"...Yes I- I did"
Three words. Those three small words felt like they changed everything the moment they came out of my mouth
Sat on the sofa in Ale's arms having just admitted to drinking again, every possible emotion was running through my mind, but fear was the one that I felt the most. I knew how much my drinking had strained our relationship in the past and it was back to try and break us again.
"I'm sorry Ale, I don't-"
"Stop, I'm the one who should be sorry, you wouldn't be drinking if I didn't keep messing everything up" she immediately stopped me, kissing my forehead before pulling me closer into her body.
"That's not true" I mumbled into her chest, already hating where this conversation was heading.
"Isy, you drank last night because I upset you with the whole apartment thing... you drank when I saw Jenni and didn't tell you about it. I'm the issue here Isy. I'm the reason."
"You aren't!" I immediately objected, sitting up and looking Ale directly in the eye.
Her hazel eyes met mine immediately. "Ok... w-when was the last time you drank before that?" She asked calmly.
"I d-don't-"
"I'm not angry I promise, I just want to understand" she interjected, trying to calm me down.
"At Paradiso..."
"The day you came back and I turned up at dinner unannounced?" She asked emotionally, my answer clearly upsetting her.
I pressed my lips into a flat line and nodded gently, not wanting to answer out loud as the pattern became clearer for the both of us.
"And before that?"
"Not for about 6 months" I mumbled reluctantly.
Ale pulled me close into her chest once again, wrapping her arms around my waist and planting her lips on my forehead in a gentle kiss. The silence was immediately filled by thoughts running around my head. My drinking had been better whilst I was in Manchester, but in the 6 months since being home it had become much more frequent and each time had somehow been linked to Ale and I.
Her grip around my waist tightened as time went on before she eventually started talking again, but I knew where this was going just by the tone in her voice.
"I can't-"
"Ale please don't say it"
"I can't be the reason that your drinking gets worse Isy, I can't do that to you and I can't see you hurt yourself like that again... not because of me"
I tried to interrupt her, but it was no use, she had already come to the conclusion that our relationship was what was triggering my drinking again.
"I love you so much, but maybe I'm not the right person for you anymore, not if you have to drink to be with me"
"I don't need to drink to be with you Ale, I love you so much, It's just that when I get upset it's the only thing that helps."
"I'm the person making you upset Isy and no matter how much I try not to I am going to mess up and I can't keep doing this to you. Maybe we jumped back into us too soon because it was so great before, but it's been two years and we've changed, we aren't the people we were back then, as much as I want us to be we aren't. My decisions ruined us last time and now I have to make that decision again, but this time for different reasons... this time it's for you not for me"
"Please don't leave me again Ale" I pleaded hopelessly.
"I'm not leaving you carino. I just think we just need to take some time to get to know each other again... to see if we are still right for each other and I think that you need some time to figure out what is causing you to drink again."
"O-ok if that's what you want then-"
"It's not what I want... not at all, but I think it's what we need. I want to start our lives again from the right place, not like this. I am still going to be right here whenever you need me carino, whether we are together or not, you'll always have me."
We sat there on the sofa in each other's arms for a while longer, neither of us wanting to be the first to move, because that would mean that everything would change. A 'break' would take the place of us, we wouldn't be Isy and Ale any more... not for the moment anyway and that was terrifying.
After what felt like forever we finally untangled ourselves from each other. Getting to my feet I couldn't look at Ale, because looking into those hazel eyes would break me... the tears would immediately start to flow and I knew that once they did I would not be able to stop them.
I headed upstairs to the bedroom that we had shared for the last few months, my belongings had spread across the room, my clothes had filled the wardrobe, and my favorite blanket had found a home on her bed. It had started to feel like home... our home, but that had just been put on hold. I didn't know where my home was right now, because my apartment definitely didn't feel like home anymore.
Once I had packed the essentials into an overnight bag, I made my way back downstairs. As I reached the bottom of the stairs I immediately noticed Ale who was leaning against the kitchen cabinet, her face red and blotchy, her eyes glistening with tears. It was obvious that she had been crying, just as I had done upstairs. I slowly made my way towards her, placing my bag on the floor before wrapping my arms around the back of her neck and resting my forehead against hers.
"I'll see you tomorrow ok?" I spoke softly.
Ale nodded gently, before placing her hands on my lower back and holding me tightly
"You are the right person for me, Ale, you always have been and always will be, but you're right. I need to sort my head out before we start our lives together properly, I've come back to Barcelona and my drinking has come back too, but I promise you I'll figure it out and I'll come right back to you"
"I love you so much Isy" she breathed as she held me tightly to her body.
"I love you too, ok? More than the stars in the sky"
I headed back to my apartment that evening, leaving Ale and all the plans that we had just made behind. It felt like I was taking two steps backward for every one that we had taken forward together, but I knew that eventually we would get to our destination. We would get a house together like we had planned, we would get married, we would have the kids that we had talked about all those years ago... we would get to the finish line even if it took longer than I had imagined.