I stirred awake but didn't bother to open my eyes. My bed was far too comfy and I was savoring the rest after so many late nights with Jamie.
As I laid, a smile formed on my face, remembering slowly the incredible dream I had last night.
I'd had similar ones before and this one was just as heartwarming.
Jamie had a bad dream and was all scared and upset. They came straight to 'Andi' though, so i was able to expertly comfort all their little cries.
It was so vivid, the way their tiny fist clung to my shirt in the cuddles, all those little whines and grunts when I scooped them up into my arms.
Dream cuddles were the best, just pure bliss. I reveled in the memory of the fake encounter till my peaceful lazing was interrupted...
"Hmph"
...by a little snore. A familiar tiny fist pulled my shirt tighter.
My eyes shot open and I very slowly inched my head up to gaze down at the weight I now registered on top of me.
As I forgot to draw any blinds or curtains last night, I had a perfect lighting to accompany what I saw. Jamie, sleeping soundly on top of my chest. One of their hands was clutched around a bit of my shirt. The other keeping June wedged between us while securing Jamie's thumb in their mouth.
They snuffled and snored around the digit, cutely drooling a little in their sleep. My dear old rabbit friend stared at me with her unnaturally deep and soulful eyes.
It hit me that my dream may not have been one at all.
I silently scanned around the room, looking for clues as to whether or not my brain had had a little fun with my memory of last night or not.
For one, Jamie was wearing my old Tenpole Tudor shirt, which did happen in the dream.
However I doubted my minds telling that Jamie was originally wearing a dark blue footed onesie before I changed them. My gaze moving over to a little pile of dirty clothes confirmed this.
Though I couldn't decide what was cuter on Jamie. My way too big t shirt or the imaginary onesie.
I brushed that out of my head and tried to think harder about last night. I hoped to absolutely everything that the cuddles were real. They were so nice.
I looked to Jamies backpack at the end of my bed. I didn't remember that. Why would Jamie pack a bag?
Unless they were trying to... leave
I looked back to the little darling snuggled up in my arms. The one who called me daddy leaving the doctor's..their mind changed so quick. And if they were so anxious to leave then how'd they end up here?
Maybe they went into the fuzzy headspace the doctor mentioned. Would they still be in it when they woke up or would I be left with a very embarrassed or possibly fuming Jam?
The questions plagued me but I appeared to have no more time to ponder as Jamie let out a whine.
They scrunched up their face, huffing and puffing out their cheeks. Doing all sorts of adorable fussing without opening their eyes. They hugged June tighter and nuzzled more into my chest.
They then seemed to realise they were not burrowing into a comfy bed, but a comfy person.
Jamie's whole body tensed and I watched, holding my breath, as they opened their eyes. They slowly lifted their head up and met my gaze.
We stared at eachother for what felt like an eternity, barely even blinking.
The overwhelming urge to break the silence caused me to croak out in my groggy morning(at this point more of a noon) voice.
"Morn-"
I coughed
"Mornin' Jam"
Jamie continued to wordlessly stare at me for a moment. Before they decided they were done, sitting up, climbing off me and slipping off the bed.
"Jamie-"
I started, but they held up their hand, firmly shushing me. June dangled from the other one.
I would've thought Jamie would say something there, but no. We just stayed in the mortifying silence.
The awkwardness was excruciating, clearly for both of us. But Jamie was unwilling to confront what had just happened.
I knew ignoring the subject of last night's events would get us nowhere, but I also didn't want to scare Jamie. So I elected to casually bring us into the topic. I slowly got myself up out of bed and to my feet. But then sat down on the bed, not wanting to tower over the little one.
I chose my words carefully.
"Jam I think it'd great for us both to talk about what's going on. Cause being open and honest is really... cool"
Jamie's face shifted to confusion as I gave two awkward thumbs up. They seemed a little stunned and struggled to hold control of the situation, but couldn't find the right words.
"I- I don't- uh.. I- UGH"
They stomped their foot in frustration, then let out a defeated sigh.
"...Can I have some shorts first. This is demeaning"
I immediately obliged and grabbed Jamie a pair of my own shorts. They slipped them on and fiddled with the drawstring, till it was deamed a waste of time and Jamie just held them up.
I didn't offer to help tie it, feeling Jamie wouldn't appreciate the help.
Now that Jamie had the shorts on, they seemed to have regained their strong sense of confidence, maybe some personal dignity.
I began, pointing to Jamie's backpack at the end of my bed.
"Jamie why'd you pack a bag last night? Do you want to leave?"
Pack really should have been in air quotes as I doubted they'd get very far with 2 pull-ups, a pillow and an astronomy book
Jamie looked at it's spilled content, sighed and very matter of factly informed me.
"So I am.. what I am.."
I quickly interjected, hoping to make the conversation as progressive as possible.
"Werewolf, jam. I'm sorry, just no more vague talk, from either of us I mean"
Jamie took a quick breath rubbed their temples and went on through gritted teeth. I prepared myself for profanity.
"Ok... I'm a werewolf, fucking barely-"
I was a take a little aback by the venom in their tone. Which was eased a little when they saw my worried frown.
"But I mean- I don't want this. You don't want this. So it's better for everyone if I just go"
Jamie said that like it was their only option. I reminded them.
"Jamie I said it to you the first morning you were here. You can stay here as long as you want-"
Jamie cut me off and discounted my point.
"It's different now. Neither of us knew what was wrong with me. You were just doing a really fucking stupid good deed for random kid on the street. Don't try to make me feel special."
I couldn't get a word in to say how I despised that accusation.
Jamie took a pause trying to put more of an argument together in their head.
"Andi you've been really, really nice but it's just the best for us that I go. Me being here is fucking up both of our lives. Simple as that"
"But how jam? Please tell me"
Jamie didn't respond and turned to leave the room but I spoke out.
"Jamie, you need someplace to go. I can't just let you back out there. It's dangerous Bambi"
I knew I was baiting Jamie a little but I needed them to keep talking, I couldn't let them close back off. We were sorting this out now.
They whipped around to me.
"No! You've been cool and stuff but if I stay here anymore I'm gonna start falling into that stupid fuzz. That's what's dangerous!"
Jamie fumbled over their words
"And y-ya know, I never had a problem with it till now. It only started when you showed up!"
I knew that wasn't true, based on what Ben had told me. Jamie was just scrambling for something to say. I did expect the shouting on Jamie's end, so kept calm and collected in responding.
"Jam the doctor-"
"I don't care what the doctor says. I've done fine on my own, I will continue to be fine. Andi I-"
They sounded genuinely apologetic.
"I'm sorry I just can't do it."
Jamie sniffled, their voice cracked a little but they tried to remain strong.
"You've done enough Andi. I will be fine. Please I have to go"
I noted how they said they 'have' to go, instead of want or like.
"You don't have to Jamie. I'm here to support you bambi, no matter what"
Jamie seemed to falter for a moment, looking into my eyes, before shaking their head and fixing their stare to the ground.
"You're just being d-dumb. And even so it doesn't matter cause I'm not gonna regress or whatever it's called. I'm not gonna turn into a baby, I'm gonna go and keep living my life like none of this ever happened. And so should you"
"That's not gonna work Bambi"
Jamie rebuffed me.
"It will. Andi I've already hurt Ben.. please just let me go. I have to Andi... Please-"
It sounded more like they were pleading at this point.
"-You should want this just as much as I do"
Jamie continued to be vague with the reason for their sudden departure. I asked again.
"Why do you keep saying that Jam?"
They snapped their gaze back up to mine. Obviously frustrated by my collected demeanor.
Jamie clenched their fists and screamed.
"I don't want to turn into a fucking baby. And you don't want to be stuck with a fucking baby! So I'm going! WHAT DO YOU NOT GET?!"
Jamie was getting too worked up so I took my turn. I moved towards them, putting my hand on their shoulder and making the same eye contact I did in the doctor's office.
"Jamie please just listen to me now"
I didn't allow room for them to interject, laying out what I needed to say.
"Jamie you need to understand what the doctor said. You will regress, no matter where you are. That is just fact Jamie. There's nothing either of us can do us to stop it"
I saw tears gather in the corners of their eyes. I wiped them away with my thumb as I went on.
"Running away from this will not stop it Jam. When I spoke to Ben in the hospital, he told you've been changing for a while now"
Jamie's mouth gaped but no sound came out.
"And as for what you keep saying. That I shouldn't t want to help you. That I'm being dumb. That it was just a stupid good deed... Here, Jamie I need to show you something"
I stood fully and offered out my hand to Jamie.
"Cause we're gonna be completely honest here"
"cause being open and honest is really cool"
Jamie mumbled without thinking and blushed. I breathily laughed, took their hand and lead them out of my room, down the hall, to the locked door across from their current room.
"Jamie I'm a vampire"
They nodded, waiting anxiously for me to continue.
"I'm 252 years old Jamie"
They nodded again, eyes a little wider.
"And since i moved out of my parents house at around 200.... I knew exactly what I wanted"
I took a key off of the tall door frame and unlocked the door in front of us.
I motioned for Jamie to push the door open and they did. We stepped in and Jamie gasped.
"What the fuck"
The work in progress nursery.
It was the second biggest bedroom next to mine. I stepped across the floor to open up the light window covers. Proper light spilled in and you could actually see everything.
The same old hardwood as the rest of the house, but with a large soft colourful play mat rug in the centre. The wallpaper was floral and peeling off. That walls were always something I planned on doing.
Furniture and baby items was sporadically around. I bought everything slowly over the years, using had a fund that I put part of my paychecks towards.
I had no crib or changing table, those I was still working towards. I tended to get excited by smaller things. Like particularly nice looking toys, or things on sale.
The biggest thing in the room was the large teepee in the corner. I blew a lot on it, but it felt absolutely vital for my vision.
I saw Jamie staring at the tent too, so I knew the purchase wasn't in complete vain.
The old wooden wardrobe, that I believe was almost thrown away by my sister before I took it off her hands, was full of cute clothing I'd found in the sales. I'd always found it fun to pretend I had a little one to shop for.
My sister's kids used to come up here to play whenever they visited. But after they broke one too many things, it was off limits. I would try to go in the room as little as I could, as it used to just make me sad. But I kept it tidy, dusting and making sure what I had stayed in good condition.
Jamie moving into the centre of the room, inspecting all around them. Before they turned back to me with an incredulous look on their face. They wanted answers.
I sat down on the carpet and patted in front of me. Jamie sat down too. June was seated in Jamie's lap like a throne.
"I've always wanted a kid Jamie"
Jamie's ears were burning pink as blush crept up on their cheeks. The room was probably overwhelming, so I did my best to be quick.
I looked around the random furniture items and sighed.
"But because its just me on my own, and my work isn't considered 'consistent', I've never been able to adopt"
Jamie fidgeted in place, unconciously pulling at June's ears as they listened to me.
"Do you know anything about the ways vampires can have kids, Jamie?"
"You kidnap human kids"
I winced at the wording, but couldn't exactly deny it. Jamie recounted
"I've seen it. People I knew from the streets taken by really tall people, few weeks later id see them in a stroller. They never looked happy"
Jamie shivered at the memory and I sighed.
"Thats how some are. Traditionalists, they believe in forced turning. Some think it's justified simply because the child was in a 'worse' situation beforehand. However I think it's a disgusting practise. It's barbaric and is done with no regard for the fledglings feeling or life before.."
"Kinda sounds like the were werewolves biting thing"
Jamie observed and I nodded.
"Thankfully, that is only the minority. Most vampires unable to conceive naturally adopt, either human children or born vampires. It's the same for pretty much all supernatural creatures, just legal average adoption. But it's also rather strict in who they allow. Which I understand of course...."
I trailed off, hiding my annoyance towards my local adoption agency. Bunch of elitist squares.
"So what? Vampires adopt. What does this have to do with me?"
Jamie was growing a little impatient with my long winded explanation so I cut to the chase.
"So vampires, like me, who are unable to adopt by conventional methods. Often turn to the traditional approach, or there's some more, disturbed options. Underground auctions-"
I shook my head, I was getting too off topic.
"I'm sorry that's beside the point. What I'm trying to say is, I could never bring myself to do any of that. But then the night you tried to take my wallet, and you passed out... I felt something"
"Felt.. what?"
Jamie sounded uneasy, they squirmed and hugged June a bit closer. I edged closer to them on the mat.
"I know this sounds insane jam, but when I met you I got a really strong gut feeling, unlike anything I've ever had before. It was like a spark that told me there was something special about you, that I needed you, you needed me"
Jamies eyes widened and I kept going
"I didn't have much of a plan, tried to keep you safe and hoped that at some point down the line, i'd reveal all this to you, and ask you to become my kin"
I tried to gage Jamie's reaction. Their face was in a state of unchanged shock. I tried to assure them
"But i never forced anything Jamie. I wanted you to genuinely want to stay here with me. You being completely comfortable and happy was my top priority. Cause I mean, if you weren't happy what kind of caregiver would I be"
Jamie looked down at June and pulled at her anxiously. I could see their breathing quickening but they fought to stay calm. I added on to what I said.
"I really care about you Jamie, and I feel so horrible that your being forced into regression like this. It's terrible that you have to do this when you don't want to. But-"
Jamie squeezed June tightly, tears dropped down onto the plush brown bunny. I scooched up next to Jamie
"It's going to happen. I am a thousand times more than happy to be there for you as it happens. Jamie I am here, I want to take care of you, I want you to be happy, safe and healthy... As long as your ok with it"
Jamie looked up at me, their rubbed tears from their eyes.
"I don't know what to say."
Their voice quivered.
"Say anything on your mind Jamie"
"It's alot... T-theres alot on my mind"
"Well what's the biggest thing we can talk about now?"
Jamie thought for a moment before settling on saying.
"Can' say"
"Why jam?"
I encouraged, placing a comforting hand on their back.
"I don't want her to hear me"
Millions of question sprung in my mind, but if asked half of them. Jamie would probably close back off. So I stayed simple.
"Who Bambi?"
Jamie looked around nervously and whispered to me. I leaned in to hear.
"The bad wolf in my dreams. She can hear me or see me or something. Sh-she knows where I am. She's can't know what's happening!"
"Ok, ok, she won't Bambi-"
I didn't question further, not wanting to stress Jamie out any more. I struggled to think of a solution till my eyes landed on the corner tent. I thought of how Jamie seemed to like it.
I offered Jamie my hand again.
"Trust me Bambi"
Jamie took my hand and I brought them to their feet, before leading them to the tent.
"In here jam"
Jamie hesitated for a moment before going right in the tent. It being large enough for both of (plus more, it was a good size tent) I climbed in too.
We both sat among the comfy blankets and decorative pillows and Jamie looked to me, desperate for more instructions.
I pulled a string that held up the rolled up door. It unfurled down and shut the tent door. I turned to Jamie.
"No one can see us in here, you can say whatever you need to jam"
I was banking on Jamie's fuzzy side accepting my logic, which they did partially.
"Not enough..."
I looked around the tent and quickly took a blanket out from under us. I threw it over both of us and Jamie looked at me confusedly.
I simply stated
"Double fort. Nothing outside the double fort can get to us. It's just me and you Bambi. You are safe, say what you need to say"
Jamie took a deep breath, fully accepting the double fort and preparing to speak.
"This is all so terrifying, but the bit that scares me the most is...."
They looked down to June for reassurance before looking back to me.
"I'm scared im gonna forget who I am"
Jamie's voice was quiet and despondent. I gave a little 'uh huh' and let them go on
"If...when I regress... I won't be me anymore. I'll be a dumb, empty headed baby. I'll degrade into a shell of what I am.
I actually like myself. I don't wanna change. And what if-"
Jamies breath hitched.
"What if I forget that I'm non binary. Andi you don't know how much I hate the idea of being anything else. If my mind goes to baby mush, I'll forget. I'll go back and I don't want to I don't want to go through it all again!"
Jamie sobbed and I immediately went to hug them, but stopped myself to give Jamie space. They evidently didn't want that space as they moved the self into my lap and forced me to hug.
I held them to my chest and rested my head atop theirs. I responded to their concerns.
"Jamie. I promise you. I will never let you forget who you are. You are Jamie. You are the spunkiest, most radical, incredible person I've ever met. And I won't let you forget that"
I began to rub their back.
"You will never stop being non-binary. Even if you ever forget. I promise you. I will never stop seeing you as non-binary and I will remind you who you are Bambi."
I could feel my pyjama shirt getting wet from Jamie's tears. They shuddered out another sob and blubbered.
"But I won't really be me. I'll be mush!"
I stood firm in my consoling, rocking back and forth as Jamie cried.
"I refuse to let your brilliant mind go to mush
Jamie mumbled through more and more questions, quickly, I could barely catch most of it.
"-Am I gonna forget like big words?- I am gonna forget how to count-"
I cut them off, stopping the ramblings.
I- I don't know Jamie. I honestly don't know. We can ask all our questions when we go back to doctor eggleston"
Jamie sniffled.
I assured them
"We will figure this out bambi. I swear to you, no matter what. I will stick with you and make sure you stay as awesome as you always have been"
Jamie let out a tiny laugh in between cries and I chuckled. The sniffed, pushing up from my chest to look at me.
I smiled they smiled a little too. Finally they asked.
"Is the doctors name really eggleston?"
I nodded
"Perry eggleston"
Jamie giggled and fell back down to my chest
"That is so fuckin dumb"
I sighed. Definitely still Jamie.