"Jam come on, it's gonna be ok"
"No it's not"
Jamie whined. It was early morning and we were outside the doctors for our follow up appointment with Dr eggleston.
Problem was Jamie spotted other people going into the clinic, and refused to get out of the car. So I was standing at the open passenger door trying to coax Jamie out.
"You said no one else was seeing the doctor!
"Jam other doctors work here, lots of people have to go to the doctors"
Jamie pulled their knees up to their chest and buried their head
"I don't wanna be seen in there"
I sighed, trying to figure out something comforting to offer Jamie.
"Well we're right on time for our appointment so we won't be waiting long, and you remember the tv from last time. It might have some puppies playing"
Jamie gave me a little glare when I said puppies but they were obviously tempted. Deciding to try their lucky.
"Fine, but I get to do cartwheels in the house from now on"
They jumped out of the car, and grinned at me like I was trapped in the deal. I laughed
"Sorry jam not a chance"
I shut the car behind them before they had a chance to get back in. Jamie whined and genuinely stamped their foot.
I began walking but turned when I didn't hear jam behind me. I gave them a look.
"Would you rather I carried you in?"
Jamie blushed and shook their head, begrudgingly following me into the office.
As we entered I felt a tug at the fleece I was wearing, looking down to see Jamie right up beside me and holding onto my sleeve, observing the whole waiting area. They seemed especially fixated on the kiddy books and toys left out.
I didn't say anything, knowing they'd get embarrassed if I acknowledge any of their fuzzy headed actions.
The early appointment had not gone down well with morning jam. They were tired, feeling fuzzy and in no mood for anything.
I swear the grumpy thing throws a pillow like no other.
And by the time I managed to convince Jamie to get dressed it was too late for food, so breakfast was in a bag in my pocket.
"Take a seat and the doctor will be with you shortly"
I thanked the receptionist and we moved over to the waiting area, a few other people sitting there too. I sat us down as far away from everyone as I could.
Jamie, given the space, brought their legs on to the seat and leaned back into me. I wrapped my arm around them and whispered.
"How're you doing Bambi?"
They shrugged, mooching around to look for the tv and frowned deeply when they saw it was blue screened with a no signal sign.
They pointed at it and looked at me in shock. I frowned too.
"Ah sorry jam, but don't worry we won't be bored long"
Jamie mumbled something quietly, most likely some profanity and I rubbed their arm reassuringly.
"Do you want June?"
Jamie shook their head firmly, the bunny was stashed away in a secret zippy pocket in my coat. Jam didn't want her seen, but I had a feeling she'd be needed eventually.
"How about some breakfast? You should eat before we go in"
They shrugged again and I got out the makeshift breakfast from my coat pocket.
It was just a banana and a ziplock bag of cereal but it was better than nothing and Jamie wasn't complaining. I peeled the banana and handed it to them. They started scoffing it down but immediately began coughing as they were still lying down against me.
I tutted and gently tapped Jamie on the back.
"Jamie sit up properly please"
They groaned and pushed my hand away, looking around anxiously to see if anyone was looking while they sat themselves upright.
I felt for them and sighed, placing a comforting hand on their shoulder.
"I'm gonna get you some water, ok bambi?"
They nodded and I gave their shoulder a little squeeze
"Eat up now"
With the banana already gone I took the peel and gave them the bag of cereal which they eagerly dug into.
I walked over to the water cooler, throwing away the banana peel in the bin while filling up a small cup of water.
As I did so I clocked a mother and daughter came in the front door. They both went straight for the receptionist, but the girl whined and pulled at her mom's jumper.
"Mommy, mommy, mommyyyy"
The woman mimicked her daughter
"Alex, Alex, Alexxxxx"
The little girl had to stop herself from giggling before she could give her mom a whole load of complaints and petty fusses that needed immediate attention
She reminded me a bit of Jamie and I smiled, imagining a jam that had no reservations around acting so little in public. I knew realistically we were a ways off that, but it was wonderful to think about.
I brought myself out of the daydream and started back to jam, overhearing from the mother
"Honey why don't you go play with the toys over there and I'll be over in a second"
I sat down back down next to Jamie but they didn't acknowledge me, occupied by the little girl running over to the small activity table in the corner. Seemed I wasn't the only one watching the mother daughter duo.
"Jam, water?"
They jumped a little when I spoke, finally noticing me and I chuckled. They nodded and I lifted the cup to their lips but they pulled back, nervously eyeing the few others in the waiting area.
"I- I can do it"
I sighed a bit but understood and let Jamie take the water, but couldn't help remind them
"Both hands Bambi"
Their cheeks burned as they took careful sips of the water, and to their credit there were no spills.
"Good job"
I praised unconciously and Jamie squirmed a bit in their seat, before going back to eating cereal.
But as we waited Jamie couldn't seem to take their eyes of the girl playing. I noted the small pout on their lips and leaned in.
"Everything ok jam?"
"Dunno, I feel weird"
"How weird?"
Jamie didn't respond, just sort of shuffling closer to me. I didn't pry any further, only wrapping my arm around them once more.
The mom must've finished at the reception as she came strolling over to her daughter, squatting down next to her. The daughter whispered something in her mom's ear, giggling, and the mom looked right over at us.
I felt Jamie jump, they had not been as discreet about the staring as they thought. I was a little worried myself, expecting the worse but was pleasantly surprised when the mom smiled and waved at Jamie.
Jamie was not so happy about this though as I felt their breathing go a bit faster and it only got worse as the woman called in a very sweet voice.
"Hey there darlin"
Jamie immediately tensed and I begged and prayed there wouldn't be another outburst like yesterday with mom. Surprisingly though, Jamie did not scream or shout, they just whimpered.
They whimpered and turned into me, shoving their face into my fleece and hiding away, whispering in a shaky voice
"N-no, m-make her go"
"Woah jamjam you're alright, it's alright"
I rubbed Jamie's back, rather worried over the sudden demeanor shift.
The woman realised what had happened and put her hand over her mouth. She stood and moved to come over to us, to apologise or ask if she could help I wasn't sure, but I knew Jamie wouldn't want her coming closer.
I put my hand up and she stopped, the few in the waiting room now looking at us. I quickly tried mouthing
'its ok, you're ok, it's fine'
She mouthed back
'nonono I'm so sorry'
I smiled and looked down at Jamie, they weren't crying, just a bit shook up. I mouthed
'They're just shy'
It was far from the truth but I knew the women meant zero harm, and I just wanted the attention to shift away from us as soon as possible. The woman nodded and apologised again before going back to her own daughter.
"Mommy why's the baby sad?"
She shushed her daughter and I was grateful to absolutely everything above that Jamie did not hear.
"Andrew and Jamie?"
I looked over and saw Dr E beckoning me over. I nodded to him and he turned back down the hall to his office.
"Alright let's go jam"
I went to stand but Jamie held onto my side. They looked up at me with weary eyes and silently communicated 'too many people looking, carry me'.
I did so, scooping them up and hiding Jamie's face effectively in my shoulder, as we walked I whispered.
"Bambi what upset you back there?"
Jamie didn't speak for a second, then uttered slowly
"Sometimes big girls are scary. I don' know why, buh makes me wanna run away..."
They stopped and whispered even quieter
"Can I have June?"
"Of course Bambi"
I weasled the bunny out of my inner pocket and gave it to jam, them hugging her tight.
I contemplated why Jamie would be afraid of women. Then I thought of the 'she' Jamie had spoken of from their nightmares. The bad wolf.
I hugged Jamie just a bit tighter and mumbled some profanity of my own.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
"So Jamie how have you been the past few days?"
The doctor smiled warmly but it didn't ease any of my nerves. I kept my gaze on the floor.
"Um.. I dunno, good and bad"
"Have you been nervous about today Jamie?"
Andrew was sitting in the chair next to me, with his hand on my knee giving me just the right amount of support. Along with June under my arm.
"Yeah, I'm nervous"
"That's ok Jamie's, anyone would be nervous. Do you think a sticker would help?"
I looked up, properly meeting his eyes and nodded.
Dr egg produced a fresh sheet of stickers, allowing me to pick. I went for one with a bunny like June and stuck it to my hoodie.
"Good choice jam"
Andi said and I smiled just a bit, I like it when Andi said I was good.
"Are we ready to start?"
Andi gave my knee a squeeze and me a reassuring smile. I nodded.
The doctor began
"So I've been talking to my sources and doing a lot of research on werewolves, and today we're gonna come up with a plan to make this as easy a transition as possible for Jamie"
I squeezed june, working hard to keep my breaths steady.
"Now I'm sorry but for the first part of this I need to speak to Jamie alone"
Before I had a chance to react, Andi nodded and stood
"That's alright"
I protested immediately, grabbing onto Andis sleeve. June getting knocked down onto the ground.
"Wait no, Andi!"
Andi took my hand and assured me
"Bambi I'm gonna be just outside the door, look-"
He bent down and picked up June
"June's here to help you be brave till I'm back, now you answer all of the doctors questions the best you can-"
He put June on my lap, I silently apologised to her. She understood
"-And if you really really really need me scream and I'll be back in. Ok?"
I smiled a bit and nodded.
Andi gave me a little hug and left. It was just me and the egg doctor. He leaned back against his exam table.
"Ok Jamie im just going to ask you a couple questions, then we can bring Andi back in and all talk together"
I nodded.
"I know I already asked you this, but how have you been doing jamie?"
"Um.. ok"
I squirmed a bit in my seat, messing with June's ears.
"You said you were also feeling bad recently, what do you do when you feel bad"
I hesitated, but remembered what Andi said and responded
"I tell Andi, and he helps"
"How?"
"He just does"
The doctor didn't push on that, then asking
"Jamie do you like living with Andi?"
I nodded.
"Why?"
There were a thousand reasons I liked living with Andi, so I tried to think of my best few.
"Um.. he always knows when I want hugs or when I wanna be left alone, he teaches me cooking and makes really good hot chocolate"
"Oh do you like hot chocolate Jamie?"
"Yeah Andi makes it when I'm sad, but we had to stop cause I was sad alot and we ran out. But he makes good warm milk too"
"Well that certainly sounds good"
I found myself relaxing somewhat talking with Perry. He wasn't asking me any hard questions, just stuff about being with Andi and what I liked and didn't.
"What about your troubles with keeping dry? How does Andi act about that?"
I blushed a little and answered honestly
"Andi's always really nice. He never ever gets mad and always gives me hugs when i get upset about it."
With a little hesitation I added on.
"But he thinks I should wear diapers at night and I don't want to"
"Oh?"
"He's never forced me, he asks if I wanna try and I say no and he drops it. I don't need them"
He tried the question from earlier again
"So you said Andi helps you when you feel bad, how?"
I was more open this time.
"He makes me the hot chocolate, and does all the stuff that's hard when I feel fuzzy or he distracts me when I'm upset."
I started talking about the board game day
"Like I felt really bad fuzzy the other day and Andi made it better and we played games and he helped me do cartwheels"
I was sort of rambling but Perry listened very well.
"Or when I told him about my bad dreams, he gave me June. She makes it easier to sleep"
"Wow, that's very nice of him"
I nodded, Andi was the best.
That's when the conversation pivoted.
"Jamie do you understand what's going to happen to you?"
"Sort of.. I'm gonna regress, turn into a baby"
"Simply Jamie yes, and you know you're going to need someone to help you when that happens?"
I shrugged and the doctor went on
"Jamie what do you think about Andi taking care of you?"
"He already does"
I said blankly
"Yes and it sounds like he does a very good job, but Jamie once your new age is documented you will need a legal guardian-"
I interrupted
"But I have Andi"
"Jamie I know, and you will still. If Andi becomes your legal guardian"
I was getting a bit worried, I pulled at June's ears sharply.
"What does that mean?"
The doctor took a breath, carefully explaining to me.
"Jamie the first part of our plan is to make sure you are in a safe place with someone you can trust to help you transition. By talking with you, I've determined Andi will make a great caregiver. But to make sure you can stay with him..."
He finally said
"Jamie Andrew will need to adopt you"
I froze. The doctor called me but I didn't respond, it felt like my heart had stopped. Dr egg stood.
"I'm gonna bring Andi back in now"
My heart started back up, racing as I tried to figure out what on earth I would say to Andi. Adoption meant Dad, meant baby, meant real actual family.
I mean I knew Andi wanted a kid. And he wants to care for me. But we were fine the way things were.
And sure I loved his cooking, his hugs, his house, his voice, his everything. And yeah I see him in a dad sort of light. But adoption was official, permanent and that was terrifying.
I wasn't ready for it yet.
"Jam"
Andis soft voice called to me. He was back in the chair next to me. I looked around, the doctor was gone. He'd probably left to give us a minute to talk
"Andi I'm scared"
I admitted right away. Andi put his hand on my shoulder.
"That's ok Bambi"
"I'm not ready yet"
I choked up a little bit and Andi held open his arms.
"Hug?"
He offered.
I practically threw myself at him for a hug, and he just held me for a while. Against Andis chest I could hear his heartbeat, it was steady and soothing. Eventually mine came to match his.
"So what're you thinking Bambi?"
I couldn't say what I wanted to
"It's gonna sound mean, don't wanna be mean to you"
Andi rubbed my back
"Bambi I won't think you're mean I promise, just please be honest, remember it's cool to be honest"
I nodded and pulled off him to talk.
"I really like staying with you, you make me feel safe. But if you adopt me it's gonna change, I don't want it to change"
I sniveled and Andi gave me a tissue.
"Bambi if you want to stay with me, if you don't want things to change we have to do this"
"Why?"
"Because if we don't, child services will place you in another home"
"No!"
I embarrassingly wailed. Andi soothed me. I tried to talk again.
"I don't want to go somewhere else, I wanna be with you but Im not ready-"
I cut myself off and covered up my face, really not wanting to say it to Andi. He pulled my hands away and waited patiently for me to finish what I was saying.
"I'm not ready for you to be my dad yet"
I said and waited, waited for Andi to be insanely hurt. Maybe even cry. God I didn't wanna see Andi cry.
"Is that it Bambi?"
He almost chuckled. I looked down ashamed and nodded.
"Jamie, Jamie. Look at me"
I did as he said.
"Me adopting you, does not make me your dad, legally it makes me your guardian. But for us, I'm still just Andi"
"Huh?"
Andi took both of my hands, June staying in my lap.
"I'm not your dad until you say so, ok?"
I was taken aback, staring at Andi with my mouth a little open. I felt tears well up in my eyes and wiped them away quickly.
"So it's still just Andi and jam? Adoption doesn't change anything?"
"Nothing at all Jamie. It'll just make this all a bit easier for us"
I laughed a bit.
"I feel stupid now, Im sorry I got so upset"
Andi gave me a little hug
"It's ok to get upset Bambi, I got a bit upset myself trying to figure out what to do. It's all quite confusing isn't it?"
I nodded, and Andi took the moment to make sure I was completely clear on what was going on.
So adoption wasn't going to immediately make me regress, and it wasn't going to immediately make me call Andi dad. I could take as much time as I needed. All it was gonna do was make sure I could stay with Andi. And that's really what I wanted.
After a bit Andi brought the doctor back in. He was more than understanding of my worries
"So we're feeling better about it now?"
"Still a bit scared"
I answered honestly, the doctor smiled sympathetically.
"That's ok Jamie, and if it's any consolation. It's going to be a long process, it's not immediately happening now. We're just beginning it. You have plenty of time before anything's official"
That did make me feel a bit better actually.
"So are we ready to talk about part 2 of the plan, the actual transition?"
Sitting on Andi's lap made me feel like I could do anything so I nodded immediately, Andi doing the same.
The doctor walked over to his desk and pulled out a few sheets of paper. He came back over.
"So after conferring with a few people about Jamie's situation, I've been given a few insights"
Andi rubbed my arm in support as I squirmed anxiously.
"Jamie your refusal to regress has made it very dangerous for you to shift, so until we have your headspace more balanced we can't risk any shifting."
That was completely fine by me, it hurt so much the last time and I didn't even want to thinks bout going through that again.
"And as shifting is emotionally triggered for pups, and emotionally unstability is currently caused by your unbalanced headspace. It's all the more reason"
Andi asked
"What do you mean unbalanced headspace?"
"Right now, the fuzz in Jamie's head and their 17 year old mindset are at war. And while it's a wonder you've made it this far, Jamie you are fighting a loosing battle. The only way for you to come out of this unscathed is to make a compromise"
"What do you mean by that?"
The doctor rolled over his chair and sat down in front of us.
"Jamie we need you to begin regressing as soon as we can. It doesn't have to be big, just small steps, but if we hold on too long -"
He warned
"That fuzz in your head will win and I don't want to scare you but from what I've heard involuntarily regression like what you're going through doesn't end well"
"Oh"
I said quietly, really unsure of what to say. Andi was silent too.
Perry brandished a piece of printed paper.
"Our best approach here, is actually very simple. It's just a schedule, where you both can get yourself into a bit of routine and gradually introduce elements of regression"
Andi took the piece of paper and began reading it over as the doctor explained to me.
"Now this may sound like a lot, but this is not all going to hit you at once Jamie. We can ease you into this new routine over the next while"
He gave me some ideas of what the easing would entail
"We would start small, relinquishing just some control to Andi, he takes over 'big' things you don't have to worry about while you have some fun. Maybe colour or try out some toys. But there are certain things you should be firm with"
Andi inquired
"And that is?"
"Meals, sleep and protection, ideally night and day"
I went white.
"I know that's a sore spot for you Jamie, so I won't stay long on it. But keeping things like that consistent will give you a great baseline to work off of"
I fidgeted with June, he said it was going to be gradual but the end goal still scared me. Andi seemed to tell what was going on, so he prompted me.
"Before we go on, Jamie wanted to ask a few question about regression"
"Oh please, ask away Jamie"
Perry patiently waited for me to ask my question, taking a couple of good breaths before doing so.
"Am I gonna forget who I am? Like is my brain gonna turn into baby mush?"
My question sounded stupid and I frowned a little, thinking I could've put it better. But the doctor took it completely seriously.
"Oh Jamie no, if we do this regression right. Take our time with the schedule, keep up to date with your wellbeing, you'll be able to achieve a balanced headspace. Basically you'll still be you, you'll have all your memories, still think the same just with a younger lens on top"
That made a bit of sense but I was still a bit confused.
"So I won't forget how to count, or like big words or anything?"
"Not at all Jamie. Things might just get a bit harder to understand. But you'll retain all knowledge you already have and as long as you've got someone like Andrew to support you you can continue to learn as normal and it'll all be ok."
I fiddled with my fingers before asking my most pressing question.
"One more thing... Will I forget I'm non-binary?"
"Oh nonono, Jamie you wouldn't believe the amount of trans kids I see in here. Some younger than you. You're still gonna be you Jamie, nothings gonna make you forget that"
I smiled, this plan seeming alot better to me now.
Suddenly I thought of something else to ask.
"So I'm not gonna feel fuzzy anymore?"
"Hopefully in the future yes, though sadly that fuzziness isn't gonna go away soon. But I guarantee you Jamie it will be so much easier to deal with"
I smiled, I hated the fuzz so much. It made me feel terrible, and the idea of it lessening at all was incredible
"How's it's gonna be easier?"
"Well the fuzziness is your body demanding regression while you reject it, but if you meet it halfway there it won't be so harsh. Simply, you voluntarily regressing, doing this on your terms and being happy is the key there. Obviously given the back up of routine and Andi"
I was satisfied with my questioning, so then it was Andis's turn for questions.
"What would you recommend with the meals and sleeping and such"
"Well Jamie said the fuzz can come in when they're tired so I would say maybe introducing a nap, perhaps earlier bedtime. It would definitely help curb fuzz there"
I pouted, sleeping was dumb, but annoyingly he did have a point.
"And balanced meals are just more of a basic. Jamie from my observation is a bit underweight, and we want a good healthy base to be working their regression off of. I would recommend maybe a milk mix in, just a simple way to get vitamins and proteins"
Perry went on talking about healthy habits to get into, ensuring we leave the house more, exercise, loads of boring stuff. But eventually he moved onto something I had to pay proper attention for.
"Now this isn't as urgent, but with the adoption. Your house will be inspected to see if it is a child safe environment. Would you say you're prepared for the age Jamie's going to regress to"
Andi wondered for a moment. I thought we were pretty prepared, I mean he had that whole room.
"Well I have a few things, but not everything is completely ready"
The doctor started writing on a new page.
"Well I'll give you a list of some things I'd say necessary; Crib, Changing table, some sort of play pen, babyproofing, child safe utensils, bottles. I'm also gonna write down some helpful werewolf literature"
That was especially hard for me to hear. I couldn't even fathom using half the stuff he so casually listed off. He gave Andi the list to keep in with the schedule.
Thankfully what he said next stopped my worries.
"Remember not all of this has to be used immediately or at all. You just need to have it to prove you're able to handle Jamie if they regress that far"
That seemed to be the end, Andi looking over the proposed schedule and shopping list again and almost laughing.
"That's perfect. Thank you Perry. You've been such an incredible help"
"No Andrew it's been a pleasure to help. We'll check in again soon to see how things are going but don't hesitate to call if anything happens"
Andi slipped out from under me and shook the doctors hand. He then extended it for me to take.
"Jamie you wanna say something to doctor eggleston?"
The entire check up had still left me in a weird state, so I stumbled on thanking the doctor.
"I- uh, no. Thank you. Really thank you"
"You're welcome Jamie, you want another sticker?"
I nodded kind of excited for another sticker.
"Andrew you want one too? I've got an abundance"
"I won't say no to a free sticker"
Andi got one of a giraffe with a nurses hat on and I got another bunny one to match the one I already had. This time sticking it onto June so she wouldn't be left out.
Dr eggleston lead us out of his office, also offering Andi some brochures for different things. We had our final thanks yous and suddenly we were back up at the receptionist.
I looked around and saw the waiting area to be completely empty, even the toy corner that girl was using earlier. The table was covered in squiggly wires and big beads. I didn't even realise I was staring at it until Andi beant down to me.
"You alright Bambi?"
I frowned
"Still feel a bit weird"
Andi hugged me with one arm and said
"Hey why don't you check out that weird table over there while I pay. You gotta figure out what it is, I just can't wrap my head around it!"
A giggle escaped past my lips and I nodded eagerly.
Andi gave me another quick squeeze before releasing and allowing me to run over to the funky table.
Behind me Andi beamed.