[JOURNAL ENTRY]
07 April 2013
I've lost count of the amount of times people have asked me how I've managed to stay happy when I'm away from my family for so long.
I don't have the heart to tell them that it isn't about me finding happiness away from my family, it's my family finding happiness away from me.
Some times the things my family does just don't make sense anymore.
My mom, working all the time. She's always been like this since I could remember, but back then she always said 'we need the money' or 'someone has to pay the bills'. And I never asked any more questions.
I wonder what she would say if I asked her now.
Because I have millions of dollars in a bank account. And that's more than enough to have a comfortable and frankly, luxurious lifestyle for the rest of our lives.
So why does she need to work so much?
My dad, never quite in the picture, always just a shadow in my life. So focused on himself and his work he forgets he even has a family.
And when he does remember, he's strict and controlling.
I sometimes want to scream at him, 'You weren't my dad when I needed you the most, not when I begged you to be my dad. What gives you the right to act as if you're entitled an opinion to my life?'
But I don't.
My sister, always the perfect sibling, the one my parents love. She's nice and polite, she's smart and polished, she's all shiny where I'm rusted.
My parents have always favored her.
So I learned to find love in other people.
I really wish I could cut my family out of my life. Because if I didn't love them so much, they wouldn't be able to hurt me.
But no matter how hard I try, I still love them and I still long for their love.
And it's broken my heart a million times.
a/n: good morning/night/afternoon depending on your timezone.
i want to go back to sleep but i have things to do, so here's a lil something extra to keep y'all happy.
remember to vote and comment because i crave validation. love ya <3