Chapter Nineteen: Ship Sets Sail
I'm not sure how it happened, but after that moment in the Gay Alliance office, Sammy became my new best friend.
As kids, he was always my bro. Always there. I was the shy kid, trying to find my place at a new school in fourth grade. Kenny immediately took me under his wing, and Sammy came with him, two for the price of one. They were best buds. Joined at the hip. We hung out after school, but I always knew I was the third wheel. But thankful to be included. Finally finding my own place with them at the end of fifth grade.
On the first day of middle school we met Jeremy. And for me, that was it. He was always cool. Always had an answer. Always had a special something. We were best friends, in the way Kenny and Sammy were. I loved feeling like we were a set. The two of us. We did literally everything together. Did homework together. Afternoon snacks. Bike rides. Normal stupid kid stuff.
Sammy was always there too. Always a part of our four man crew. But although we got along in everything, all of my focus in the past was on Jeremy. He shined so brightly, that everything else seemed in his shadow. He was the strong one. He helped me if I freaked out. Sammy was far less talkative than all of us. He was smart. Sarcastically funny at just the right moment. But kept to himself. Not in an obviously introverted way. He always was very present, always along for all of our adventures, messing more with Kenny. We used his house as home base, mostly because Stella was a bossy bitch, but fun to hang out with. It was cool to share her as our mascot/sister.
I do remember when his mom died, he got really really quiet. Not so laid back quiet. But blank quiet. I remember one day after school, maybe about a month after, when he took apart his bike, out of the blue, with his dad's tools. Saying he'd never ride it again, since she died on hers, hit by a drunk driver.
That day, Kenny and Jeremy weren't there, I don't remember why. I remember being scared because he was so tense I could see the tendons in his arms and his jaw was clenched so hard. But he was completely silent. I desperately wanted to find Stella to beg her to help, but I couldn't leave him alone, even just to go inside the house. I just sat and watched him take apart his bike.
"That was probably dumb, but I don't care," he'd said, after throwing a tire against the closed garage door. I remember I walked up to him. He was standing so still, and I felt so helpless against such scary grief that I couldn't comprehend. But I hugged him from behind, a little hard for me to do, because I'd started to grow and he stayed the same height from when I'd first met him. I couldn't think of anything to say, but I hugged him. And later that night, I helped him put his bike back together.
A few months later, he started learning to do tricks on his bike, and I felt so relieved because in my head, that meant he was happy again. I don't know if he really was, we didn't ever really talk like that, but it seemed like it to me, at the time.
Those few minutes in the garage was probably the most important moment between us that I remember.
Until the Boardwalk Bros. And those random spots of connections we shared. Tying my shoe. The necklace. The sticky note game. When he was sick on Valentine's Day.
And even though I was infatuated with Jeremy during all of those moments, I couldn't help feeling something for Sammy. Fluttery. Comfortably uncomfortable. Arousal. I'm not blind, even though I was deep in denial. I thought, suspected he felt something too. Wasn't completely convinced about his relationship with Alma.
Then...the rainbow bracelet.
I found out that my bro, my friend, had kept his secret far more successfully and for longer than I ever had. But we didn't talk about it. I didn't ask. He didn't say anything more.
I'm not sure why. Maybe..maybe I was too afraid. Maybe he was too.
But.... from that day on, we spent a little bit of every day together. Kenny had Yuri now, and Jeremy was out of the picture, so it was natural for us to hang out. Studying. Eating dinner. Texting. Going for a walk around campus even. Weekends playing board games with Stella and Cody.
It felt so different from spending every waking moment with Jeremy or thinking about Jeremy. Being best friends, I mean. I always felt like Jeremy was the strong one, the "better" one, more in control and more centered than I could ever be. He was like... like a rock and I was the moss that clung to him.
Sammy wasn't like that at all. He was...my bro. Still his usual self. Still surly at times. Sarcastic. But that was just kind of the icing on the cake of his personality. He showed me his caring side. Patiently helping me with my computer classes. Letting me help him with his calculus work. He listened, where Jeremy used to do most of the talking. Like when I shared with him how uncomfortable it made me still living on the same floor as Mike. I listened to him. Like when he was frustrated that his Humanities professor wouldn't let him do his end of the term project on Eugenie Clark, famous scientist, and a look at a variety of perspectives concerning sharks as seen throughout key moments in history. She told Sammy the topic was too broad and too complicated for a three week project, and forced him to "dumb it down", when he'd already done a bulk of the work.
I felt... good, being around him. It was easy. It felt natural.
It was nice.
===
Stella: Hey!! Cody and I are celebrating the first days of summer with a trip to Malibu. Camping on the beach! Surfing! Cheap eats like barbecued hot dogs and bag salad. You guys in?
Yuri: Oooooo I wish I could. Kenny and I are working at a summer robotics camp for kids on campus. It starts literally the day after school's out! Can you switch to another time?
Cody: Nope. Reservations book a year in advance.
Kenny: Sucks! Have fun without us.
Stella: Booger Brother of mine? Jimmy?
Jimmy: Sure. Okay.
Sammy: Me too.
Cody: Perfect. Our site allows two tents, so that checks out.
Jimmy: Oh. sure. Okay. I have my old tent we can use if you want, Sammy.
Sammy: Ok. sure. Ok. Fine.
Stella: We're going to have the best time. Oh! Sorry Robot Rejects!
Kenny: Post a ton on your Insta so we can see what we're missing.
Cody: Will do!
===
I lay back on my sleeping bag, feeling the sand under the tent floor sag and shift under me.
"This is weird, right?" I asked Sammy. He sat up a little and frowned.
"What's weird?" Why the fuck did he sound so upset?
"The sand. Sleeping on the sand. It's like a waterbed, or something. It feels weird."
He laughed. "Oh. Yeah. I thought you meant something else. I like the way the sand feels. It's cozy. To me. Feels good on my back. Way better than if we were sleeping on the hard ground."
"I guess. I'm fine. Just randomly complaining." Putting my hands behind my head, looking up at the red nylon ceiling.
"You're allowed," he teased.
I turned towards him, on my side. He looked so freaking ... cute...I guess. His red hoodie and black and red lumberjack flannel pajamas pajamas, the string from his hoodie in between his full lips, chewing on the plastic at the end. He looked so...relaxed, content. Open. Happy.
I couldn't stop grinning.
"You had fun today, huh?" He glanced to the side, his eyes crinkling as he smiled, matching mine.
"What a great fucking day!! I mean, I got so much better at surfing! You saw right, you saw? Cody said I'd improved so much even from just this morning. And that one wave. I totally mastered that shit. You saw right?
"I saw Jimmy. You are the queen of the waves." He grinned some more.
"Fuck you! Asswipe. You're the fucking queen of the sits on my board bobbing up and down doing nothing."
He shrugged, completely unbothered. "Yup."
"You should smile more often, Sammy. You look less like a snarky git and more like a human boy with actual emotions." I knew I could mess with him. He never minded anymore.
"Make me." He said blandly, wiping the smile off his face.
I took that as my cue to pounce on top of him, pinching, tickling, squeezing every inch of him. He bucked and thrashed snorting with laughter, which again, amazing. Never thinking I'd hear him so loose and silly.
"Oh my god, get off!! Get off, you whore!!!" he yelled, tears streaming down his face.
From outside the tent, Cody yelled. "No means no, Jimmy!!!"
Stella added, "Do I need to separate you two?"
I rolled back onto my sleeping bag, giving them both the finger, though of course it was pointless because they were in another tent.
"This is so great. I'm having so much fun." I repeated. I flicked his forehead before he could get up his hands to block me.
Still laughing quietly, his golden eyes shining, I reached across the space between us, and wiped the tears off his face with my thumb.
"Aww little babies crying. Doesn't like to be tickled." I said in a sad boy voice. He rolled those beautiful eyes and took my hand. I expected him to pinch hard between the webbing of my pointer finger and my thumb, the way Kenny always did, but he didn't.
He just held my hand, then intertwined our fingers.
Neither of us stopped smiling. Instead, I bit my bottom lip, trying to stifle a hum of satisfaction.
Then he loosened his grasp, and started playing with my bracelet, his finger brushing lightly over the pulse in my wrist.
"How did you know you were gay, Sammy?"
There it was. The question. I decided it was the right moment to start this conversation, and I hoped it ended satisfactorily for both of us. I thought it would. I was pretty confident. His smile told me all I'd hoped might be possible.
"Well, I guess I was like, six? Or something? I was watching Pokémon, and I couldn't keep my eyes off Team Rocket. Stella said it was weird that I liked the bad guys better than Ash and Pikachu, but really I was only looking at James. And his deep sexy voice."
"Oh my god, you are such a dork."
"Come on, Jimmy. We all know your love for Bieber wasn't just his music. So you're a dork too, okay?"
"I guess I can come clean. He's hot right?"
Jimmy shrugged. "Not really my type."
"Who's your type? Besides animated characters?" I was pretty interested in his answer.
"Mmmm.... Well, you ever...probably you never have, but there was this movie Stella loved, a really old movie, from like the early 90's. And Christian Bale was in it, you know him, from Batman and American Psycho?"
"Maybe, he's totally old, though, right?"
"He is now, but in this movie he might have been our age, and he was really beautiful. There were these girls and he was their neighbor. I had a crush on him for sure."
"Oh, okay." Kind of disappointed. "What did he look like?"
"Tall, skinny, kind of, dark hair to his chin. A beautiful smile."
"Oh." Not disappointed after all.
"Yeah, well, in real life there was this guy. I couldn't stop looking at him. I watched him, but he never once looked at me. Had no clue about liking guys, even though he liked someone himself. But still, it got pretty old hearing him go on and on and on about how he wanted to fuck girls. It made me want to kind of throw up. But he was so pretty, I tried to just think of the other stuff, when he wasn't so brainwashed by what he thought he was supposed to say and want. The stuff where he showed he was an amazing human being, thoughtful and fun. A nice guy."
I wondered if someone was allowed to feel this happy.
"When did you start liking him?"
"The first time I met him. I couldn't look away," He trailed off and rested his hands behind his head. His face pink.
"Sammy?"
"What, Jimmy?"
"When we get home, would you like to go out with me? On a date?"
He turned over again on his side. And we had a silent conversation as he ran his thumb over my lips. Should we really do this? What about our friendship? Was it really over with Jeremy? Was this really a smart idea?
But even though we didn't say a single word, we both knew.
I kissed his thumb.
"Okay, Jimmy. I think that sounds very... nice."
===
Author's Note: Sticky sweet.