"Don't tell me you... gusto mong makipaghiwalay na sa akin?"
Perhaps we're in the situation that needs all of us breaking apart. Perhaps I expected him not to really sound this hurt. Because why would he? He should have sounded like this while Keith's confessing about how they fucked up abroad. Yet no.
As if the thought completely obliterated all the remaining life in his system, Johann looks away and his grip tightens.
"After... after all these years, hyung?" his voice broke once again. "Tangina, hindi pa nga tayo pero... balak mo nang sumuko?"
I know... I know I should say something to take it back. To make him take back all he's saying because he's just being delusional. Unnecessary. Kasi saan naman niya nakuha iyon, 'di ba?
But my mouth wouldn't even budge.
"Anong sabi ni Norwyn kanina?" aniya. "Did he let you know he's sensed something from us?"
"H-how... how did you know?"
"Fuck." binitawan niya ako at lumayo saglit. "Kaya ba... Kaya ba ganoon kalaki ang galit mo sa kaniya paglabas ko? Paglabas n'yo kanina? Anong sabi n'ya? Anong pinag-usapan n'yo na hindi ko narinig?"
Gusto kong sabihin sa kaniya na hindi ko alam. Hindi ko na alam. It felt like I was a deer crossing the road and Norwyn's a large beaming car coming towards me. Transfixed and unable to move, my whole body shuts down as it didn't allow my brain to process what was coming.
Yet all I knew was... "This fear is bringing me to places, Johann."
"Then take me with you." hinawakan niya ako uli. "Whatever and wherever it is, I'll go with you. I gave half of my life watching you from afar, hyung, and now that we've got a chance... sa tingin mo madali lang sa akin bumitaw?"
"That's not what I..."
"Then what? Hindi kita maintindihan, hyung. Anong sinabi niya?"
I've waited. We both did. The silence is too much... Defeaning. How did we come from fighting with Keith and Norwyn to... this?
I've tried thinking about his fear. Our fear in this relationship. Ilang beses ko nang naisip iyong pwedeng mangyari kapag nalaman ng lahat ang tungkol sa aming dalawa. It'd either come down to two things: our fans will find it as a reason to stop supporting us and the whole industry will turn their backs against us. It's... blasphemy. Immoral. Never once in any history of Filipino bands were the members had fallen in love with each other. Let alone two men in a band.
But I've already prepared myself for it. For the damage it could bring to us. Though it scares me to pieces... At least I knew what am I supposed to do after... But getting and being real to the closest people around us?
Perhaps the reality of being disowned by people who means much to us scares me the largest than what the society could do to us.
Hindi matatanggap ng pride at puso ko na paghihiwalayin kaming dalawa nino? Ni Norwyn?
Heck! He's not even my parent! Bakit... bakit hindi ko kayang lunukin na dahil lang sa pangako na binigay ko noon... iyon pala ang puwedeng sumira ng lahat?
"Let's go home." I requested. "Pagod na ako."
Nagsimula na ako maglakad palayo at hinintay siya na sumunod. But I have pressed the elevator already and he's still in the same place. Walang emosyon ang mukha at bagsak ang panga.
A sharp pain crossed my chest. Is this what would feel when everybody learns about us? We can still be this close but not that close?
Johann's just demanding one thing from me. And I didn't give it to him. Paano na lang sa sitwasyon na kailangan kong pumili kung siya o career namin?
Makakasagot din ba ako kaagad?
***
My heart is still heavy.
"Hijo, wala ka dapat ipag-alala." an elderly woman said behind me. I guess they had bought foods already. Kanina pa raw sila nagugutom.
"Hindi naman ho."
"Really?" She sent me a warm smile. "Kitang-kita ko na mula pa sa elevator ang lukot sa mukha mo, eh."
Napailing na lang ako. "Nasaan ho si Tito?"
Siya lamang ang nasa likuran ko kahit na dalawa silang umalis kanina pagkarating ko para bantayan na si Bill. But she's alone now with her coffee and biscuits.
"May nakilala sa baba kaya rumoon muna." tumango ako at kinagat ang labi. "Maupo muna tayo, Marco, hijo."
Kanina pa ako umaga naka-upo kaya akala ko okay lang sa akin na nakatayo at nakatanaw kay Bill mula sa bintana but I was thankful for her asking me to come with her. "Dapat nagpabili ka na rin sa akin ng makakain. Parang hindi maganda na ako lang ang may pagkain sa kamay."
Bill's mother offered me her foods but I politely declined. "Kumain na rin ho ako bago tumulak dito."
"Maganda ka talagang lalaki, 'no, hijo? Hindi talaga nagbibiro si Bill noong pinapakilala ka niya sa amin." Tawa nito.
I became conscious and touched my face. I haven't stared at my face since we've learned Bill's been confined. Who knows I look like shit? Wala naman kaming schedule for shows. Though mayroon, we're rejecting them as of the moment.
"Bill's aura is much mysterious, Tita. If you're always with us during our gigs, you'll know our fans are begging us to put him in front."
She laughs. "Oo nga, 'no? His position were always behind Keith! But yeah... yeah... I guess so. But that doesn't take away the fact you're a pretty man, hijo."
Napangisi na lamang ako.
I let her partake her foods and... What should I do? Then it hits me. Almost instantly. They've been looking out for their child for days now. Nagsimula sila noong nagkaroon ng intervention sa office namin and what happened next is... history. However, this was the first time I've seen them after months or years, I think.
They live somewhere far kaya hindi sila laging pumupunta sa gig namin. But they make sure that their form of support still gets to us. And now...
I haven't asked them about how they feel. About what happened. Nor apologized about...
"Too much stress is dangerous, hijo." She broke the silence. "What's bugging your head?"
It took me a while to construct and link my wires together. "This... Hindi lang ho siguro ito ang nakita kong mangyayari this year. Right after our successful come back."
"Oh." she then proceeds to caress my back. "Don't feel woebegone about it, hijo. Our future has always been unclear since day one. It's just up to us how we'd deal with it once it arrives."
"Kaya nga po, eh... But still," Fuck. I leam closer and swallow my face with both my face. "Tita... I'm really sorry if I wasn't able to look out for them this whole time."
"Now, why would you say that?"
"I'm the oldest one in the group, Tita. " though Johann and I were the same age now but I'm still months older.
"And so?"
"It's my responsibility, still, Tita."
Afraid of seeing her upset and finally dawning about what I did, I still looked up on her. Instead of finding out what I expected to project on her face, I calmed down a little when there's no animosity in every lines of her face. Fuck. Time's really going fast.
"Ano ka ba, hijo." tawa nito. "I appreciate your inclination about it! Pero..." she sighs and hugged me a little bit. "Matatanda na kayo, hijo. Bill can decide for himself without any permission from me or you. Yes, what happened may be that bad at baka iniisip mo na sinisisi kita kasi bakit wala kang nagawa?"
"Yes."
"But I don't have that in me, Marco. Wala kang kasalanan sa nangyari. So does Seb, hijo. Kung tutuusin, mas pagagalitan ko pa 'yang anak ko kaysa sa inyo. I've raised him to be a strong and talented man he is now pero look..." she laughs and a hint of sadness could be heard. "With just a lady he's adored in a small time..."
"But I still wanna apologize, Tita. I feel bad that we didn't do anything to find out what's happening. Hinintay pa namin na umamin mismo si Keith kay Norwyn."
"Hindi ba mas maganda iyon, huh? Mas magugulo kayo kapag kayo mismo nakaalam."
She has to excuse herself to throw away the trash. I volunteered but I should not waste my energy for trivial things. While Tita's away, I saw a message from Mom and gumaan kaunti ang pakiramdam ko.
I've told them about what happened, of course. And they were saddened about it. Balak ata nila na umuwi para bumisita dahil napamahal na si Bill sa kanila. I mean, who wouldn't? He's my bandmate and brother...
Seb Johann Monterubio: Where you at, hyung? Sa hospital?
Para akong nawalan ng paghinga sa nabasa. Kanina pa niya iyon text at ngayon ko lang nakita. I didn't open it and just replied to Mom and look forward to their visit to Bill.
Buti tumayo ako at bumalik sa labas ng ICU at nandoon na pala si Tita. Thinking she might come back sa bench, it's a good idea I chose to occupy the empty side beside her. Her arms snaked around mine and I let her be.
"He's such an angel, don't he, Marco?"
"He is, Tita." I answered, observing Bill's silent state in his bed.
A nurse came out of the room and saw us. Tita asked how is he and was beyond grateful to learn Bill's doing great in healing. "He's still gonna stay there for so long, hija?"
"Hindi na po siguro, Madam. Gumaganda na po ang pakiramdam na nakukuha namin sa kaniya. I'll let the doctor let you know ho kung puwede na ho siyang ilabas dito into a regular but private room."
"Thanks." We both said and she trudges away.
"See, Marco? How can I hate the person who's covered all the bills here?"
All blood went to my face. "That's nothing, Tita. It's the least I could do."
"But still, you don't have to do this. For sure, magugulantang 'yan kapag nalaman niya ang ginawa mo, hijo."
I don't know if she's aware it's mainly the reason why Keith broke the wall he's built around me and Johann. And to the truth. Wala bang nagsabi sa kanila na wala na maibigay si Keith sa hospital kaya humingi na siya ng tulong sa amin? That's why he's tried to make Norwyn a complicit? Tapos sinabi pa rin sa aming dalawa kung anong inamin sa kaniya?
Now it got me wondering why are they that surprised na noong pagkarating na pagkarating namin ay inayos ko na lahat ng past bill at maging future bills. I even asked for a reimbursement—which they agreed on, and I received a half-ass thank you from Keith?
"Hindi naman sinabi ni Keith na bayaran mo lahat." I remember Johann telling me after I said what I did.
"Then he can fuck with that." I replied and bit my stoned tongue. After what he's put us through? Why would I give a damn about what he feels and thinks?
***
True to nurse's words, Bill is getting better after that day.
I didn't fucking went to school to study medicine or everything that matters to this but at least, I'm relieved to see some machines being pulled away from Bill's body and we can now see his face clearly.
Though we're allowed to come in and talk to him, mukhang gusto naming tatlo na sabay kaming lahat, instead of one by one, na pumasok but it's not allowed.
New month came into view and it brought a new blessing for us: Bill's discharged in the ICU. Still needing a medical lookout, I've given him a very nice but private room here in this hospital. "Hyung, ang mahal ng gusto mong kunin."
"Did I ask for your opinion about it?" I retaliate
Johann was embarrassed and tightened his mouth.
As soon as he's moved to his new room, hinayaan muna namin ang parents at ibang family members niya na pumasok para kausapin siya. At first, I was hesitant about the idea as we're trying to, at least, hide what happened but there was Norwyn... There was him who's looking out for each one of them.
"Hyung."
May nag-abot ng energy drink sa akin at kinuha ko kaagad iyon. Together with having it, I noticed how my wristwatch is now dangling around my arm. Weird. Hindi ko naman binago ang pagsusuot ko noon pero...
"Marco, want... some?"
I look up and saw Keith offering some chocolates on me. There it is once again: I noticed that he seemed relax and back to his amicable self. Gone with any bags under his eyes, Keith seemed to have gotten the forgiveness he's been asking.
"Hyung, natulala ka." Johann snaps and I snarl at them.
"No thanks." ani ko at ininom na lamang ang binigay niya sa akin.
The two silently took the empty seats beside me and never opened a conversation. Gusto ko silang tanungin kung bakit hindi sila sumunod sa loob but that would start a conversation and I don't want to talk to one of them yet...
"Kung... kung puwede nang lumabas si Bill next week, puwede na muna siyang magpahinga nang isa o dalawang linggo tapos balik na tayo uli sa gig."
"I don't think that's a good idea." Johann replied.
"Why not? Siya na rin mismo ang nagsabi na gusto na rin niya uli tumugtog. Let's give it to him."
"Are you his doctor?" I snapped back. "Let him heal first. That gig thing could wait."
My reply was enough to stale the atmosphere around us. I didn't know I'd come back from hating Keith's existence again and again.
"No..." he faltered. "Siyempre, hindi, Marco. But he wants to do it, siya na mismo nagsabi."
"How sure you are he's all ready from going back to performing? What if something happened on stage? What if something triggers him from feeling something or what?"
No one replied. "See? Gamitin mo nga utak mo, Keith. O naiwan mo sa abroad?"
This time, Johann sneaked his arm on my thigh and told me to calm down. "That's harsh, Marco... Gusto ko lang naman..."
"Well, it's not helping!" I shot back, now watching them two. "Ang galing lang na gusto mo na i-consider tumugtog uli when you failed to look after one of the integral part of this band, Keith! If you have nothing good to say, manahimik ka na lang, please?"
"And what are you trying to imply, huh?!" bigla na lang siyang tumayo. That prompted me to level him, too. "Na dapat nakadikit ako sa kaniya bente-kuwatro oras? I told you—everyone I blame myself enough finding him unconscious, how much more I could take?!"
"Yes! Yes, that's what I'm trying to imply! As long as he's here, getting medicated and being treated by the people because of your failure to see what's wrong with him, yes, I still blame you! Hindi ako madaling magpatawad, Kei—"
"Then fuck your forgiveness, Marco! Hindi ko na hihingin! Bakit ko pa hihingin ang sa'yo e napatawad na ako ng mga taong malapit kay Bill? Your forgiveness don't even matter to me now!"
"Fuck you!"
If it weren't for Johann's intervening between us, nakasampol na ako ng suntok sa kaniya. I don't care if it hurts every time he pushes me away, gustong-gusto ng puso ko na madaplisan ng dugo ang mukha ng gagong iyon.
Sinong tinakot niya? As if I'm willing to give him the forgiveness he wanted from me! Fuck it if he's been forgiven by Bill's family, or from every saints in the world, sa tingin niya ba simpleng aksidente lang ang nangyari?!
I could fathom the idea of choosing my career over my relationship with Johann but seeing the future of it, na wala si Bill sa aming apat, ano pang silbi ng career ko?
The Firezone has always been composed of 4 grown men since time immemorial. What if something worse had happened to Bill? I'd rather die if he's decided not to come back performing!
"Ang kapal ng mukha mo, Marco! Just because I asked for financial help, and you fulfilled it, puwede mo na akong ganituhin, ha?!"
"This isn't about who's got more money or not, it's about Bill's fucking life! I don't care now about what happened and how you fucked things up, gusto ko na lang gumaling siya! Pero hindi kita mapapatawad dahil nilagay mo sa ganitong posisyon ang kapakanan ng banda natin!"
"Sa tono mo, parang pinupunto mo na gusto kong sirain ang banda, ha?!"
This time, Johann failed to shield either one of us and Keith successfully pushed me hard my ass kissed the hospital ties. It took a second for the pain to sink in but that didn't hurt me; it's Johann not helping me as soon as I fell down and staying there, staring malevolently at me. At us.
"Believe anything you want to believe, Marco! Pero isa lang tandaan mo! Hindi ako o si Bill ang sisira sa imahe ng banda natin! Alam mo kung bakit? Kasi normal lang sa kahit sinong tao ang mabaliw at masaktan dahil nagmahal sila! Fuck you, we've been singing songs about it for years! Lumabas man 'to sa media at sa mga supporters natin, maiintindihan nila ang nangyari dahil kapag nagmahal ka nang sobra, asahan mo na ganoon din ang sakit na mapapala mo sa huli!"
What is he trying to make a point now?!
Keith pushed Johann away and point his finger at me. That infuriated me more but I was stuck on the floor. "Pero babalik pa rin sila sa atin, Marco. I knew it. I knew our fans very well. But if another secret will.be unveiled to them, iyon ang sisira sa lahat ng sacrifices at efforts natin as a band! Itatak mo sa kokote mo 'to, Marco Perez: hindi kaming dalawa ni Bill ang puwedeng sumira sa buong banda. Hindi. Kaming. Dalawa."
Sinubukan siyang kausapin ni Johann pero napaupo na lamang siya sa bench dahil sa pagtulak nito. I wanted to curse at him—for pushing Johann away because I know it hurts! But just like a statue, I was immobile by the remnants of his haunting words hanging in the hallway.
Johann and I locked eyes together and for once, we share the same fear burning in our eyes. What does he mean? Na hindi silang dalawa ang sisira sa banda? Will it be me? Or Johann?
But... But... "Hyung, are you hurt?"
Mabilis siyang lumapit para tulungan ako tumayo pero mabilis ko rin iyon pinaalis at mag-isa tumayo. I could feel my whole ass throbbing in pain but the fear was overwhelming I have no idea what to say.
"Huwag mong masyadong dibdibin ang sinabi ni Keith, hyung. You know he's only jok—"
Joking? Joking saan? The fact that they are not the who's gonna be the one to blame kapag nasira ang banda? Don't you see or understand what he tried to imply earlier, huh? He just accused us two! Na tayong dalawa ang makakasira sa ating apat!
But why are you trying to make me feel unbothered about it?!
"Tell... tell them I went home first." that's the only words I could come up and walked away. He chased me up to the elevator but it was fast than him and I was staring back at the person much dangerous to the sake of our band.
I hate my face. I hate the person staring back at me. I hate how this face enticed someone in the band and fell in love with afterwards. I hate this face that's gonna bring this whole empire down. From the top to the very ground.
***
I guess... hindi lang si Keith ang kaaway ko ngayon.
But I don't care. Kung gusto niyang magalit sa akin dahil sa inasta ko, namin, noong nakaraan, then he can go fuck himself. Knowing Johann, I'm sure he's got a lot of reasons to believe Keith better than me. Siya pa ba? Siya pa ba na anghel sa aming apat?
Hindi ako bumisita sa hospital after ng pangyayaring iyon. I have no contact of anyone in there to know what's happening now. Kaaway ko si Keith, si Norwyn, even Johann! Wala naman akong number ng kahit sinong relative ni Bill. So I went home na lang at doon muna namalagi.
Thankfully, Mom went home to visit Bill. Isasabay na raw niya roon at may aayusin siya saglit sa Cebu. She's paid a visit this morning already and I'm busy in my room, playing around.
"Mom!"
Shock filled my face when I descended the stairs that same day. Ibababa ko lang sana 'yung dinalang lunch ko kanina but I saw her coming in from the threshold. Her face glows up as she yanks away her scarf.
"How is he?" a maid approached and grabbed the plates from me. I hugged her. "Pumapayat ka. Is Dad starving you abroad?"
She pinches my cheeks, her eyes glistening with elation. "Ikaw bata ka talaga! It's just work! But don't fret— I knew you'd instantly, but everything's alright. Ikaw nga ang pumapayat!"
"These past few weeks was just..." I sighed. "So? Have you seen him?"
Mom started talking about her visit to Bill as we made our way to the kitchen. Tutal I'm done eating, sinamahan ko na lang siya sa dining table habang kumakain siya. "He can talk now. Everything's all ready and nice for him, son. Puwede na siyang ma-discharge any time this week."
"That's a relief." I could feel my chest loosening. "Is... he still in a state of shock? Or still roiling about what happened?"
Tumaas ang kilay nito sa akin. "First of all, how should I know? Hindi mo pa binabanggit sa akin kung anong nangyari."
I was silent. "To answer your question: madali na siya kausap nitong mga nakaraang araw. His mom was still there so she's explained his recovery. Nothing to worry so much, Marco. Gumagaling na ang kaibigan mo."
Napatango na lamang ako. That's all I wanna know after he's brought out from the ICU. Kasi kung hindi pa siya okay ay hindi pa siya lalabas doon, 'di ba? "That kid asked me why you didn't come with me."
"Ah..."
"Don't tell me you've fought him when he's discharged from the ICU?"
"Mom!" I retort, almost raising from seat.
"You're my son, Marco. Of course I knew how you live." umirap na lamang ako. "Mukhang wala siyang alam na nangyayari sa labas ng kuwarto niya. Though it's good para hindi siya ma-stress agad, right? But he's asking his Mom bakit wala isa sa inyo ang nandoon."
I wanted to let her know that when we were told about what happened, hindi kami umalis sa tabi niya. But she doesn't know that there was a commotion that's happened before she arrived back here. Mukhang hindi sinasabi ng dalawa sa kaniya iyon.
"Hindi rin ho ba sila bumibisita?"
"Seb visited him yesterday, Marco. Akala nga niya magkasama raw kayo. So did I."
My face flushed a little bit. "We're... busy as of the moment."
"Busy? Wala pa kayong mga gigs, right?"
I only gave her a nervous laugh. I tried to put out the current topic and asked about their state abroad. There's nothing new: still full of work. "Mom," I began. "Recently, I've been thinking about..."
"Moving in with us again?" a smile glowed from her corners of lips.
Napailing ako pero natawa. "Yeah... Just a thought! You know... about what happened..."
"Marco, hindi ko nga alam kung anong nangyari kaya hindi kita maintindihan. Shed some light for Mom, please?"
Malalim akong huminga nang malalim at nagsimula ulitin lahat ng inamin sa amin ni Keith. I left out all my side comments but just like what happened that day... "Bakit hindi niya natapos?"
Now... now how am I supposed to explain that because of my side comments, it prompted a fight between Norwyn and I?
"I guess... I guess he's still not ready..."
Mom puts down her cutleries and think for a while. As if processing the informations I've relayed, she continues eating and nod at me. "So hindi mo pa rin alam kung anong nangyari?"
"You can say that, Mom." I laughed. "But Keith and I... were not on the nice terms as of now. So I don't know the ending. But does that still matter?"
She shakes her head and wrapped her hand around my balled fist. "Gumagaling na si Bill at iyon ang pinaka-importante ngayon."
"Yes."
After a short silence, "So bakit iniisip mo na sumama na sa amin? You guys are planning to disband?"
The way she's said it was the same of my reactions every time I think about what if something much worse had happened to Bill kung hindi pa siya nakita ni Bill sa banyo nila, right? That could only lead to us Bill leaving the band for his own good and to the entirety of the band.
Like what I've said to the two, if one of us is absent, we're not the same 'The Firezone' that's known by everyone. It's hard to move when you're limping from an absent body part.
"That's not a possibility, Mom." A lie. "It's just... I was just thinking about... you know... we can't be only in a band for all of our lives."
"Why not? Some bands of my time are still going on up to this day." she then proceeds on enumerating classic and OG Western bands from her and Dad's prime. True enough, I know they're still active. Still kicking.
"Are you planning to leave the band, honey?"
"How could I leave my life all behind me, Mom?"
"You managed to leave this house in the past son," she quipped and started moving on the chair, chuckling. I rolled my eyes. "Just kidding, Marco! Don't take it too seriously!"
"But, Mom..." I held my breath for a while. "It's easier said than done. I don't know. I was just thinking about it and rejecting it afterwards. This is where my life is. I cannot leave this one to start a new one abroad."
"You can go with us and still have that life, Marco."
"I know but..." mariin akong napapikit at sinabunutan ang sariling buhok.
"Or are you contemplating because Seb doesn't want to go with you? Or he doesn't agree on you leaving?"
"Don't bring that man into this conversation, Mom."
"Nag-away ba kayo?"
Hindi na ako sumagot. I should've not asked her about it. I kept the silence for a while and I just knew she dropped the topic already. "Don't think of disbanding, Marco. Nabanggit sa akin ni Bill na gusto na niyang tumugtog uli."
Bigla akong nabuhayan sa narinig. "Really?"
"Yes. I guess he's stated whatever happened inspired him to play once again. That's what he's said."
So what Keith had told us was true... Gusto na nga rin niya bumalik sa pagtugtog. So am I! But... but how? I'm in dispute with the three...
Mom cannot stay long dahil may flight siya ng 3 ng hapon papuntang Cebu. Then she'll return here tomorrow para bumalik sa States. "Don't bother on sending me off tomorrow, son. Kaya na ni Mommy iyon."
Hindi na ako nagpumilit doon at hinatid na lamang siya sa airport bago bumalik sa bahay. An idea was formulated in my head while driving back home kaya pagkabalik ko sa bahay, I had them clean the pool area dahil gusto ko mag-record doon.
While practicing my strings, a loud footsteps can be heard from behind. Wala na akong time magtaka kung bakit parang may ibang tao sa bahay dahil may mga tao nga sa bahay!
"Tito Marco!" Gelo jumped on me and I swear I've heard the deck chair creaked and snapped when he started hugging and kissing my face.
Thank God naibaba ko 'yung gitara sa tabi!
He smells like how Johann smells often: baby scent. Pero nabalot din ang pang-amoy ko ng pabango ng ama niya. There is he, Vincent, standing beside us while watching his own son savage my whole face with kisses.
"What are you up to this afternoon, Mr. Perez?" he asked cooly and if it weren't for his mini-me on my lap, I would've given him the hug I've been planning to give after I've exited his office months ago!
I said I wanted to be left alone... but I guess I really don't want it, at all.
***
"Why you don't want to eat, Tito?"
Gelo held out a single fries for me and Vincent started chuckling in front of me. I snarl at him and grabbed what's being offered at me. "Still satiate, littel boy. Just keep on eating. You've play hard earlier."
Nodding, I wiggle his hair and returned from eating his spaghetti. Grabbing my drinks, Vincent did the same and I couldn't look at him in the eye.
"Kumusta?" he began and I jumped a little.
I think it's the first time he's initiated a conversation with me after ambushing me at my house. Well, given what his son did when we arrived here at the mall... Talagang ngayong kumakain pa lang kami puwedeng magka-usap.
"Not that good but still good." ngiti ko.
Vincent tilts his head, his handsome face is asking me why. He grew his beard and I knew that it it wasn't for his perfume earlier, I wouldn't recognize him. His face is covered with a handsomely-shaven beard and he's now acting on his real age.
"Can't talk about it right now."
"Sure." he laughed and drunk his drinks once again.
We didn't talk once again until we brought down Gelo in their house. I kissed him good night and I thought he wouldn't let go when he hugged my neck but he did let go.
"Kailangan mo ng jacket?"
"Yes, please." I've checked the weather tonight at Tagaytay and I guess I'll need some.
"Smells like you. Ginamit mo na 'to, 'no?" sabi ko pagka-abot niya ng itim na leather na jacket. His scent has always been that CEO-wood-strong perfume. Masakit sa ilong kapag marami pero sakto lang kapag sakto lang.
"Yeah. Can't find the others."
I hit for his shoulders and chuckled all the way down to their ground floor. Sinalubong kami ng mayordoma nila at binilinan siya na if Gelo looks for him, he'll be at home few hours from now. The old woman agreed and wished us well on the travel.
The breeze that's upon me after we left their house was enough to send shivers down on me. Pinatay ni Vincent ang aircon ng kotse at binaba na lang ang bintana para hindi ganoon malamig.
It's only when we've exited the whole city he's asked me a question. "Bumisita kami para mag-catch up sa'yo. And I guess you need some company and it's good-timing?"
"Nah. I don't want to burden you of any problems I'm facing."
"So there are really problems out there, huh?"
"Yes."
"Wanna share it with me? I'm all ears."
I could start here but I cannot bring myself to answer a simple 'yes' kaya sinabi ko na lang na pagkarating na lang namin sa Tagaytay ako magkuwe-kuwento. "So is it really true you're planning to send him in States when he reached high school?"
"You're saying that as if it's my own decision, Marco." he laughs.
"Bakit? Hindi ba? You're his parent."
"Nope. It's his idea. Doon din mag-aaral ibang kaibigan niya and it influenced him. I have no choice."
"But you don't want it?"
"I know you might know me as a cold, selfish CEO of my own company, even before I became one, but I cannot break a word for my child." he softly replied.
"I wasn't saying anything." ngiti ko.
He gave me another smile. "Just kidding. Besides, I'm planning to be like your parents, too. It'd be better for me and my company to be in an area with much influence."
"Mataas ang hakot mo sa U.S.A?" he nods. "That's nice. Would it surprise you Mom and I were just talking earlier about me migrating to them, too?"
I don't know what astounded him more: me leaving the country or hearing Mom's in the country. In-explain ko ang kalagayan ni Mom dito at naintindihan naman niya iyon. "Wait— don't tell me you're quiting?"
"Why are people assuming I'm leaving the band just because I want to be for good in another country?"
Vincent's small laugh filled the cold breeze. Mas lumalamig na habang paakyat kami nang paakyat. "You're an artist here, that's why."
I just rolled my eyes at him. "You'll understand it once I tell you what's bothering me and the band these past few months."
Mas tumaas ang kilay niya nang marinig ang banda. One thing I like about this man is... he knows how to hold a thing for so long, without hearing any complaints back from him. Well, not until you point it out and he'll explode, but nevertheless, he knows how to keep a secret. And when to use it and discard it.
I've been asking him why he's wanted to go to Tagaytay with me. Sana sinama namin si Gelo dahil magugustuhan niya iyon but, "You're not a single father, yet, Marco. You wouldn't understand." he replied in exhausted state.
I guess I know how it feels! Napagod lang naman ako kakahabol kay Gelo kakalipat ng machine na lalaruan kanina!
Upon arriving at the Tagaytay, doon na kami sa isang Bulalo house kumain. Nagbunga rin ang hindi namin pagsabay sa bata kumain dahil na-enjoy namin kumain habang nanonood ng local band.
"This place is nice." he murmured while moving his seat beside me. Nakatalikod kasi siya sa stage at may bagong kumakanta na. He's spent 45-minutes facing the performer with his back.
I felt intimidated when our shoulders touched but I busied myself slurping the bone marrow in my almost-empty bowl. "It's weird to see yourself in the same position as they are now in the past, you know that?"
"Hmmm." he smiled and the girl started greeting everyone.
"We're quite new to this... but maraming beses na kaming nag-practice so I hope you guys like it!" we all sniggered. "If you have any requests after our three-song performance, write it down sa tissue o papel na mayroon kayo then hand it to us!"
Kahit isa sa mga tao na tiga-rito ay wala pang nakakakilala sa akin. I kinda liked it. We were able to be treated like a regular customer. Well, ilang beses lang naman napuna si Vincent dahil mukhang mamahalin daw ang suot niya na dress shirt at tie. Sus. I knew they're just complimenting his muscles and daddy-kind look.
Our music are popular all over the world. Alam ko na ginagamit din ng mga kagaya nila na aspiring bands ang mga kanta namin. I mean, we were in the same position before! So I understand it! Tonight, I am thankful none of them performed any of our songs.
I'd rather be incognito tonight with the man who I almost chose over Johann.
After their three songs, may mga nag-abot nga ng kanta. They were overwhelmed about it at inamin na they can only accommodate five requested songs. Doon lang ako tinigilan ni Vincent na mag-request din.
"I want to hear her version of 'Your Mercy'." He exclaimed. "Keith has this feminine voice sometimes and kapansin-pansin 'yon sa kanta na 'yon. That's why I want you to ask them to sing it."
I rolled my eyes instead. Of course he doesn't know about it yet.
Natapos ko ang kinakain sa pangatlong request song nila at nagsimula na mag-ayos ng sarili. I checked my phone and opened the camera to record the moment tonight. Gawa lang sa kawayan ang buong lugar at malawak siya kaya maraming tables at upuan. The stage is big enough and malakas ang tugtog. The purpose of the house seems to be make everyone in here feel at home. Sobrang babait pa ng mga staffs.
Once they're done, they started grabbing their things at aayain ko na sana sila pero bigla niyang kinuha ang phone sa akin at nilagay uli sa Video iyon.
"I noticed the band's account has been inactive lately, Marco. Come, sing for us and I'll record it!"
"Why the hell would I do that?!"
"I'm actually doing a favor for you and to your fans, Marco." he forced. "Gusto na nila marinig kayo kumanta uli (I've read the comments!) so use this as an opportunity!"
"Ayoko nga," nilibot ko ang tingin at buti walang nanonood sa amin. They're all busy eating and drinking beers at the same time. "Besides, I'm enjoying the fact no one could recognize me!"
"Ako bahala! Sige na! Do it for me, instead please?"
His eyes turned into puppy eyes ang kulang na lang may mag-project na tenga at buntot ng aso sa likuran niya. Tinitigan ko siya at mukhang desidido nga sa binabalak.
"Fine." I brought back my things on the table and asked the staff if I could sing one song before leaving.
"Sure po! Pambawi na rin sa malaking tip na binayad ninyo!" she gestured me the stage afterwards.
Tip? Pinanlakihan ko ng tingin ang kasama pero tinaas niya lang ang kamao sa ere.
I've been used to thousands and thousands of eyes watching us while we're on the stage. But tonight, as the others saw me going on the stage, nanlambot ang tuhod ko. I just told him I don't want to be recognized!
Yet when I sat on the stool and observe each one of the guests, walang bakas ng pagkakakilala sa mga mukha nila. There, my breathing stopped being rigid and tapped on the microphone.
Vincent positioned the phone at me pero mukhang hindi kita nang maayos dahil dumilim kaunti at napuno ng disco lights ang lugar. Vincent's now sitting two tables from me and the guests are watching him intently too.
Hindi na ako nagpakilala, because that's a stupid idea, and just told them it's my first time and I hope it's not gonna be that bad. My confidence skyrocketed when they started cheering on me. Oh, God, I don't know if you'd still do that if you learned it never my first time tonight.
"So..." I chuckled nervously. "What should I sing for you guys, huh?"
"YOUR MERCY, PLEASE!" Vincent shouted that got everyone laughing for him. Hindi ko rin napigilan at napatango na lang.
"You know that song, guys? Is that fine?" I raised my thumb to ask for signs and they gave it to me.
Coughing, I positioned the mic right close to my mouth and sighed. There's no band behind me, nor a background music I could depend on but... but... as I roll through my memory of the lyrics of that song...
Then it hits me why Vincent wanted me to sing this one... Or why he wants to hear it to be sang by the lady earlier...
With only the first lines, it hits me like a yellow bus. “What if I never allow myself to forget/What if it's you running repeatedly in my head?”