I kept running and I didn't stop until I couldn't possibly run anymore. I found myself at the chasm. The roar of its waters was something that used to be so calming to me. The sound of it reminded me of my first time with Eric and everything Dauntless. I had spent so much time near the sound of the rushing waves. Now the feeling was different. Those waters had almost killed me. I kept walking past the chasm. Its charm had worn off. Everywhere I turned there was a reminder of Dauntless. These were all places that I loved and were my home. Now I didn't know what I felt anymore. The Dauntless that remained here were those who had chosen to stay, those who agreed with the killing of an entire faction. My level of disgust with my own faction was becoming overwhelming. I could not handle being inside of the Dauntless compound so I found myself outside on the street. I just walked around in the fading sunlight. The life I had chosen did not include today's events. We were soldiers; warriors meant to protect people not slaughter them. I put my hand over my womb and thought about my own child. How many children had been slaughtered today? How many innocent lives had been taken by the father of my child?
I felt faint with all of the emotions swirling around in my head. I stopped walking and closed my eyes. I slowly sunk to the dusty ground. The ground was still warm from the sunlight that had been shining on it all day. I pulled my knees up to my chest and rested my head on them. I began to cry. The tears were silent but I could feel them hot on my cheeks. They rolled down to the ground below me where they wet the dry earth. I looked up at the ring on my finger. Eric had warned me this morning in his letter that I would not like what was going to happen today but I never imagined it to be as bad as it was. How could I love a man who could murder innocent people? How could a man who could murder innocent people love me? Was Eric even capable of love? Was everything he did driven by his need for companionship and lust? I thought about the man who I had given my whole life to. He was so sweet and tender. His rough voice greeted me every morning and every night. I thought about the times I had caught him talking to our child when he thought I was sleeping. Could this man really be so evil? My heart felt like it was being torn into a million pieces as I thought about everything.
The sun set completely and my surroundings were cast into darkness again. I had lived in the darkened setting of Dauntless my whole life but it had never bothered me until this moment. When I turned and looked at the Dauntless compound I no longer saw home. I saw the institution that bred murders. The air outside was cold and I knew I could not stay out here for much longer.
I forced myself to stand and start back to the compound. With every step I took my heart felt heavier. I didn't even know if I could ever face Eric again? Could I look into those eyes and see anything but a murderer? Would I ever be able to see the love shining through his eyes the way I used to. I knew that Eric cared for me and maybe loved me. The real question was could I look past everything and still love him? I loved him even when I knew he was a cocky son of a bitch. I loved him even when I saw him being an asshole to other Dauntless members for no reason. I knew what he was like when I fell in love with him but I had managed to see past it. My Eric had been different than the Dauntless Eric that everyone else saw. Now I wasn't so sure I could separate those two Erics anymore. My Eric had become a soulless killer.
As I rounded the corner I saw a group of Dauntless sneaking out of the compound. I stopped and backed into a corner. I watched as they waited for a train to come. When they came closer I saw that Marley was among them. I knew in my heart that she could never be okay with what had happened here today. I stepped forward and gently touched her arm. She jumped but then saw it was me.
"Liz, what are you doing here?" she asked.
"I just needed some air. I couldn't be inside that place anymore." I said.
Marley grabbed me and hugged me.
"You weren't there were you?" she asked.
"No but Eric told me everything. Marley, I'm so sorry. I can't imagine how awful that was."
I watched a tear roll down Marley's face.
"It will haunt me for the rest of my life. Those poor people...I didn't want to...I just..."
I hugged Marley tighter.
"Shh. You couldn't control it. Where are you headed to?" I asked.
Marley pulled back from the hug but held onto my arms.
"Liz, we are going to Amity. They are offering safety for any Dauntless or Abnegation members. Please come with us. You will be safe there; your baby will be safe there."
I looked back at the Dauntless compound and then to the tracks where I could see the train coming. Amity, a place of peace and love. It was a place that a baby should be born into. I thought about Eric in that hospital bed. He would be furious when he came home to an empty apartment. As the train got closer my heartbeat sped up. I had to choose now. The ground began to run and Marley grabbed my hand.
"You coming?" she asked.
I nodded and we ran. I jumped into the train car and watched as the Dauntless compound faded from view.