He wasn't sure, and so, he told Prapai about himself.
——————
"I'm an orphan who lived on his own most of his life. There were several other kids with me while we grew up together, but we kept our space. I met my fist true friend when I was 17, -that was Rain- and got into college by lots of trial and error. You really have no idea how much I had to do just to get into school."
Sky scoffed gloomily. No matter how understanding Pai was, he could never relate to this.
Sky remembered his horrible childhood hours and the punishments he got whenever he did something his caretakers didn't like. Life after he sneaked into the town library to read, he got locked up in the attic closet for the night, and when they let him out, he was a sobbing mess, because of claustrophobia. He was only 8. Or the time when he had to study day and night, usually with only 3-4 hours of sleep to get into a normal school.
But now that he started talking, Sky realized he couldn't stop. All of this had been piling and piling on top of him, and he finally had a chance to talk it out. He knew he couldn't tell Pai everything, but the fact that somebody at least listened, was so great.
"I studied day and night, - literally. I had to seek knowledge wherever I could, and I mostly had to do that by either stealing books from the orphanage caretakers or trying to solve math assignments left on the streets. I needed to study, and I really wanted my parents to be proud of me, wherever they were or are."
Sky peeked at Prapai, and could not read his face. Though, he could feel that Pai was worried. Sky didn't know why, but he knew Pai was. Immediately he continued.
"I knew that I needed proper education though, so I started collecting money by mowing lawns, painting fences, taking care of others pets, -you know, the usual. Then, I knew I needed much more money, no matter how hard I worked or tried, so I got my first real job at 13. I somehow managed to find a job at a zoo, so in addition to all I mentioned before, I worked there."
Sky paused. He didn't want to make himself pitiful, but really, he needed to talk everything out.
"My caretakers were very angry by my constant disappearances, so they usually punished me by leaving me without food or locking me up in small spaces. When I finally got to school and was able to find a better job, I left the orphanage at sixteen, and found myself a condo that didn't care what age you where as long as you paid."
Sky looked at Prapai again. The other was staring at him, listening carefully to every word. He didn't say anything bad, or interrupt, and it made Sky want to really tell him everything. Everything, as in, everything. About his wings, and about Gun too. But Sky knew he couldn't. Couldn't, shouldn't, wouldn't.
"I hated it there, and when I moved to high school, I worked at a cafe, and managed to move out to here. I work at that cafe still, plus a restaurant, but both are currently closed for renovations. Now, luckily all I have to worry about is schoolwork, but I finished most of it already since I am the top of the class. I studied, my studies payed off. I worked, my work payed off. That's my motto now. Stay low, stay unbothered by anything, and move forward."
Sky finished and looked at Prapai again. The look of worry on his face was back.
"Please do not think of me poorly, P'Prapai. I know my life was not great before my 13 birthday, but I managed to solve problems myself from then on."
"- I, umm." Prapai paused
Sky was starting to get worried now. What if he told the wrong person and now Pai is going to say he doesn't want a person who's childhood was like Sky's.
Then, Pai said:
"How can I think of you poorly? Look at you! I think you are absolutely amazing!"
Sky stared at Pai in disbelief.
What?
Seeing Sky's look Pai chuckled.
"You think I'll judge you poorly by how your past was, but try look at it from my point of view. All I heard was how badly you were treated, and how you didn't give up in pursuit of your dreams. Please correct me if I'm wrong, but you said you are top of the class now?"
Sky nodded, still taking everything Pai said in.
"Look at yourself, Sky!" He said again
"You worked and studied so hard, now you are in one of the best architecture schools in Bangkok, and top of the class! How can I judge you poorly. I repeat, - it's amazing!"
"Really?" Sky mumbled shyly.
"Heck yea!"
"You probably understand that I'm a spoiled child and even though I'm successful in work today its probably only partially my achievement! I've never heard of someone more hardworking. I cherish you."
There was a pause where Sky turned his head away.
Definitely not in embarrassment. Definitely.
"Sky, can I ask you something?"
"Yea.." Sky muttered quietly
"Why did you choose architecture?"
Sky looked back to Prapai, and saw no malice or anger in his eyes. Just understanding and the willingness to help.
Wait- the willingness to help isn't a thing you could see in someone's eyes.
Now Sky was even more confused than before. He felt some of Pai's emotions.
What?
Discarding the thoughts, Sky answered the older male.
"I never had a real home, you see. I know the orphanage was supposed to be a home, or this apartment, for instance, but I've just feel like they are places to stay. I always wanted one."
Sky admitted in embarrassment.
"I, umm, thought that even if I do architecture, I can study other electives as well, but I want to mainly focus on making homes for those who need it."
Sky turned his head away once more. This piece of information he never shared with anyone, so why did he tell it now? To Prapai, for the matter.
Prapai seemed to see Sky's discomfort, and carefully lifted a hand to Sky's chin.
"Don't be ashamed. I think it's a great reason."
He lightly cupped Sky's face, and turned it toward his own.
Sky blinked at him. First confused that Pai found his reason good enough, and second for the physical form of affection.
He gently pulled Sky's face closer, and leaned in himself, until there were only centimeters between them.
Sky stared at those dark brown eyes and felt something inside him stir. Very lightly, but it was still noticeable. This close to Prapai, Sky couldn't deny his breathtaking beauty. His eyes were like two crystals, shining at Sky in an adoring way. His lips were full and bright red, and -oh!- how much Sky wanted to taste them again. He felt the invisible strings pull onto him, inviting him closer. Prapai's sense engulfed him, sucked him in, and want bubbled inside Sky, sinking, drowning him. And yet-
Sky pulled away abruptly.
I can't. He'll hate me if he knew what I am.
The look Prapai gave him as Sky moved back was almost broken-hearted, and Sky hated himself for making Pai that way. Even so, the older seemed to pull himself together and -through a sigh- said:
"I understand."
Sky knew Pai didn't. He wasn't even close to the truth. Sky couldn't tell Pai, though, he never would, no matter how much he wanted to. It was simply better this way. Much more safe for Sky. No heartbreak, no hurt. He was doing the right thing.
Right?
The uncertainty made him angry. Sky knew. He knew this was the right choice, so why did his heart and feelings have to make everything harder? Why? This was correct. Pai was dangerous if he knew even a bit about who Sky really was, so Sky had to - had to - get him out of his life. This had gotten too far. His heart had made a stupid choice again, and Sky was about to fix it.
Yes. This was right. This was right. Was this right?
Again uncertainty. Now Sky really didn't know what to do. So, before he could think better of it, he said:
"P'Pai, please go home." Sky had pleading in his voice, and he didn't know where it came from.
Prapai looked at him, incredulous.
"Sky, but - how can you say this after everything?"
"Nothing happened between us. I don't know where you got the idea."
"What? - But- Sky! I thought you liked my company! And I've been so nice to you! What's wrong? You know you can tell me! Why are you sending me away?"
Sky hated doing this. He truly did. But he needed to be safe. He couldn't make mistakes again. This went too far already.
"Please go, Prapai. I've made up my mind. Don't make this any harder for me..."
Sky pleaded, because -fluff! He just opened up to someone, and now he knew he had to send them away. Why did he tell Pai anyway? Sky's head was a mess, and he couldn't think straight. At times like this, bad thoughts usually came.
Gun was pinning Sky down under him, the knife in his hands once more. The cruel, devilish smirk plastered on his face. The smell of smoke and cigarettes, never leaving Gun's condo no matter how hard you tried getting rid of it. The searing pain of the bloodstained marks that were already on Sky's body. His wings, bend underneath him uncomfortably, and Gun sneering even wider.
Sky knew this was the past...But what if this happened again? What if Pai did try to kill him if he knew?
Gun's face slowly blurred, and instead appeared a familiar one, with astonishingly handsome features.
Prapai was holding a knife to Sky's throat, gently pressing on the skin until the blade was slowly soaked in red. Then, Pai pressed harder, and-
"Sky!"
Sky shook his head wildly, eyes wet once more.
"What's wrong baby?"
Sky looked up, but before he managed to answer he was tightly wrapped up in a pair of large arms. Pai pressed Sky to his chest, and said:
"Do not ever send me away, Sky. I might look like a rich spoiled brat, but I swear, I can take care of you. Please, please let me stay..."
Sky had returned to his senses, and now his mind and heart were fighting a battle that was probably already lost.
Maybe it's because of Prapai's aura -or sense- whatever it was, Sky felt good. Like, actually good. He felt at home in the other man's arms, like he'd never been anywhere else. This sensation was engulfing, drenching, soaking, him in comfort and warmth, and his mind was really stumped.
He admitted it now - he really enjoyed being this close to Prapai. To be cradled like a child in their mothers arms, feeling like you'd be safe forever as long as you stayed. Nobody had done this to Sky. Sky knew he wanted this - a part of other peoples lives that was missing in his.
But did he need it? Was it worth the risk? He loved it, yes. And the invisible strings were tugging his heart forward, toward the other male, but what if all this turned out to be exactly like last time?
Prapai stroked Sky's hair, and Sky wondered wether this man actually had a side like Gun did. The murderous, killer side. It seemed unlikely, but Sky knew better then to trust his own mind now.
He looked at Prapai again and decided...