remember to check the tw before reading xx
a little more intense chapter
When I wake up again, I am lying on my bed, hidden under my covers.
There are soft murmurs that come from somewhere, though I do not know where. I hear the distant clock ticking, an indicator that time does not stop for me. The ceiling above me is chipping and the paint is uneven, and I know the covers I sleep under are my own.
I distinguish the voice as Julian's. "Go to sleep," he whispers when he realises that I'm awake.
I groan. "What happened?"
"Go to sleep," he repeats, and I do.
When I wake up again, I am not in my room; I am in the living room. My blanket is with me, and my pillows have been placed carefully under me. I rub my eyes, and my head spins. My vision is blurry. I don't know what's happening to me.
I think Julian does. Clearly. Because when I register my surroundings again and focus, I see him directly in my peripheral vision. He stares at me sadly. The lingering frown etched on his expression is unsettling, especially because I do not know what has caused it.
He tells me, softly, very quietly, "Good morning."
A million questions run through my head. The one I ask is, "Is Ryan still here?"
Julian's frown deepens. "You don't remember?"
"Remember what?"
Julian comes closer to me. His steps are careful and uncertain. He takes a deep breath when he sits down by me. I am so tired. My bones settle. I wish to fall asleep again. I wish to escape it all.
Julian tells me, "Ryan won't leave for a while, Maya."
"Why not?" I ask timidly. Perhaps because this situation is confusing and hurts to think about. I am shoved through a mixture of emotions. First, I find my brother has reappeared. Then, he decides to stay. Then, there are countless arguments. He wants to leave. But he doesn't. Julian informs me right now that he will not be leaving, and I am as confused as ever because I recall very well my brother deciding to pack his bags and the sound of the front door slamming.
"Ryan's not going to leave until... until he's sure you're okay. He doesn't want to leave."
"Until I'm okay?" I blink.
"Do you honestly not remember?"
I shake my head. My hair falls in front of my eyes. My locks of brown hair feel sweaty and greasy, and I pull them out of my face.
"Ryan found you... in the bathroom throwing up," Julian finally admits. "You could barely get up or hear him. You didn't have any energy."
"I don't understand..." I pause. I try and recall the events of the past. I think I do. "I was feeling sick... it was because I was feeling nauseous."
"Was it?" Julian swallows, and his jaw clenches tightly. "May... you weren't throwing yourself up, were you? I just... I just need to make sure."
I stand up quickly. My words become of heat and fury. "Julian. Julian. Holy shit! You think I threw up on purpose? Of course not!"
My cousin scratches his jawline. "I want to believe, Maya. I always do. But... the sight... you weren't okay. I don't want to doubt you but I can't help but–"
"You think I'm lying?"
Julian tugs my hand, so I sit down again. Unwillingly, I do so. As I do so, I am met with a rush of fatigue. I sit down fast. Julian narrows his eyes. "You don't have the energy to even stand. You've barely been drinking water. You're not okay, May. You shouldn't be throwing up so often."
"This was once!"
"And how am I meant to know that?"
"We trust each other," I gasp. "I cannot believe you, Julian. I can't believe you're doubting me. You are!"
"Look at it from my perspective: you haven't eaten in so long. Then Ryan sees you kneeling in front of the toilet. You didn't call for me or describe this nausea beforehand. You can't expect me to know what's going on when you don't speak with me."
"There's nothing to speak about."
Julian shakes his head. He smiles softly. "We know there is. You're not okay, May. We know this."
My words are caught in my throat.
"And that is completely fine. I don't expect you to be fine after all you've been through... we will figure this out. We'll work something out–I'll try to research into it. I'll make sure you're okay. I won't be the best at this because I have no fucking idea how to help you. I just need you to talk to me."
"Julian," I plead. "I promise you; I am okay. I was feeling–"
"No," Julian denies. "I need you to tell me the truth, Maya. Look me in the eye and tell me the truth."
Julian does not listen to me. He thinks I am lying.
Julian thinks I am trying to make myself throw up. I don't. At least not anymore. I haven't been as low as I was a few years ago. I know the process, the gruelling process of hunger and sore knuckles and dry throats. I know and remember the pain. It was not a good feeling to throw up all the time. I stopped. I restricted. I don't do it anymore.
So, with utmost certainty, I stare Julian dead in the eye when I tell him, "I promise."
Julian searches my eyes. His eyes flicker left and right. Eventually, he nods his head and stands. "Okay. Okay, I believe you." His words are still hesitant and unsure. I don't know how he's feeling even though I usually do. "Did you used to?"
"Why are we talking about this? Why does this even matter?"
"It matters to me because I need to make sure you're okay," Julian exhales. "If this has been going on, without me knowing, then I need to know, May. I just... you know that I need to make sure you're okay."
"I don't anymore."
"Did you used to?" Julian repeats.
I swallow. "Yeah."
"When? For how long?"
I look away. "In the city. I stopped, though. I couldn't."
"Okay," Julian replies. Quietly.
He stands. He tells me not to go anywhere, to stay put. I shrug my shoulders and watch his figure walk outside. The door closes behind him and I pretend that I do not hear him hold back a choked sob.
I lay back down on the couch. I am so tired and fall asleep again.
When I wake up again, for the third time, I am greeted with hushed whispers from the kitchen. Ryan is back. Julian is here. They speak with each other. Well, they whisper, but considering the rooms are small and so close together, I can hear them quite well. I push my head into my pillow, in an attempt to block them out. When I find it impossible to drown them out, I grab my cushion and stand to head to my room.
Julian stops me. "Where are you doing?" he asks me.
I blink twice. "My room...?"
Julian frowns. "Sit back down, Maya."
"Why?" I narrow my eyes. "I want to sleep."
"You can sleep in here."
I scoff. "No way. You guys are being too loud."
Julian glances at Ryan. I recognise the signal in his eyes. For some reason, I snap. The anger inside of me explodes, and I don't understand where it comes from.
"Holy shit, Julian," I half-yell, half-groan. "I'm just going to sleep. I'm tired. I told you that I didn't... it was a mistake. You're meant to trust me."
I am ready to walk away again but there are footsteps behind me and then a hand pulling me back. The firm hold is Julian's. He tells me, "I do trust you, Maya. But I can't take my chances. I need to know you'll be okay."
"I am okay! I am completely fine! Completely okay!"
Julian swallows. "Can you please try to sleep in here? For me?"
I glare at him. But Julian does not back down. So, I comply.
I avoid Ryan's eyes and lay down on the couch. I don't remember falling asleep. I don't remember much.
I do remember hearing my brother speak to me. The house is still, and Julian isn't here. I sit up and pull my knees to my chest. Ryan keeps his distance from me, he sits on the couch opposite and his eyes stare into space.
"If I knew this was going to happen, I would have never left," is all he says.
I glance around. "Where's Julian?"
Ryan ignores me. "I could have saved you from this..."
I frown. "You couldn't have."
"Julian told me it was Ma's fault. That's why you don't like talking about her."
I flinch. "What did he tell you?" I stammer.
Ryan finally sees me. I think for the first time since he's returned, he is seeing me. He says, "Not much. I know you... these problems were caused by her, though. You're so skinny, Maya. I don't understand why you want to be skinnier."
I gulp. "I don't want to be skinnier."
"You don't have to lie to me."
"I don't," I repeat more forcefully. "I don't."
"If you didn't, then why do you do this to yourself? You don't need to lose weight, Maya. I don't know what else to say to make sure you know that."
"I know," I say, softer. "Trust me, I know. I don't... I don't eat for other reasons, Ryan. I don't want to be skinnier. I've tried to put on more weight. It doesn't work anymore." I don't tell him, nor do I tell Julian that maybe I do like the skinniness. Maybe I do like being a little lighter, the numbers being a little lower than they should be.
"When why?" Ryan breaks. "Help me understand then."
"It's complicated."
"I'm your brother."
I almost cry. The tears threaten to escape. They are lodged in my throat. I feel like throwing up again. There are some secrets I keep away from the stars and moon that I may confess to Ryan. I did not expect to confess them so soon.
"When you left..." I don't know how to explain this story again. "I didn't eat much. I wasn't that hungry. We never had food in the house. I guess I didn't care that much. I didn't have time to eat, anyway. I was always so stressed or in bed or at school or out. There was no time for that."
"Maya–"
"It was comforting," I interrupt. "Having control over one part of my life when nothing else went my way. I suppose I couldn't get rid of the... urgencies to stop eating. To make sure everything goes my way. So, when I feel myself slipping... I don't know why I do it to myself. I just do."
Ryan and Julian do not like to be compared to each other. They appear similar, though not as similar as years ago when our father's identical features were the most recognisable on our faces. Now, they don't look so similar. But at this very moment, Ryan's tears, and his silent pleas remind me of my conversation with Julian on the front porch. They both share broken expressions; cold smiles, glass eyes and sunken cheeks. Their faces are washed out. They struggle not to cry in front of me, but they do anyway.
I don't know what to do. I press my knees against my chest and control my breathing. My secret is out to Ryan. Now he knows and I don't know how to feel about it.
"Maya?" My brother says my name after a long time.
"Yeah?"
"I'm sorry."
I swallow thickly. "It's okay, Ryan."
"No, no, it isn't." He pauses. "But I promise you that I'll be here for you from now on. I'll try to understand this. I won't let you go through this alone... again."
I don't know how to respond; whether I should nod my head or thank him or hug him.
I end up nodding my head.
I meet Ryan's glistening eyes of unshed tears.
Deep inside I know he's not lying. He's not going anywhere, and he will make sure I won't go through anything again.