Merry Christmas, guys! Have a bountiful holidays!🎄
***
There's nothing I can do about her and I.
I'm not active on my social media sites but Bill told me that she kept posting sad pictures or songs and doon lang nila nalaman na... you know, I b—I can't say break-up because hindi naging kami. "I told her we can stop seeing each other."
Both of them were not happy about it, especially Bill, pero may magagawa pa ba sila? I mean, I appreciate his efforts to lessen what I'm feeling that day... but you cannot fight the part of me that's completely reserved to someone.
As usual, ako pa rin ang pinapakausap kapag may kailangan kay hyung. I completely forgot about what he did the last time I am genuinely happy to talk to him.
I cannot deny the fact that... performing has always been the best part of my life. But behind closed doors, sometimes, ayokong pumasok sa recording booth namin dahil...
"That's good. But do it again." striktong utos ni Keith, his voice reverberating from the speakers behind me.
Suminghap ako at inayos ang suot na headphone. "Maayos naman, ah?"
"Hindi ko sinabing hindi maganda, do it again para may pagpipilian ako. You're doing great." and his voice disappeared.
Only if our fans knew what happens inside our building just to give them the music they all deserve... Oh. I can give that as a suggestion para sa content namin sa YouTube channel namin! We need exposure, many ones, after the break so...
Ako pa lamang ang sinasalang dahil isa pa lang ang na-a-approve na kanta na puwedeng i-record. "That's good. Add some riffs para mas better." Turo ko sa screen and Keith followed it.
Ilang oras kaming dalawa sa kuwarto habang ang dalawa ay naiwan sa practice room. Bill told us na may aayusin siya saglit but we know he's talking to someone else. Hyung... Well, he's unpredictable, eh?
"Si hyung? Kailan?" tanong ko at hinila ang isang swivel chair palapit sa table. "Tinanong mo ba kung may nasulat na siya?"
"Why don't you ask him?" aniya.
"Tss. Hindi n'yo ikamamatay kausapin 'yun," tawa ko at inat ng katawan. "Wala ka bang napapansin sa kaniya? These past few days?"
Hinihintay ko siya na bumaling sa akin o sumulyap man lang pero hindi. I know he's busy and ayaw niyang guluhin kapag nandito kami but the way he shifted his seat and breathing? "Wala?"
"He's early than usual?"
As if I won a lottery, pumalakpak ako nang malakas. No one will hear us outside anyway. "See! You care about hyung, too!"
"Napansin ko lang, I care about him na?"
"Still!" malaki pa rin ang ngiti ko. Would you believe that, Keith noticed something about hyung?
To think that... akala ko ako lang ang may paki. Whatever he says I know he cares about our pianist! Akala ko kasi... ako lang nakakapansin na bakit ang aga-aga ni hyung lagi nitong mga nakaraang araw. I'm not saying he's always tardy or what... unless he's staying, mas mauuna kami na dumating.
The other day, kasabay ko si Norwyn na maagang dumating. Kalalabas niya lang sa kabilang corridor at may hawak na kape at pagkain. "Aga, hyung, ah?" pansin ko.
"Kararating ko lang." he answered, still sounding sleepy. "Bought something to wake me up."
Nagkatinginan kaming dalawa ni Norwyn, expecting another words from hyung pero nasa tapat na siya ng elevator at naghihintay na bumukas. Norwyn scoffed and I shook my head.
"Busog pa. Kumain na ako bago umalis." sagot ko na lang.
Then kahapon, ako lang mag-isa ang naunang dumating. Since I have to practice my lines, kailangan ko mauna bago si Keith. Then I saw hyung again, kapapasok lang ng elevator at hindi na ako hinintintay na makapasok. I don't think he's seen me anyway...
"What's so big deal?"
"Wala... Para kasing... ang lapit niya rito. Ang alam ko North pa ang condo niya, 'di ba?"
"How would I know?" matabang niyang reply. Umirap na lamang ako.
Umakyat uli ako papunta sa practice room para i-try ang gitara. I mean, maganda naman siya... Magaan pa nga kesa sa Mars ko but... I don't know. We're just not clicking together unlike the time Mars and I met and it's just... DESTINY!
Hindi ko na muna pinansin si hyung na nasa tabi ng mga papel at kinuha ang gitara sa likuran niya. I can see Mars peeking at me beside the door at ngumiti lang ako saglit.
Time flies so fast at wala pa rin akong napapala sa gitara. As much as I'm grateful they've given us these things, I kinda agree on hyung... Maayos man lang sana.
Our practice room was painted with orange-y brown with thin black stripes along with it. I don't know why we opted for that but it kinda worked. Keith and Bill are around and we're practicing slash arguing about what's gonna happen kapag nakapag-palabas na kami ng bagong music.
"I miss having meet and greets." ani Bill at humalikipkip.
"Miss mo lang makakita ng maraming girls, eh!" Si Keith.
"So what? Aanhin ko itsura ko kung walang ganoon?"
Napuno ng tawanan ang buong kuwarto. My eyes are starting to tear up and I glance at hyung. I really can't tell today if he's listening or what. But his wide back is so sexy and kahit may fabric on it, I can picture—
Fuck. Stop it, Seb.
"What about you?" Gesture ko kay Keith. "Miss mo na katihin kaka-upo?"
From the way annoyance itched on his face, hindi iyon ang dapat sagot niya. Humalakhak kaming dalawa ni Bill nang tumango-tango ito. "Goddamn, ilang minuto tayo nasa waiting room, nakaupo, kapag tinawag tayo, uupo pa rin ako."
"Ginusto mo 'yan, eh."
Keith scracted his neck but we know he doesn't regret it. If you're with something or someone you love, nothing matters. Really. All you're thinking is that thing or person.
My eyes went to hyung and the urge to ask him almost slipped away from my mouth but thankfully, didn't. Nag-aya na si Bill na umuwi at pumayag na kami. Keith called me to finally leave at kinuha ko na 'yung bago kong gitara at susubukan ko na ayusin sa bahay.
Keith is pulling me so hard I didn't get to say goodbye to hyung. But I can see his face earlier na he really missed singing and performing dahil iba ang tingin niya sa mga papel na naglalaman ng puwede naming ilabas.
If he's gonna answer the same question Bill and Keith answered earlier, alam ko na kaagad ang sagot: he probably missed smiling so much. Because we can only see him smiling when we're on stage or when there's camera following us.
Without those? Nothing. As if he doesn't know to smile, he will not do it in front of us if he has no reason to.
Aware ako na nakaka-miss nga tumugtog at makilala lahat ng sumusuporta sa amin but when you're literally behind hyung all the time and you can see the smiles and screaming lungs of the audience, together with his smile while singing, kahit sad o pop song pa, mas miss na miss ko iyon.
I can't wait for us to be on the road again. I can't wait to see him smiling again.
I can't wait to fill him happiness while he cannot do it to himself for now.
I can't wait to stand behind him and witness his face that I wouldn't care about strobe lights hitting us on our faces, as long as he lits up like the sun in front of me?
I was too caught up thinking about hyung and the things I'll be able to do again I arrived at home, ate, changed my clothes, grabbed my guitar then just realized... I don't have my amp plug with me!
Oh, damn it! Paano ko maayos kung wala iyon? That's exactly what I need to correct the way I'm playing this one! Naghanap ako ng mga extra sa cabinets pero wala talaga. Should I just wait untill tomorrow? Babalik pa rin kami but...
Next thing I knew, nasa taxi na ako pabalik sa building. Minumura ko ang sarili sa isipan habang nasa byahe. The guard is surprised to see me emerge from the taxi. I told him anong balak ko at hinayaan naman niya ako.
"Ay, ser! Saglit!"
I stopped at my tracks. "Pa-check po ng office ninyo kung doon kayo tutungo."
"Bakit ho?"
"Basta check mo lang. Baka may naiwanan kayong ilaw na bukas."
Kunot-noo akong nagpatuloy sa paglalakad. Hindi ba sila nagro-rounds kapag wala nang tao dito at sila ang gumagawa noon? But to alleviate my stupidity, pumanhik ako pabalik sa practice room at kinuha ang kailangan.
My footsteps are echoing around the dim corridor of the second floor but wala akong takot na nararamdaman. Why would I be scared of ghosts? I've seen worse from living already. There's nothing that can scare me more.
Nasa isipan ko ang pagiging maaga ni hyung lagi dito na hindi ko na sana makikita ang maliit na liwanag sa bandang living room ng office. Madilim na sa parte ng pintuan at mas sapat iyon dahil kitang-kita ko ang liwanag na nasa mukha mismo ni...
Hyung?
From here, I can hear the soft humming of aircon from inside. Naiwanan ba namin kanina iyon? But... but... Why is...
The next thing I knew when I descended from darkness, may sumalpok na unan sa mukha ko. It didn't hurt. It wasn't enough to cover my surprise to see hyung... situated on the couch as if... he's living here.
Extendable ang couch at pwedeng maging higaan. He's got pillows and above him is his blanket. Sinipa lang niya iyon sabay bato sa akin ng unan.
Damn it... "Hyung? You're staying here?"
Of course, pabalang na naman siya sumagot. But at least, there's a response. Nilibot ko ang tingin at wala namang kakaiba bukod sa kaniya na nakapang-tulog habang nasa lamesa ang laptop na siyang nagbigay ng ilaw sa mukha niya kanina.
There's no way it's a ghost. Hindi iyon kaagad naisip ko. He's way too... cute and pretty for me to be a ghost.
I stare at his eyes and despite the usual anger in there, I sensed fear. Fear of what? Hyung asked if I'm spying on him and if I do, dapat hindi na ako nagulat na nandirito siya! But I didn't so...
Sobrang daming tanong na pumapasok sa isip ko but... pagod na kami pareho and it's rude for me to ruin his silence in here. So what if he's staying here? Malay natin... ayaw niya lang umuwi? Though a part of me saying it's not okay for him to be here.
Of course it's not. He has a home! This is not a home, it's an office!
Hindi na siya nagsalita after mahiga sa couch. Kahit kating-kati na ang dila ko na tanungin siya why is he not at home, pinulot ko na lang ang unan at inayos ang kumot niya dahil masyadong malamig.
After I put the laptop back on him, my heart warms a little after seeing his calm state while his eyes are closed. Ang haba ng pilik-mata niya... I like it.
"Sleep well." I whispered before I closed the door before me. Hindi niya iyon narinig pero okay lang.
There's gonna be a time I am allowed to say those words. There will be a time, limited, to both of us.
When the guard asked me if it's all clear, I lied and said yes. Nakampante naman siya at umuwi na ako. But I can't sleep at night knowing he's only got one pillow.
That's why hindi ako maaga pumasok. Nagsisimula pa lang maglabas ng mga paninda ang pinuntahan ko na shop nang magtanong ako ng malalambot na unan.
"Dahil buena mano ka, hijo, ito ang pinaka-malambot na mayroon kami!"
Mula sa pinakataas ng shelves nila, hinugot niya ang dalawang malaking plain white na unan. Unang abot pa lang sa akin, alam mo hindi ako bininiro ni Ate na nagtitinda.
"This is great!" I exclaimed, feeling the clouds in between my hands. "Magkano po?"
I didn't know that the softest ones are most expensives pero nasa magandang mood ako at hindi ko na kinuha ang barya. Bumalik ako sa bahay para kunin ang ilang gamit at tumungo na sa building.
Hinihintay ko na umakyat ang elevator nang maalala ko 'yung takot sa mata niya at doon lang pumasok sa akin kung bakit. Oh, hyung... Do you think I'd do that to you? I mean, if I did what you're doing, baka isumbong mo ako, but me?
I will never. Swerte mo sa akin, hyung.
Hindi ko sinabi sa kaniya na alam ko na kung bakit takot ito kagabi pero gulat siya nang pumasok ako na may hawak na unan. Pinuna iyon ng iba pero dinahilan ko lang na dagdag unan kapag on break.
Thank goodness, hindi na nangulit pa.
When I had the moment, lonely one with him, inabot ko na sa kaniya iyon.
"I don't need it."
"You will, hyung." Ngiti ko at bulsa ng mga kamay. "Alam ko malambot 'yung unan mo but who sleeps with only one? Dagdag mo na 'yan, ha?"
Why with only simple fashion, he still stands out for me? Kahit buryong siya sa harapan ko, hindi nawawala ang pagiging guwapo niya sa paningin ko. It's weird, I know, but I like it.
"Ipapahamak mo talaga ako 'no? Pinakita mo pa sa iba, paano kung mag-isip 'yung mga 'yon?"
"I doubt it," hagikgik ko. "Hindi rin nila mapapansin 'yan, hyung. Basta gamitin mo mamayang gabi, ah? Para hindi na masama ang gising mo kapag umaga."
Mas sumama ang tingin nito sa akin. My cute little monster.
Hindi na ako nag-eexpect ng 'thank you' dahil hindi siya vocal na tao, and sanay na ako, but when tomorrow came... Siya na ang sinalang na kumanta sa mga parts niya at lahat kami nanonood.
He can sing. He could. But he's not that confident today. Hindi malaman ng iba pero alam ko na kaagad anong gagawin. That's why I asked Bill and Norwyn to leave the room first.
"I'm the manager; I'm entitled to hear you record."
"Marco, ang arte mo. Kumanta ka na riyan. Maririnig ka rin namin kapag na-record mo na.x
That ain't helping, Bill. Kinuyom ko ang panga at huminga nang malalim. "Please?"
Perhaps with the finality in my tone, they finally moved. Masama ang tingin na pinukol nila sa akin and Keith is wondering what's happening to me; I just shrugged at him and turn my eyes back at hyung na nasa loob ng booth.
For the first time since we took a break, I caught a glimple of his smile. I had a prediction he's smiling already before I looked at him. Mabilis niya kasi inalis nang sumulyap ako. But I caught it!
And I loved it. Every small pieces of it. Ngingiti ka rin sa akin, hyung. Alam ko 'yan.
***
Kung gamit man ni hyung 'yung bigay ko or not, the fact that he accepted is speaks so much already.
I never brought up about his situation because it feels like doing that is also popping him and I don't want to be the main focus of his sudden breakdown. Kahit na gusto kong malaman kung bakit... hindi pa puwede, eh.
We finished the EP already and now, we have to shoot the music video of the single we're releasing. It's written by Keith; though Bill and I helped, majority pa rin sa kaniya. It's a song that talks about how someone looks at someone like a delicate flower... until it wilts and went gone.
Hindi ko alam kung anong inspiration ang mayroon kay Keith but he once told us na naisip niya lang 'yon while thinking why 'Cherry Blossoms' are not present dito sa Pilipinas. And if there are trees like that, iniisip niya na tititigan lang ng lahat ito hanggang mawala.
That's only his explanation but for me... It's about taking a risk on someone or lose the chance. It looks like it is tragic song for a comeback but... it has pop-sounds and I don't think anyone will notice it immediately.
First week of August ang alloted schedule namin for the shooting. Nagsisimula na dumami ang tao sa office and we're liking it. Mas marami na kaming nakakausap.
"May lake scene ba? Itutulak ko si Seb kapag mayroon!" Si Bill at hinabol ko siya ng suntok.
The staffs laughed at us at napailing na lang ako. If there's one, siya ang uunahin ko bago ako.
I can take a crowd of people but masyadong lumiit ang lugar kaya umakyat muna ako sa rooftop. I don't have anything to do with them yet kaya...
Then I saw Hyung smoking at one of the railings while looking at the spectacular view we have here. This reminds me of the first moment we've seen each other again...
And I've learned my lesson. Sa kabilang side ako ng railings pumwesto at tumitig sa kawalan. It's really beautiful to look at the scenery when there's morning light. Buhay na buhay ang buong Pilipinas at lahat ay gumagalaw.
Gumagalaw na rin kami at kahit hindi kami ang gumagalaw sa SNS namin, the announcement of our comeback hit the internet already. And marami nang naghihintay sa ilalabas namin na music para sa kanila.
Before, laging gabi ang tugtugan namin. O hapon, depende sa event. By this time, nasa daan kami papunta sa event o kaya nasa venue na at nagpra-practice ng mga blockings o kung olay ba ang mga instruments namin. Then we'll hang out with the other invited bands...
Oh! The thought brought a smile on my face. Nakatanggap na ako ng mga 'Congratulations!' messages dahil nakita na nila 'yung announcement. Some asked for snippet at tinawanan ko na lang.
I told them I can't wait for us to play in the same event again.
Ilalabas ko na sana ang phone para basahin 'yung instruction sa amin tungkol sa unang episode ng variety show na gagawin namin nang may pumwesto na pack ng sigarilyo sa harapan ko.
There's only one in the four of us who smokes... And it's the person who shouldn't be smoking at all.
"May asthma ka 'di ba?" concerned kong baling sa kaniya.
I guess I'm right. Well, tama lang naman iyon. But his eyes are red now. Hawak niya rin ang inhaler sa kabilang kamay. "Tss. That's all you say every time I whip out one stick."
Because we care about you, hyung.
"Throw it away." malambing kong utos. "Please? You're crying already."
Instead, he chuckled. "Ito? Buti napansin mo?"
"They're bloodshot red, hyung. How can I not be?"
Makahulugan niya akong tinitigan. I swallowed because I got very intimidated with his intense looks. "It's not the... It's not the cigarette, promise."
Then what is it?
May katahimikan na bumalot sa aming dalawa. I watched him put it back inside his pocket then inhaled from his inhaler. His chest are rigid before but after a couple minutes, it softened up. He turned normal again.
"Why are you crying, hyung?"
It's not common for him to approach anyone unless he's the one being approached, too. Besides, mukhang good mood siya simula nang dumating siya. Yes. He arrived late than us. I guess... he cannot stay here anymore.
Did someone catch him? Hindi ko na nga sinumbong, eh.
"Bakit ka curious?"
Hindi na ako sumagot. Baka ikutin niya pa, eh. Bagkus, I smiled gently at him and lean closer to the railing. I don't know... but hindi masyadong nakakasunog ang araw kahit nasa ilalim kami nito ngayon. Did hyung do something with it?
Hyung took a deep breath, the bulge between his neck protruded. "Iniisip ko lang 'yung pag-gawa ng earpiece natin. It's making me feel fucking scared."
Umawang ang labi ko. "You mean... iyong pag-custom mold na gagawin natin bukas?"
He nods. Natawa ako kaunti. God. "Why did you cry? They're not gonna hurt you."
Hindi siya uli sumagot. But from the way he pore his attention at the view, I just assumed the procedure of having some kind of putty mixture go in your ear to have its shape? Gah...
"We've done it before, 'di ba? It's harmless, hyung." I cheered. "Besides, nandoon naman kami lahat, you'll never be alone."
Hyung scoffs. "I was shaking so bad back then... when..." he taps his ears and laughed.
"That's because our ears control our balance. Hindi ka nanginginig noon dahil takot ka, hyung... It just happens our balance is kept in our ear."
I have no idea if it helped him I wanted to hold him to make him feel it but I'm scared again he'd become feral. Tumitig na lang ako sa mga sasakyang dumadaan sa tabi namin.
The atmosphere around us tells me he wants to stay and have a conversation with me but he retreated few steps away. "Hindi ako naka-sunscreen. Babalik na ako sa loob."
It's not even pagpapaalam but okay lang... Nagsimula na siyang maglakad palayo nang tawagin ko siya uli. He looked back, a little annoyed, but I still kept my thumb up in the air.
I didn't say anything but from the way I put my chest out and gave him an all-teeth smile with my 'thumbs up', they're enough for him to comprehend. No response was received but again, okay lang.
I'll be forever okay with whatever and whoever my hyung is.