I drummed my fingers on the steering wheel to the song playing on the radio. Jamie stared absentmindedly out the window. The silence between us was comfortable if a bit loaded.
All the papers, lists, advice and the schedule were in the backseat. Despite being one of the most intimating pieces of paper I'd ever been handed, it was nicely decorated with alphabet blocks and teddy bears. The tiny writing in each box spelt out a number of different regression goals to hit, but with lots of room to adapt it to Jamie's needs.
But the main thing on my mind was what doctor eggleston said needed to be enforced asap. Meals, sleep and most importantly... padding.
Protection, padding, diapering whatever you call it, was something Jamie obviously needed. I'd shyed away from the confrontation about it for a while now, considering how sensitive jam's been (and understandably so).
I already knew thicker protection was the right way to go, but now I had the doctor backing me up. So I hoped Jamie would be more willing to listen to reason.
On top of that, it was a chance for me to exercise my authority, my now real legitimate authority what with the adoption process actually beginning.
That's still insane to think it's actually happening, Jamie's really gonna be my baby. Well, we're a ways off but it's happening.
As we drove home I made a plan for bringing up the dreaded padding. Strategising the different ways to approach and imaging how Jamie would react. The majority of my imagi-jams ended up going balistic, which was something I definitely wanted to avoid.
I snuck another little glance at Jamie as they watched out the window, June seated casually on their lap. They were so fragile, a sentiment I knew Jamie wouldnt want to hear, but it was true.
These days it didn't take alot to get Jamie upset. The entire situation had taken such a toll on them, and I didn't want to overwhelm them anymore. But I wasn't going to let up on this.
I pulled up into my usual spot outside the house. Jamie threw off their belt and went for the door before I'd even fully stopped the car. A habit I was not a fan of.
"Hold on-"
And Jamie was already standing outside the car, turning their head at me quizzically. I stopped the car and got out myself, before walking around and shutting the passenger door that was still wide open.
"Jam you have to wait till I properly stop the car before getting out, it's dangerous"
Jamie looked down at their feet, completely ignoring me. I sighed and let it slide, instead starting up the path and asking.
"I'm gonna make some breakfast for myself, are you still hungry?
Jamie shrugged, I noticed a little pout.
"Well would you eat some eggs? Toast?"
Jamie nodded and we entered the house, heading right on through to the kitchen.
Jam hopped into their seat while I got to work. Taking out the pan, eggs, oil and of course bread, what would the eggs be without toast. When suddenly Jamie whined.
"I wanna help"
I was a little taken aback. I turned to see they'd already gotten up onto their knees to see what I was doing better.
"Oh course jam, foods always better when we do it together"
Jamie nodded, still with a little pout on their face.
I was just going to do fried eggs, which didn't really need alot of help, given I could most likely do it with a hand tied behind my back. So I struggled for a moment to think of something to get Jamie to do.
"Here Jam"
I pulled their chair over so they could get a better vantage point, and showed them the carton of eggs.
"I need you pick out your eggs Bambi"
Jamie nodded, now completely concentrated as I put the eggs down on the counter. Allowing them to really ponder over the eggs while I heated up the small drop of oil.
"Andi!"
I chuckled as Jamie's demeanor perked right up over the cooking. I looked to them with a smile of my own.
"These ones"
Jamie thrust two eggs very proudly forward into my hands.
"Ah steller choices Bambi"
We worked like a well oiled machine, well me like a machine while Jamie managed and gave me orders. Soon enough though Jamie was digging into their portion of runny eggs and toast while I finished up my own.
"I'm sorry I didn't bring more food for you earlier Jamie"
"S'ok, I like food we make more. Buh cereals pretty good too-"
Jamie dunked another soldier into their egg and gobbled it up. I chuckled and joined them with my own plate
We ate in yet another comfortable silence, Jamie finished first as they always did and went to stand but waved my fork at them to make them stop
"Wait- hold on Bambi, there's something I want to talk to you about"
Jamie groaned and settled back down in their chair, I pushed my food aside and took a breath.
"Jamie I know you're really tired-"
They nodded with their pout from before brought briefly back.
"-yeah, today's already been alot. So Ill be quick"
I took another second before beginning my spiel
"Jam you remember the doctor talking about certains things we need to be strict on"
"Sort of... Food and sleeping right?"
I think they knew where I was heading, as they wouldn't look at me again and pulled at June's ears.
"There was another one jam-"
They cut me off, speaking slowly but with a slight shake in their voice
"I know, and I won't do it"
"Bambi-"
Again, I was cut off. This time by a drawn out whine.
"Nooo"
Jamie hid their head down in their arms on the table. I resisted the urge to abandon the topic and pushed forward to get what needed to be said said.
"I'm putting my foot down here Jamie. Starting tonight, you will be wearing diapers to bed. And honestly I think it's best you start wearing pull ups during the day too"
Jamie's head shot back up and they cried out
"No! Andi I don't need them!"
"I think we're far past that Jamie. I know this hard for you and I'm sorry but my decision is final"
Jamie was silent, but they were obviously not doing ok. They were gripping June's ears so hard their hands were shaking
"Jam it going to be ok"
"No it's not"
They were quiet
"It's not big deal Jam, it's alright to need a bit of protection"
"No"
Their voice cracked. I tried to reason
"Bambi, it's either wet bed or wet diaper-"
"No"
"Jamie-"
"Just Stop!"
Jamie suddenly hurled June at me. The rabbit missed me, sailing right past my head and hitting the glass door with a 'thump' before falling to the ground. Jamie let out a quiet gasp.
"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to-"
They put their head in their hands again and let out a little sob.
I quickly picked June up and rushed to their side, pulling a chair in close and sitting down. I lowered my voice and chose my words carefully.
"Jam it's alright, you're alright. Can I touch you Bambi?"
Jamie nodded, I wrapped an arm around them and they turned in towards my chest, before burying their head.
They weren't crying, but they were sniffling and breathing quite heavily. I just held them, rubbing circles on their back. After a moment I offered Jamie June back
"Someone wants a hug too Bambi"
Jamie peeked out and immediately held their hands out for the floppy bunny
"I'm sorry"
They uttered as June was brought into a tight hug. I wasn't sure if they were apologising to me or June, but either way it didn't matter much. I knew there was just too much emotion going on for them, plus an apology of any sort meant Jamie was far away from hostility
"You're so nice apologising Bambi, thank you"
They didn't respond, still just hugging June tight. I decided to pile on some more praises
"And you were so brave in the doctors, really I was shaking in my boots going in there!"
Jamie let out a bit of a giggle. I smiled and gave them one last squeeze before separating.
"I'm really sorry I sprung that on you jam, how're you feeling now?"
Jamie shrugged
"Odd... do I really have to wear it?"
I nodded and Jamie sniffled, but wiped their nose, definitely looking better.
"Ok...fine, but I'm not- I'm not a baby"
They looked at me with still glassy eyes and I assured them with a shoulder squeeze
"Of course not Bambi"
For the rest of the day we did whatever Jamie wanted to do. It was mostly just watching TV, interspersed with cartwheeling and games of antics. At lunch we had grilled cheese and soup. Afterwards Jamie went up stairs upstairs to do some 'reading', but when I checked in on them, they were napping in the most uncomfortable looking position. I carefully moved and tucked them in with a blanket.
After Jamie woke back up it was pretty much the same, only stand out part was the spaghetti and meatballs we had for dinner on Jamie's request. They were just as yummy as they always were, both of us taking second helpings.
But as I cleaned up the kitchen and Jamie flipped through a space book at the table. I made the long anticipated suggestion
"Why don't we get ready for bed now jam?"
Jamie looked up at me, confused.
"Huh?"
I explained my plan
"Well if we get into our pyjamas now, we can maybe do up some popcorn, get a load of sweets and watch a movie?"
Jamie seemed tempted by the movie and sweets but saw through my buttering up.
"And by pyjamas you also mean.."
Jamie blushed and waved their hand, not wanting to say it. I wanted to normalise saying it so I affirmed
"Yeah Jam, diaper too"
Jamie cringed and looked down dejectedly. I put down the washing up and went over to jam. They closed over their book
"Can we have cookies for the movie?"
I smiled, Jamie had had their eye on the top shelf packet of cookies and i didn't blame them.
"Sounds like a good plan... alright, ready?"
Jamie took a breath and nodded. I offered my hand, they took it and we headed up the stairs together.
"I'm gonna get the packet, you grab some pyjamas Bambi"
Jamie murmured an "ok" and separated breifly. I grabbed the packet of diapers from my room along with a towel and other necessities from the bathroom and headed into Jamie's room. They were sitting on the bed holding the picked out 2 piece stripey pyjamas.
Part of me wished that they'd robbed another onesie from the nursery, they looked so adorable in the star one from the other day. But Jamie being comfortable was top priority and that was just fine by me.
"You ok jam?"
They nodded, nervously fiddling with their fingers. I put the stuff down on the bed.
"So I'm gonna explain how to put one on and I'll leave you be"
I smiled, trying my best to make sure I didn't freak out Jamie in any way. But I apparently took the wrong approach.
"I don't wanna do it"
"Jam you know-"
"Yes I know I have to!-"
They said rather shortly
"-but I don't want to do it. I don't wanna look at them or think about. I just cant- just... You do it"
I mean, me diapering Jamie was the best ultimate case scenario, and I had no expectation for it to happen tonight. So I was a little taken aback
"Jamie are you sure?"
"Yeah, and do it quickly please. It's making me feel kinda sick"
"Ok Bambi, here-
I laid out the towel and patted it.
"-lie down, you don't have to worry about anything. I can handle it"
Jamie slowly moved over to the towel and laid back. They started stuttering and sniffing again.
"Don't...please don't l-look at me if you can, I um- fuck ugh"
Jamie covered their face with their arms and groaned, obviously embarrassed. I pulled away their arms so I could make sure they were listening.
"Jam I swear to you I'm not looking at anything, I'm just doing my job, helping you out Bambi"
"Ok.. quick please"
I gave their arm and a little rub and nodded.
Jamie's eyes were darting all over the place, they were still panicking a bit. I frowned and looked for a distraction, spotting June left on the pillows from Jamie's earlier nap.
I grabbed her and handed her to Jamie.
"Here Bambi, focus on June. She right here for you"
Jamie whimpered and grabbed June from me, immediately hiding behind her. Not being able to see me seemed to give them a bit of confidence
"Fucking do it already"
I didn't tut or anything over the language, just did as Jamie said and got to work.
I moved quickly, shimming off Jamie's pants and grabbing a diaper. Id changed my niece and nephew plenty of times before so this wasn't my first rodeo.
With my eyes averted as much as possible, I tapped Jamie's leg and said
"Lift your hips Bambi"
Jamie did so, I thanked them and slipped the diaper under their hips.
I hummed soothingly as I sprinkled baby powder and taped Jamie up. I moved back to sitting on floor and spoke quietly
"All done Bambi, now sit up, tell me if it feels alright"
Jamie sat up on the changing mat and by god looked like the cutest little thing I've ever seen. They were all glassy eyed again and I, spotting a wobble on Jamie's lips, held out my arms.
"Oh come 'ere bambi"
Jamie, looking down the entire time scooched forward and slipped off the bed. They stood for a moment, adjusting to the new sensation.
They took steps towards me but because of the puffy padding, they waddled. I stopped myself from instinctively cooing as Jamie was getting more upset, sniffling and pawing at their eyes.
They fell forward into my open arms that I then closed around them in a hug. Jamie started to cry into my shoulder.
"Shshsh you're ok bambi, it's ok let it out"
I rubbed their back as I spoke soothing words.
"Youve done sososo good today jam, I'm so proud of you"
Jamie wiped their face on my t shirt and pulled away, still sniffling and pawing at their eyes
"I feel stupid...I hate it"
I reassured, hugging them close.
"Well I can say for certain you're definitely not stupid, you are insanely brave accepting the help you need"
Jamie didn't seem convinced, still shamefully looking down and fiddling with June.
"And you know jam, I only let the bravest of people I know have extra cookies this late. And I'm 100 percent sure you'll be getting as many cookies as you want"
Jamie looked up at me hopefully
"Really?"
"Oh without question Jambam"
They smiled a little bit and I grabbed the bottom half of their pyjamas. I let Jamie do them up themselves, the diaper very cutely sticking out beneath the jammies. We walked out into the hallway
"So what movie are you thinking jam?"
Jamie wondered for a second.
"Um can we watch this um Mr fox movie thing i saw on the tv yesterday, it looked cool"
"Fantastic Mr fox?"
Jamie nodded sheepishly, so I responded wanting them to know it was ok to make their own suggestions
"I love fantastics Mr fox! That's a great choice bambi. You're on fire today"
Something about the way I said it made Jamie giggle, making me laugh too.
"Ok now you go downstairs, get comfy and I'll soon be in with all the treats you could ever desire"
Jamie nodded and was about go downstairs but suddenly stopped and turned
"Don't forget the cookies"
They said, dead serious, so I mirrored their attitude.
"Jamie i would rather perish than forget those precious precious cookies"
Jamie sniggered and toddled off down the stairs, June bouncing as she dangling from their hand.
÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷
I mooched about on the couch, trying to find a comfortable position to lie in. Well I was always comfortable, just more so trying to find a way to sit that wouldn't remind me of the massive fucking diaper between my legs.
"So stupid"
I muttered to myself, poking the offending garment. I was getting antsy waiting for Andi. He was taking forever!
I puffed out my cheeks and turned to June to cure my boredom. I sat her up on the arm rest, but that was far too boring, so I made her dance. June's the best at dancing
She went across the armrest, up the back of the couch, down the other side then jumped all the way to the coffee table. She was incredible, well she's always incredible.
I frowned and pulled her back to me, still feeling guilty for hurting her earlier.
"I'm sorry June, I swear I didn't mean to... Jus the dumb diapers... Scare me-"
I stopped, feeling silly for saying that. I brought June into a hug for comfort and she was more than happy to provide.
I held June up to my face and whispered extra quiet so Andi wouldn't hear.
"I'm scared to go to sleep June... I don't wanna use this stupid thing. What am I gonna do?"
June flopped forward and bopped my nose. I stared into her shiny black eyes and she suggested something dastardly.
"But Andi always makes me really sleepy, I can't stay up"
She stared some more
"Hmmm I suppose... Buh I like my milk- no! No I don't need milk. I can stay up"
I took a breath, firm in my decision
"You're the best June"
I gave her another hug, and at that moment Andi came into the sitting room, brandishing a big bowl of popcorn in one hand and a platter of cookies and treats in the other.
Andi made trumpeting sounds and he lowered the platter down to the table, making me smile. He crescendoed, placed all the good stuff down and fell right next to me on the couch.
"Is all this up to your standard jam?"
I surveyed what Andi brought it, cookies, jellies, popcorn. It all looked great, as well as one my lidded cups. I took a sip of it, finding it to be just water. But that didn't dampen the feast.
"All good, thanks Andi"
"No problem bambi, now let's get this fantastic fox a moving"
Andi searched for the movie while I grabbed a handful of popcorn and began eating, shoving half a cookie in my already full mouth too.
"Jam, food's not going anywhere, slow your roll. We've got a whole movie to get through"
I tried to swallow everything but started to cough. Andi sighed, gently tutting and giving me my water again.
"Ok sips bambi, good job"
I reached out for more popcorn and Andi brought over onto his lap.
"Just go a bit slower, alright jam"
I mumbled an 'i know' and moved up closer to Andi, leaning on his shoulder.
Just to be closer to the popcorn, definitely no other reason.
Andi stuck on the movie and slowed my roll with the snacks, managing to make them last pretty much the entire way through. I was very proud of my rationing skills
At some point during the movie, Andi wrapped his arm around me, which just made me feel all cosy so I wasn't complaining.
But the movie seemed to end way too quickly as soon the credits were rolling and Andi was suggesting a wind down, something that I vehemently wanted to avoid.
"I forgot how good that movie is.. did you like it bambi?"
"Yeah it was good"
"So warm milk?"
I shook my head and shimmied out of Andis arms.
"No"
He looked at me confused
"No? What's up jam, you're usually the one asking for milk"
I tried to sound as sure of myself as I could.
"Just don't want any, can we watch something else?"
Andi looked at his watch.
"Jam it's getting late-"
He tried to convince me but I stretched forward and robbed the remote from his side of the couch. I pushed random buttons, hoping something cool would come on to distract Andi.
The tv switched suddenly to a girl running down an alley way with a man in a stripey shirt and long stretchy arms chasing her. I was very intrigued, but before I could watch any further, Andi stole the remote back off me and switched the tv off.
"No we're definitely not watching that"
I whined in protest and tried to take it back. Andi moved the remote out of reach and very firmly said
"Jam stop, it's time for bed"
I frowned and crossed my arms.
"Wanna see it"
Andi took a breath and explained to me
"Jamie we're not watching Nightmare on Elm Street. It's a very scary movie and It'll keep you up all night"
"I'll be fine, I wanna watch it"
I insisted, I could take a scary movie. I'm not a baby.
"And besides, its time for bed jam"
Anxiety bundled in my stomach, my mind racing over the idea. So I tried to argue with Andi.
"I don't need to go bed"
"Really Jamie? I'm exhausted myself"
Andi did a big dramatic yawn, stretching out his arms. I was about to rebutled but my body betrayed me and I yawned as well.
"Ha! You are tired!"
Andi pointed at me triumphantly. I whined and he laughed, making me whine louder.
I brought my knees up to my chest and hid my head, feeling so stupid. Andi immediately dropped his joking celebrations and leaned in close to me
"Hey hey bambi, it's ok. Was I being mean?"
I nodded
"Well I'm sorry, I didn't mean to make you feel bad jamjam"
I put down my knees and grumbled
"S'ok...so we gonna watch something?"
Andi raised an eyebrow at me.
"Sorry jam, but it's time for bed"
He stood up and extended a hand to me
"Now come on bambi, seriously let's go"
I frowned, thinking for a second. I looked to June, a plan cooking in my head. I couldn't go to sleep tonight, but I needed to make Andi think I was.
After a little more thinking, I dramatically declared.
"Fine! I am feeling a little tired"
I lied through my teeth and Andi smiled
"See I told ya"
His smug smirk made me frown so instead of taking Andi's hand I jumped up ahead of him and made my own way up the stairs. With Andi trailing behind me.
I ran right into my room and hopped into bed. Trying my best to speed through our usual bedtime routine, but Andi took his sweet time fixing the cushions on either side of me and tucking me in.
"You did incredible today bambi, Im so, so proud of you"
He gave me a hug and I almost felt bad for my dastardly plan... almost. I hugged him back and burrowed back into my pillow, pretending to get all comfy cause I was sleepy.
"Night Andi"
I said with fake tiredness in my voice. Andi wished me the same, pushing hair out of my face and saying
"Night night Jam, sleep well"
I shut my eyes and listened as he left the room, opening up one eye sneakily to see him leaving the door open a sliver.
As soon as he was gone I shot right up in bed and listened out more, hearing him head down the hallway till he reached his room.
I waited a few moments longer before climbing out of bed and sneaking over to the door. I opened it and peeked out, and saw Andi heading into the bathroom, not spotting me.
Once he shut the door, I booked it, well quietly booked it. With June clutched to my chest and went right for the stairs, for a moment stopping cause I was scared of how dark it was down in the hallway.
But I took a breath and sucked it, squeezing June for moral support as I slid down the stairs step by step on my butt. The dumb diaper cushioning me as I bounced down.
I went right into the sitting room and got up on the couch, quickly finding the remote and turning the tv back on.
As displayed before it got switched off, the movie Nightmare on Elm street came on the tv. I lowered down the volume and snuggled up with June, ready to get zero sleep.
My plan was perfect, Andi said I wouldn't get any sleep if I watched this movie, and I'm not even gonna get scared cause I'm not a baby. Andi thought I was fast asleep, my plan was full proof.
Plus the movie wasn't even that scary, it was just people talking so far so I was rather disappointed. Ben used to tell me about the scary movies he's seen and they always sounded really really scary. This was nothing.
The plan was going so perfectly, till it wasn't.
"Just what do you think you're doing Jamie?"
I jumped when I heard a voice come from beside me. Andi was standing in the doorway with his arms crossed and wearing an amused smirk.
"I was um- I uh- I'm..."
I tried to think of something to say while Andi waited. He was gonna make me go to sleep, this wasn't part of the plan, I can't go to sleep!
But I didn't even get to come up with an excuse as Andi realized what was on the tv. His smirk dropped into concern.
"Jamie what did I just say about this movie, you can't watch it. It's gonna give you nightmares"
He turned off the tv, covering us in darkness and making me yelp. Andi switched on the overhead light.
I pouted and rubbed my eyes, the overhead was really bright. I could see Andi was still a bit amused by me, but overall wasn't a fan of my super good plan.
"Come on bambi, it's time for bed"
He didn't leave any room for argument as he stepped forward, seizing me under my armpits and lifting me up. I yelped again and dropped June in surprise.
Andi picked June back up and started walking back towards the stairs while I kicked and fought against him
"No! No up-"
I grunted and tried to push against his chest. Andi shushed while bouncing me like a fussy toddler, it was infuriating
"Shshsh bambi none of that now"
As Andi approached the stairs panic started building in my chest and I fought harder. Andi tried soothing me but when he took the first step I couldn't stop myself from wailing loudly.
"No No! NO!"
I shoved my face into his shoulder and bawled my eyes out.
"Woah woah woah, bambi hey what's wrong?"
Andi asked
"N-n-no!"
I couldn't put together what I wanted to say as I just cried harder and harder.
Andi muttered anxiously to himself as he turned right around and headed into the kitchen. He sat me down on the counter and bent himself down to be eye level with me.
He gave me June, wrapping both his hands around mine. Sobs racked my body as Andi looked me in the eye and said
"Jamie everything's alright, take your time, breathe bambi. Were not going anywhere till you calm down"
He straighted himself up and went for the fridge. I brought June up to my chest and tried steadying my breath as Andi took out milk.
"Jamie I'm gonna make you some warm milk, do you want me to add chocolate?"
I gave a shakey nod and sucked in a harsh breath.
Andi got to work fixing a hot chocolate in one of my special mugs. Once it was heated, Andi took it and turned back to me.
"Can I pick you back up bambi?"
I nodded and Andi scooped me up. We walked into the hallway, my breathing getting heavier as we approached the stairs. But Andi quickly assured me
"Were just gonna go back into the sitting room, no upstairs bambi"
He switched on a soft lamp light and sat me down.
I sniffled and curled up around June, hiding away my face out of embarrassment. Andi called gently out to me.
"Jamie, bambi please look at me"
I whined and slowly undid myself from my little knot.
I ran June's ears through my fingers anxiously as I looked around the room.
"Jamie you gotta tell me what's wrong so I can make it better"
I looked into Andis eyes and I knew, he was being completely sincere.
I took a breath, sucked up my pride and admitted.
"I'm scared. I'm scared that when I go 'sleep I'm gonna use the-"
I pointed to the diaper with a whimper.
"-an then it means am a baby. An it makes me feel s-so small an vulnerable. I can't go into my bad dreams, I can't face her like this. I can't go to sleep!"
I let out another sob and Andi pulled me up into a hug, he didn't need to ask he just knew. I cried softly into his chest as he rubbed my back.
A bit of time passed till Andi spoke
"I'm sorry jam, I'm so sorry you're dealing with all this. And I'm especially sorry I can't make it all go away. But what I can do is help you through it"
I looked up to listen to him more properly.
"So while you do eventually need to go to sleep bambi, you don't have to right now. I'm more than willing to stay up as long as you need till you're tired and happy enough to go to bed"
"R-really?"
"Definitely jam, you've done so much today even agreeing to wear the diaper. I shouldn't have expected this to go so smoothly. You take all the time you need, we're going at baby steps here bambi"
I was almost too stunned to speak. There was no need for elaborate sneaky plans, Andi had solved my problem in less than a minute. I felt tears welling up in my eyes again, tears of a different kind though.
I threw myself forward and hugged Andi, him holding out the hot chocolate so it wouldn't spill
"Thank you"
Andi hugged me back
"It's absolutely no problem bambi. It's never a problem"
Though Andis arms dropped from the hug, I didn't move from my position lying against Andis chest. I just turned around to face the tv Andi switched back on and remained in his lap.
Andi put on an episode of bluey 'sleepytimes' and offered me my hot chocolate.
"Both hands bambi"
He whispered lovingly, I took a swig from the mug using both my hands and relished the delicious taste. It tasted so good I couldn't help kick my legs.
Andi chuckled and with one hand around my waist, gave me a little squeeze. I leaned back against his chest and forgot every single one of my worries.