💙
|Love is like a bird. When given a sky of choice, it'll still return back to you. But if caged, it will flap its wings harder to get away|
•present•
The next Friday I submitted the enrollment form along with the trip fees to the department's student's council. My friends were charged up when I told them the news about me joining them for the trip. Though it was a first, I was definitely looking forward to it.
As asked by my BadiMa, I went shopping for four good hours with the girls who really took it on them to make me get the things. I am never so choosy about what I wear until I'm comfortable in it unlike my friends who made me try so many things that my arms were hurting and legs breaking. It was a hectic task at hand.
Manali was a sweet hill station in the valley of Himachal Pradesh and I had packed some woolen clothes to keep me warm as the season would be really cold now. I am so excited for this first solo trip of my life and couldn't help but feel giddy to the pit of my stomach.
Finally, the day came. When I would be leaving for Manali. I couldn't sleep again because of the nightmares I got and partly due to my excitement for the trip.
"You took everything, Baby?" BadiMa asked me for the fifth time in the last hour so I won't get in trouble. "Check both of your bags once again for important things. And your lunch box too, Baby!"
"Yes BadiMa! I checked my bags twice last night." I notified. "And the lunch box you prepared for me is safely packed in the bags too." I pressed her shoulders with care, "Ab aap meri fikar karna band karo, meri pyaari BadiMa!!"
["You need to stop worrying for me, my lovely, BadiMa!!"]
"Motherly instincts, my Baby!" She patted my cheeks. Her smile fell instantly as if she realized something, "You weren't sleeping again?"
Cat got your tongue, Baby.
"I..I slept BadiMa." I partly lied because I do not want to get her all worked up for me, "Don't worry your Baby is all good."
She shook her head still not believing my lie when BadePapa arrived in the hallway, "So all set, champion?" BadePapa asked and I grinned, saluting, "Yes, captain!"
"Take care and stay close with your friends." He advised, "Make sure that you picture all the landmarks you pass and it might be snowy too. Do not eat too much from outside else you might get a sore throat and-"
"Sujal Ji!" BadiMa halted his monologue with a meaningful sigh, "She's going for an adventurous trip. Do not make it sound like a military regime."
"But Mamta Ji-" BadePapa tried to prove his point while I couldn't stop giggling witnessing their moment.
"Bas kariye, Sujal Ji!"
["That'd be enough, Sujal!"]
"Our daughter is going out on her own for the first time and I just want to be-" He explained.
"Our daughter is smart." BadiMa contemplated. "She can take care of herself better than us."
"I know that but still she's small-"
No matter what happens, BadePapa never oppressed BadiMa, instead he supported her by showing his love and care through his gestures. For me, their story is a perfect example of love-after-marriage.
They inspire me to seek for a love that doesn't need words. Where the raw emotions of amour are expressed without any hint of malice between a couple who doesn't need anything to complete their story. Their mutual care, respect, compassion and benevolence are the roots of the tree of their love.
I had never seen such a bond between my parents that makes me greedy like no lengths. Even if I get married to someone someday, I will undoubtedly give my everything into the relationship. To make it work and bloom with each passing day. Not give up until I breathe my last because for somebody who had begged for drops of love and attention would even survive by the glimpse of an elusive oasis in the barren desert and life-long belief in a mirage.
"Baby, are you ready to go? Aakash has arrived and is waiting for us outside." Bhai said, "Papa did you call him?" He asked but BadePapa appeared clueless, making me discreetly silent. I don't remember including this in the plan and Aakash didn't even mention it when he messaged me yesterday. The frightening thoughts raced across my mind once again but somehow I recaptured myself with difficulty.
"He will drop her along with Kartik at the station." Papa informed us walking inside, "He took permission from me first. No doubt, Sushma attested for his apt upbringing." His tone was proud, "Just like the flawless son-in-law I deserved."
"Your son-in-law is flawless because your daughter is perfect, Sunil." BadePapa addressed with a focused eye contact but Papa chose to not comment on it.
It made me feel nugatory but I subsided. This wasn't the moment to beef and ruin the atmosphere.
"This is our personal affair, Sunil." BadePapa speculated, "Ruchi would have asked to him if she wanted and if she didn't then there wasn't any need for him to be here-"
"He's going to marry her, Bhaiya." He reminded gruffly, "If he doesn't know about her whereabouts then who else will? After a father it's the husband who administers a girl's life." His thoughts made me feel like some commodity who needs to be reigned under a male personification. Then be it her father, brother, spouse or son. Why do a typical mindset tag a woman as a burden? Why is she restricted to be seen as the responsibility or a duty that just needs to be settled? "And for informing, I did it." He told.
"I don't understand how your run-down mentality works, Sunil?" BadePapa ridiculed abashed by his thought process just like each of us, "A woman does not need a man's corroboration to lead her life. She has both her senses and will for the purpose." He necessitated, "And what era do you still live in? Where do such worn-out philosophies come from into your head?"
"It's my experience, Bhaiya." Papa keened, "I've seen a woman walk over me with her conceited deception. You can't expect my condolences for someone like her when you didn't pay the expense." His voice was laced with glum and affrontation.
His words were harsh but the truth was not a bed of roses either, it was called a bed of thorns for some reason and neither his bitter experience was curtained from any of us. I have seen Papa struggling between his work and responsibilities to give me a stable life. Even when he was not present, he provided for me. His presents without fail were passed on by BadePapa every year on my birthday because he probably felt guilty of spoiling the day worth remembering for me in his blind anger. In childhood, I had been a demanding kid that piled up his crunches even more. Maybe his less interactions and more expectations from me had been his way of showing his presence in my life because his perspective of life drastically changed with Mumma's betrayal.
"But Sunil that does not mean-"
"It's okay, BadePapa!" I intervened intending to not make it any more difficult for Papa who was till now anguished with this topic, "Leave it, please." I redeemed.
"Get your luggage outside." Papa contended, "Aakash shouldn't be left waiting."
I bobbed my head in acknowledgement because probably he did not want to make Aakash feel ghosted because he was our guest.
"Take care of yourself and have your meals at time." BadiMa mandated, "Do not think of skipping them else you'll find me there with a spatula." She warned. "Understood?"
"Yes, my BadiMa!" I assured her.
"Keep your phone on, Baby. If you feel something is wrong then immediately contact us, okay!." BadePapa said and I agreed.
As Bhai loaded my bags in the trunk of Aakash's car I sensed Papa's presence beside me which was overwhelming yet scary at the same time.
"Take care Papa and please have your arthritis medicines on time." I urged politely to begin a conversation.
"I will. Don't worry, I have been doing it alone for years." He requisitioned, "I wanted to speak with you-" He stopped in between with some hesitancy visible on his face.
"You want to say something Papa?" I inquired patiently.
His face grew serious out of the blue when he spoke the exact words. "I am trusting you even after your mother's colorful endeavor." He implied, "Don't do something that will make me regret my decision, Ruchi."
"I won't Papa. Ever." I promised more to myself than him. I would hold onto anything he lent me, be it his trust or love. I would treasure it over my life.
"The engagement is approaching. Be back soon." He patted my head lovingly and I felt like the entire world was at my feet.
Maybe some things are changing between us for good. This is when I get my father's love without any limitations.
"Let's go, Baby!" Kartik Bhai prompted.
For the first time throughout the day I found Aakash staring at me. I have not expected him here because sharing and including him in my private ventures didn't go well for me. I avoided meeting him at all costs despite the encouragement from BadiMa and BadePapa. The queasiness about supplying the subjects for controversies, got me shaking like a leaf in autumn. I still have not got over 'the date surprise' yet and having another episode is going to push me somewhere I do not want. Surprisingly, Aakash or his family was not pressing on the matter of reluctance from my side presumably because it was an arranged marriage and it might take us some time to settle with the idea of this alliance.
Aakash gave me a wide smile as a token of greeting which I gracefully returned. I do not blame Aakash for anything because he had a situation to deal with and Papa and Bua Ji might be overwhelmed by the idea of me returning late in the evening.
The car ride was awfully silent for me because Bhai and Aakash's conversation talked about their respective work, movie interest, political preference. I answered only if Bhai happened to seek out for my insight on the same. We unloaded the luggage when we reached the railway station which was crowded at every nook and corner since it was the onset of vacation time for everyone living in mega cities. Bhai reminded Aakash to get his platform ticket before he went to park his car while we both moved inside.
Railway Stations are places full of different kinds of people. Vendors and hawkers are observed shouting, selling different items to eat and use. Hundreds of coolies dressed in red uniforms carrying luggage and putting exhaustive efforts to earn their wage for the day. No doubt that railway stations are important places, it is the lifeline of the Indian transport system.
Bhai was holding my palm overlooking the hurdling crowd which elbowed us every then and now. It wasn't new for someone like me who spent every holiday season in the native town of my grandparents. After a lot of hustle-bustle and debacle with some quarrelsome masses we made it to platform number three where my train would arrive.
"You came, Baby!!" Sammy cheered, scaring me from behind, clapping her hands. How did she find us in a crowd of thousands? Did she buy binoculars? Then she transiently snatched me away from Bhai's hold pulling me behind a huge pillar while Bhai was alarmed looking for me around as his eyes were concentrated on the timings of the train a moment before.
"What are you doing, Sammy?" I asked bewildered, "Bhai is finding me there."
"You're late." Sammy complained instead of answering my query.
"We can't hide here, Sammy!" I urged trying to make some sense, "Bhai looks worried for me." I implied, observing Bhai who was searching around me for no valid reason.
"Where is the fun in hide and seek if he gets us so soon, Baby!" Her eyes glittering with deviltry.
"You can't be serious!!" I snapped at her sense of humor which wasn't appropriate for this moment.
"She can never be serious, Baby!" Bhai stated from behind our backs clearly displeased by the act. He found us. Oh, Sammy I hope that you did not rattle his cage. "I can't do anything when you've utilized all my quota of seriousness, Mr. Khanna!! I've to solely rely on my prodigious wit. You never appreciate it but I'm a real struggler, man!!" She published and kept her hand around Bhai's shoulders, "You took up engineering to grind all your life while I picked up humanities to live my life. You siblings survive on coffee while I am high on the richness of sweets. You're the guy burdened with a depressed soul while I'm blessed with a pure soul. You sulked while I rocked. Though, it's none of my fault but still I sympathize with you, boi. But beggars can't be choosers, Kartik."
What the hell was that speech?!! Bhai is definitely going to blow off his brain by the steam of anger, Sammy had successfully provided for him. Why Sammy? Why don't you crave some peace in life? Why are you always on high? Life always isn't a hiking rollercoaster, bestie!!
"Neither do I sulk nor am I a beggar so kindly work on your unbearable attitude and keep your bizzare counseling miles away from my life." Bhai hypothesized with subtle calm, "Keep off your hands as well." He added throwing away her arms around him rather softly.
"It's alright Sammy. We should go now." I intervened, wishing that she would listen to me but alas she did not take the advice.
"Kartik Khanna it's not like I'll listen to you but you got her late!!" She flipped completely.
"The train hasn't left yet Ms. Khanna." Bhai chipped in before I could have answered her. "You didn't need a companion either way so stop bawling like a kid."
"Look, here comes this jealous old Batra. I forgot that you are jealous of me." She replied saucily.
"Sammy!" I dragged her name in order to warn her before another fight started. Bhai's expressions changed as he attacked her with a silly accusation.
"Whom did you just call 'old' woman?"
"To you, Kartik!" Sammy answered as if it was a regular deal.
"You-"
"Bhai please! Sammy please! I don't think it's the right time to do this. Some other time, pretty please!!" I showed them a puppy face and they reluctantly agreed.
"Just for you!" Sammy said, dragging me along with her to her brother leaving behind Bhai who dragged the luggage alone.
My poor Bhai!!
"You came early?" Vivek asked, rubbing the morning sleep out of his eyes and I had an urge to roll my eyes at him.
This brother-sister duo would turn me insane someday. One claims I am late while the other questions my early appearance. Who are they enacting exactly? Travelling Ticket Examiner? Did they take that up as a side-business now?
"I know that I'm on time everyone. Stop overreacting. Bhavesh, Chhaya and Sarah haven't come yet either."
"Bhavo lost his favorite pillow so he went back halfway, Chhaya is getting us pizza takeaways and spicy pakoras for the journey and couldn't keep track of a quacking doe."
[ Pakoras - Pakora is a savory, deep-fried Indian snack made with pieces of vegetables and it is recommended to pair them with chutneys and a hot cup of tea on the side.]
"Okay!"
"What the hell!!" He knocked and fell on Bhai who was talking over the phone. Sarah smiled hotly, "Oh, I'm really sorry, Dear Duck! I couldn't keep a track of you standing in my way either!!"
"I'm so sick of you, woman!!!"
Here, I got another pair of nuclear energy.
"Hello, Aakash!!" Sammy hi-fied as soon he walked to our group saving us from the brawl that was ensuing.
"Hii Sammy!" He acknowledged her and others, "So, all of you are decked up for Manali?" Aakash asked with genuine interest when Bhavesh and Chhaya joined us.
"Of Course, we are. And you know much more because she's coming with us for the first time." Sarah said, pointing out a finger at me.
"First time?"
"Yeah! She never went on any kind of excursions before." Aakash looked at me as if confirming the newfound information but I didn't say a word.
"The train is here." Bhai declared, "All of you load the bags." He ordered like a big brother and they abided but Sammy stood glued on the place busily clicking pictures.
Bhai snatched the phone out of her hands making her whine, "Go and work."
"I hired you for myself." She cheekily told, fuelling Bhai's impatience. He shook his head, scolding her simultaneously as he put her phone in his pocket and did the task for her begrudgingly.
"Why didn't you tell us that your Aakash is coming to drop you?" Sarah inquired as I passed her our bags.
"Bhai has come along with him too."
"It's actually your fiancé seeing you off too." She said, possessing heart eyes for him, "The thought itself is so cute!!"
What's so amazing about it? I am the one going along them instead they're budging me with the fact that Aakash tagged along.
"What difference does that make?" I pointed out, "He is just dropping me because he and my family wanted him to do so."
"Have you lost the romantic bone in you in just one date?" She crossed her arms over her chest, "C'mon girl, be thankful that he cares for you."
"I am thankful for his gesture, Sarah." I voiced. "Just not in a way that you expect."
"Who gets thankful in a relationship, dumb doe?" Vivek articulated taking over the charge of heavy bags.
Sarah gave a disbelieving glare, "The one who has a responsive heart." She chortled while getting on the train, "You go and talk to him at least."
"What shall I talk about?" I asked her tiredly behaving normally with the exhausting protocol.
"Aakash, how do you feel when you see me going to Manali? Don't you feel like joining us? I am going to miss you a lot and you keep calling me, huh-" She reeled.
I shut my eyes. Please, Sarah!!
"Ruchi!" Aakash's voice broke our loud chattering. "Sarah, do you mind if I talk to your friend for a moment?"
"Why would we? Go ahead. You both talk." Sarah said, pushing me in his direction while Vivek held my arm before I fell, "You be yourself, Baby. Do not imitate what you're not even if it is him." He whispered to me, "And if you do not want this then tell me now. I'll help you avoid him." I nodded my head, gesturing to him that I'll do it.
I walked to where he stood and apprehensively fidgeted with my fingers. I wasn't the best at initiating conversations.
"Thanks for the ride, Aakash." I started not knowing what to do.
"You don't need to do that everytime I do something for you, Ruchi. We're getting engaged very soon." He said, seeing my uneasiness while talking with him.
"I'm sorry if I said something wrong while declining your idea of going out but I didn't-"
"You know that you're different right?"
"I'm weird, right? That's what you want to say?" I offered not even slightly offended being familiar with the notions of people around me. I was socially-awkward.
"Look, I said what and you meant what." He said, making me red in embarrassment, "You're like some clay to me. No matter how much you pull and push it is simply bound to mold to your wish. You give me reasons to come close to you."
"Uh-"
It's getting out of my understanding now even if he is implying that I'm too adjustable. All I have learnt by my lingering exposures is that keeping others happy should be the sole aspiration of my life and whenever I intentionally or unintentionally disobeyed the motto, I had to face severe consequences. The punishments were crippling physically, mentally and emotionally. The scars were scathing and horrible.
"You hate adventures?" He went again.
I nodded.
"This will be your first adventure trip and trust me you'll make more such trips and who knows after our marriage we would go for it more often." Aakash said in a dreamy voice brewing a series of strangling hope.
But that's the future we're talking about and it's been unpredictable in my case.
"Here, look at this-" He asked, forwarding his phone displaying some blinding pink dresses. I swiped and looked at the pictures in dilemma, "What are these?"
"My mother was purchasing dresses along with the family. I liked them instantly so I wanted you to wear one of them for our engagement." He spelled, "Pink is the go-to color for women so I ordered one piece for you. Though my mother would ask you for the alterations, I personally thought to tell you beforehand. Make sure you do it when she asks you." He finalized. "And here this-" He forwarded a velvet box, "This is for you as well."
"What's this?"
He pushed it in my hand and probed me to open it. A gasp left my mouth in puzzlement when he spoke, "I was having a chat with your father when he told me that you desire diamonds more than any other jewels-"
"What else did he say?" I asked.
My lips fell in a fraction of seconds hearing him, "He said that you're a diamond lover and you frequently go shopping to buy extravagant ornaments especially nose rings. So, I got you one. I'm sure that you won't change it for years let alone a few days."
An ignorant muffled scream attempted to set free against the will of my conscious mind. The urge to cry out and claw my own heart out because the hollowness it had to experience was nowhere near a physical dent. I realized that apart from being invisible all these years, I had also been living through a prolonged period of deception. The man who told him that I loved sparkling diamonds probably had relapsed an unusual memory that I never wore one. Heck, even the minimum jewelry I had been gifted or bought was either by BadiMa, my grandmother or my friends. And the nosepin, he proudly mentioned to him, with me frequently changing, was never once bought because I never had a nose piercing in my life.
The happiness radiating from me at the start of the day had damaged like a dark sky on a moonless night. I gripped the box harder than I should, feeling a whirlwind of emotions inside me but I had no idea about how to express them all at once.
"I can't keep this." I told him right away.
"But, why?" He frowned.
"This is too expensive." I replied.
"It's alright with me. I'm not asking you to pay for it, Ruchi!" He chuckled.
"I insist, Aakash. Please, do not force me to accept it. Papa told you about my genuine interests but he forgot to notify you that I don't take favors that I'm unable to repay."
His face was clearly morphed into visible annoyance and anger but I couldn't do what he was asking me, not upon my rebelling self-respect which would be crushed if I took his supposed gift.
"I appreciate your efforts, Aakash. Thank You so much for thinking about me and buying me such expensive gifts but please I cannot do this. I can't keep it."
The whistle of the train brought us to attention signaling for it to leave.
"I think I should go. My friends must be looking for me." I pondered handing him the box back and took a few steps back when he called me out again.
"Uh-Ruchi!"
"Yeah!"
"I hope you miss me!" He said, enveloping me into a hug which was widely unexpected and urgent.
I did feel a bit weird about it but couldn't get away aware that I just returned his diamonds. Even if I accepted it, this was just too close for my liking. I would've recoiled if not for my battling will power.
'What is wrong with me?' A part of me chided. I'm going to get engaged to him when I return. Then why this strange convulsion?
I put my arms lightly around him enough to maintain a subtle distance and waited for him to leave me, which he did after a while. I used my chance and marched towards my brother after murmuring a quick bye to Aakash.
"You, okay?" He asked, keeping a hand on my shoulder. He probably saw my exchange with Aakash. I blinked at him, quite stunned to speak a word. "Take care, Baby and keep calling us. And be careful with which monkey you stroll around." Bhai said the last line referring towards Sammy which barely curled my lips up.
Sammy would kill me along with him, if she hears that.
"You also take care Bhai!" I muttered, "And don't worry much about me. I'll be back even before you realize my absence." I hugged him and then boarded the train and in no time the train left the platform.
Aakash might be the sweetest guy I could have got but I still am dubious about everything around me. I still think that I'm not yet ready for any relationship. I was emotionally unavailable which made me unfit for casual dating let alone invest into a normal marriage.
"Aakash is so whipped in your love."
"He was so obvious that he couldn't even take his eyes off you, Baby!!"
"He is obsessed with you!"
"Maybe!" I whispered but I don't feel anything for him at the moment.
Maybe I just like him but trusting him didn't go right with my supraliminal instincts which gravely warned me whenever my to-be-fiancé was anywhere close.
Lots of Love,
ANKITA