Chapter 11 - Crush
Your ex-classmate and ex-colleague from the previous hospital you used to work at. Your ex-crush and ex-potential boyfriend. Wavy blond hair, stunning blue eyes like pools of sapphire – he looked as charming as always. You last saw him on the day you left for the Survey Corps, and wondered why the hell he was here.
"Luca?" your eyes widened, turning to greet him fully.
"Nice to see you again," he smirked. "I'll have you know that Wall Rose General Hospital has not burnt down since you left."
Levi darts his eyes from the strange, blond man and to you. Back to him again, then you again. Who is this man and why does he know you?
He flickers his gaze to you, questioning and waiting.
"Ah, Captain, this is Luca Steinhauser. He's my ex-colleague and friend from Wall Rose General," you introduced Luca to him. Levi silently notes how tall he is. "Luca, this is Captain Levi, kind of my boss in the Survey Corps."
"It's an honour to meet you in person, Captain Levi of the Scouts," Luca salutes and beams nervously.
"Likewise, Y/N's friend," he said in a flat tone. Levi was quick to sense the blond man's impatience to talk to you alone and catch up. It bothered him too that you looked eager to talk to him as well. Not wanting to be an unwelcome presence between a reunion of two friends, Levi says he will leave the two of you alone.
"I haven't seen you in so long," he said, big blue eyes brimming with joy, "I can't believe you're becoming a Section Commander!"
"Yeah, it's been a crazy journey. How are things back in the hospital?"
"Oh same as usual, the interns miss you," he said. "Also, you look great tonight!"
Yet another man added to Levi's mental hit-list. He can still hear your conversation with Luca from the distance. It's not that he wanted to eavesdrop, he just can't help but listen in. Completely by accident and against his will.
It disturbed him to see a random blond boy fluttering all over you, offering you a glass of champagne. What's with you and blond boys? You were attracting them like moths to a flame. First it was Mario, then it was Erwin, now Luca? Well, Erwin didn't really count, but Levi did feel a pang of jealousy when he found out he picked your dress for you.
You've been talking to Luca for the past fifteen minutes, the longest time you've spoken to a single guest all night. This blond dude was practically checking you out and touching your shoulder too, and you somehow did not seem to mind. You laughed for like the tenth time in a minute and Levi wondered what you two could be talking about that was so exciting.
"Luca Steinhauser," a random voice chirped behind Levi, as if answering his thoughts. Levi glared at the person who suddenly intruded his personal space. It was Mario, happily chewing on a piece of lemon tart.
"What?" Levi said.
"That chatty blond dude," Mario continued. "His name is Luca Steinhauser. I heard he works at her previous hospital."
"I know that."
"I heard he recently got promoted to head of general surgery in his hospital, so he's attending this dinner as a representative for his hospital."
"Why are you telling me this?"
Mario ignores him and continues talking. "And I heard that he used to have a crush on her."
A ripple broke throughout Levi's previously unperturbed expression. His eyebrows were furrowing so hard he thought he'd get a facial cramp.
"Nosey brat. Who knew you were such a gossiper," Levi scoffed.
"Hey, I'm only telling this to you, Captain!" Mario cried. However, Mario was still not satisfied with his reaction. Being the perceptive and observant person he was, Mario already noticed your tension with the Captain ages ago, although you never admitted to it. He knew you were both in denial of your feelings. As your best friend, Mario already knew the history of your relationship with Luca and how you used to like each other, but never pursued a relationship. However, he wasn't going to reveal that to Levi. Your relationship with Luca was still your own story to tell. All he could do now was to inform Levi of Luca's feelings for you, giving him the push he needs.
"So obvious that he still likes her," Mario mutters, to which Levi responded with a hard finger flick to Mario's forehead.
"Stop yapping or I'll shove a boot in your mouth. How would you even know?"
"I–I mean isn't it obvious? Look at the way he's clinging on to her and looking at her," Mario whimpered, rubbing his forehead.
Levi looked at the two of you once again, who were happily chatting away. You, however, looked too chirpy and were laughing a little more than usual. Luca's hand that was previously on your shoulder, suddenly made its way down to your waist. Levi felt his blood boil and was so close to striding over to you both to give Luca his infamous kick.
He used to like you? And possibly still do?
Levi could not even begin to describe how he felt, seeing you with another man who can make you laugh harder than he ever could. A sick twisted feeling enveloped his gut and made him feel a little weak. He shouldn't have left you alone with him.
Levi was holding himself back from pulling you out of this damn party, but the final straw was when he saw Luca take you by the hand, and lead you away from the crowd into a secluded area.
Oh no you don't.
Behind the scene, Mario smirks and takes another bite of his lemon tart.
—
You were feeling a little bit giddy and you knew it was the alcohol talking. Have you always been this lightweight?
You spent the last twenty minutes catching up with Luca. It was difficult to not get reminded of Johanne as you were talking with him. After all, she had brought him up multiple times during your scuffle with her last time. You also knew Johanne was present at this sponsorship dinner, and you're sure she had already seen you talking with Luca.
It was also difficult to ignore the way Luca was looking at you tonight. His blue eyes were glazed over, cheeks roseate from the alcohol, mind barely lucid. He's tipsy, and over time, he stopped caring about constraining himself. You knew something was up from the way he kept trying to find excuses to touch you – from gentle brushes of your hands when passing glasses to friendly pats on your shoulder.
"If I want to tell you something.. shocking tonight, will you listen to me?" he asked, taking a step closer to you until you're able to catch the masculine scent of his cologne. It smelled fresh, spicy – like bergamot and amber.
"Depends what it's about," you tilted your head. "If it's about workplace gossip in Wall Rose General, maybe I'd listen."
Luca chuckles. "No gossip, unfortunately, but I probably still need to take you somewhere quieter to talk. Otherwise, it would really turn to gossip if people overhear what I have to say."
"Ooh, is it some sort of secret?"
"Yes, it is," Luca breathes.
You let him lead you into the balcony outside, heart restless and mind swimming with thoughts. Is this really what you think is going to be?
Outside, you feel the chill wind of the night air blowing your hair and dress. It is indeed quieter outside. No one wants to be out here where it's cold. You set your glass of alcohol by the balcony railing and look at Luca.
Taking a deep breath, he looks into your eyes, his own filled with sincerity. "The secret I'm about to tell you.. It's—ah, I don't know how to say this."
Ah, fuck. Is he going to—
"You're in my head, even all this time."
Shit.
"Pardon?" you blinked.
"I know we had.. history. Back then, we put our feelings aside and chose to focus on school and our career, which made sense back then, but lately I.. I can't stop thinking about what would have happened if we—if we didn't."
You remained silent, waiting for him to keep going.
"Maybe it's because you left Wall Rose General and I suddenly realised how—how much I hate not having you around and how different things are without you. Maybe my feelings for you returned and it took you leaving for the Survey Corps for me to realise it, but I can't pretend anymore," Luca confessed, words hesitant but genuine, pink blooming on his cheeks.
"Luca..." you started.
"I don't know what I'm even thinking, saying this to you now, but I needed to tell you that I still deeply care for you the way I used to, and I wish things had been different. I wish I fought for us to try despite having medical school and a career in the way."
"Luca, I.. I don't know what to say," you said, completely taken aback by his sudden love bomb. "It wasn't your fault that things didn't work out, we both mutually agreed to not pursue anything. Besides, I'm glad that we're able to remain friends until now, and I wouldn't trade our friendship for anything else."
"And what if I want to be more than friends?"
–
Unbeknownst to you two, Levi was quietly listening not too far behind. Levi did not like the situation at all. A tipsy man leading a tipsy woman out of the crowd into a quiet location to talk? Nope.
Levi knew that as a fully-fledged soldier, you were more than capable to handle yourself if anything were to happen, but he was not willing to risk the chance and followed you out, just in case. It especially did not help that Mario was buzzing around Levi like a bee and coming up with anxiety-triggering scenarios, which finally urged Levi to stride over.
Behind a wall, Levi listened to your silence. He mentally braced himself for what was to come. If you accepted his confession, Levi wouldn't know what to do. What would he do with all these feelings? What would happen to him and you?
–
You cast your gaze downwards, not sure what to say. A specific person crossed your mind. A certain jet-black haired man with thundery grey eyes and nerves of steel. Your Captain often occupied your mind in the strangest and most random of situations, even now?
"Luca.. I don't think I can give you what you're looking for. I'm in the Survey Corps now, and you know what the nature of our job is like," you said, expression turning dark.
"Is there any way I can convince you?" he asked, his eyes a hazy, blurred shade of blue.
"Sorry," you managed an empathetic smile.
"Is there—someone else?"
Your chest tightens.
"There is.. isn't there?" Luca asked, growing hesitant after observing your silence.
"Yes," you nodded. "I'm grateful for our friendship and for you telling me all of this, but I—I can't."
Levi almost choked on his spit after hearing this. You like someone else? Who? Since when? What.
"Ah.. Who's the lucky man?" he asked playfully to diffuse the tension, although his eyes still brimmed with disappointment.
"I can't tell you that," you smiled back.
"Do I know him?" Luca leaned against the railing of the balcony, smiling faintly.
"Maybe.. maybe not. I'm sorry I can't return your feelings. I hope this doesn't change anything about our friendship."
"I understand," Luca breathes. "Thank you for listening to me. It felt.. good to finally tell you how I feel. And of course, we are still friends. I'm not that shallow, you know."
You giggled, and downed your glass of champagne.
–
Levi was taken aback by the doctor's response. Who did you like? It can't be Mario, could it? Or worse, Erwin?
The conversation between the two eventually shifted to lighter topics, yet he could still sense the unspoken tension lingering. Luca responded to your rejection better than he expected. Some men would react violently to rejection, using verbal harassment or physical violence to teach the woman a lesson for turning them down. The bar was on the floor.
The conversation ended not too long after. You didn't reveal the man you had eyes for, only giving Luca extremely vague answers or redirecting the conversation. Thankfully, you both were able to end things on a good note, agreeing to remain friends and keeping in touch.
Levi left shortly after, racking his brain on what you just said. Could you be talking about him? He hadn't thought about including himself, it sounded absurd. Was it really possible that he was the one you liked? So did that hug mean something after all?
–
Levi watched as you scampered away back into the crowd to your friends, looking a little flustered.
"Where have you been?" Eren inquired.
"Just went out for some fresh air," you said.
"We saw you with a guy though," Jean raised his eyebrow.
"What were you doing?" Eren asked curiously.
"Apparently he confessed to me," you said, grabbing a glass of wine from Mario and gulping it down.
"What??" Eren, Jean, Mikasa, and Armin cried simultaneously, drawing a few dirty glances from the nobles nearby.
"Oh my god, shut up," you cringed and quieted down the group. Thank god Connie or Sasha wasn't around or they would have done somersaults right there and then.
"Who confessed?" Armin asked.
"It was Luca!" Mario chirped, already drunk on wine. "Her ex-colleague."
"Do you want to die?" you grinned at Mario while holding up a fist. He cowered and poured you another glass of wine. Meanwhile, your friends were hollering with excitement.
"I rejected him. Nothing to get excited over."
After talking with your friends and mingling with more guests, the night was coming to an end soon. You were already on the edge of your sanity. One more glass of wine and you're sure that you'll start pole dancing in the middle of the event hall.
You quickly excused yourself and went upstairs – into the comfort of your dressing room. The dressing room was empty and dimly lit by a few candles, you found it the perfect, serene place to calm down.
While he was talking to Hange, Levi saw you climbing the stairs in a rather concerning manner. Your gait was wobbly and your face was as pink as a cherry. Worried, Levi grabbed a glass of water and went upstairs to check on you. When he entered the dressing room, he found you sitting in front of a vanity mirror, staring at your own reflection with blank eyes.
"Are you alright?" he asked.
You didn't respond.
Levi entered the room and set down the glass of water next to you. You continued staring into the mirror, as if waiting for something to come out of it. Suddenly, you dipped two fingers into the glass of water, took your fingers back out, and sucked on your fingers.
"Okay, you're definitely wasted as shit," Levi muttered.
"What? I'm drinking water," you stated like it was obvious. The world around you was blurry and in bokeh lights. You knew the person standing beside you was Captain Levi, it just didn't bother you that much.
Levi pulled a stool to sit down next to you. He lifted up the glass of water in an attempt to try to get you to drink and sober up. Surprisingly, you complied and drank from the glass he was holding.
"People suck," you blurted out.
"Mhm."
"People suck."
"I heard that."
"I'm tired of socialising with snotty nobles. They suck."
You suddenly turned towards Levi and leaned in to take a good look at his face.
"Except you, you don't suck," you mumbled.
"Thanks?"
You don't move your face away from him. Somehow in this dim lighting, Levi looked very attractive to you. Actually, you've always found him attractive, but for some reason right now, you found him extra, extra attractive. His dark hair was a little tousled, his tie slightly loosened. His eyes, sharp and striking as always. God, this man is so, so pretty, you wanted to devour him and have him all to yourself.
You suddenly flung yourself to his arms, catching him by surprise.
"What are you doing?" Levi scowled.
"Hugging you, Captain," you mumbled.
"I can see that, but what are you doing?" Levi stuttered, completely out of his mind. Your body felt abundantly warm. When he caught you in his arms, his hands made contact with your warm, bare back. The skin against skin contact was too much to handle. Levi heard you sigh, and you suddenly pulled away from the hug. Unexpectedly, you grabbed his face with both hands and pulled him closer.
"What—" Levi cried out, heart pounding rapidly.
With Levi's face in between your hands, you stared at him with a very intense, yet unfocused gaze. Levi was at a loss for words.
"Stop it," you said in a serious tone.
"Stop what?"
"Stop being so cute."
"What?"
That was indeed a first. Levi had never been called cute, ever. He didn't know whether to scrunch up his nose in concern or bask in the compliment. Is it a compliment?
"If you keep being this cute, I don't know how much longer I can hold myself back," you said, eyes hazy and jaded from the alcohol. When you got no response from Levi, you scrunched up your nose in annoyance. Suddenly, you stood up and sat on Levi's lap.
"Doctor, this is—" Levi's eyes widened.
You pulled him close, and snuggled your face into his neck while sitting on his lap, eliciting a small but audible gasp from Levi. Heat shot up his face.
"Captain, you always smell good," you mumbled as you started to snuggle your face closer to his, at this point rubbing your cheeks against his.
"Please—don't," Levi groaned, shivering from your touch, but you were a lost cause, like a puppy that broke away from a leash and is now smothering its master with affection. Levi began to feel lightheaded himself from the sudden close contact, not sure what to do with you all over him. He felt like he was going to faint.
"You're stupidly drunk, we need to get you home," Levi muttered in your ear. You stopped for a moment and looked into his eyes. He wonders why he hasn't pushed you off his lap yet.
"My ex-crush confessed to me today," you suddenly said.
"..."
"He said he liked me back and wanted to be.. more than friends."
"What did you tell him?" Levi asked, surprised by this sudden topic.
"I turned him down."
"Why?" Levi breathes. A part of him wanted to ask you who you were referring to when you said you liked someone in the Survey Corps, but he held back.
"Because—I don't know," you mumbled. "I was thinking about you."
Levi stiffens, pulse racing. You're so close. You're sitting on top of him. He can feel your heat, your skin against his.
"Captain, do you think about me too?"
Looking at your flushed face and dazed expression, Levi could not even begin to describe how irresistable you looked at the moment. He wanted to lose himself in you. To tie his arms around you and keep you all to himself. If he showed you just how much he really liked you, would you run away?
Levi smiled. You're probably too drunk to remember this anyway.
"I do. All the time," he said softly and pushed a strand of hair behind your ear.
And then, without warning, you closed the distance and kissed him on the cheek, dangerously close to where his lips were.
Levi froze. With every passing minute, you continue to surprise him more and more.
You were still on his lap, and even after you pulled your warm lips away, he felt tingling sensations on where your lips left. He could kiss you right now. On the lips. He wanted to, so badly, but he didn't want to take advantage of your drunken stupor.
Levi heard footsteps approaching the room and gently lifted you up from his lap, making you sit down on a chair. As soon as you sat down, you closed your eyes and dozed off. How could you just kiss someone like that and fall asleep, Levi asked himself.
Hange walked into the room soon after that, and informed Levi that they're returning to the Survey Corps HQ soon.
"What happened here?" Hange asked, glancing at you.
"Walked all the way up here and collapsed on her chair. Went to check on her in case she accidentally locked herself in the room," Levi said.
With the help of Hange, Levi carried you down the stairs and into the carriage.
"Seems like our two event ambassadors have been busy," Erwin chuckled, looking in the direction of you and Mario, both drunk out of your minds and asleep in the carriage.
"Poor things, let's give them an off day tomorrow," Hange sighed.
Throughout the carriage ride back to the HQ, Levi stared out the window, replaying scenes in his mind. A blush crept up his cheek when he thought about how you climbed onto his lap and snuggled into him. He wondered if you'd remember all this tomorrow.
—
The next morning, you were woken up by a stubborn throbbing in your head. Your eyes fluttered open, you were in your room back in the HQ. You looked around your room, a little confused. You don't remember how you got here last night. All you knew was that your head hurts like shit and your mouth is dry and parched. Hangover symptoms. You were still in your navy blue dress too from the night before.
Then, the memories came flooding back. The sponsorship dinner, drinking champagne and wine, Luca confessing to you, hugging and kissing Captain Levi—wait.
Hugging and kissing Captain Levi?
Your mind did a hard rewind and you sat up immediately. No way. That was just a dream right?
You've heard stories from your friends about their crazy party nights and how they would drink until they blackout, and not remembering a single thing the next day. Bullshit, because you clearly still remember everything. You remember hugging him in your drunken state, sitting on his lap, nuzzling your face into him, and kissing his cheek..?
No.
This can't be real.
You let out a high-pitched squeal of embarrassment and buried your face into your pillow, legs thrashing up and down the bed.
Last night, you were fully conscious and aware of what was happening, you just somehow had no brakes and zero filter. It was like a switch in your brain malfunctioned and you let hell all loose. You knew it was Captain Levi you were talking to, you just didn't give a fuck about what you said or what you did to him.
You had to apologise to him.
After several more minutes of punching the pillow and rolling around your bed, you finally gathered enough willpower to get up. You wished you could curl up and hide under your blanket for the rest of your life, but you need to face the real world.
You found a note on your desk that said:
Good job last night! :)
Take the day off today, you deserve it, Section Commander!
- Hange
You wondered if you should take this chance to just stay in bed and avoid Levi.
–
You stood in front of Captain Levi's office.
One fisted hand already halfway up, ready to knock. Should I do it? While showering, you've recited several possible things to say once you see him, and imagined several different scenarios of the outcome. Last night, in a way, you had revealed to Captain Levi of your adoration towards him. Technically, a confession.
Now, the Captain surely knows. Embarrassed and ashamed of your behaviour, you wanted to apologise. Except now that you're in front of his office, you've frozen.
You pivoted on your heel and made a 90 degree turn. Then, you made a dash.
You ran away.
In the end, you decided that taking the day off will only make you think about last night even more. You headed straight for the soldier's medical ward and tended to patients. You realise that you haven't done a surgery in a long time, and decided that a thrilling surgery is just what you needed today.
–
"Doctor, he's got blood in his oesophagus," a nurse called out to you.
"A variceal bleed," you responded, quickly tending to the unconscious soldier. A nurse assisted you in hanging up a saline drip for the patient and you started inserting a device down his throat, attempting to stop the ruptured vein.
Within a few moments of twisting and turning the device, you were able to stabilise the bleed.
"Alright, he's stable," you said, allowing the nurse to finish up.
You left this patient and immediately tended to another with a deep gash on his forehead.
"Sir, may I have your name?" you asked while busily preparing a set of alcohol wipes and gauze.
"F-Ferdinand," the patient groaned and you double checked his chart. He hit his head from ODM gear training.
"Alright sir, I'm going to take a look at your eyes," you said and opened his eyelid with a gloved finger. Pupils look normal. You picked up a metal tray, when suddenly, a familiar figure appeared in your peripheral. It was..
Captain Levi?
You gasped in shock and unconsciously let go of the tray you were holding. The metal tray landed on the floor with a loud clang.
What is he doing here? No. How did he know you were in here?
Meanwhile, Levi looked unfazed by the metal tray you just dropped, maintaining a stoic, unamused expression.
"Doctor, is everything okay?" a nurse rushed beside you to check on the loud noise.
"E–everything's fine," you said, still staring at Levi. The nurse glanced at you and Levi in confusion.
"Don't mind me. Finish up what you're doing. I'll wait outside," Levi said. He didn't look angry nor did he look happy either. You couldn't tell what he was feeling.
"Did you want to talk about something?" you asked as you picked up the fallen tray.
Levi only turned around and left.
You gulped.
"Hey! I need some help here," the patient groaned.
"Sorry! Right away!"
Oh god, you were going to get reprimanded by the Captain.
–
2 hours earlier.
Levi paced around his office back and forth. He was somehow expecting you to stop by his office after what happened last night, but you never came. He knows you've been given an off-day today, but you were nowhere to be found. He would never admit it, but he had actually gone looking for you around the HQ. Now, back at the office, he wondered where you could have gone and why you haven't stopped by his office yet. Were you.. avoiding him?
He waited for another hour and still, you haven't come by. Finally, he decided to ask around about where you were.
"I saw her going to the medical ward this morning. I heard her talking about having a surgery today," Eren said.
Surgery? You decided to casually go into the medical ward today to do surgery? Levi was flabbergasted.
And that's how Levi ended up sitting in the patients waiting room of the medical ward, waiting for you. He wasn't even sure why he went looking for you. It's not like he had any intentions to scold you or anything. He continued to watch you in your white coat intently, flocking around your patients.
"Sir, can I help you with anything?" a nurse asked him meekly, wondering what the Captain was doing in the waiting room.
"Tell Doctor Y/N to hurry up," he grumbled.
—
"Captain? Can I help you with anything?" you asked nonchalantly.
"That's the fifth time someone asked me that in here," Levi huffed.
"Well, this is a medical ward after all," you laughed nervously.
"Aren't you supposed to take the day off?"
"Yeah, but I feel fine."
"Sure about that? You were pretty drunk yesterday," Levi raised a brow.
"I.. well," you stuttered. He's so straightforward today. You pray that Levi was somehow just as drunk last night and won't remember your actions. Seeing you squirm, Levi felt a faint smirk tug on his lips.
"Should you be operating when you're having a hangover?" Levi asked, arms folded.
"I feel perfectly fine, Captain," you assured him, "Mario gave me hangover soup this morning."
Oh? So you had time to meet Mario this morning for hangover soup but didn't bother to see him after what happened?
"Do you have something to say to me?" Levi asked. He wanted to watch you squirm a little more.
"Say what?" you were bad at hiding your emotions in front of Levi.
"So you really don't remember anything?" Levi asked almost playfully, taking a step closer to you.
After what seemed like several seconds of silence and an internal battle inside your mind, you finally decided to act.
—
"What do you think you're doing?" Levi protested as you dragged him by his wrist all the way from the medical wards and into his office.
"I don't want the other doctors or Scouts to hear us," you said, closing the door behind you and breathing heavily. "I figured if we were going to talk, we should do it somewhere more private. You know how the gossip mill works around here."
Levi crossed his arms at your antics. Now that you're in Levi's office, you somehow felt more secure talking about last night.
"I would like to apologise!" you declared, bowing your head down. "I must have made you really uncomfortable last night, and there's no excuse for my childish behaviour. It was inappropriate and out of character. I know this is the second time I'm apologising for misconduct, but I really am sorry, Captain."
You kept your eyes closed and hoped for the best. Suddenly, you heard a small chuckle. You opened your eyes and saw a tender smile on Levi's face.
"I never asked for an apology," he said, feeling a little guilty for making you so worried until you burst out an apology.
"You didn't?" you stood back upright. "You asked if I had something to say to you."
"I didn't ask for an apology, did I?"
"Oh, but still, I must apologise anyway. I must have been out of my mind last night. I'm really sorry for doing all that."
"I admit, it was.. interesting," Levi said, maintaining a stoic expression once again.
"Please don't say that.. I'd do anything to turn back time and take back everything I did," you blushed in embarrassment and fidgeted with your white coat.
"Take back what you did?" Levi frowned, a little disappointed. About how you said he was cute and how you thought about him? You wanted to take back what you did to him? So did that mean nothing to you at all?
"... Yes."
"What if I don't want you to?"
"What?" you blinked.
"What if I don't want you to.. take back what you did?"
"I'm sorry, I don't quite understand. You're not mad with what—what I did?" you asked, eyebrows raised.
"I didn't mind it," he said in a voice that was almost too small for you to catch.
"?!"