Little Bitch

Chapter 37

Chapter 37

My father was waiting for me in my room when I went back inside.

For a second, I wondered how long he'd been sitting on my couch, waiting for me.

Some vindictive part of me hoped he waited for a while.

I didn't feel like being cordial. "What do you want?" I asked.

"I want us to finish that conversation," my father replied.

I wasn't exactly ready to talk with either of my parents yet, and it just felt like this was just for him, so he could feel less guilty, not for me.

"What is there more to say?" I asked, not getting any closer.

"I'm sorry we failed you as parents Blake," he told me, looking at me straight in the eyes.

Like that could fix everything.

"Are you saying this because you actually feel it, or because you want to make yourself feel better?" I asked, not wanting to sit down with him, and just standing there, with my arms crossed over my chest.

"You've been keeping all this resentment in your heart for long, huh?"

I snorted. "Don't spin this. Don't make this seem like I'm in the wrong."

"I'm not," he replied, looking like he meant it.

But I was still mad.

And hurt.

"You're just here because you're pissed that I made Mom cry," I pointed out.

And I did feel bad about it, but not enough yet to apologize.

"Your mother doesn't know what to tell you so that you'll accept your apology. She feels really bad", Dad tried to explain.

"And what? You want me to apologize for that?" I asked, a little incredulous.

"No. I just want to know what you need from us to feel better," he replied looking earnest. 

It pissed me off.

Why was I the one that was supposed to figure this out? Weren't they the parents? Shouldn't they know? And they had done the wrong thing. So, shouldn't they be the one figuring out what it was they needed to do to make me feel better?

"I wanted you guys to protect me," I said in a small voice.

But it was too late for that.

"I'm sorry Blake, I really am."

"I feel like I'm always going to be this dirty unlovable thing because of her. I feel like I don't deserve anyone good. And I just feel like being intimate with anyone is this thing devoid of feelings," I admitted to him, so he could understand what was going on in my head.

So, he could see what having done nothing to protect me had done to me.

No wonder I'd never been able to have a relationship with Lexi before. It was a miracle I was even having one with her now.

I was much more damaged than I let on. And that was saying something, since I was already such a mess.

"I wish I could turn back time and make everything okay for you Blake. I really do," my father started to say, his voice sad, "In our grief, we neglected you. You were always this independent kid, and back then, we just figured you would know what you needed, so we let you be. We realized too late that you didn't know what you needed, and that you needed us more."