January 3rd, 2019
Dear Belle,
I hope this letter finds you well. I also hope you and Autumn are okay. Things have really quieted down since the spring, and there's nothing to do. No one to save, no one to run from, nothing to do things for. Being who I am is pointless.
I understand why you left. I don't belong here, either, but where else do I have to go?
I suppose I should just say why I'm writing this. You'll more than likely throw it out anyway. I should get my point across before you
I'm writing to apologize for what happened in the spring. I know what I did wasn't right, but I knew you wouldn't be in a good state if things went haywire. As soon as I knew things went wrong, you acted as I expected. That sounds terrible, I know, but hear me out.
Think of how long I've known you. I can tell when things go bad. I've seen you have some of your bad days, and I know more than anyone how to treat them. Well, more than anyone who's left, I suppose.
I know an apology won't do much, especially after everything that's happened. But I figured it's better than nothing, and that you should know.
If you ever need someone, don't hesitate to reach out. Despite what happened, I do care about you, Belle.
Yours,
SR
January 17th, 2019
Steven,
None of that gives you the right to drug one of your best friends. Especially your best friend's wife. If it happens again there will be consequences.
You know who I am and what I can do. Don't say I didn't warn you.
-BB
January 19th, 2019
Belle,
I'm well aware of what you can do. I almost experienced it first hand in DC.
SR
February 7th, 2019
Steven,
Then you'll do well to not make the same mistake twice.
-BB
March 2019
"Do you think they've finished working on it, ma?" Autumn asked softly.
"I think so. But it's probably going to be busy, because it's the anniversary of it all." Belle pulled her hair up into a messy, tangled bun. "At least your school gave you the rest of the week off. I didn't think they would."
"Me either." Autumn admitted. "But you would've pulled me out anyway."
"A lot of other parents would. You're not the only student there who lost a family member or someone important. Imagine showing up to teach your class and there's no one there." Belle chuckled.
Autumn grinned. "They'd have so much fun teaching to an empty room."
Belle scoffed. "That'd be the highlight of their career, I'm sure."
Belle grabbed her hoodie and left the apartment with Autumn. They strolled through the streets of Brooklyn and caught a train into the city.
The memorial was packed, but that was expected.
"We just have to find your father." Belle said softly, taking hold of Autumn's hand. "He'll be here. Somewhere. They supposedly have graves, too."
"Could we find them?"
Belle nodded. "I want to find his name first."
They walked up and down the rows, trying to find Bucky's name. When she did, she stopped suddenly, causing Autumn to bump into her.
Belle ran her thumb over the lettering and sighed sadly. It had been a year since the incident, but it seemed like the longest year of her life.
Autumn hugged Belle's arm. Belle patted her shoulder as Autumn held her tighter. She pressed a kiss to the top of her daughter's head. "Come on, let's go find the gravesite."
Autumn nodded and followed Belle as she walked away from the memorial markers and to the graves.
Tons of other people had the same idea as they did, but none of them gave Belle a second glance. Belle and Autumn walked up and down the aisles, glancing at all of the names. Belle stopped suddenly, causing Autumn to bump into her. Autumn murmured a soft "Sorry.", but Belle didn't answer. She stared at the small gravestone in front of her.
Autumn clung to her mother's arm.
Belle took a small step forward, staring at the simple, black granite stone in front of them. The only thing engraved on the stone was his name.
James B. Barnes
"They deserve more than this." Autumn murmured. "This isn't fair."
"You're right." Belle sighed, wrapping an arm around her daughter and pulling her close. "One day we'll give your father a little something more."
Autumn nodded. She walked forward and sat down near the engraved stone. Belle stood behind her and put a hand on her shoulder.
"I know he'd be proud of you." Belle murmured. "He'd be so proud of you, just like I am."
"I miss him." Autumn whispered.
"I know. I miss him too." Belle squeezed her shoulder. "More than I can say."
Autumn put her face in her hands as a few quiet sobs escaped her mouth. Belle knelt down and wrapped her arms around her daughter. A few silent tears trickled down Belle's cheeks as she held her daughter close to her chest.
A gentle hand squeezed her shoulder, and at that moment, Belle couldn't care less who it was. That touch only made her cry more, because it was almost the same way Bucky used to touch her shoulder when she was upset.
Autumn's grip tightened on Belle's shirt as more sobs shook her body.
"It's not fair!" She cried. "It's not fair!"
Belle held her so tightly that she hoped all the broken pieces would come back together again. Belle knew how unfair life could be, and she knew that Autumn knew too, but that fact didn't matter right now. All Belle could do was hold her daughter and rub her back in hopes to calm her.
"I figured I'd find you here."
"Where else would I be on a day like today?" Belle sighed. "I thought you would have been here earlier."
"I've been here all morning."
A pang of guilt stabbed Belle's heart. Of course he'd have been here all morning.
"Sam's here too. He has a grave, I mean."
For the first time in months, Belle looked up at Steve's face. His eyes showed the same expression that prevented Belle from looking in the mirror most mornings. It was the same look she'd seen too many times, both on herself, and on her daughter.
His grip tightened on her shoulder. "How are you holding up? Really?"
Belle didn't answer for a few seconds. This was the first time someone asked her that question in weeks.
"I'm drowning. I can see the surface but I've got weights tied to my ankles and I'm running out of breath." She softly admitted. "I'm dying."
Belle let go of Autumn as Steve pulled her to her feet. As soon as Belle had regained her balance, he hugged her.
She'd forgotten what it was like to be hugged like that.
It only took a few seconds before Belle to weep. She buried her face in the soft fabric of Steve's shirt, trying to conceal her sobs. An all-too familiar feeling began to creep into her chest and plague her mind.
Without warning, she violently shoved herself away from Steve, lost her balance, and hit the ground. When she realized what was happening, she hung her head in shame and pulled her knees to her chest, trying her hardest to ignore the trembling of her body.
She heard Autumn mutter a few curse words that she definitely shouldn't be muttering at her age.
Autumn shook her arm. "Ma, water. Here."
Belle just shook her head. "Get that thing away from me."
"Drink it."
Belle didn't answer this time. She was too focused on the indistinct chatter of people around her, the ringing in her ears, and the overwhelming fear violently flooding her body. She suddenly felt so small in this world.
She put her hands over her ears and tried to make herself as small as possible.
Everything went fuzzy after that. There was a lot of commotion and people yelling, and then it was quiet.
Belle opened her eyes and she was staring up at the sky. It was a lot quieter than she remembered.
"Belle, hey, are you okay?"
She forced herself to sit up. "What the hell was that?"
"You were crying. Then got violent and pushed me." Steve handed her a bottle of water. "You fell and just started crying. I thought you were upset at first, but there was something else. You were shaking."
"Panic attack?" Autumn asked.
Belle took sips of the water. "Um, yeah. They're normally not that bad. I thought....I thought I was going to die." She laughed weakly. "It's pathetic."
"No, it's not." Steve said firmly. "Come on, let's get you home. It's not doing you any good to stay here."
"But, Bucky." She protested.
"You can always come back."
With a defeated sigh, Belle hung her shoulders. "Okay."
With Autumn and Steve's help, Belle made it back to the apartment. She took a seat on the couch and put her forehead in her hands, silently cursing herself out for making a fool of herself.
"Don't beat yourself up, Belle. Everyone's had a bad day."
Belle scowled at the floor and didn't answer.
"What do you want for dinner?"
"Nothing."
"That's not an answer. I'll ask you again. What do you want for dinner?" Steve asked impatiently.
"I'm not hungry."
"You're eating something for dinner whether you like it or not. So, tell me what you want before I make something random and that's what you get."
"I don't want dinner!" Belle snapped. "God, you're acting just like him, forcing me to do this and that when I don't want to!" She stood up. "There's leftovers in the fridge. I'm going to bed."
"It's four in the afternoon...." Autumn said softly.
"Goodnight." Belle stalked off to her bedroom and shut the door behind her, making sure to lock it. She leaned her back against the door and slowly sank down to the floor.
Why was everything so unfair?
It was nearly midnight before Belle left her room again. Autumn's door was shut, but a beam of light shone through the crack underneath.
She walked to the kitchen and got a glass of water. She felt someone else's presence.
"I'm surprised you're still here." She spoke. "Thought you would have went home after I went crazy."
"I've seen worse things in my life." Steve's footsteps approached her. "Finally coming to eat dinner?"
"Unless you count a glass of water as dinner, then no." Belle set the half-empty glass down on the counter. "I said earlier, I'm not hungry. I'll eat later."
"When was the last time you ate anything?"
"Breakfast."
"Is that normal?"
"Yep. As long as Autumn eats, I don't care." Belle finished her glass of water and set it next to the sink.
"That's not healthy."
"What are you now, a dietitian?" Belle scoffed. "How do you know what's good for me? You haven't seen me since that happened. It's not particularly easy when you lose your person." Belle sighed softly and was quiet for a few minutes.
"I know you lost him once. Both of us, actually. You were without us for a few days before you almost drowned yourself on that stupid plane. Time is different now. It feels different."
"Can I ask you something?"
"Shoot."
"Did you live for him?"
"What's that supposed to mean?"
"Everyone says they'd die for their loved ones. But you're different. Did you live for him?"
Belle went quiet. She stared down at the floor, then nodded. "He kept me alive. But now I can't shift that pressure to a thirteen-year-old. She's going through enough as it is."
"Can you do me something?" Steve asked.
"What?"
"Find something to live for."
Belle stared at him. "I don't make promises like that anymore."
In the morning, Steve was gone. He left a note behind on the kitchen counter.
If you need anything, I'll be here.
-SR
Belle took the note, folded it up, and put it with the others. She looked up at the sound of footsteps. Autumn stood in the doorway of the kitchen, with a white ball of fur following her.
"She got locked in my room last night by accident." Autumn grinned sheepishly.
Alpine let out an annoyed meow and wrapped herself around Belle's ankles.
"How dare you do such a thing." Belle teased. "Come here, you poor girl." She scooped up Alpine. "I'm sorry Autumn is so mean to you. I know, it's breaking your heart, isn't it? All you wanted was some love, not to be locked captive for a night."
"You're so dramatic." Autumn rolled her eyes. "Alpine is fine. She slept with me all night, anyway."
"She's so mean to you, isn't she? Holding you hostage all night long, not even bothering to leave the door open."
Autumn scoffed. "Okay, I'm a terrible person. We all do terrible things when we're alive. Alpine didn't die, she's fine."
Belle chuckled. "I know, I'm only teasing." She let Alpine jump down. "It was only one night, she'll get over it eventually."
"Let's hope so."
A/N: *insert screaming here* I'm fine. It's fine. Everything is fine.
College is tough. All I want is my degree, I don't want to do homework 25/8.