The afternoon before we head into town is slow and uneasy.
Julian grows restless at my excuses. He's baked lasagne for some reason, and I'd rather not eat it. My cousin's a good cook but he knows it will be a push to try something he doesn't usually make. His excuse is that he wants to use more ingredients before we go out and buy more food. We usually settle on pasta and tomatoes, but he's taken his time with meat and different vegetables.
He pushes me further this afternoon than most afternoons. I give up. As I usually do. I go to my room and Julian follows quickly after me.
He apologises through the closed door. "We can go now," he speaks with hushed, sad words. "Sorry."
I should be the one apologising but he always ends up doing so.
"I'll get the car started," Julian then announces, and he leaves.
I join him, a minute after. I ignore his curious eyes and pull my hoodie down so he can't see my face. I end up falling asleep, so the two-hour car ride is faster. When I open my eyes, Julian hums a song that I do not know, and he glances at me.
"Morning sleeping beauty," he snickers.
"Shut up," I grumble and sit up straight. "How far away are we?"
"Not long."
"Can I drive?"
Julian thinks about it. "Sure, the drive back."
I'm satisfied and get comfortable. I don't pick up a book because I get car sick when I read whilst Julian drives. He isn't a bad driver, though. He's actually quite good.
When we arrive at the town, I stretch my legs and take in the air. Our journeys are as fast as they happen. We do not stay for long and grab everything we need before we go back. They know Julian's name. He's young and good-looking enough for people to talk about him when we enter the store. It's a tight town where everyone knows each other, and I know they have wild assumptions about us. We ignore them.
Julian heads to buy the groceries first. He has a list on his phone, and I follow him. He's talkative between the aisles and always has something to say. He fills the loud when I become quiet.
We go to the bookstore. Julian selects five books. I pick three and he makes fun of me because he bets that I won't finish them. He's probably right, I won't.
Before I think we'll leave, Julian points at the diner. "Do you want to grab something?"
"I'm not hungry."
"I am," Julian insists but I know he isn't because he ate both mine and his servings of lasagne, not wanting anything to go to waste. "C'mon, May. Like old times. Remember that small diner we'd go to after school?"
"You don't need to remind me." I could remember. I remember it all too well.
I end up following Julian, and I regret it the moment we enter. Eyes fall on us, wondering and curious eyes with questions of who we are. Those who know our faces want to know everything about us. To fuel the rumours. I guess that there isn't much they can talk about. They want more to talk about.
We sit down in a booth by the long window and Julian taps the menu.
A boy appears to take our order. I don't glance up until he speaks.
His nametag tells me his name is Ashton. His eyes are dark, wild, and slightly rough.
"What can I get you two?" he asks, and I notice how he does not have an accent like the locals. I think Julian notices too.
My cousin answers him for me. "Two iced teas and a meat burger."
"That all?" The boy asks.
Julian nods.
The waiter turns to me. "Are you going to order?"
With both their eyes on me, I take a deep breath in, and my eyes scan the menu fast. I end up with a burger too, indecisive, and unable to take the heat of his eyes longer.
"Nice, great choice," Ashton smiles. "Are you new around here?"
I shrug. "I guess."
"A date?" he asks, glancing at Julian.
I shake my head quickly. "He's my cousin."
"Oh. Right." Ashton leaves to give the kitchen our order. Julian smirks in my direction and I avoid his eyes.
"Shut up," I say.
"I didn't say anything."
"You did," I grumble.
"You ordered."
"He was looking at me! I didn't know what else to do!"
Julian then laughs loudly. He enjoys my suffering. Ashton returns with our drinks, but he stays. From the corner of my eye, I notice Julian's interest and I hope my cheeks aren't too red. Ashton is a good-looking guy, which is why my cousin makes fun of me. He has heard about my boy troubles, years ago. Not so much anymore because it's just us. Julian used to make fun of me so much that I did not tell him about my school crushes again, usually because he found ways to befriend them all.
Ashton asks, "What are you guys doing around here?"
"We live close," I mention.
"Oh," Ashton says and furrows his eyebrows because my answers don't make that much sense. "I'm Ashton, by the way."
"Maya,"
"I'm nineteen."
I nod. "Seventeen."
If I look at Julian, I bet he'd be grinning.
"So, you're here often?"
"Once every few weeks."
"Cool, cool."
Ashton leaves to serve another table and Julian almost starts laughing again.
"You're hopeless," he tells me like I didn't already know. He asks me, "Do you like him?"
"I don't even know him." I remind him, "Besides why would I tell you? You made fun of me when we were kids."
"You were younger back then."
"Geeze, okay."
"It's my job to make fun of you."
"It really isn't," I tell him.
Julian shrugs. "He's nineteen though. Boys are immature at that age."
"You weren't."
We left right after Julian's seventeenth birthday. He was not immature then. He changes the topic when Ashton returns with our food. He lingers for a moment, and I don't know what to say. Julian takes a bite of his burger, and his eyes glance between us, with a wonder of who will speak first.
Ashton ends up saying, "So I'll see you around?"
"Yeah," I say, without much agreeance because if I do, then it will be a few weeks from now and I doubt that the boy will remember who I am, or even my name.
Ashton asks awkwardly, "Can I get your number?" I turn to really look at him then. He's slightly tall and has a nice smile. He doesn't look like he belongs here, in this town, with these people. Then again, I guess no one really looks like they belong anywhere. Not me. Not Julian. The boy seems nice enough. I don't have the courage to say no and make him frown.
Julian ends up proposing, "How about you give her yours?"
Ashton nods his head quickly, and turns his head, likely peering at his manager to make sure they aren't watching. He finds a pen and scribbles his handwriting on a sticky note. His handwriting is messy, I notice. He folds the paper and hands it to me.
"I'll get in trouble if my manager catches me flirting with the customers. Nice to meet you May."
The boy returns to another table. He does not glance at me again.
I turn to Julian again. "Thanks," I say sarcastically.
"Someone needed to help you."
"I don't even have a phone."
"I bought you one," Julian says. "It's a flip phone so you'll only be able to text and call."
"Why?" I ask.
Julian shrugs.
I thank him and push my burger towards him. He begrudgingly accepts.
Once we finish (I drink half of Julian's iced tea) we take the long drive back home. I drive this time, and Julian tenses because I am not as good as a driver as him. But I'm alright and I blame the uneven roads and gravelly path, not my own skills.
When we drive back, our conversations are about the locals, and the stories Julian hears. They are never about boys. This time it is. Julian tries to get me to admit that Ashton was good-looking. I don't.
"You used to have a crush on every guy that was nice to you."
I can't deny his words because they are true.
"Will you call him?"
I think. "Maybe. I don't know."
"Well, you should. It's probably unhealthy that you don't talk to anyone your own age."
"Shouldn't you have considered that before we left?"
"Eyes on the road," Julian announces. Then he responds, "I don't know. I didn't really think much about it."
"I had a crush on one of your friends."
Julian scoffs. "No way you did. They were all gross."
"Gross?"
"You know what I mean. Who was it? How did I not know this?"
"It was Tony."
"Wait, what? Stop the car."
I don't stop the car. A million thoughts run through Julian's head. He winces. I wonder what he thinks. He isn't happy though, I can tell. Julian was always too good for his friends. They were immature and pickpocketed and shoplifted and were like all the local kids in the neighbourhood. There was also Tony, who was not that close to Julian, but he knew me well. It was a few summers ago when we spoke for the first time. I was invited to one of the parties his friends hosted. The last time I saw him was in his basement.
"Please tell me nothing happened."
"Do you want me to lie to you?" I don't lie to Julian. I don't think I ever have. We had to promise to be honest with each other a long time ago. We had to be close because we were doing something dangerous. By leaving, we left everything behind.
We fought a lot when we left. Julian was never angry, but I was. I was tired and confused and hurt and could not handle the change. It had been too much. Julian had sat with me one night, and under the stars, we promised honesty and truth. We would get through this together.
"No, I don't," Julian groaned. "Tell me, then."
"We kissed. A few times."
"Kissed?"
"Made out," I corrected.
"May," Julian stretches out my name, disappointed. He shouldn't be. He should have expected it.
"The first time in his basement. I didn't really ever say goodbye."
"Nothing else happened?"
"No."
"Okay then," Julian exhales, almost relieved. "I cannot believe you."
"Trust me, it was hard for us to keep it away from you. And Tony was a horrible kisser."
Julian laughs loudly although I know he doesn't really want to.
When we arrive back home, Julian pulls me into a headlock and messes my hair. I try and shove him away but he's stronger. He then tickles my side and I laugh for what feels like the first time in a long time. I then help him pull the groceries back into the kitchen, and after Julian hands me my phone. I place it on my bedside table, next to Ashton's phone number. I don't call him. I don't think I will.