Seb? Seb Johan... likes me?
There's no way on earth that's possible. My brain gave so many reason as to it's literally impractical and unthinkable: first, we're both men! How many time have I seen couples that are both genders, huh? None! Second, we're in the same band! How could he allow himself to turn like that when we're just supposed to be bros for life?
So many things ran inside my head... so many absurd inclinations have been made but... but the emotion I'm expecting to process didn't arrive. Instead, my heart swells and up till now, it makes me tear up. Not because of anguish, but joy.
I've been staring at myself for so long now that... that my face don't register to my head anymore. This face... this human being... this breathing primate that's starimg back at me... caught Seb's eye and had fallen for him?
Ilang beses ko nang tinanong sa sarili iyon but all I'm getting was the same: still questioning myself why.
It's been two days since... since he caught Vincent and I in the office, unfortunately, kissing each other. I had a bad feeling already to bring Vincent in there and if I just heed to that, this wouldn't happen... Hindi sana kami nagkasakitan... nagka-iyakan at nagka-aminan.
But I'm torn about it. A part of me abhors Vincent for pulling that stunt joke that completely puts my existence in danger if somebody walked in and witnessed us in that position! Yet if he didn't do that... and Seb hasn't found us like... like a couple who's doing normal things...
Seb wouldn't confess and let me know what he really feels.
Goddamn. Halos nagpagulong-gulong ako sa kama dahil hindi ko maintindihan ang sarili. Dapat... dapat magalit ako nang malaman ko iyon yet I cannot bring myself to upset someone who's clearly and freshly just admitted he adores me! Dapat pinigilan ko na siya kaagad at sabihin na itapon sa malayo ang nararamdaman dahil wala siyang mapapala pero...
Hindi, eh... Sa totoo nga... nabawasan pa ang bigat ng dibdib ko. I was astounded when he confided me with that but I remember how... how I almost floated from happiness when he became so vulnerable and honest in front of me. The fact I've never seen him cry and that straightforward? There's enough reason I should believe it's just bluff but no...
If there's one thing Seb needs to do in this life, it is to lie.
And I don't think he did that; I've felt his heart joined mine as soon as those words left his mouth and I heard a sound that felt like a missing piece finally completed me.
Though... we're still not talking up till now. Seb left after confessing... embarrassed or hurt... I don't know... But I want to give him time... Because I need time to process what the fuck just happened.
Vincent: I'm willing to compensate.
Mabilis akong nagtipa nang makita iyon. "Fuck off. You put me in a lion's cage. I wouldn't talk to you for months if he tells anyone."
Hindi ko na sana papansinin iyon dahil noong isang araw pa siya humihingi ng sorry. See, after Seb left, I left the building, too. Si Vincent ang may kotse nang pumunta kami room but I took a cab to escape him. Still feeling drunk with the confession, the escape I've made was all because of fear and regret that off all people who could see us there... why Seb?
And I wonder what he's thinking now... He mentioned so many times he wouldn't tell anyone and I believed him for that pero... Fuck... It took a while to abate the elation I've felt and got replaced quickly by how he'd perceive what he'd just witness.
Yes... He may had confessed he liked me but probably in his mind now... It's worthless because... I've kissed someone else!
If only... If only I've got the courage to hit him up and clear things out...
My phone ringed but I ignored it. Seb always has this ways to sway people to like him and I need to do that to show my earnest apology of what happened. Aside from that, I have to compose a whole elucidation of what had transpired between Vincent and I para... para hindi siya mag-isip ng kung ano...
Before we leave for Seoul show, we have time to spend the holidays with our family. All three of them went home, so did I. And it's not a great experience. I mean... nothing new. We're just gonna have some dinner and that's all. That's literally what happened last Christmas and the giving away the gifts was another lackluster move.
For New Year, sadly (as they say), they wouldn't be able to spend it with me. Their assets in New York completely needing their personal works and they left immediately after Christmas Eve. Now, I'm left all alone with the other maids and staff around the house.
Pagkababa ko, tahimik ang bahay at may lumabas na isang maid at naglinis ng sala. An urge rose in my chest but I fought it off. How are they not finding it boring to clean a house that's not always in use?
Manang is in the kitchen and asked if I need something. "Gutom ka ba, hijo? Parang madilim ang ilalim ng mata mo, ah! Inumin, gusto mo?"
Her bubbly attitude was the only, I think, reason why this house is still operating. She grew a little more and old but still wearing the same white apron on her big chest and stomach. "I want... to do something, Manang. May gusto akong... lutuan at bigyan."
"Oh... Ikaw magluluto?" tumango ako. "Sige ba! Pero... baka wala tayong mga rekado na kakailanganin mo." she checked the pantry and glimped at me, "Ano bang lulutuin mo, hijo?"
"Ano ho bang maganda pang-handa sa New Year?"
"Marami!" and she elaborated dishes and desserts that I can make. "Kung marami ang gusto mong gawin, puwede kitang samahan, anak."
"That's a nice suggestion," bulong ko at lumapit sa counter. "Can you... guide me along with it? I want to learn how to do this..."
Although Seb already taught me some... I looked down on the scar I had on my arm after cutting myself out of frustration. No... I didn't slash myself but just cut it with a knife noong sinubukan kong gumawa ng peace offering. It didn't went well and doble pa noong wala siyang pakialam.
And... now it got me thinking if he's acting weird these past few months... How the hell he's fallen for me?
Buong araw kaming nasa kusina lang. They have plans to cook for the media noche pero sinabi ko na hindi ako roon magce-celebrate. The announcement makes her mundane, so it did to me pero ganoon talaga... This isn't my home anymore... where I'll be celebrating New Year is where my home is...
Before the last day of this year, I spent the remaining time buying gifts for them. Not only to Seb, but to everyone in the company. Nag-away pa kami ng sarili ko kung paano ko pasasalamatan 'yung mga tao behind the tour and but...
I've talked to Keith and asked if he knows anong perfume na gamit ni Seb. I even described it kahit na iisang scent lang gamit nito sa nakaraang buwan and bought it for him. Hinulaan ko na may mga kasama siya sa bahay nila pero okay na siguro 'yung mga handa...
"Mag-ingat ka, hijo, ah!" said Manang as we put the bags in the back of my car. "Nabanggit sa akin ng mommy mo na lalabas na naman kayo ng bansa para sa banda n'yo!"
"Tama po..."
"Lagi kayong magdasal para safe kayo sa paglipad n'yo ha?" pinisil niya ang balikat ko. "Oo, matanda ka na, hijo pero..."
Napangiti na lang ako nang maliit. "I will keep that in mind, Manang."
If it were not up for her tearing up, I wouldn't pull her for a hug. But when she hugged me back, I made that hug a communication of my gratitude for her works with me this holiday. For teaching me the basics of cooking and keeping me humble...
Mabilis din akong umakyat sa kotse at nagpaalam na. "I'll call my parents this midnight!" paalam ko at lumayag na.
It's odd to see how lively the community is today. Parang lahat ay nasa labas at kahit hindi magkalapit, you can see from their faces the excitement and adrenaline about what's gonna happen in a few hours. Even the kids are playing with firecrackers already and though my windows amplified it, the sounds of it brings a lot of memories.
Malayo ang inuwian ni Seb so I dressed comfortably for the drive, but at the same time, just enough to not make me look like I didn't think this through. The bags behind me are still intact and I hope mainit pa sila kapag nakarating na ako.
Norwyn didn't beat around the bush and sent me the address and I have high hopes na hindi niya sinabi kay Seb na roon ang tulak ko. While driving, I've thought of the time I learned Seb went to our house before he found us in the building.
What was he doing there? And... and how did he know about the location?
The questions I have for him are stacking on each other I cannot stop myself from feeling giddy and impatient as to have them finally answered. Not to mention the itch of letting Seb know I'm coming over?
His Subaru was enough for me to not ask some people out the street kung saan ang bahay nila. It's parked inside the wide frontyard and the first though that registered after seeing their house: ancient.
I don't want to be a judgemental, as I was, today but... a smile crept on my lips. It's not as bad as it looks like but... why? For someone like Seb who's earning equally as me...
The house is all made up from woods. The front is designed like the usual bahay kubo style but it has a small space between the door where two rocking chairs are swinging a little. There's certainly another floor because of rectangular windows above and... and... wow.
But the thought quickly vanished at hinanap ko kaagad si Seb sa paligid. Unlike the other houses na may mga nakatambay sa harap at naglalarong mga bata, theirs was silent and... wala bang tao sa loob?
I almost reach for my phone when some kids went in front of my car and started touching it. I didn't mean to startle them by pressing the horn but I did and I received two effects from it! Before they run away, they slam it a little hard but the sound caught someone's attention inside the house and...
Aware ako na hindi nila ako nakikita sa loob but two ladies are studying the parked car in front. Wearing only simple blouses and shorts short, a part of me recognized a small portion of Seb's face in their faces. Nakahinga ako nang maluwag nang makita sila.
Agad-agad akong lumabas bago pa sila makaisip nang masama. Their creased forehead and hush talks completely replaced by winced and scream upon seeing me. Para silang nakakita ng artista at hindi alam ang gagawin.
For a while, I thought my blue cardigan and loose cream pants that made them lose their minds but... "Oh my! Si Marco 'yan! Kasa-kasama ni Kuya Seb sa banda!" sigaw ng naka kulay pula na blouse
Hindi ko na maintindihan ang hiyawan nila but I waved nervously. "Hello! Nandiyan ba... si Seb??"
Their giggles didn't stop until they reached the gate that was between us. Pareho nila akong tiningnan sa ulo hanggang sa sapatos na parang hindi makapaniwala sa nakikita. I'm accustomed to this but... "I'm Marco, Seb's bandmate. You're his family? Nice to meet you!" I gleefully said.
Inabot ko ang isang kamay but dalawa pala dapat dahil nagtalo pa sila. "Kuya Marco! Oh, my... Ikaw ba talaga 'yan?"
"One and only..." I giggled too. "Merry Christmas and Happy New Year pala."
"Pasok ka, kuya! Mainit!" after opening the gate, I shake my head for a while. That deflated them a little bit. "Bakit po?"
"I have something for you, guys. Can you help me out?"
In the end, they were nice to go along with. Siguro nature lang ng mga babae na hyper at hindi alam ang gagawin kapag nakakita ng sobrang guwapo na tao na kakikiligan nila. "Ang dami mo naman pong dala! Birthday n'yo po ba? Wala pong sinabi si Kuya Seb sa amin!"
I just gave them a tepid smile. They're carrying the bags that contain all the food while I have the desserts and the personal gift I have for him. "Where is he anyway?"
Binaba muna namin sa labas ng entrance ang ilan. The floor is made from wood and one can attest that it's old but still looking durable. "May pinuntahan po saglit. Nagdala ng pagkain sa mga kaibigan niya."
"He's really a nice guy, huh?" I answered, impressed.
"Sobra pa po sa sobra." kilig na sagot sa akin ng isa. "Sa sobrang bait, imposibleng wala pa pong nagkakagusto! Inaasar nga ho namin na bakit parang wala kayong nakakasama na babae na puwede niyang ligawan, eh?"
"Why? He's looking for some?" nawala saglit ang ngiti ko
Sabay silang mariin na umiling. "Wala nga po atang balak, eh."
My grin returned. Immediately, my head thought about Hanni but... there's no way they're dating. I mean... Hanni's much younger than us. "He has his own reason, maybe... We're a little busy din next year..."
They shrugged their shoulders. Parang hindi nabanggit ni Seb na may kasama siyang dalawang hyper na mga bata sa bahay nila? Or maybe he did, I wasn't just listening that time...
"Is he gonna take long?" sumulyap ako sa relo. "No rush pero... Baka lumamig 'yung pagkain..."
"Puwede naman pong initin uli! Salamat po uli, ah! Pasok po muna kayo habang naghihintay sa pag-uwi niya!"
Well, I guess I can't refuse that offer?
As they open the door for me, I took that as a chance to see what household Seb grew up with. They are still chattering but I felt like I was brought back in time because of how old-fashioned it is. Everything is made from wood: the polished floor, the walls that bear a lot of pictures in frames, even the ceilings are probably done from bamboo sticks.
The living room is what you'll immediately see from your right as you enter. The kitchen is on the left and a huge and tall table, where they put all the bags, are situated in the middle. May hagdan din sa bukana ng sala at agad kong napansin 'yung dalawang rocking chairs na may matatanda at nanonood sa TV.
Kuwarto siguro 'yung nasa likod ng kinalalagyan ng TV. Nevertheless, my eyes lingered to the two but the old man is sleeping in his shoulders while the other is crocheting or what while watching the TV.
"Kayong lima lang ang magkakasama?" I guessed and peered at them.
"Ah, opo." answered the red one. "Kami lang naman po ang magkaka-anak dito, eh. Pero masaya naman po."
Lumapit ako sa kanila at binigay 'yung desserts. Even with Christmas already ended, may mga decorations pa rin sila sa kisame, sa pader, at kumikinang pa rin 'yung Christmas Tree roon sa sala.
"Grandparents?" senyas ko sa dalawa.
"Yes po. Gusto n'yo pong makilala?" sumulyap 'yung isa. "Si Lola lang po ata ang gising..."
"Mukhang busy, mamaya na—" but they are already pulling me closer to them.
True enough, their lolo is sleeping but the focus of the other is on us. Nakatingala ito sa amin pero puno ng pagtataka ang binabato sa akin.
"Lola," the other kneeled before her chair. "May bisita ho! Si Kuya Marco! Kaibigan ni Kuya Seb!"
She glanced at me with those wrinkly and foggy eyes. For a moment, I wish I could be that app where you can foresee what you'd look like when you're old or young in just one click. Knowing Seb, if he's got that good looks, I knew he got it from her. So I didn't mind the lines and the frailty of her body, I kneel before her and asked for a mano.
"Maganda hong tanghali, lola." ngiti ko. "Nababanggit ho ba kami ng apo ninyo?" lahat kami natawa. "Marco nga po pala... Matagal na po kami magkakilalang dalawa ni Seb."
We wait for reaction to sink in but the lines formed a little deeper. Nagkatinginan kaming tatlo bago umalis 'yung isa at bumalik na may hawak na frame. My heart melted when I saw a picture of the band in that's being displayed in this household.
"Ako ho ito, lola." sabay turo sa sarili. Seb's the one beside me in the picture and we looked still the same. Only mature; ang tagal na rin nito, eh. "Marco po..."
She grabs it from me and caress it, as if the picture will bring back memories. And it did! "Marco, hijo? Nababanggit ka nga ng apo ko..."
We drew a heavy breath. "Mabuti naman ho nakilala n'yo ako." Sabay halakhak. Binati ko siya ng Merry Christmas at Happy New Year at tuwang-tuwa naman ito.
The other gave me a chair so I can chat with her while they fix the foods I've brought. "Tumatanda na ako, hijo... Buti nakita na kita..."
"Wala pong ganoon... Mahaba pa po ang panahon..."
She smiled a little, "Sa aming matatanda... maikli na, apo."
The grating and trembling voice of hers was enough to make a mockery of what I'm saying. But valid ba na iba ang sabihin ko? "Malakas pa naman ho kayo, 'la. Kita n'yo po, oh! Nagtatahi pa kayo!"
Hinawakan ko 'yung nasa duster niya at tiningan iyon. I can't make it out if it's a scarf or a panyo dahil mukhang kasisimula lang niya pero... "Gusto mo gawan kita, hijo? Naku... wala ata si Seb na apo ko ngayon..."
"Kuwentuhan n'yo na lang po ako kung ano si Seb noong bata siya... Panonoorin at pakikinggan ko kayo ngayon..."
Hindi ko batid if she managed to understand what I asked her but... but I guessed that hearing her grandson's name was enough to trigger the memories she has with Seb as a kid.
Nagsimula siya magkwento sa part na walang kapatid si Seb noong pinanganak siya. Again, malakas ang loob ko na kinwento na niya mismo sa amin ang buhay niya but hindi ko lang maalala... So when I heard that his mother died because of childbirth, and probably complications because she's diagnosed with cancer before she got pregnant... nanlumo ako saglit. "Iyong ama niya? Naku... Hindi namin mawari kung bakit... bakit kailangan niyang lumaki na walang ama at ina kahit bata pa lang."
She didn't get into the cause of Seb's father passing but I wiped the tears on her face. Binalingan ko ng tingin ang dalawa sa kusina at sinabi na okay lang. Lola quickly changed the subject and let me know how hyper, playful, stubborn, and hardworking the young Seb was. Bata pa lang daw ay iba na ang energy at kabaitan, namana raw sa nanay niya, at kahit hindi raw nila sinabi nang deretso, batid na niya na hindi sila mayaman.
As the story progresses, hindi lang kaalaman ko tungkol kay Seb ang lumalim at humaba... Even her crocheting is on-going at humaba na nang husto. "Maraming ganito si Seb, hijo... Kapag umaalis kayo ng Pilipinas, pinapagalitan ko 'yan... kapag hindi ko nakikita o alam na wala siyang ginawa kong panangga para sa lamig."
I just smiled.
Buong akala ko... I'd find it boring to hear someone's life being narrated pero... nagising na 'yung lolo nila at kahit mahina lang ang boses, mukhang nagulat ito sa tulog.
Like what I did to her, nagpakilala ako sa kaniya. It took him a glance of the picture to recognize me and pull me for a hug. "Kaylaking bata! May asawa ka na ba, hijo? Itong si Seb-seb namin ay mukhang wala nang balak!"
Napailing na lamang ako. "Huwag mong pagalitan ang bata..." saway ng lola.
"E... e nawawala na sa kalendaryo ang apo natin, eh!" wagayway nito sa kamay ko. "Kaysa naman pilitin natin 'yung dalawa e bata pa lang iyong mga iyon!"
Napairap na lang kaming dalawa. The next minutes, he's asking me to arrange Seb to some dates para naman daw magka-interes daw ito sa pag-aasawa. Kahit ilang beses siyang sawayin ng asawa, bumubulong pa rin ito.
I admit it: it's making me uncomfortable. Not with the bond we're having but... hello... your grandson just confessed he likes me so why would someone he likes will set him up with others? Oh, God... Where did you get that thought, Perez?
He asked for food dahil nagugutom na raw siya. I also learned that despite his strong grip on my arm, he can't hold his spoon and fork properly anymore. "Alam mo na... tumatanda, hijo."
"No problem po."
Akmang kukuha na ako sa dalawa ng pagkain at saktong pagtayo ko, biglang may nagcrack. If only I could see the shock filled in my face when I heard it and... saw the crack on the floor dahil sa bigat ko sa upuan...
I immediately apologized to them at doon sa dalawang bata. Ready na sana akong mapagalitan dahil sinong bisita ang maninira ng bahay ng iba? But they're very understanding at naintindihan nila na talagang madali nang masira ang mga bagay.
Even if they accepted my apology, nanginginig pa rin ako na dinala 'yung pansit sa kanila. I told them I cooked it for them, as to mitigate the fear and embarrassment I have in my chest, at buti na lang ay nawala rin iyon kaagad.
Kasalukuyan kong sinusubuan si lolo nang mapansin na halos magha-hapon na. Is that how long we're having fun reminiscing here? The two went towards us at nagpaalam kung puwede ba silang lumabas saglit para manood ng mga nagpapaputok.
"Huwag kayong hahawak ng paputok, ha! Malilintikan kayo sa akin!" paalala ng lola sa kanila.
They just grunt at her. "Opo! Kuya... okay lang?"
Binaba ko sa mahabang armrest ng rocking chair ang plato at humugot ng pera sa wallet. "Bili kayo ng meryenda habang wala pang media noche, ha?"
Yet my wink told them otherwise. Napatalon sila sa tuwa at paulit-ulit na nagpasalamat. "That's nothing. Ako muna bahala rito. Mukhang napasarap sa kuwentuhan si Seb sa pinuntahan niya, ah?"
After telling them to still take care handling firecrackers, bumalik ako sa pag-aalaga sa dalawa. It's hard... you know, hindi na sila kagaya ng ka-edad namin ni Seb na madaling pakiusapan but... maybe the fact that I didn't grow up with anyone... this feels liberating and... fun.
Kung laging wala ang magulang ko, how is it different with growing up with their parents? I rarely visit them anymore... I don't think they even knew me so...
After they ate, inayos ko ang puwesto nila. The room in front of them belongs to them at tinanong ko kung gusto na ba nila pumunta roon; they refused. I left them there for a while, went outside to find out it's almost dark, then washed all the chores that's been used.
Where did that kid... go? And why is he taking so long? Are those ladies just lying to me? Baka naman hindi iyon dito magnew-New Year? The chores wasn't hard but nabasa ang suot ko kaya habang nagpapatuyo, naglibot muna ako sa loob.
Most specifically, I peruse those beautiful pictures hanging on their walls. Some of them are from Seb's grandparents: their young lives, their wedding, and some solo pictures. Nasa sala ko natagpuan 'yung mga pictures ni Seb and it's my first time to see him as a young child... he doesn't have any hair from these!
Yet those smiles... the bright smile that not even an old camera can lessen down, it's still there... Seb's smile now is still the same... It makes me wonder that even after everything that had happened while he's growing up... sa anong paraan siya nakahanap ng dahilan para maging masaya pa rin?
If our lives were to put aside and compare... his was the hardest. He went through almost everything. Paid dues by working early. Went to school then work afterwards. I think he's done everything... just to earn a single penny and support the remaining family he has!
This only shows how I was so immersed with myself and my hardships that I failed to learn some had it harder than me.
Binaba ko 'yung mga frames niya at nilibot ang tingin. An urge to go upstairs rose in my throat but... no way. Kung kuwarto man niya ang nasa taas, there's still no permission for I to go there.
It's getting late already but... Nawili ako saglit na manood sa labas dahil marami nang naglalaro ng paputok. I almost fret for my car pero sa malayo naman sila nagpapaputok. The two complained about the noise kaya sinara ko muna iyon.
Kaunti na lang... I will text Seb already... What's taking him so long? Does he know I'm here? Did those two say it? Hinihintay na lang ba niya ako umalis bago siya dumating?
Mukhang may handa pa silang natira at ang mga dinala ko ay nasa mga plato na. Covered by a pink plastic food cover, tiningan ko at baka nilanggam iyon. Thank God, it didn't.
Lalabas na sana ako uli nang maramdaman ko ang maduming kamay. I ran it over the running, noisy water at siguro... siguro 'yun ang dahilan paanong hindi ko narinig 'yung pintuan na bumukas. That's probably why I didn't hear steps coming in and the voice that greeted the two.
I froze in my position. "Ah... Granma, kaninong kotse 'yung nasa labas? It's familiar..."
Even that fucking voice is familiar! He's home... Seb's finally went home...
Pinisil ko ang parehong palad. I'm waiting for a reply... "Amoy pawis ka, hijo! Maligo ka nga!" dinig kong sagot ng lola. Napangisi at natawa ako roon and fuck...
"Hyung?" the surprise in his tone was enough to make me face him.
My eyes went to his body and those... God, it only registered to me how big those arms and biceps are... Holding the strap of his bag, he's only wearing a navy blue jersey with his surname and 14 on the back. Mahaba na ang buhok niya kaya medyo natatakpan ang mata niya.
"Saan ka ba galing?!"
"Nagkayayaan ng laro, 'la." He replied without breaking our stares. "Hyung... Kanina ka pa?"
What I did next isn't the answer he's needing but I floated after chuckling. "Hi? Sorry for coming uninvited but..."
***
Two hours before 12, I sat on the rocking chair outside their house and stare at the dark skies above us. Well, it's not really dark dahil marami nang kwitis na lumilipad at pumuputok sa ibabaw naming lahat. It reeks with powder but the cold breeze managed to make me stay there for a while.
Have I ever thought about what am I gonna do next year? I don't know... For me, it's just another new year and still the same... Aside from looking forward in performing in so many countries, a part of me is very much looking forward to the part where I won't be really alone when that journey starts...
Fishing my phone out, I composed a message to my parents and wished them a Happy New Year, kahit advance pa lang. Mom immediately replied with a selfie of them with the Empire State building behind them. "Wish you were here, anak!" I read off of her message and just sniggered.
"Kape?"
Looking up, Seb really changed his clothes and he smells like a baby again. He wasn't really smelly when he came home but you know...
"Thanks." Sabay kuha ng inaalok. Bigla siyang umalis at nawala ang ngiti ko but... kumuha lang siya ng upuan sa loob at tumabi sa akin. "Uh... this is your house, shall we change our chairs?"
Seb grabbed the small wooden chair but he shakes his head. "Okay lang. Be comfortable there, hyung."
Thankfully, it's already dark and there's not much light illuminating us from the inside: he won't see me flushing red. "That's weird. You stopped calling me like that these past few weeks."
The coffee is still hot and it's sweet. Recalling the time I first heard him say my name brought bitter memories. That's when I saw him sa building at bagong gupit siya, right? Sumulyao ako sa kamay na magaling na but still...
"I still don't know what to say..." he whimpered and bowed a little.
"Then don't say something for a while." I assured him.
True enough, hinayaan ko siya na hindi magsalita. Kahit na ilang oras na noong nakarating siya at... God. Next time, I'll arrange a sport tournament between us just to see him in a varsity uniform.
Nakalahati ko na 'yung kape nang may fireworks na sumabog. Ranging from green, red, and yellow, I grinned while watching those. "You always here when holidays come?"
"Hmm."
"Not surprising." ngisi ko at sumandal sa upuan. "Hindi ba pinagbabawal na ang mga paputok? But look... If you kill what brings happiness, why are they worried that they're sad afterwards?"
Narinig ko ang halakhak niya. "This is the first time that I felt I'm home."
"Akala ko ba... magkakasama kayo ng parents mo, hyung?"
I told him about their matters and even with no words spoken, the disappointment is palpable in the air. "Sanay na ako, don't worry. And... our home doesn't feel like a home when there's times like this..."
"Walang nagpa-paputok sa subdivision ninyo?"
"Only a few. If you were to ask me... Mas gusto ko mag-celebrate sa mga ganitong lugar... Masaya, maraming tao, buhay na buhay..."
"Well... I'm glad hindi ka sumama sa kanila sa New York, then?" tawa nito. "Uhm... About... about what you're saying earlier... I don't think you're taking so much space... You're welcome to come here any time."
"After what I did?"
Seb bit his lips for a minute. "I've forgiven you for that, hyung. Wala na sa akin 'yun."
Saglit akong napapilit na ngiti. "If you're thinking that... Vincent and I are..."
Mabilis siyang umiling. "You don't need to explain, hyung... Promise, it wouldn't hu—"
"Sa paulit-ulit mong pangako na 'yan, mas lalo akong nenerbyosin na ipagkakalat mo 'yun." napaayos ako ng upo at hindi maalis ang ngiti sa labi. "That's not what I want you to do or think..."
"Then... ano?"
"I have no feelings for Vincent, Seb. That kiss... was nothing. He's just joking around..."
"So you're saying you two are friends?"
Matagal akong nag-isip. "Maybe?"
He scoffs, "Hyung, kaibigan ang unang turing ko sa'yo but did you ever come across me trying to kiss you as a joke?"
"Well... Magkaiba kayo ng lakas ng loob no Vincent so..."
Kumunot ang noo nito at nag-iwas ng tingin. Ito naman! Is he peeved that much already! "Vincent's apologetic about it already. He admits it's stupid of him to do it in a place where it would largely hold against me once someone saw us. Seb, sorry... Sorry if I made you that uncomfortable..."
"Matatapos na ang taon, hyung... Wala iyon."
But as he sips his coffee while holding it with his left hand, his protruding veins told me otherwise. Goddamn... Is this how a Seb Johann Monterubio gets jealous?
"Bakit parang galit ka pa?"
"Hindi."
Silence engulfed us and the more he sulk, the more I find it amusing. I point at his shoulders and he irritability deflected it. "Masakit pa braso ko sa laro, hyung. Please."
"Really? Or you're unconsciously jealous?"
Nanlaki ang mata niya sa akin. "Bakit naman ako magseselos?!"
Instead of answering, I just kept laughing. I cannot point out if my laughter appeased or irritated him a little more but when he held the rocking chair to stop it from moving, I finally stopped.
"Pumunta ka lang ba rito para ipaalala sa akin kung anong nangyari noon?"
"Nope."
"Then why?" slowly, but surely, his eyes softened and I saw vulnerability in it. "Hyung, kung ba-basted-in mo ako ngayong magba-Bagong Taon, kahit hindi pa ako nanliligaw, puwedeng sa susunod na araw na lang?"
"Come on... Why are you thinking like that?"
"Because I don't know the reason why you're here!" sipat nito. "Sa totoo lang, I don't want to see you yet, hyung. Iniisip ko pa lang na umamin ako sa'yo noong araw na 'yon, lusaw na lusaw na ako. Oo, sa tuwa, puwede pa. Pero... pero... mali, eh. Hindi ba dapat pinapagalitan mo na ako kung bakit ko nasabi 'yon? Bakit..."
I watch him put down the mug and mess with his hair. Seeing him get frustrated send shivers in my spine and kahit magmaang-maangan pa ako, my heart went feral and I'm absolutely cutting up my face with a smile.
"What if I tell you I don't mind it at all?"
"I don't get you."
I clicked my tounge and lean on the chair again. "When you spewed those words, I couldn't believe my ears hearing it personally. I thought I was hallucinating... because of what you're doing these past few weeks... You know... how do you expect me to function well when you're away?"
"I wasn't away, hyung... I'm not..."
"And when I learned that you're having a fantastic time with that girl Hanni? Seb, call me selfish and delusional, but I wanted to gatekeep you because I don't want to see you make someone else smile but me."
For a moment, his eyes twinkled. "T-talaga?"
"Kaya bakit ka biglang magsasabi ng ganoon sa akin? Bakit... bakit after that sweet duet of yours with her sa show natin... not to mention your sweet lyrics and voice sa collab ninyo? Tss. I kinda hated you for allowing numerous emotions process in my head. In my heart."
"Those... Hyung, promise, wala lang iyon. Hanni's brother is someone I know of and he wanted me to help her gain popularity and... and I cannot take that down so I used the opportunity..."
Another shiver rushed in my spine when he reached for my arm. "Patawad kung nasaktan kita sa panahon na akala ko masisiyahan kang wala ako."
Napalunok ako nang mariin. Am I really hearing this from him? From Seb? From my bandmate? From a man like me?
I didn't allow disgust or animosity get into my head and I warmth more when he squeezed our hearts together... "I don't want to say it but... I get jealous seeing you with someone else. Seb... you're making me crazy these past few days and I don't even want you to stop..."
Malaking ngiti ang bumakat sa mukha niya. It feels like I could see some fireworks in his heart and the butterflies in my stomach calmed down and stopped.
"Hyung... I'm so happy..."
"Me too..."
Trusting the the mug won't slip, I hold onto his hand that's on mine and squeezed it. Natawa ako nang yumuko siya roon at naramdaman ko na parang umiiyak siya. "Come on... Parang pinaiyak kita, eh..."
"'Yung puso ko... Hyung, 'yung puso ko..."
"Give me time to catch yours but mine is yours since then, Johann." bulong ko. "Don't break it or maim it... I don't wanna be unhappy again."
Millions of electricity bolted to my nerves when his soft lips pecked on top of my palm. "Pangako, hyung... Bigyan mo lang ako ng pagkakataon bumawi..."
Halakhak na lang ako nang halakhak. Natulala na lang ako sa kawalan at hindi bumitaw sa hawak sa kaniya. Though my arms are sore now but... "So... wala lang kayo talaga ni Vincent?"
"After this, I'll stop what's between us, Johann." pangako ko. "I should've believed him when he admitted you could've liked me from the way you stare at me..."
"Ganoon ba ako ka-in-love?" napangiti niyang tanong. "Kailan niya sinabi?"
"Noong nag-perform tayo sa event nila? Pinapanood ka pala niya and... that..."
It seems like something registered in his head at napailing siya. "I think I've felt jealousy the first time that night, hyung... You looked so happy with him it pains me so hard..."
Napangisi na lamang ako. "You're something better than that man."
Somehow, that pacified him. As silence enveloped us, the more the noise occured around us boomed and fireworks started to cover the dark skies. Napangiti ako dahil totoo ang sinabi ko na... this is the only time I've felt I'm home...
Nothing beats at feeling at home... Especially when that home is right beside you, holding your hands and don't want to let go.
"Do you like me, too, hyung?" Seb asked in a small voice.
Tumango ako. "Kilig ka?"
It surprised me to see him shake his head. "Why?"
"Why do you like me, hyung?" pinatong niya ang baba sa akin. "I'm all ears."
I just brought out my tounge at him. "Alam mo na hindi ako vocal na tao..."
"Kahit isa lang..."
Umirap ako at mukhang hindi niya ito palalagpasin. "You're a nice person. Period."
Seb laughed maniacally but his face is fully red now. "'Yun lang? Ang dami kong sasabihin kapag ako tinanong mo pero..."
"The truth is... I didn't expect to get this attached to... you. I really don't." amin ko. "Maybe when I craved for your care after you stopped? That's the time I felt lose without your importance..."
"Sweet naman... I never knew hyung would be this sweet..." he kissed my palm again.
"We're outside. Huwag muna." Sabay usog sa noo niya.
"Fine." Finally he lets go and finished his coffee. "Gah, ang lamig na! Pero... kakain na rin na tayo... Gutom ka na ba?"
Umiling lang ako at nanatiling nakatitig sa kaniya. At first, he doesn't mind it at all and just examining the commotion outside but after a while, he kept stealing glances and becoming nervous tremendously.
That handsome face... Did I describe his face already before? If not... His face is small; which is funny because that's always what our fans will say in person dahil daw hindi ganoon on screen. He's got this sleek eyebrows and long lashes and... enigmatic but charming brown-blue eyes. It's mostly like mine but sometimes, in quick glances, I can attest the ocean is in his eye. Sharp nose and jaw... Then his lips? It's enough for a singer and performer like him but it's so... smooth and red.
He's like those Hollywood actors that are new to the industry or a K-Pop idol. Buti na lang sa South Korea ang next stop namin... I'd tease him to dress like a K-pop idol para dumugin siya...
I'm the older one but he's the tallest of us all. Binibiro nga siya ng dalawa if he likes jerking off growing up so he grew immensely but... With his height, any short fans of ours are willing to have a piece of his height. May kaunting balahibo sa kamay at legs niya but all of those are fine...
The man beside me is fine in every aspect of his life... Flawless... Perfectly crafted by his parents and God himself...
The thought made me smile. Staring at his face made me fix my breathing and I could breathe properly now. That effect of him... making me comfortable and pain-free... Who wouldn't dare to fall in love with him?
"What, hyung? Pogi pa rin ba ako kahit gabi na?"
Umirap lamang ako. "Why are you calling me 'hyung'? Hindi naman tayo Korean..."
He thought for a while. "Our fans have been asking me that..."
"And you're deflecting them since time immemorial."
"Grabe naman?" he grinned and combed his hair up to the back. "It's really because of the fact na mas matanda ka sa amin... Isn't that... ang tamang tawag ng isang kapatid sa nakakatanda niyang kapatid na lalaki?"
"Again, we're not even Korean..."
"Then what, hyung? Tawagin kitang 'kuya'?" God damn, the cringe completely shook my system. "Bro? Pare? Those sounds like you're only a friend and a sibling to me..."
"So is hyung..."
Makahulugan niya akong sinulyapan bago hawakan ang kamay ko huli. "I want to call you by a sweet endearment but... but aware tayo na... hindi maganda kapag may nakarinig na iba... Ayokong masaktan ka roon so..."
"You played it safe?"
"Super."
Grinning, I look away. "Are you scared? About us?"
"No." that's faster than the lightning. "But I'm afraid that the world would divide us if they learn about this in a bad point of view. Ikaw?"
I shrugged. "I don't care what people would think about me or what..."
"But, hyung..."
"We'll take it slow..." bulong ko, no, pangako ko. "We just confessed to each other... Huwag nating madaliin."
Gratefull, he squeezed mine and stood up. "Mag-ayos na siguro ako sa loob, hyung. Puwedeng diyan ka muna or... help me out?"
I didn't move. Should I ask him this? But I just admitted I'm not scared of something but this is hella scaring me... "Johann... Can I call you that?"
"More than welcome." halos napatalon pa siya. "Puwede ring 'baby' kapag tayong dalawa lang, hyung."
"Asa." biro ko at tumayo. The blood in my feet is rushing to my cheeks. Call him 'baby' when we're alone? God, yes, he's younger than me pero... "One last question."
"Hmmm?" he sweetly faced me and fixed my cardigan. "Ang guwapo mo sa suot mo, hyung. Well, lagi naman."
Irap na lang nagawa ko bago sumeryoso. "We both... know that..." god. Breathe in... breathe out... "I grew up accepting the fact that people always misunderstanding me. And I tell you... I grew to accept and come terms with it. But... but if anyone will ask me... If I mind being understood? My answer's yes; it will always be yes. And hearing you say that you liked me... that you understand me..."
He bits his lips to stop a smile. "And?"
"That's the best Christmas present you could ever give me, Johann. I have mine for you inside but..." I hang my hand on his shoulders and he glanced at it. "Even... even after everything I did, Johann... Why... why..."
Fuck. Isang word na lang pero... sobrang nagtubig na ang mata ko. I swallowed the sobs that are wanting to get out and think about the times I pushed him away... Those moments I hated and berated him... Ang dami kong nagawa na hindi maganda pero... Pero bakit...
"Why you, you're asking, hyung?" it's his turn to hold me, but surprisingly, on my cheek. I shivered and my knees turned into jello with that contact.
Neither Vincent could conjure that effect on me. Only this stupid Monterubio in front of me...
“Because I love you?”he answered and the honestly completely sh... shattered me into million pieces. Yet he willingly put me back again and pulled me for a hug. "I don't mind the past now, hyung... Kung anong ngayon... kung yakap-yakap na kita... bakit pa ako titingin sa nakaraan kung iyon din ang dahilan bakit nasa'yo lang ang puso ko?"