Chapter 43
It was clear from my girlfriend's face that she wasn't sure what her present was supposed to be, when I was bringing her to this random shack in the middle of my backyard.
In other circumstances, this might actually be the set up of a documentary on a murderer.
Maybe I could have set this up somewhere else. I'd been too focus on the painting itself that I hadn't been thinking about the actual giving of the gift.
I'd done a one eighty on the actual painting. It had started out as us as little children, but then I'd realized that this was something that was more for me. It was about me, and about what I wanted.
For my birthday, Lexi had given me glimpses of me in her drawings. I'd seen this. She'd given parts of her vision of me.
I'd realized that this was something I could give her too.
Lexi wasn't a child anymore. I wasn't a child anymore.
So, I'd decided to show her how I saw her right now. Not how the way it used to be, a version of ourselves we could never be, but the real her.
Lexi, like a ballerina under the moonlight smiling at me. Like an ethereal being shining brightly. I wanted to show her what I saw when I looked at her.
Unknowingly, through her love, she'd showed me a version of myself I didn't know existed anymore. A better version of me. A brighter version of me.
I wanted to give her something like that too. Lexi often seemed to erase herself at the expense of letting the people around her shine brighter.
I wanted her to know to me that she shone brightly too.
"You did this?" Lexi said, a little breathlessly, taking a step closer as she finally took in the painting.
"Yes. Happy birthday," I replied with a big smile, and wrapped my arms around her waist, leaning my chin against her shoulder so I could look at the painting with her, on her level.
It was a cozy position, so I stayed like this while Lexi just stared silently at my painting.
I wasn't sure if she was happy about the painting, or she just didn't really know what to say about it and didn't care.
Of course, that wasn't actually true. I did know that she had to care about this, because I knew my Pumpkin and I knew she liked art and things like this.
I just hoped she understood why I was giving her this.
After a few minutes, I realized Lexi was crying. I really hoped those were happy tears. I was making my girlfriend cry too much on her birthday.
Eventually, I asked softly, "Should I assume you're happy with it?"
"I absolutely love it," she replied, her voice full of emotion, making my heart soar.
"I'm not sure where you can put it, but we'll find a place for it. Worse case scenario, we'll keep it here until we get a place together and it will be our first piece of decoration," I told her, trying to stay lighthearted, but already imagining a future where we would be living together.
It wasn't a future that would be that far away if we decided to go to college together.
I could almost already picture it in my head.
Lexi turned around in my arms and wrapped her own around my neck, before kissing me. "Thank you, thank, you, thank you," she repeated between each pecks.
I grinned way too happy for my own good. This was her birthday, not mine. She shouldn't be making me feel this happy. "You're welcome Pumpkin."
She pressed another kiss on my lips, this one lingering for a little longer, but then broke it and said, frowning, "It makes my drawing look like crap compare to this."
I threw my head back, laughing. This girl. Unbelievable. "Oh would you shut up! I love your drawing!"
Case in point, it now adorned the walls of my room instead of my stupid nightmare painting.
That nightmare painting had never brought me joy. Lexi's drawing did.
"It's so beautiful Blake... I can't believe you did that," Lexi repeated, her arms still around my neck.
I gapped at her, in faux shock, "Have you been underestimating my artistic talents?" I asked her, still laughing.
My Pumpkin really made me too happy. I felt like all the crap from the last week completely melted away with her beside me.
"No not at all but this is... it's amazing, Blake."
I kissed the top of her head, happy she was glad with the present. I'd really stressed for nothing. "I'm glad you love it."
"Honestly I don't know what I did to deserve you. You're too talented, too good at everything. It's unfair you know," she said, looking a little pouty.
I laughed again. She had it all wrong. I was the one that didn't deserve her and was lucky enough to be loved by her. Not the other way around.
I let her stare at the painting for a little while longer until I finally said, "Come on now, the night is young, and I need to feed you again if I want to be a good boyfriend."
That got her attention. "More food?" she asked with a grin.
She was too predictable and I loved it. "Always more food," I assured her, and took her hand in my own, dragging her to my car.
I put on Fefe Dobson's album because I knew she loved it and then drove us to the restaurant.
I'd racked my brain to figure out where the best place would be to bring her to dinner for her birthday, but then figured out bringing her to the same place as what I considered our first date would be the best option.
I could see when Lexi realized where we were going when a big goofy grin appeared on her face.
I probably could have only brought her to the Chinese buffet for her birthday and made her happy.
Once we were seated, the same table as last time, I mentioned it. "Honestly, dating you is so easy. I could just give you food and you'd be happy."
My Pumpkin narrowed her eyes at me. "Is this a complaint?"
"The contrary."
"Food is so good," she whined.
I grinned at her. "Food is indeed good."
I let her go to pile food on her plate and once we were back at our table asked, "So? Now that you're officially eighteen, any life plans?"
"Well, try not to get arrested now, since I'm an adult and shall be tried as one if I get caught," she replied before shoving food in her mouth.
I chuckled. "Smart, yes. Love my criminal mastermind girlfriend."
"You're lucky because she loves you too," she said, taking a second to answer, her mouth full.
"Any other plans?"
"Do we really have to talk about what to do with our future? I don't want to stress again."
I laughed at her pouting. "I don't mean big life plans. I mean, do you want to go somewhere this year? Do something? You love music so much, but I have no idea if you've ever gone to a concert. Would you like to do that?"
This seemed to interest her more. "I've actually never been to a concert," she admitted.
Somehow, this surprised me. She loved music so much. It would have made sense for Daphnee to bring her to some random music show. "Really?"
"Yeah. Have you?"
I nodded enthusiastically. "Every summer when I'm in Europe. I go with my cousins. And Josh sometimes when he decides to come with us."
"Does Josh travel a lot with your family?"
"Josh is family, so yeah."
Lexi looked like she was deep in thought for a second, eating a bit and finally said, "You know, now that you mention it, I'd love to see Jimmy Eat World in a concert. And Kings on Leon. And Fefe Dobson. And yeah, many many other singers and bands."
I beamed at this. "Ah! See, I found something you wanted to do in your future that doesn't stress you out."
"Good Blakey-Boy," Lexi replied, chuckling a little while leaning over the table to pat my cheek.
We talked more, about traveling and concerts and which artists I'd seen and which was my favorite, and then we talked more about nonsense, just happy to be in each other's presence.
When we drove back to my house, I put on a best of Paul Anka album and Lexi and I sang along to Put Your Hand on My Shoulder and Diana. We were both off tune and completely awful, but Lexi was having a blast and it just made me happy.
While we were having dinner, Josh had texted me about leaving a present for Lexi at the house, and calling him back, so when we got home, I let Lexi go to my room and went to look for whatever weird thing Josh had gotten my girlfriend.
He had said that he'd left it in the entry, but I couldn't see it, so I headed to the kitchen, to see if Anita wasn't there and knew where it was, but instead found my mother there.
She smiled at me, waving. "Hi."
"Hey," I replied, feeling yet again awkward.
"Did you guys have a nice time?" she asked me, knowing where I'd been.
"We did," I only answered, not offering anything more.
She nodded, still smiling, obviously trying to ignore the awkward mood. "That's great."
"Josh said he left something for me," I said, trying to get to the point.
"Ah, yes, he came by, and I think left it in the living room."
I frowned a bit. If he'd left it in the living room that probably meant they'd sat there and chat. That was the only reason why he would have been in the room. "Did you guys chat?"
"A bit."
Once again, I felt like asking her about Jayden and Josh, but also knew that it wasn't my secret to tell.
Honestly, I had no idea how Josh had managed to keep that secret to himself for so long. I'd know for barely more than a week and I kept feeling like I needed to tell literally everyone around me.
I thought I was a lot better at keeping secrets than this.
"That's good. Josh's been a little down lately, I think."
She pursed her lips a bit. "It's Jayden's death anniversary soon. He's always sadder around that time. We all are."
It was really not the time to get into this right now. I should be going back to my room, to Lexi. Today wasn't about me and about my issues, it was about my girlfriend's birthday.
But now my mother was mentioning this
I started to talk, being careful, trying to find the right words. "I think one of the reasons why I've been so angry about all of... you know... is because... I always felt like you guys liked Jayden better than me. And because I'm mad at him too, but I can't actually be mad at him, because he's not here anymore. But you guys are there, and I can focus all my anger on you," I admitted.
This was literally the worse time to get into this.
She looked sad again. I should really stop making my mother sad all the time. "I can't tell you not to feel how you feel. I love you and Jayden equally, but if you don't feel that way, it's our fault, not yours. I'm sorry again. For failing you. For not being the parents you deserved. If it can help, you can stay angry. You can be as angry as you need."
"I just don't really know how to feel. I don't know what to do to stop being angry at you."
"It's okay. Really, you can be angry at me forever. If it can help you cope with what happened, I'm ready to be the subject of your anger. It's the least I can do as your mother."
This felt like such an awful thing to ask of her. I hated it.
"I really want to stop being angry at you and dad. I don't want to waste energy being mad. It's exhausting," I admitted, feeling tired all of a sudden.
"It's more than I deserve right now. So thank you," she replied with a sad smile.
This was a start I guessed.
I smiled back at her a little and then said, "I'm gonna go now."
"Okay."
I waved at her. "Good night."
"Good night," she replied waving back.
I left the room, and took a deep breath, trying to calm myself.
This was a step forward, in a direction where I could eventually stop being angry.
I had too many things to be happy about right now to let my life be ruled by that anger.
I nodded to myself, resolute in focussing on the happy stuff and not the sad one.
And a big part of the happy stuff was probably waiting in my room right now.
So, I went to the living room, grabbed Josh's present and went back to my happiness.
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Happy Monday my little Pumpkins! :D
How did we like the additions to Lexi's birthday? I wanted to add some more conversations. Also, step by step, I'm trying to mend the relationship between Blake and his parents. It's gonna be a long road, but we'll get there eventually.
In other news, I talked about trying to read more last week. So, this week I FINALLY finished reading One Last Stop. It took me... like three months to finish it. I suffered guys. I really did. Anyone else read it? Am I the only one? I like a romance built on dialogue and this story just skipped the whole falling in love process and basically told it to me instead of showing it to me. Anyway. Yeah. Also. Sex in the subway. Just no. All I could think was like, Jane can't wash, she must be MAD crusty. All of it felt off. And it just reminded me, I reaaaaally need to write a decent f/f story. I actually have an work in progress. Eventually. I'll upload it. XD Toooo many stories, as always.
Anyway! I should go. I got some more writing to do. And I have to go to bed semi-early because I think my best friend and I are gonna go get breakfast in the old city, and then got to a café so I can write, and she can do her report of our trip to New York for her job. Still trying to be more productive here. If I repeat it over and over again, maybe I'll actually be eventually. XD
Alright. Going! Thank you so much for reading this chapter! See y'all next week. I LOVE YOU GUYS! <3