Flashback.
Isy had always enjoyed drinking, but it had gotten a lot worse since her ankle injury in a preseason game. She had been out for almost nine months, since her ankle had been broken by a bad tackle in a friendly against Bayern Munich. It had been one of the worst injuries that I had ever witnessed on a football pitch. Her studs were planted in the grass as the opposing player slid in at speed from a few meters away, her foot making full contact with the side of Isy's leg and snapping it clean in half.
A broken tibia, broken fibula and torn ankle ligaments all required surgery. Screws, metal plates and pins were all used to fix her bones back together again and after four months she was finally able to walk again without crutches, but it didn't stop there. She was still in a lot of pain which only got worse as she began to put weight onto her newly healed ankle. After a check up with her surgeon and subsequent scans it became clear that there was an issue with one of the screws in her leg which needed fixing, meaning yet another surgery and a further delay to her recovery. Initially she was only due to be out for six months, but with the complications it became much longer meaning that she would miss the entire season, something which she had really struggled to deal with.
She tried to stay as positive as possible for the first couple of months, coming to as many of our games as possible, working as hard as she could with the physios and putting all her effort into getting back on the pitch as soon as she possibly could, but the setback changed all of that.
After her second surgery she practically gave up, she hardly left the house except for doctors appointments and the essential physio sessions, doing as much of her rehab as she could at home. She hated being at the training center and she hated seeing anyone else kick a ball so much that she stopped coming to any of our games.
She had started drinking more since her injury, not everyday, but when she was feeling down it was her way of coping with her emotions. I had noticed it more in the last few weeks, coming back from the last few away games to find empty bottles filling the recycling bins. I had tried to speak to her about it multiple times, but each time she dismissed my concerns. I was worried though, and the fact that she was hiding her drinking from me made it even worse.
I had no idea how bad it was, that was until the last game of the 2019 season.
_________
"Isy, please... I really want you there"
"I can't Ale. I've got rehab to do and to be honest I can't face sitting in the stands and watching you lift another trophy without me" She dismissed me almost immediately.
She spoke with such little emotion, but I knew that she was angry... angry at the situation she was in... angry about the reckless tackle which had taken almost a whole year of football from her and angry that the team had been successful without her.
Anger is a normal emotion for any footballer, it's always hard seeing your team do well without you, it makes you feel insignificant, you have doubts about your place in the team and wonder whether you are actually needed anymore. It's almost easier to see your team struggle without you, because it makes you feel needed... it makes you feel missed.
"Isy..."
"You're still part of the team, that trophy is as much yours as it is any of ours"
"No Ale! It's not! I haven't kicked a ball at all this season, I haven't contributed a single thing to winning that trophy, it's yours... nothing about it is mine so stop pretending that it is" She shouted, the anger beginning to make its way to the surface.
"Nobody except you thinks that... we all want you there with us"
"Well I don't want to be there with you. I want to stay here on my own... I've gotten pretty used to my own company over the last few months" She spat as she left the kitchen and made her way upstairs.
"What's that supposed to mean Isy?" I called after her, feeling that her words had a deeper meaning than simply just what she had said.
"Isy?!"
The only answer I got was the sound of the bathroom door slamming closed.
I was due to leave in about 15 minutes, but I knew that I couldn't leave things like this... I couldn't leave her like this, so I quickly made my way up the stairs and towards the closed bathroom door.
I turned the handle and tried to open the door, but it was locked. I could hear her sobbing on the other side, the sound immediately breaking my heart.
"Isy, please open the door" I said, gently knocking on the wooden door between us.
"Carino, please let me in... I just want to give you a hug, I hate seeing you like this"
"Just go Ale" She mumbled through the door.
"I'm not going anywhere until you open the door"
After a few moments of silence, the door unlocked and Isy appeared in the doorway, her head bowed as she stared directly at the floor.
"It's open, you can go now"
"I don't want to leave you like this..."
"I'm fine Ale" She smiled sarcastically, brushing past me and heading towards the bedroom.
I followed her down the hall and into our bedroom, watching as she sat on the end of the bed and buried her head in her hands. I crouched down in front of her, placing my hands on her knees.
"I'm so sorry that this happened to you Carino, if I could swap places with you I would, because I hate seeing you like this... I hate that you are hurting and I can't do anything to fix it. I'm sorry that I have been away so much, every time I have to leave you here on your own to go to training or a match I hate myself. I hate that I can't take your pain away, I hate that I haven't been here when you've needed me and hate that I have to leave you like this"
My phone buzzed in my pocket a few moments after I had finished speaking, it was Mapi. She was waiting in her car outside the house as she was giving me a lift to the airport.
"That's Mapi... I need to go" I mumbled as I got to my feet.
"I love you" I mumbled into her hair as I placed a kiss on top of her head.
I picked up my bag and made my way out of the bedroom. Just as I reached the top of the stairs, Isy's voice stopped me in my tracks.
"I love you too" She spoke softly, her voice cracking slightly.
The next twenty four hours flew by, and before I knew it the game was over, the season was over and we were champions. After lifting the trophy and celebrating on the pitch we all made our way back into the locker room, the music was blaring and the team were over the moon, but I only had one thing on my mind... one person on my mind. Isy
I had sent her multiple texts since I left, checking in and making sure she was ok, but had had no response. I knew that she just probably didn't want to talk, but I was worried, so I had asked Alba to drop in on her and check that she was ok.
I was sitting watching the team celebrations, Mapi and Leila dancing around the locker room singing at the top of their voices, the rest of the girls either joining in or filming them on their phones, when my phone started to ring in my bag. I pulled my phone out of my kitbag and saw that it was Alba calling, I answered the call immediately, hoping that she was just calling to let me know that Isy was fine, but that wasn't the case.
"Hey Albs"
"Ale... h-have you seen any of my texts?" She asked, her voice sounding stressed.
"No, I've only just come off the pitch. Is everything ok?"
"Um- Isy's on her way to the hospital. She-"
"WHAT?! What happened?"
"I don't know... she was passed out on the floor when I got here"
"Is she hurt!?"
"She has a cut on her head, but it doesn't look too bad"
"Was she drunk??"
There was a moment of pause in our conversation, Alba hadn't answered but I knew that she was still there, the sound of her breathing echoing through my ear.
"Albs I know you love Isy, but I need you to tell me the truth..."
"... Yeah, she was"
"I'm leaving now, but can you go with her? I don't want her to be on her own"
"Of course"
______
I arrived at the hospital almost three hours later, heading straight to the reception desk to find out where Isy was. I was waiting for the receptionist to finish with the person in front of me when I saw my mother walking towards me.
"Where is she mamá? Is she ok?" I asked impatiently as I made my way towards her.
"She's ok... her scan was all clear and they've stitched her up, she's going to be fine"
"Where is she? I need to see her" I asked again, only focused on seeing Isy with my own two eyes... hoping for the best, but expecting the worst.
"Her rooms down here" She said as she wrapped her arm around my waist and lead me down the hall towards Isy's room.
Alba was sat on a chair in the hospital hallway with a coffee in hand when she saw us she immediately stood up from her seat, a worried and sympathetic look plastered across her face.
"She's asleep, but she'll be so happy that you're here when she wakes up"
"I'm not so sure about that ..." I mumbled as I looked through the window into her room. There she was, asleep in the hospital bed, a bandage on her head, dressed in one of those awful gowns with an IV hooked up to fluids in her arm. She looked much smaller and weaker than she ever had. She didn't look like my Isy anymore and seeing her here made me realise how bad it had gotten.
"She's been asking for you, since the moment I got there all she's talked about is when you are getting here"
I didn't know what to say, I didn't even know what to think... all I could do was stare at Isy through the window. My mothers soft voice distracted me for a moment, causing me to turn away from Isy.
"Ale, do you want us to leave you two alone? We love you, and if you want us to stay we will, but I'm not sure that we should be here when she wakes up..."
"Yeah... maybe you're right. Thank you both for being here, I really appreciate it and I know that Isy does too"
They left me there in the hallway not long after, as much as I wanted them here to support me through this, I knew that Isy would need some space when she woke up, we needed to talk and that would be so much harder if she was surrounded by my family.
I finally entered her room, gently closing the door behind me before slowly making my way towards the chair beside her bed. I placed my hand on top of hers, not wanting to wake her up, but wanting her to know that I was here.
"I love you so much carino" I whispered as I rubbed my thumb back and forth across the back of her hand.
"Ale?" she croaked as she slowly began to open her eyes.
"Yeah, it's me. i'm here"
"I'm so sorry" she mumbled, attempting to sit up slightly, but wincing in pain as she did.
"You shouldn't be here... I told her not to call you. You should be out celebrating with the team, not here with me like this."
"I don't want to be anywhere else right now. You need me and I'm right here... I'm not going anywhere"
"Can I have a cuddle?" Isy asked, the tears beginning to pool in her eyes as she looked up at me.
I immediately climbed onto the bed next to her, wrapping my arms around her and pulling her tightly into my chest. She began to sob into my t-shirt uncontrollably, gripping the material in her fists as she let all her emotions pour out.
"I'm struggling Ale" she mumbled into my chest, her body relaxing as she finally admitted how she was feeling, not just to me, but to herself. She had spent months pretending that she was ok, and finally realising that she wasn't released all of the emotions she had been holding in.
"I know you are" I whispered, before placing a kiss on the top of her head.
"We don't need to talk about it right now if you aren't ready, but at some point we need to have a conversation about your drinking. I'm really worried, Isy. I can't get another phone call like I did today, it scared me"
....
"I know that it's bad, but it stops me feeling things... the endless physio and rehab, the pain, the hurt about being out for so long, missing you... it just all goes away when I drink. It's the only thing that helps..."