try to stay calm as you have sensed the tension increasing every second.
"I don't mean to upset you. I know you're worried about me, but at times, some things are just out of our control," you said while simultaneously reaching out a hand to place on his shoulder.
As your palm was about to touch his shoulder, Levi backed away, avoiding your touch like it was sizzling hot. You feel your chest tighten. This was the first time Levi actively avoided your touch.
"This was a mistake."
"Sorry?" you asked, his words barely registering in your mind. Your chest tightens more.
"This—whatever was going on between us, was a mistake," Levi repeated, his tone so unsympathetically cold that you felt a chill run down your spine as soon as those words left his mouth.
"What do you mean?" you trembled, still trying your best to maintain your composure. You had to absorb Levi's words without betraying a flicker of emotion. How did things escalate this quickly?
"I can't do this with you. I can't—these emotions and feelings, I just can't."
"I thought we made our feelings for each other pretty clear the other day. How can you say this was a mistake after what we—"
"I didn't mean it. I'm sorry if I gave you the wrong impression," Levi scowled. Your furrowing brows finally betrayed the calm you've been holding in.
"Levi, what's going on? Talk to me. I know you meant it, why are you suddenly changing your mind?"
"What was I thinking, getting myself involved in something that wasn't going to last anyway," Levi hisses. The dark cloud that had been forming around Levi's head the entire night continues to swell, choking him with its suffocating darkness.
"Levi, we should talk about this."
"Stop. You can leave now," Levi places a hand on his forehead. You looked at him in disbelief, yet you refused to move an inch.
"You haven't even given me a chance to-"
"I said leave."
Once again, you found yourself at a loss for words. On one hand, you were so shaken to your core that you could barely move your lips, but on the other hand, you wanted so badly to stay and try to convince him to rethink things. You're not ready for things to end this way, and it all happened too quickly.
Seeing how you're still seated on the couch, eyes wide, mouth slightly agape, Levi clenches his jaw and gets up from his seat. "Fine, if you're not going to leave, then I will."
And with that, you watch Levi stand up from the couch and start walking away. Despite his ankle injury, he was determined to leave immediately, as if he couldn't stand being in one room with you any longer. He walks farther and farther away from you until he finally swings the office door open and leaves from your sight.
Suddenly, Levi's office feels quieter than it's ever been. After a few seconds of silence, you finally let out a shaky breath that you didn't know you had been holding. A repugnant sensation creeps into the depths of your gut, leaving you with a feeling much sicker than when you encountered Titans for the first time. The wave of nausea feels like when you're leaping off a tree with your ODM gear and your stomach feels all light and tingly, only ten times stronger and much more nauseating.
You stand up, legs slightly trembling and heart probably broken. You look at the door to where Levi had left from earlier, and gather the courage to finally leave his office. There's no use for you to remain here any longer, Levi has probably gone somewhere else and you're definitely not going to remain here and beg for him to stay.
The walk back to your room was long and silent. Despite your empty expression, a hundred thoughts swirl in your head like a relentless storm, each thought getting darker and darker with every step you take. You did everything on autopilot after that, from showering, to changing your clothes, to combing your hair, and climbing into your bed. You slowly climb into your bed and pull the covers up to your neck.
You lay still, enduring the pain that comes in waves. Before you knew it, tears were streaming down your cheeks. You don't think you'll ever understand or fathom what it feels like, this feeling of utter loneliness and hurt. You thought how could he say those words so easily to your face, how everything was a mistake.
The tears streamed endlessly, feeling hot on your cheeks and onto your pillowcase.
To him, you were a mistake — he regretted telling you his feelings. He didn't even give you the chance to speak, he didn't even want to hear you out. You suddenly found yourself wrapping your hands around your arms, as if pulling yourself into a hug, desperate for a sense of comfort. The pain is just too much. The tears sting your eyes.
Had you been expecting too much? Were you a fool for hoping that the both of you could be something more?
You cried and cried, and how much time went by after that, you do not know. You look out your window and see a sky full of stars shining above you. As you count the stars in the night sky, you slowly drift to sleep, the tears never leaving your eyes.
–
The next day, you avoided Levi like the plague.
You wake up to swollen eyes and puffy cheeks. This is not it, you groaned. After several minutes of splashing cold water on your face and compressing your eyebags with a cold spoon, it did the trick. Well, sort of.
Realising you've wasted too much trying to make yourself look like you didn't just bawl your eyes out the night before, you stomped out of your room and into the mess hall. You made sure to take the route that did not pass by Levi's office, and ate in a corner huddled up with Mario and your friends.
After that, you got right into briefing the new recruits for the Military Doctor division. Mario had taken care of most of the hiring and paperwork, and now the briefing and onboarding was up to you. You're gathered in a room with about 20-something people, all who are medics and doctors. You took a deep breath.
"Attention everyone! Congratulations for passing the test and becoming the first ever batch of Survey Corps Military Doctors. My name is Y/N L/N, Section Commander of the Survey Corps Military Doctors, and you will all be reporting to me," you spoke with an air of charismatic confidence.
Sure, you were crying your eyes out last night, but you still made time this morning to practise your speech. You then continued to brief the recruits about their roles, tasks, and HQ rules. After your speech, you lead the recruits out of the room to tour the HQ.
Unbeknownst to you, Levi was leaning against a wall nearby the briefing area. He watched as the new recruits left the briefing room, flooding the main area of the HQ and into the training grounds.
"That's her, I heard she made two solo kills on her second expedition," a young recruit whispered not-so-quietly to his friend. "And apparently she's a hotshot doctor from Sina."
"I heard she yelled at two Scouts in that expedition too," another one spoke. "She's about our age but she's already Section Commander."
"What a badass, I hope she yells at me too. Even better if she steps on me."
"What?!"
"What. You're thinking about it too. She's kinda hot."
"Hot, and smart, and assertive." Another one chimed. "Say, do you think I have a shot if I—"
"Shh! That guy's glaring at us."
"I—It's Captain Levi! Let's get out of here."
Levi watched the young male recruits break under the pressure of his relentless glare and scamper out of the hall. A nerve twitches above his eyebrow. How dare those brats talk about a Section Commander in that way. How dare they talk about you in that way.
The way you had been avoiding Levi today did not go unnoticed by him, and frankly, he thought he deserved it. You sat at an unusual spot in the mess hall today, and you looked quieter than usual. Levi felt the pressure under his eye bags deepen and he groaned. He did not get a wink of sleep last night and the fatigue was catching up to him.
Levi watches as a male and female recruit passes by him, noticing their hands intertwined lovingly. A couple, it seems. Levi begins to wonder how some have such capacity to engage in romantic ventures with the knowledge of losing their partner on the battlefield, right in front of their faces.
Yesterday's expedition served as a cruel reminder to Levi of the unforgiving nature of this world he inhabits. A brutal kick to the face. The loss of his squad reminds me of just how temporary people are, and how quickly connections can be severed. And it's not even their fault, it's just how this world is.
Images of Isabel and Farlan haunted his mind, the empty looks of their dead faces boring into Levi's eyes. Then, it was Petra, and Oluo, and the rest of his squad. How many people was he unable to save? And how many people had left him to his own accord, alone in this dark world?
Over the years, Levi began to realise that people in this world were akin to phantoms — Dark, elusive, and fleeting. They are something apparent to a sense, but don't seem to have a substantial existence in this world. Like a figment of the imagination, they vanish as quickly as they appeared.
First, it was his mother who disappeared. Then, Kenny had left him too. Then Isabel, Farlan, and the countless comrades he had worked with since entering the Scouts. Then Oluo, Eld, Petra, Gunther, and next, you.
That night, Levi asked a lot of questions that he himself could not answer. Why does this always happen to him? It's as if it was his destiny to relive the same pain over and over again, like a vicious time loop.
So when he saw you standing above those bloodied Titans yesterday, it served a reminder to him of how quickly you could fade away too. Just like everyone else. And when you tried to reach out to him last night, Levi felt like he had no choice but to push you away.
He realised he had been too indulgent, too obliging. All those times he spent by your side, getting to know you, giving you pieces of him, and even daring to embrace you and kiss you. Maybe he was taking more than he should, stepping over his own boundaries, and now, he needs to know his place and let go.
Perhaps this was for the best, for the both of you. Before you get too involved with him, before he falls any deeper for you, because god knows what he would do should the day come when you are no longer with him and become a phantom, just like the others.
That night, if Levi had not interrupted you and told you to leave, he would've done something he'd regret. The look you had on your face was one he couldn't bear, the way your eyes seemed to plead for him to stay and was brimming with heart-breaking sadness.
He wanted so badly to just say fuck it and hold you close and dear in his embrace and never let go. But he knew better than to hold on to temporary things, to phantoms. And so, he left before you could even get a glimpse of how broken he really was.
With a heavy feeling in his chest, Levi watches as you lead the doe-eyed recruits into the training field, taking over their hearts with your charismatic leadership. At the back of his mind, he silently tries to convince himself that he made the right choice.
—
"Romberg, your legs are too stiff. Loosen them up a little."
"Yes, Section Commander!"
"Catarina, I thought you're on patient duty today?"
"I am? Oh wait.. yes I am! Apologies Section Commander, I'm going now!"
You groaned and massaged your temples, it's been a long day of training. A few days passed by swiftly and you've been giving your all to train the new recruits in the HQ, from hands-on medical training on the field to ODM gear training.
Meanwhile, something huge has been going on in the Survey Corps, or throughout all factions. You heard from Niko that Eren had been detained and the other 104th Cadet Corps members had been sent to Wall Rose. There was a huge battle and discovery in Stohess District, where Annie Leonhart was revealed to be the Female Titan. Apparently she's locked up in some sort of crystal and investigations are futile, and Erwin had just been released from questioning today.
Luckily, due to this mess, you were able to seamlessly avoid Levi these past few days, you were sure he had been in and out of Wall Sina with Erwin to settle matters. You've also been extra busy with training new recruits and tending to the massive casualties following the Stohess District battle.
In the past few days, you tried your best to keep Levi out of your mind. Your initial sadness slowly brewed into frustration, and then anger. You're angry that Levi didn't even let you speak up that time, and he swiftly made a decision for the both of you without even considering how you felt about it. Heck, he didn't even properly explain himself for acting that way.
After you dismissed the recruits after their afternoon training, you went upstairs to your office. That's right, your new office. Since you and Mario are stepping up as Section Commanders, you've been given your own offices. It's not big, but it's spacious enough for you. A simple rectangular room with a neat oakwood desk, bookshelves stacked with medical textbooks and files, a couch, and a medical examination area blocked off by a curtain.
You sit down on your desk and sigh. Just as you're about to begin sorting through some patient files, you hear your door open suddenly. A nerve twitches above your eyebrow. "Ever heard of knocking?"
"Section Commander, I know you're really busy but Commander Erwin has requested you to take a look at Captain Levi in his office," a male Survey Corps member insisted.
You groaned. "I thought I told them that I had that new recruit Catarina take over for me. It's just a torn ligament, I'm sure even a first year medic can handle that."
"Yes, but Commander Erwin specifically requested for you," the male insisted.
"No. Go away, I'm busy."
"Section Commander, please. I'm going to get fired."
"Ugh. Fine," you scowl and get up from your desk. What is Erwin playing at? You specifically assigned the new recruit Catarina to handle Levi's ankle so you could avoid him, but it seems like things weren't as easy as you thought. You got up from your desk to see what was going on, just in case Levi's ankle had worsened. Did that recruit mess up his ankle or something?
You walk into his office nonchalantly, acting like you didn't nearly have a mental breakdown here just a few days ago. You spotted Levi and Erwin sitting together around a table.
"Oi, you assigned me another medic without telling me?" Levi muttered. "That brat almost messed up my ankle." Those were the first words he's spoken to you in a few days, and frankly, you're not very impressed.
"I'll make sure she gets reprimanded then," you replied without batting an eyelid.
"That's not the point, you didn't even tell me," Levi crossed his arms.
"I have many other things to attend to besides your ankle."
Erwin makes a nearly inaudible hum in his throat as he observes the interaction between you and Levi with considerable interest.
"Commander, how can I help you?" you shifted to a much more polite, gentle tone as you spoke to Erwin.
"Don't worry, I won't make you stay just to attend to his ankle. I have some very important updates," Erwin smiled. "There were Titans spotted south of Wall Rose and as we speak, our Scouts are on the move to investigate. I'll need some of your medics on standby at the HQ for tonight, things might get messy."
"Titans? Has there been a breach?" you asked.
"They're investigating the Wall for any holes. Our situation has.. changed. I'd also like you to expedite the training for the Military Doctors, we might engage our enemies in battle sooner than I expected. Please come to my office tomorrow evening to report again."
"On it," you nodded and got ready to leave to inform the medics for standby.
"Before you go, please take a look at his ankle, he's been complaining all day. I need Levi to be in his top-shape asap," Erwin kindly requested. You groaned internally, but how can you refuse Commander Erwin's request.
"Yes, Commander," you nodded.
"Good, I'll be taking my leave first. I need to investigate something," he smiles and gets up to leave the room, causing you to panic and internally beg for him to stay.
Erwin, if you can read minds, please don't leave me in this room alone with this man. No, come back!
To your disappointment, Erwin does not seem to have mind reading skills.
Without another word, you clear your throat and got to work right away. The sooner you finish the checkup, the sooner you can leave and avoid Levi. You're in the middle of pressing a finger on his ankle when suddenly, you feel him flinch and hiss in pain.
"Sorry," you mumbled an apology and worked on his ankle without making eye contact. After a few minutes of awkward shuffling and assessing, you finally stood up.
"Your ankle is healing normally, just don't engage in any strenuous activity for at least another week," you said.
"Thanks." Levi replied. Alright, you're done here. You quickly stood up and turned around, ready to leave.
"Wait," Levi suddenly said, making you freeze for just a split second.
It seems like he wants to talk, but you're simply not in the mood. Involuntarily, you remembered one of his last words to you that night, how he told you to leave. You narrow your eyes, the anger and emotions building up within you from the past few days starting to rise again.
You turn around and glare at him coldly. "I thought you told me to leave."
Something flashes across Levi's expression, causing him to flinch. With that, you tear your eyes away from him and walk out of the room.
I can't do this today, you thought. You can't bear to withstand it if he says anything more hurtful than last time, so you left.