I take him deep into the forest, where my promises lay.
I told Ash a long time ago that I would show him my place in the woods, where I climb trees until I touch the skies. I do not tell him that Julian comes here to add to his small book on birds. I assume that is a secret he would like to keep to himself (even Ryan is not aware of it).
The forest sings memories of the first evening that Julian and I arrived here.
I was always yelling.
I did not know how to live with him. It was difficult to adjust to, when I was accustomed to my mother's bare presence, either of her distance or her shouting. I was also very used to fending for myself, making meals, and cleaning until I forgot to do all those things. Then Julian took on these responsibilities. I wouldn't say I liked it.
He would do these things because he wanted to. I was not used to it. So, I fought with him. I was not used to this newfound assistance, to this newfound support and care he gave me. I pretended to hate it.
After a long day of sore throats and lost tears, Julian knocked on my door and forced me to stand outside. I waited for him. He joined me with his small book and his phone. He told me we would go on an adventure to the forest. It was quiet, the sounds of our feet crushing the ground beneath us and our hesitant breaths the only sound for miles.
Julian reassured me then, when we arrived at these woods, that there would be peace. It would be okay.
I do not tell Ashton this. I let him basket the view and make up his own meaning of the area. Make it his own.
He turns to me after the breeze of hair washes through us. He smiles.
"Can we climb now?"
I grin in response. We find a stable trunk, one that I do not remember if I have climbed before. We find safe footing and then we climb and climb, and we do not stop. At first, it is a race, we pant, and we grin, and our laughter can be heard. Then our steps are careful, we wait for each other, we guide. I tell him where to slide his hands, he waits for me to catch up with him.
When we are as high as we can go, with the sun not far from our fingertips, we rest.
Well, we do not really rest. We are so high from the ground, so we cling to each other and stable bark beside us. Here, we talk.
Ashton brings up, "So why exactly weren't you allowed to visit me this week?"
I sigh. I knew this question would come before it did.
"Julian's not exactly trustworthy."
This pipes Ashton's interest. "What did you do?"
I bite my tongue. "Why do you want to know?"
"Cause then I'll wonder if it was just an excuse not to see me."
I frown. "Why would I do that? I want to see you, Ash. Every day I do."
Ash's eyes shine bright. "Really?"
"I would if I could. We live so far away, that's all."
"Then move into my house. Until the summer ends."
I laugh. Because Ashton's request is the most ridiculous. "You know I can't. And what would your parents say about that?"
I notice it quickly – Ashton's smile slips. It is gentle and concealed well. He smiles back and I do not mention the slight sourness, because it may have been nothing at all.
"At least consider it."
"I have considered it. It's Julian who would have to." I chuckle.
"You're eighteen soon."
"So?"
"Move in with me after. I'll return to the city, and you can live in my apartment with me. My roommate's moving out. She's dropping out of college."
"She?" I raise my eyebrows.
"Jealous?" Ashton smirks.
"Obviously. I'm your girlfriend. That's like if I slept at another guy's house."
"Relax," Ashton says. "Say that again."
"Say what?"
"Girlfriend."
"Shut up," I grumble. I realise Ash's roommate is not a girl. His playful smile says enough. "I guess I can do anything I want when I'm eighteen. I'll figure it out."
"Promise?"
"Yeah."
Ashton asks after a silence, "You still haven't told me why I couldn't come over."
I sigh. "And you can't drop it?"
Ashton shakes his head.
I play with my fingers. "Julian was just worried about me, that's all. He's scared for me." Ashton understands quickly. Or, at least, it seems as if he does. "That's all. I don't really want to talk about this though. We'll figure it out later."
"It's not something you can control, right?"
"Of course not."
"Does he know that?"
"He does."
Ash smiles sadly. "I wish my uncle was like that."
"Uncle?"
Ashton quickly sobers up. "What?"
"What?"
"Wha–"
"Ashton," I cut him off. "What do you mean, your uncle?"
Ashton exhales. His eyes wander across the forest before they land back to me. "I live with my uncle, not my parents. That's all."
"That's all?" I exclaim. "That's a big deal, Ashton!"
His eyebrows furrow. "You haven't been honest with me either."
I groan. "I've been honest with everything I've told you. I just haven't told you everything – but that doesn't mean I won't eventually tell you." I sigh. "Can you explain? You told me you lived with your parents – that they run the diner."
"They don't, my uncle does." That makes sense when I think about it. I have yet to meet his parents, which I had asked Ash about on a few occasions. And the few times I did sleep over, his parents were not home which had only increased my suspicion further. But I did not think much of it – assuming they took long hours at the diner and would meet me eventually when Ashton and I became more established in our relationship.
"Why don't you live with them?" I ask.
"My uncle, my dad's brother, said they couldn't afford it. They gave me up when I was a few months old, and he hasn't heard from them since. My uncle had bought the diner around that time so he was making decent money and could take me in." Ashton pulls his hair out of his eyes. "I'm sorry I couldn't tell you. I haven't told many people, most of my friends don't know either."
"Why?" I question. "Why couldn't you tell me?"
"I don't know," Ashton admits. "I'm embarrassed?"
"You know that I'd be the last to judge you."
"Yeah," he says quietly. "I know."
"Is there anything else?"
"My uncle wants to meet you."
"Oh." I wasn't expecting that.
Ash laughs. "Yeah."
We climb down the tree after that, leaving our spoken secrets behind. Ashton appears uncomfortable now, not as uncomfortable as before, but it is clear that he is not used to this. He appears confident up front, but I understand now that we are resting on similar boats – we both have a lot to tell each other.
It calms me. Ashton has secrets as I do. Secrets we may one day uncover, together, alone, at night with the moon and the stars.
Before we jump to the bottom, Ashton grabs my shoulders and forces me to stand still. I almost fall down the tree. "Ash!"
He laughs and pulls his arms around me. Our lips are close. We are safe, on one of the lowest branches that is large and sturdy enough to carry out weight. Then Ash places a hand on the back of my head and pushes me against the trunk. He kisses me.
"This is interesting," I smirk as we pull away to catch our breaths. I rush my hands through his hair. "We've never done this before."
"Stop talking," Ashton laughs. He presses his lips to my neck, and I close my eyes. Then his hands slow down my back and wait on my hips. Ash's lips leave a trail back up to my jawline, and our eyes lock. They are mixed with uncontrollable forgiveness and happiness. He was expecting a worse reaction to what he admitted before.
I take a step closer. "Ash–"
However, as I do, my foot does not land on the sturdy branch, and instead, on air. With an uneven balance, and my loose arms on Ash, I fall.
Luckily the fall is not long. That doesn't mean it doesn't hurt.
I groan in pain as I roll onto the ground, my knee jerking as it collides with a pile of rocks and sticks. I feel Ashton's voice above me, and then right next to me. His hot breaths fan my face, and the urgency in his voice wakes me up from the momentary darkness I am caged by.
"Fuck," Ashton keeps swearing, "fuck."
"I'm fine," I groan, wrapping my arms around my knee.
"You sound anything but fine." Ashton urges me to sit up, and he pushes the leaves out of my hair. "Sorry, Maya. That was my fault."
"Am I bleeding?" I don't want to open my eyes to check.
"No, you're not."
I exhale in relief.
"I'm carrying you back home," Ashton demands, pulling his arms around me.
"Fuck off," I exhale. "I can walk fine."
He raises his eyebrows. He deadpans, "It sure seems that way."
"Give me five minutes."
Five minutes become ten. I stand after. I'm fine. I assure Ashton every time he goes to grab my arms when I falter. It's funny to see him so concerned, but it won't be funny when we get back and we have to explain what happened to my cousin and brother. I would really like to avoid the conversation that explains that I fell from the tree whilst I attempted to kiss Ashton and pull him closer to me.
Luckily, Ashton has his car parked not far away from the forest. I am glad for his scheming, because if he wasn't so paranoid that Julian and Ryan would catch him, we would have had to walk the rest of the way on foot. So, we drive the rest of the distance. We make out after he parks in the driveway. I smile against his lips.
When I feel the heat of a pair of eyes on the back of my skull, I pull away. I don't turn because I know someone will be standing there, watching us with disapproval.
"You should go. I'll see you soon."
Ashton nods. "Are you sure you don't want me to head inside with you?"
I shake my head.
Ashton sighs but agrees. I step outside and watch as he drives off, waving to me before he disappears into the distance.
I turn around to walk back into the house and jump when I see Julian sitting on the chair on the porch. He watches me carefully with a cigarette hanging from his lips.
"What happened to you?" he asks nonchalantly, nudging his chin at my hair. I end up tugging a small branch and a few crushes leaves out of my hair, scowling at Ashton internally for not telling me about my dishevelled appearance.
"We went climbing trees. They got stuck in my hair."
Julian nods his head slowly. I walk up the porch and sit on the chair next to him. He tugs the cigarette behind his ear. I'm concerned because he's stressed.
"Ashton's good to you, isn't he?"
I snap my head to him. Where did this train of thought come from? "Yeah, of course he is. You know that."
Julian settles back, crossing his arms across his chest. "Just making sure."
"Why did you ask? You know what he's like."
"I don't know what he's like when he's with you. I've only met him a handful of times." He shakes his head. "Don't worry. I was just asking."
I stare Julian down. His eyes are unwilling to reveal his real feelings. I assumed he liked Ashton, but perhaps that morning had put him on edge. My cousin must realise I'm eighteen soon though. And that what I'm experiencing with Ashton isn't new to me.
"Don't blame me for worrying," Julian mutters, after observing my annoyed reaction. "After Tony, I don't know what to think."
"Do we have to keep bringing him up?"
"Fine." Julian zips his lips sarcastically. I lean forward to shove him, and the smell of smoke is as strong as ever. I need to know what is on his mind.
"Is Ryan inside?"
"No, he, uh, went grocery shopping." Julian's eyes keep flickering around.
"Spit it out," I demand. "What are you hiding?"
"Nothing."
"Julian! You don't smoke often. What's going on?"
"Nothing," Julian repeats. "Okay fine, it isn't exactly nothing."
"Well?"
Julian sighs. "How would you feel if you moved in with Ryan?"
I blink. "If I moved in with him?" I echo.
Julian nods. "Ryan has a place in the city he can buy. You can go to an in-person college nearby. And I guess you'll be closer to Ashton too."
"What's the catch?"
"Well," Julian pauses. "Ryan will want to start therapy with you."
My mouth widens. I cannot find any words. I feel my heart dropping.
"No," I deny immediately. "No."
"What's so bad about it?"
"Therapy alone." I shake my head, unable to formulate a sentence. "But with him? Are you crazy?"
"I thought you were getting along."
We have. But I know if I was forced to sit in a room with Ryan and confess what was on my mind, I'd be completely drained. Ryan and I's relationship is admittedly surface-level. We have come to our resolution, but I can't really speak to him and talk about things that I speak with Julian about.
"I won't do it." I run my hand down my face in stress. "Why is that the ultimatum?"
"Ryan saw you this morning... he wasn't exactly pleased with it. He just wants you to be okay."
"And what do you think?" I almost scoff at the words.
"I..." Julian trails off. He has dropped his cigarette on the floor and continues to press it with the edge of his shoe, even though the flame is out, and the smoke has vanished into the clear, warm air. "I think it'd be good for you."
"Fuck you."
"But it's your decision."
"No," I deny again. "I'm staying."
Julian bites his tongue. "May... I think you should consider it. We are going nowhere right now."
"What do you mean nowhere? I'm eating. I'm taking my meds. I'm talking about it with Ryan. Is that not enough?"
"There's still a lot you haven't shared with him, or me. Shit that you're pretending to forget because you think it's better if you pretend that that part of you doesn't exist. That'd be exhausting to keep to yourself. Even if you don't go with Ryan... if it's just you – can you consider it?"
"Just me?"
"Just you," Julian agrees. "Or you can join a group session. There will be other teens your age. You can make some friends while you're at it."
"I have friends."
"You have one friend. He's not just a friend. You're proving my point further."
"Fine," I grumble. "But I want to be able to sleep over at Ashton's."
"What?" Julian laughs. He looks at me confused.
"Yeah," I agree. "I'll go and you let me sleep at Ash's. That's the deal."
Julian rolls his eyes. He cannot believe me. "Fine," he huffs. "Sure. But you can't miss a session."
"Okay," I agree.
Julian takes out his phone. He texts what I assume is Ryan.
"He's not shopping, is he?"
"He is. But he'll go book your first session while he's there."
"For some reason, I don't believe you," I grimace.
Julian winks. "You don't need to, kid."