this is the first oneshot I am posting so i really hope this goes well lmao
TWs:
- disassociation / epsiode
- semi-panic attack
- self-inflicted wounds (not really gore but there are self-inflicted wounds)
- mentions of YHS/S4m
I THINK THAT'S IT LET ME KNOW IF THERE'S ANYTHING I MISSED (this is quite a long one too)
Happy reading!! <3
The small avian briskly walked through the halls of his mansion. He was panicking. And he hated stopping his work for any reason at all. Figuring that it would wear off eventually, Grian decided to walk it off through the halls of his mansion. However, this didn't seem to be calming his frantic mind, maybe making it worse in fact, so Grian turned around and raced to his bedroom so he could sit down. The door slightly creaked when opened as Grian made his way into the room.
His room is a decent size, a tall, light gray room with large windows. There is a medium-sized desk with a lamp and a few strewn papers resting on top. Next to it sits a pair of double chests, undoubtedly filled with junk. The floor was covered with a darker gray, fuzzy carpet. On one wall the door to his closet was closed and had a full length mirror mounted to the wall next to it. On the opposite side of the room stood a jungle tree no taller than fifteen blocks, with a knitted hammock hanging from one outstretched branch. On a more concealed branch sat a large nest that could easily fit three people-through it was mainly covered with leaves, so you couldn't tell it was there unless told, or the lantern inside was lit. More lanterns hang from the ceiling from chains, dangling a varied lengths.
Swiftly closing the door, Grian starts pacing lightly. He feels like a light weight is being pressed against his lungs. Picking his head up, he quickly whips it to his left, only to be met with an unsettling sight. His gaze directed at the mirror, Grian's reflection stared back at him, but it wasn't a sight he'd particularly like to see. Expecting to see himself in his parrot-glory, with colorful wings and a red sweater, Grian's eyes started to well up. Because before him, stood a different person. This person may have had his face, his eyes, his wings...but something was different. Because this person had a blue sweater. Not a red sweater. Blue.
Backing away slowly, Grian stared at this stranger in the mirror. No... this was not him. Not him. Grian kept backing up until his back hit the thick trunk of the tree. On impact, Grian felt and saw the tears start aggressively rolling down his face as images flashed through his mind. Images of the past. Of a highschool filled with psychopaths. The face of his lover's perfect face before his death. The crazed face of an ex-best friend. The plastic forced down his throat. The blue shirt with black overalls and matching headphones that stained his memory forever. Months spent living in fear.
Grian slides down with his back still pressed against the tree until he is sitting on the ground and bawling his eyes out. Breathing pattern escalating quickly, he raises his arms to his head to try and stop the pounding and level out his breathing, but his attempt is in vain. Semi-quiet sobs and hitched breathing fills the room. His situation is only getting worse, but there's nothing he can do about it. Everything is just too loud. Grian's hands shift to be grasping the opposite arm as his breathing becomes extremely erratic, and he can no longer tell if he's in the right body. All Grian's mind can focus on is the haunting memories of the past, triggered by just the color of his sweater. But Grian is never one to back down from a hermit challenge, which required him to wear the dreaded color for a bit.
He is sure the hermit that gave him the challenge had no clue about his issue with the color blue, as he had never told anyone. Grian had never wanted to burden any hermit with his problems. He was sure they all had their own to deal with. So what to do when nobody is there to help him zone out the mental pain?
Grian reached his hands up to his upper arms and scratched until he felt there was no more pain to feel, to which he shifted his hands to his forearms, where he scratched some more.
~ ~ ~
His hands are sticky and the stench of blood is in the air. How long had it been? A few minutes? An hour? A few hours? A day? Grian isn't sure. But he doesn't want to shift his head, because he knows he'll see his reflection in the mirror again. He had dissociated for a little bit and ended up scratching the hell out of his arms and calves, but the physical pain was enough to drown out the mental pain for now, and something was better than nothing.
Not quite sure what to do next, Grian simply sits there on the floor in his bedroom. However, the thought crosses his mind that if he sits here forever, a hermit would come and look for him eventually and find him sprawled on the floor like he is.
Reluctantly, Grian rises from his place on the floor slowly and steadily, pain still radiating from his arms and legs. He managed to stumble his way out of his bedroom without looking at the mirror, thankfully, and limped his way to the bathroom, using the wall for support as it is just down the hallway.
Grian opens the door, sloppily steps inside, and closes the door as he shakily approaches the sink. Taking some cold water, he runs it over his new wounds as he winces from pain. After his arms are all cleaned up, he grabs a washcloth and moves onto his legs. Grian picks out a few bandage rolls from a nearby cabinet and begins to wrap up his arms sloppily, since the stinging is mostly gone by now. The bandages aren't much but it's better than nothing. He can just wear his sleeves down and nobody would question it. As for his legs...
"How am I supposed to cover that up?" Grian mutters to himself. Eventually coming to a conclusion that he'll just bandage the worst spots, since he doesn't have too many bandages, and wear long pants. But it would have to be sweatpants, as any other type would be uncomfortable.
Grian leaves his bathroom a few minutes later, and at this point he's lost the limp. Once back in his bedroom, he quickly scurries past the mirror and throws the closet open. He pulls out a fresh spare of his usual red sweater as well as some dark gray sweatpants. Grian quickly throws off his shorts and puts on the sweatpants, a comfortable warmth settling on his thighs. He closes his eyes as he pulls off the somewhat-blood-stained blue sweater and holds it as far away from himself as possible.
Walking over to the window, he opens it and dumps the sweater, not caring where it will land. As long as he's not wearing it.
Returning to his closet, he quickly throws the spare red sweater on, closed the closet, and went to look at himself in the mirror.
Letting out a sigh of relief when he sees the reflection he's meant to see, Grian mutters quietly to himself; "Better. Not perfect, but better."
After a few more moments of taking comfort in the redness of his sweater, Grian shuffles over to his desk to see if there was anything else he needed to do today. With an annoyed and exasperated grunt, Grian reads the post-it reminder he made for himself about today's server meeting. X had asked everyone to be there at sundown the latest, which wasn't too far from now. Grian didn't want to do anything right now. But if he didn't show, or told Xisuma he'd be a no-show, the hermits would get concerned. And that's exactly the opposite of what Grian wants.
The avian stole a glance at his nest before sighing and exiting his room, the mansion, and flapping his gorgeous multi-colored wings as he leaps off the edge and takes flight. He does a graceful backflip before soaring off towards spawn.
~ ~ ~
Approaching the clearing where spawn is, Grian spots his best friend-Mumbo Jumbo-in the sea of hermits. Suddenly filled with a new excitement, the avian speeds up and barrel rolls downwards, making a perfectly dramatic landing. The blonde gets a few smiles directed his way from friends, which he returns with a smile of his own.
"You're late," the tall, mustached man says.
"You mean, fashionably late?" Grian replies in his usual sarcastic tone, earning a small chuckle from his best friend. "You have to admit, that entrance was something else."
"Oh yes, it sure was, Grian," Mumbo said with a smile.
"Alright, now that Grian is here, we can start," a heavy accent cuts through the air, silencing all hushed side conversations that may have been taking place.
Xisuma-Hermitcraft's beloved admin. Today's meeting is nothing special, but X likes to have check-up like meetings where anyone can say something they want or need to, and so that the hermits can take a small break from the endless work. X knows that maybe 50% of hermits, himself included, tend to overwork themselves on a daily basis, and he figured that these server meetings could be a nice way to bring hermits together after a stressful day.
Xisuma starts talking about whatever he needs to, asking if there are any problems, updates, and a bunch of other things the small avian couldn't bother to pay attention to. Grian is tired, and feels like he might pass out right then and there. The blonde ends up zoning out for a bit, and doesn't come back into it until he feels a sharp pain in his left arm.
"Ah! What was that for!?" the avian exclaimed, suddenly coming back to reality to see that most of the hermits had already left spawn, only Mumbo, Xisuma, and Keralis remaining. Their concerned faces make Grian panic slightly.
"Grian..." Xisuma's voice rings out. "Are you okay? Mumbo only lightly nudged your arm and you sounded like you were in pain."
Oh no. Well how am I supposed to respond to that? Grian panickingly wonders. Within seconds he settles on; "I...I don't know. Honestly. Building was a bit tiresome today, so that could be a reason I went AFK..."
A quick diversion from the question asked without giving too much away. Xisuma knows that hermits tend to overwork themselves, so the idea is completely plausible.
A small, but hearable sigh escapes Keralis. "You know you can talk to us about anything, right?" Mumbo and Xisuma might be easier to fool, but Keralis always seems to know everything about everyone. There's no hiding anything from him.
Panic suddenly filling the avian, he stammers a response. "Y-yeah, I know. A-and I do appreciate it. Today's just been a little...long, let's say. And I could really use some shuteye." Grian offered.
Thankfully, Mumbo assists by jumping in and saying, "I can escort him to his mansion, that wouldn't be a problem for me."
Xisuma only slightly weary and Keralis still unconvinced, the raven-haired man grabs the hand of the blonde, hugs him close to his chest, and takes off with his elytra, using rockets to get height, leaving the concerned pair at spawn.
"Mumbo, I may be tired, but I can still fly-" the avian yells out over the winds.
"Don't want to take any chances, I'd be devastated if something were to happen to you." Mumbo replied, his facial expression remaining the same as he used a higher voice to speak over the loud winds. The small avian accepted the defeat, despite his ego, and let Mumbo fly him to his mansion.
Soon enough, the duo landed in the entranceway to the mansion, and Mumbo set Grian down. "I will still walk you to your room so that you don't get hurt or anything," Mumbo said as he and Grian started to walk in the direction of Grian's bedroom.
"Okay, mom," the avian sarcastically replied with an eyeroll. The duo talked for a bit until they reached Grian's room, where Mumbo left him to go back to his own mega base since he didn't want to have to spend so much time outside in the dark.
Watching his best friend fly out of render distance from his window, the blonde finally exhaled. On their way through his mansion, Grian had spotted the chicken in which the blue sweater hermit challenge was labeled. Piled atop the stress of almost being found out by Kerlais and Xisuma for his episode earlier, the avian began to cry. He ends up on the ground, curled up in a ball and leaning against the wall as he quietly sobs.
Grian is interrupted from crying by a knock at his door. "Grian, can I come in?" Xisuma. What is he doing here?
"Grian, please, we know you're not okay," Keralis too. So he hadn't fooled them.
Cursing himself for the stutter, the avian spoke up. "N-no, everything is f-fine! No n-need!" he quietly walked over to the door, pressing his back against it. He heard hushed whispering from outside, before silence. The blond rolls up his sleeves to check the bandages, which had come loose and started to unravel.
"Grian..." X started. "Let us inside. We just want to help." After a moment or two of silence, X spoke up again, this time more stern. "Grian, you are either going to open this door or I will break it down myself, and I don't want to have to replace your door."
Grian freezes up for a few seconds, unsure of what to do. Reluctantly, he swallows the lump in his throat and turns around, but makes sure to roll down his sleeves first. Hands on the door, the avian takes a deep breath before he turned the handle and cracked the door open, putting his eye close to it before taking another deep breath and opening the door fully, not willing to meet the eyes of the two before him. Finally looking up, Grian's eyes meet the worried eyes of Xisuma and Keralis. The two look at the disheveled avian before asking permission to come in. Grian lets go of the door before walking backwards into his room, to which Xisuma and Keralis step inside, their eyes trained on the blonde before them.
After a few awkward moments, Grian decides to speak up and break the tension. "So, uhm, what brings you here?" the avian tries through sniffles.
"It was obvious that something was wrong at the meeting, Grian. You never space out like that," Keralis responded. "And on top of that, you were evading the question when Shishwammy and I asked if you were okay. Okay people don't do that."
"I just..." the avian trails off. He doesn't know how to respond. He doesn't want to overshare and make his problems become theirs, but the two of them don't seem to care. Why do they want to know? Wouldn't they be happier without having to know what's wrong with him?
"Grian, things won't get better if you don't tell us what's happening. As the admin of this server, it's my duty to protect and care for the players on Hermitcraft. It is quite literally my job to help you if you're not okay. And you're not okay." X says, causing the avian to slowly shift his gaze to meet X's eyes.
"Is it that you think we'll judge you?" asks Keralis. "Or some other reason?"
"I..." Grian starts. "I don't want to...I don't want to be a bother. You guys probably already have your own stuff going on, and it's not fair of me to be an attention seeker like that." The avian finally says in a quivering voice, shifting his eye contact between the two before him. Tears had started to slowly drip down from his eyes while he was speaking.
"Grian, your mental health is more important than our busy schedules." The admin places a hand on the avian's shoulder, making him flinch, which X decides to ignore for now. "Don't ever feel like you can't come to us, or any other hermit for that matter, when you're not feeling okay. Any and all of us would be more than willing to drop an entire day just to make you feel better. I promise."
The admin's words have finally caused Grian's wall to come down. He collapses into X's awaiting arms and starts sobbing his eyes out. X brings the hysterical avian towards the trunk of the tree where the three sit down. Keralis and Xisuma wrap their arms around Grian, just holding him and being there for him as he cries, whispering small "it's okay"s and other comforting words.
After a few minutes, the blonde stops crying and his breathing returns to normal. The other two hermits give each other a silent nod, acknowledging that questions need to be asked now.
"Grian, buddy, are you okay to talk now?" X asks.
"I-" the avian stutters. "Yeah-, I think so."
"Good, now can you tell us what happened, please?"
"W-well, there was this hermit challenge, and i-it was to wear a blue jumper r-rather than my usual r-red one." X nods and urges the smaller hermit on, keeping his arms around him.
He can't continue without mentioning something about highschool, and about everything that happened. But he has to. He's too far in now.
"A-and, uh, the color blue brings up a lot of u-unwanted memories, e-especially when I'm wearing it, and I-I guess seeing myself in the m-mirror kind of t-ticked me off, I guess."
Silence, but only for a second or two. Keralis gives a hum of acknowledgement before asking "if it's not too triggering for you, do you mind giving a few examples so that we can avoid stuff like this from happening in the future?"
"I-" the blonde pauses. Does he really want to tell them? Maybe later, but definitely not now. The wound is still too fresh. "I don't want to talk about it."
"Okay, that's totally fine." Keralis says, making the mistake of running his hand down Grians arm. The fibers of his sweater stick to the scratches, and the pressure of Keralis's hand causes Grian to flinch hard and whisper a small 'ow'. The duo falls silent. Dead silent.
At least thirty seconds pass before X pipes up again. "Grian, what was that?" the avian does not respond. He can't. "Grian, show me your arms. Roll up your sleeves." X says with an undeniable authority.
Fear spreads throughout Grian as he hears X's words. They're going to find out. What are they going to think? Or feel? Or do? The avian stays silent, afraid of what will come out if he opens his mouth.
"I- uhm-" is all he can say as Xisuma and Kerlais's gaze only grows stronger.
"Don't make this difficult. Roll up your sleeves, Grian," X says, this time more stern. In turn, Grian reluctantly grabs the hem of his left sleeve with his right hand and tries to avoid the scratches as he rolls up his sleeve. The avian repeats this with the other arm after the sleeve is comfortably sitting on his shoulder. He closes his eyes and waits for a reaction, quietly mentioning that there are more on his legs.
"Grian..." Keralis begins after a minute or two. "Why? Why did you do this to yourself?" The blonde doesn't have an answer. Or a good one, at least.
"I-" A pause. "I don't exactly know, it got pretty bad and I was out of it and I-" The avian was cut off by Xisuma's arms leaving the warm embrace that had held Grian just seconds ago. He left the room and came back a minute later with healing potions and bandages.
Xisuma and Keralis work together for a few minutes to heal and rebandage Grian's arms, this time more diligently than how the avian had done it earlier. They use the splash healing potions to lightly dribble on the wounds, and the bandages to keep Grian's arms safe after they finish with the potions. Next, they ask for the blonde to roll up his pants so those wounds can be treated as well. Grian complies, and soon enough, the three of them are back to hugging while leaning against the tree, the duo's protective arms not planning on leaving the side of the beloved hermit anytime soon.
"You know you can come to us any time, right, Grian?" Keralis asks, a hint of hope in his voice.
No response. "Please do, Grian," Xisuma says. "The hermits are a family. And you're part of that family. We are here for you, Grian, please never hesitate to reach out if you need help. If you feel like you're going to have a repeat of what happened today, please let one of us know. It doesn't matter who, because us hermits are here for each other. You are most certainly not alone."
"I- thank you, thank you both," the small avian says before drifting off to sleep in Xisuma and Keralis's arms.
3,503 words
A/N
hiiiiii i hope you guys enjoyed this first oneshot
i really enjoy writing so ill prob do more stuff like this in the future
if you have a request feel free to comment it, though that's no promise that I'll actually get to it
remember to eat, drink water, and get some sleep <3
thanks for reading!