"How did it go?" Mark said when he picked me up.
"It was good. I didn't want to go," I laughed.
"He has that effect on people, just so calming to be around."
"Mark?"
"Yeah?"
"Do you think I'm making the right choice?"
"In dating Tae? Yes, he makes you happy. I'm not saying that Minhyuk didn't, but you're more yourself with Tae. He's loved you for so long, that kind of love you can't move on from. The way he looks at you is just so real. No matter what you decide to do, I stand with you."
"Thank you Mark, I just want to be happy."
~~~
Hungry faces bombarded us when we arrived back at the dorm. "Is that fried chicken?!" Donghyuck asked excitedly.
We set up the table and started eating. We filled the room with laughter and fun. The rest of the night, we watched movies and laughed and joked and told stories.
I was getting sleepy and leant into Jeno's shoulder and went to sleep.
When I woke up, I was lying on Jeno's bed covered up, but he wasn't there. I walked out, and he was on the couch asleep. I giggled to myself quietly and went to go make Korean pancakes. After I finished, I started cutting up fruits and got out kimchi and spring rolls. When I finished, I ordered coffee for everyone. Mark was the first to come in.
"Are you ready to go home?" he asked, chuckling.
"Not gonna lie, a little bit. I like my home."
"You like being with him. Are you going to the 127 dorm today?"
"Yeah, I would go now, but I feel like that'd be inappropriate. I stayed the night. I could at least say bye. I'm just ready to go, haha."
After a while everyone was up so we all ate and then I got my stuff together and said my goodbyes and Mark took me back to the 127 dorm. When I got there, I rushed upstairs to their dorm. I immediately put in the code and went in and headed straight for his room. I knew he'd be there, and I was right, there he was in all this beautiful glory. Sleeping with his red hair messy and tangled with sleep, the way his hair falls, is just majestic. I could look at him like this all day. He looks so peaceful.
I eventually stop staring at his ethereal beauty and go to him. I gently grab his desk chair and pull it out and close to the bed and sit in it. As I sit down on the chair, I carefully pull my legs up and hug my knees, resting my cheek against them, just admiring him. As much as I love him awake, I love him asleep. Just seeing him rest and sleep makes my heart swarm like bees. I feel sleepy looking at him and close my eyes and doze off there in his presence finally.
When I awoke, I found two doe eyes looking straight into mine. "Good morning baby," he had said, smiling softly from where he lay.
I felt my back ache from the way I had slept in the chair. I slowly straightened out and stretched. He patted the bed in front of him and I all but jumped into the bed next to him. He chuckled gently into my ear as he pulled me close to him, his warmth rolling off of him in waves. His scent is addictive. I wanted to stay there forever, but knew he had work.
"I thought you were staying with the dreamies?" he chuckled.
"I missed you too much and Mark offered to take me here. I wasn't about to decline such a nice offer," I giggled.
"You're so cute," he chuckled, snuggling me closer to him and kissing my head, "what are you wanting to do today?" He asked.
"I was thinking we could go on a date or go pick up Bin and do something fun!"
"Both options sound amazing!"
We ended up staying in and playing video games. After a while, we were back in his bed. A movie playing quietly in the background. I looked up at him and he looked down at me and I inched forward and kissed him. He kissed me back gently. Eventually, the kiss gets heated and I climb onto him. His hands immediately find my hips and he's pushing me down into him. I give in easily and happily; I know that if I need him to quit, he will. My hands find his hair and I start to dig in a little and he lets out a groan against my lips.
He pulls me further on him, rocking me slightly. It feels like heaven. He pulls away from my lips and stills my hips, "Baby, are you sure this is what you want cause oh my," he said breathlessly. I had to think about it. I really, truly wanted him, but I don't know how much I can take before I crack. I haven't had sex since Eric and after Eric it's all been traumatic and painful and just overall a terrible experience. To be vulnerable like that, for him to see me in that sense, is a scary thought and I don't think I can do it, I'd love to but for now I think it'll be better to take it slow. I want him more than anything, more than I want air in my lungs, but I'm scared.
"Tae, I love you and I want you, but I'm afraid," I said. I didn't need to give him more than that because I know he'll understand.
"That's okay," he replied and held me onto him. I could still feel him and it made me a little sad because I wanna give him that vulnerability, but it still feels like an obligation on my part.
"Tae, can I move?" I asked.
"Of course baby, you don't have to ask. It's not an obligation to stay and do things you aren't comfortable with it was never your responsibility."
"I guess he trained me the way he wanted."
"Do you wanna talk about it?"
"He used to make me sit on my knees for hours, with the threat of if I got up he'd hurt Eric and y'know, he was always my kryptonite, my weakness if you will. One time I moved because my knees hurt, so he beat me until I couldn't breathe. I almost passed out. He only gave up because I stopped struggling and screaming. He did that a lot. It's why my back is as messed up as it is. The long scar across my shoulder blades came from him, cutting me with a knife because I refused to do something he had wanted. He also had me kept in his basement for days. That week I said I'd be staying with Eric, I was kept there. He sent the text and threatened to kill Bin if I said anything. So that's where more than half of the scars came from."
"Sunny, I'm so sorry that him and I couldn't have done more to protect you or help you. I feel terrible, how much did you tell Eric?"
"I told him fractions and all the things he needed to know, that one in specific because he covered for me. He thought I was playing hooky with a friend, he didn't know that, that had happened. I also told him about the time he kept me in the basement. He had tied me up and beat me black and blue and burned me, stabbed me, raped me over and over again until he was satisfied. He tried to turn me into a puppet for his control."
"And you still wanted him in your life after you found out that your dad paid him?" He asked. He looked disgusted and I couldn't help but feel like it was towards me.
"I'm sorry," I said, not meeting his eyes. I sat up and started to get up to leave.
"Sunny? Where are you going?" He asked.
"Sorry I'm disgusting. I'll leave. I don't blame you for not wanting damaged goods," I said as I stood up. He jumped up after me and hugged me tightly.
"Baby, you aren't disgusting. I love you! You are not damaged goods or someone to be thrown away after using you aren't a condom. You will never disgust me. I'm just disturbed by the things he did to you all in the name of your father. I think he was just a disturbed, fucked up person who had serious issues. No one treats someone they love like that."
"I still dream about him on me and in me and hurting me. It's why I can't have sex, I think. I mean, I did with Eric, but that was different. Min never wanted anything to do with that because of Eric. Well and Hansol, so, yeah."
"Why Hansol?"
"He thought I would choose him, he was scared that I'd wake up one day and pick him. I don't get it I only did what I had to do to keep those close to me safe, y'all have no idea what he's capable of because I hide my wounds and scars."
"Baby, with me you never have to hide. I'm with you for all of it. I've loved you almost our whole lives. You are my best friend and my favorite person. I love you until the very end. I've got you."
I know he's speaking the truth, he's seen all the scars, every piece of it, and he still loves me and wants to stay. "I love you with every fiber of my being."
"I love you too."
After a while I was back in his bed and we were still talking about things but this time lighter. Rocky had run across my mind and it made me sad. So I instead told Tae that I was hungry, so we went to the kitchen and started cooking.