Welp.. I meant to post this chapter like two three months ago, not 5 months later. I aplogise. I intend to finish this story though hopefully around August or something.. probably. There will probably be another time jump in the new chapter or not. I hope I will be able to finally explore Benedict's and Eleanor's strained relationship. And lastly I would like to say two no three things. 1. As always sorry for shitty Grammar. 2. It is past 3 over here, that is why I do not write often because it is so time consuming, also I because I start too many new fics and 3. I am sorry about something in this chapter but.. what will happen has always been the outcome I had in my mind. 4 (yeah another point). I do NOT reread my fics as I cringe so sorry for any repeat dialogue in previous chapters.
*******
Heavenly. Benedict couldn't describe it any other way. Feeling her in his arms, his lips pressed to hers, being allowed to kiss her completely senseless, it was the most wonderful feeling he had had in years. She was hesitant at first in her response to the kiss but soon she too was lost in the sensation, that insurmountable feeling that this was how it should be, her in his arms, as if her body was made for him and vice versa, fitting like a glove.
Not breaking contact with her he traces her collarbone with his hand, revelling in the sensation of her skin but his fingers want to explore more and move downwards. Carefully, very carefully as if Benedict didn't want to startle her, he slides his palm over her right breast and palms her. It makes him lose control and a moment later he is touching everywhere, starting with cupping both of her breasts. The sensation is too much for both to handle, he feels himself shaking and she too shudders, but it isn't enough for Benedict's as he wishes to feel more and more. One hand reaches for her back where he starts to stroke her gently, up, and down before giving up all pretence of going slow and grabbing her behind and pushing her body even closer.
He wants her now, this second, all of her but when he reaches for the lower region of her dress and pushes it upwards, she breaks away with a sharp pull and retreats, talking a few steps away from him. She backs away to a nearby wall and stays there, remaining just as out of breath as he did.
"We can't do this" is the only thing she says.
Benedict lets out an oath so foul his mother would have slapped him upside the head twice if she had heard it. It takes him a while to composed himself, not an easy task and it took him several times going through his hair, something he usually did out of nervousness, to calm himself. When he was ready to face her he found her still standing against the wall, trying as hard to calm herself as he had done.
She looks distraught, very distraught and he hates seeing her like this.
"Alina..." he begins.
"What have I done?"
"Alina. Please..-."
"My God, what did I do?" she repeated, this time her voice seemed equally more pinched.
"Nothing wrong my love. You haven't done anything wrong" he replied in a soothing tone. She was close to crying he saw, and all Benedict wanted was to comfort her, to take her in his arms and tell her it would be all right again.
Benedict takes in her direction, but she moves away from him and is unwilling to glance in his direction..
""Look at me," he says gently but she doesn't comply. "Look at me Alina."
She does and it is a mistake because he is gazing at her with such an endearing expression that it makes her melt.
He on the other hand can't help himself and shortens the distance between them, wishing to get nearer. His wish is granted as he is soon standing in close vicinity of Alina once more.
"You didn't do anything wrong" he whispers, staring into her eyes and when he does he is again consumed with desire, they both are but this time she pulls away last second, leaving Benedict without the feeling of her lips on his.
"Goddamn it" he curses, not caring if is appropriate or not as she sees her walk over to the opposite direction of the room. This time he doesn't follow her as he is trying to compose himself. It is then that an idea formulates in his mind that he wishes to convey.
"This back-and-forth thing that we do. It needs to end, I am not willing to be a willing participant in this madness anymore" Benedict says exasperatedly and it crushed Alina, these words, he was right, but it crushed her.
"You're right. It should stop. We shouldn't see each other again, ever", she states.
"That's not what I meant, Alina, not what I meant at all".
"Then what do you- "
"Divorce him", he demands.
"What?", she asks with a shocked intonation.
"You heard me..." he states with determination and this time he does move somewhat over towards her.
She shakes her head.
"You aren't being sensible right now".
"Do you think I care?, he counters.
"We cannot be together", she states with exasperation, "didn't we go over this before. Didn't I explain why, before?".
"Oh well please do me a favour as my memory seems to be lacking and do tell me once more," Benedict stated in annoyed manner.
"Your family will not be able to survive the scandal.. Think about it, a divorce will lead to a scandal. They will have a field day if they find out who I am- '.
"Oh bugger, there we go again with you mentioning the scandal. Allow me to settle that once and for all. I don't care! I don't. Please believe me. The entire ton can gossip to their hearts desire for all I care because all I want is you. I don't care what people say but it if makes you happy, we can leave. Reside in the country, you, and me together.".
"And what my child.. Or yours for that matter??" she asked him, and the question sobered Benedict up instantly.
"What do you mean?", he wishes to know, and the manner of voice is a bit hesitant.
"I doubt your wife will let you see your child if you divorce. or maybe she will leave London.", she explained to him gently. His eyes grew large, and she could see that he wanted to argue vigorously but last second held back.
"She wouldn't do that," he said but the words are uttered in a slight sense of disbelief because he knew Alina had a point. It was realistic a real possibility that Eleanor would leave London and he would never see Charlotte again or at least little. The thought broke his heart, then a moment later he feels nothing but anger about the whole situation.
"So, what are you suggesting, that we perpetuate the current, unsatisfying, unhappy current status quo?".
"Sometimes it is better to let things be", she argues, weakly I might add.
"Oh well, isn't this neat? I guess, we are back at bloody square one which is pretending to go with on with our lives and denying each other's existence."
"It is what is best for both of us. We have no other choice. It must end here. Look at what we have done? You and I are both married and committed a sin today. It was wrong ".
Benedict scoffed and shook his head but then he faced her, his eyes brimming with fire in it....
"I kissed the woman I love. If that is wrong and a sin as you say, may the ground swallow me whole right now and let the demons come up from below and summon me to go with them. I shall oblige willingly. I will be perfectly happy in spending all of eternity in purgatory if necessary because I am in hell anyway. I am. I feel terrible all the time and I miss you constantly and I hate that. I do. I see my brothers and sister happily married and I am jealous... jealous of my own siblings because they have what I don't have.
I have become such an awful person that I begrudge the happiness of my siblings? And while I'm being frank and bearing it all to you I wish to inform you that I curse myself most days of the week and drink myself a stupor because because the alcohol drowns you out, somehow it does. It is the only way I can stop thinking about you.
The only reason I am still in London has to do with my daughter otherwise I would have left long ago because the thought of YOU living in the same city as me, breathing the same air as I do, but being so far away from me at the same time, is too much for me to handle. I must stop myself from not going to see you. As I stand here I must restrain myself from taking you to where you belong which is MY BED, Alina. My bed, NOT HIS but I can't, and it is infuriating. So frustrating because it is like having the entire world at your fingertips but not being able to grasp it and I am incredibly tired of feeling this way. Aren't you?".
She wanted to speak. She wanted to say that she was tired too, that every time she laid with her husband all she could think of was him, how the lack overwhelmed her at the most unexpected moments, how the thought of him suddenly occurred to her. He was inescapable.
The clock struck five and it made her realise she should have been back a long time ago.
"I should go. It is getting too late. Could you please inquire if my clothes are dry," she spoke in a matter-of-fact fashion, but Benedict could hear the sadness in her voice.
He heaved a sigh of defeat and did what she asked of her.
"Of course. I will ask my butler."
A few minutes later, they stood outside in silence, silent, and Alina walked towards the garden door but before grabbing the handle, she turned to him.
"Thank you for helping," she spoke softly.
"You're welcome. Benedict Bridgerton, at your service "and he made a saluting gesture "next time you are around again and find yourself in the rain" he says with a sad smile.
She summons the handle to me and walks out, leaving his premises but she stills in her movements quickly after as she hears him call for her, gently. She turns and sees him standing by the door, eager to speak to her.
"I should stop speaking perhaps but keeping my mouth has never been my virtue. Sometimes that pains me but sometimes I am glad for saying my peace, even if it is better to keep silent but that is impossible because I love you. With all my heart. I believe that as much as we want to deny it so much and as much as we both think, every time that it is over between us, that it is hopeless we both know that we will see each other again because you and I... we belong together. Whether it is now or over 1 year or 5 or 10, our paths will cross again. There will never be a goodbye so when our paths do cross my only hope is that we will be able to continue the same road, together. I am not saying goodbye to you."
"I am saying till we meet again".
She knew he was right, their paths would cross once more, however she refrained from comment. Instead, she ignored the truth, gave him one last look, and walked away.
*******
He knew she had to be at the back entrance of the building because she was obviously never allowed to use the main entrance. The streets here were narrow and it was easy to take a wrong 'turn'. And Tommy did as he ended up at Benedict's alley , as soon as he saw Alina he felt a sense of relief.
He was just about to walk up to her and surprise her but then he heard someone else walking up the path and dived away, hiding from the corner he was standing at where a wall obscuring was his presence.
He had listened to the words uttered and almost immediately afterwards his sense of joy at seeing her had turned to compelete sadness.... He felt petrified, unable to move, long after he had seen hurried walk away with an expression on her face that seemed to radiate regret, and confusion.
His intention had been to treat her to a night out. The two of them together, sans Alphie.. Tommy had already arranged Alphie to stay with his mother. . The only person he had to convince to give Alina time off was Madame Delacroix, but Tommy saw no problems in it as Genevieve and he were friendly, and Genevieve would surely allow her number one seamstress/consultant a few hours off.
He had dropped by Madame Delacroix's and Genevieve wasn't the one that greeted her.
"Can I help you?" a woman of small stature and ruddy blonde hair asked him.
"Surely you are not going to tell me you have come to have a dress made" she chuckled.
"Sadly no, I have already ordered all of my new garderobe" Tommy joked.
"I'm looking for Alina. I'm her husband. Is she there?"
"No, but she should have been back by now " replied Molly as she glanced at the clock.
"When did she leave?" asked Tommy worriedly.
"A few hours back, let me have a peek at the appointment book" said Molly as she went through the appointments book.
"The consultation was a little after three. It usually takes an hour", Molly explained.
This alarmed Tommy even more. Perhaps something had happened to her, London was not an easy city to live in, he could think of five things at the top of his head that could have happened to him. She could have been mugged or in an instance of inattention had she crossed over and been hit, recently something similar had happened.
"Will you give me the address please? Then I will look for her myself. " he requested.
"Certainly" Molly answered, and she wrote the address on a piece of paper whereupon Tommy thanked her and walked away.
A few minutes later, Genevieve walked her out with her clientele.
"The dresses will be ready in a week, but I will inform you when exactly," Genevieve stated sweetly. When they were gone, her 'customer-friendly' set face shifted into the normal apathy Molly was used to from her.
"Molly, Did I hear someone come in just now while I was busy? ".
"Uh yes. It was Alina's husband. He was looking for her".
"I see. Did they leave together? It is not Alina not to say anything" frowned Genevieve.
"No, Madame Delacroix. Alina hasn't returned yet".
"Well, that is odd", Genevieve thought.
"Let me check the book" Genevieve remarked as she walked over to the counter, turned the item towards her and saw where Alina had been summoned to go. She didn't think anything of it until she saw the details of the location The penny didn't drop right away yet but when it did, terror swept over her and she knew exactly why Alina hadn't returned yet or at least who she had run into, with certainty.
"Did you give him the address? The location of the client Alina was visiting?" wanted Genevieve to know.
"Yes, of course," Molly replied cheerfully but upon seeing the expression on her employers face, Molly realised that she had, somehow, made a big mistake.
**********
He waited but it didn't take long thankfully for the gentleman in question to come out. Tommy recognised him right away. The posh looking man who had come by his place a few months, the man he'd already wondered what he was doing in 'that part' of London because he didn't belong there. Tommy watched as he stepped down the stairs, seemingly just as distraught as Alina was.
It was then that it hit him. He loved her, this man, the thought had spontaneously occurred to him as a truth that could no longer be disguised.... And what was worse, they loved each other. Tommy knew it with every fibre of his being and the idea crushed him. His head hurt. His heart hurt. Everything hurt. Tommy now realised very well why Alina had not wanted to marry him because she was in love with another man.
He had been an absolute fool. All he ever wanted was for her to feel the same way about him, even though his mother had declared him crazy and told him so. That there was something about Alina that he shouldn't have trusted her, but he had been too blind, and of trust and too blindly in love with her. All those years he had loved her, first secretly and silently until he finally gathered the courage to express his feelings.
When she had agreed to marry him, he had felt like the luckiest man in the world. He was happy, they were together, the three of them were happy but it was a lie.
All he wanted to know now was to know what the name was of the man who held Alina's heart. He thought of a ruse to find out and rang the doorbell with an excuse and said he was a fruit vendor and had a delivery of fruit for the Sullington family.
"First of all, this is not the address of the Sullingtons, sir. Secondly, vendors should present themselves at the back entrance, not at the front".
"Oh, my apologies. Are you sure this is not the address of the Sullingtons? Or have they moved? I could have sworn I delivered here earlier..." Tommy asked innocently.
"Quite sure! What an impertinent question, who do you think you are to speak to me like that? Yet to answer your question; Benedict Bridgerton, and his wife Eleanor Bridgerton reside here.. Now make haste and leave before I make you!' replied the butler angrily.
*******
"Oh God.. No."
"Now listen to me, chances are you missed each other, and he didn't see you" consoled Genevieve after hearing Alina's confession. Fools, she thought. Utter fools but she herself knew better than anyone that love twisted and turned everything what appeared to be logical into illogical.
"Go home and pretend nothing is wrong, okay. Whatever you do. try to act as if nothing is amiss, alright?" suggested Genevieve.
Alina nodded absentmindedly before getting her things and leaving.
When she arrived home she found him sitting at the small table with a glass of whiskey in his hand staring, just staring at the floor. When she entered he looked up briefly, facing her and then staring at the floor again.
"Hello" she greeted, unsure.
"Hello to you too", he said before taking a sip of his whiskey.
"You're home late from work", he remarked.
"My appointment ran late", she replied, already hating having lied to him.
Tommy nodded but said nothing and took a second gulp of his whiskey.
"Where is... "
"Alphie is with my mother. Will spend the night there," he replied gruffly, still not staring at her.
Silence. Deafening silence until the bomb erupted.
"I wasn't aware that men were also are a part of Genevieve's clientele," he said as he narrowly..
Oh my God. He knows, is all she can think.
"Gentlemen like Benedict. Bridgerton" and Tommy expressed the last two words with venom in his tone but at the same time she couldn't help but notice how heartbroken and hurt he looked.
"Tommy. Listen. Let me please explain", Alina stated as she felt guilt sweeping over her.
"No. Let me! Allow ME to explain " Tommy screamed as he rose from his seat.
"You spend years loving someone from a distance, hoping that one day! One day, she might feel the same as you do! You hope against better judgment, against ALL reason that she might love you, as stupid and silly as it sounds", Tommy said with a teary expression.
"And when she finally says yes, finally agrees to be with you, you delude yourself by thinking that she will grow to love you... but she doesn't and hasn't nor will she ever..."
"That is not true," Alina says, shaking her head.
"Don't lie to me! DON'T. At least give me the decency of not lying to me because... because I saw", it is there his voice cracks.
"I saw", Tommy repeats " how he looked at you and moreover.... I saw how you looked at him. You love him don't you?".
They lock eyes with each other. She sees devastation in his eyes, and he sees compassion in hers and she doesn't have to answer the question, he knew anyway but there is one other thing he must know as well. Tommy doesn't know why but the question is burning him alive.
"Did you sleep with him? Since we are married? Did... you today?".
"No. I did not! I did not sleep with him! You must believe me", Alina protests, tears flowing over her face.
"How can I know for sure? So, you are telling me that nothing, absolutely nothing has occurred between the two of you. Is that the truth, Alina? Is it?"
He is hoping she'll answer positively because a foolish side of him still loves her, still hates seeing her this way, still wants to comfort her, still loves her, still is willing to fight, if not for her only then also for Alphie. If nothing has happened between the two of them, they might, if nothing has occurred, he might be able to forgive her, at one point, maybe. Maybe.
Yet her silence was deafening, and he draws his conclusion as she is unable to give him a reply.
"You kissed him didn't you?".
He hasn't felt as horrible as he does now in his entire lifetime and he wants to escape, away from this place and far away from it. He walks back to the table, gets his jacket, and walks away with firm steps.
"Tommy. I am so sorry. So sorry, please forgive me. No, don't go, please" she begs but he ignores her desperate plea and leaves.
***********
It's 6am and he hasn't returned yet. Her level of concern is through the roof as this is nothing he usually does. She hasn't been able to sleep all night wrecked by the evening's events. She is worried sick but a second later relieved, as she hears someone knocking on the door. She expected to see Tommy who probably forgot his key when he left, hence the reason he didn't enter.
But what she sees is a police officer. He introduces himself as constable Tate and asks.
"Mrs. Watson?"
"Yes?".
"Would you please come outside? It is rather important I speak to you."
She grabs a robe and quickly puts it on, grabbing her key a moment later.
"Thank you.. Mrs. Watson, there is no right way to say this. I have unfortunately come bearing bad news. "
"Your husband Tommy had an accident early this morning. We presume that he was in an inebriated state and therefore probably unaware that he was walking into traffic".
Alina stared at him tensely and for a moment she seemed to forget to breathe.
"I regret to inform you that he had an accident.... and did not make it".
Instantly all the air was sucked away from her lungs and a second later the world went black.