Jamie's POV
I can’t believe that he’s here, right in front of me. When he said he was going to give me five minutes and stood up, just five minutes to think about what he said I snapped out of my trance. I just had to hug him so tightly thinking that he’d actually disappear and that he was just a figment of my imagination.
I may have not said or admitted it to anyone but I hoped for his return, if he would ever return to me. I tried dating other people too but it would always just end up with me thinking about him, so I stopped because that was unfair to them and myself.
I’d like to think that this was a very long pause we had to have in our relationship but in case he finds someone, I would be more than happy for him and that would be my last thread to cut. I guess he never really totally cut what really binds us together - the love for “us” and for me.
I’d be called a hypocrite if I did not admit how hard it was for me the first few years. How many times I stopped myself from asking about him whenever I met his parents. It was not really planned but I happened to see them in an event my father was invited to which I had to tag along because Mom was visiting my brother that time. I came up to them and said my hellos and before I knew it, we were scheduling lunches, dinners, and even an afternoon tea. It actually helped too.
There were also nights when I could not sleep but had to stop myself from calling him too. I’m sure he had those moments as well. Add the tears that I shed because I missed him, us. All those we’re part of what we had to go through.
Was I wrong? Did I regret my decision?
In some aspects yes I thought I was wrong and pretty much told myself that I am as stubborn as I can be. I did regret some of our decisions but I know it is wrong to regret the decisions we made because that would mean we did not want to be accountable for it. So I had to erase the idea of regret and what ifs. What kept me going was the fact that he’s out there expanding his wings, learning, improving, growing.
I needed to make adjustments in my life during the past three years. I was so consumed by the timeline I set for myself and it exhausted me both mentally and physically. Realizing this, I made the decision to talk with my hospital supervisor and discussed if I could lessen the hours that I’d be clocking in. It did not matter anymore how long it would take me to complete my requirements before I can get my national certification. What mattered was to manage my time and enjoy the journey. They understood my plans because if they did not, I would have opted to resign.
I was able to spend more time with my family, visited my brother and other relatives in the States, and took my much needed vacation and break. Not everyone can get lucky to have supportive family, friends, and colleagues so I was very thankful that they supported and understood my decisions. After the break I needed, I continued completing my hours and several required case studies with better focus. Now I am done with two parts of my certification and I only need one more. I guess we can also say I’ve grown up in some aspects in life, know it a bit better now and I am proud of myself that I did.
It takes a lot of strength and time to move on from a love like Sean and I had. We’re not even sure if people ever really move on from that kind of love, maybe we just learned how to live with the fact that you have experienced that love and you were grateful for it. It is just that life circumstances made people decide to end the relationship, no matter how beautiful it looks and feels. That feeling stays with you and you define when and how long it will.
But if we are lucky enough, we get them back and we learn how to navigate those life circumstances better that would give the relationship a second chance it deserves, work harder and better to make it last.
So here we both are, staring at each other, breathing the same air, and in the same time zone. This may be coming in full circle.
“Where do you want me to begin?” He asked, happiness very visible in his tone and face.
“Wherever you want to begin, I’ve got all the time in the world for you.” I squeezed his hand. These manly, strong hands that I’ve missed holding.
“Thank…. you..., Jamie.” his voice cracked a little and he chose to look down after a few seconds of staring at me.
Please don’t cry, we’re done with crying. We’re better now.
“For what?” I looked at him so tenderly.
“For everything that you have done for me. I know and understand how hard it was and is for you too. You may be so far away, we may have not been together all these years but you were always there.”
He continued after pausing a few seconds.
“Funny thing is that you let me go for me to grow but I still wanted to be back where you are. I wanted to a year ago but I stopped myself because I knew I’m not there yet. I understood what you meant by me growing. I was too comfortable where I was and stopped dreaming, not realizing that I’ve changed. It was not the change that I dreamt of, I tried so hard to be the best version for you because I thought that would always make you happy but I failed in recognizing that my reflection changed and it was not what I am supposed to be. I know and understand that now. You have always wanted the best for me and I knew how proud you were whenever I achieved great heights. That is why I am always grateful to you. You don’t know how much of you have helped me through these years. You may tell me that I should not have you as my reason for the things I do, but I disagree, you have been, will be, and shall be. It’s just that now, I have myself to consider in that equation too all the time. I don’t know if that makes sense at all but yeah, that’s what I thought of all these.”
He finished his long explanation with a small smile.
“I’m proud of you.” Is all I could say. What else do I add to that?
“You don’t know how relieved I am that I am telling you these in person.” he admitted while shaking his head slightly.
“Hey, I’m looking forward to hearing about everything you want to tell me. How have you been?”
“I missed you, I cannot express how much. That’s how I have been.” Answering me back while caressing my hand.
“I missed you too, so much.” I smiled at him because this ”I miss you” will never run its course today. We’ll be saying that a thousand times more to each other, I think.
Sean told me about his school, where he lives, the people that he met and became friends with. The weekend trips they had when their time permitted and promised to show me some pictures he took later on. Explained what his dissertation was briefly when I asked but promised to let me read it when he gets the copy of the printed one. I didn’t ask much about how life was for him during his first months because this was not the place to talk about it. We might be bawling our eyes out when we do and we’ll be uttering so many “I’m sorries” along the way.
He said my parents and my brother call him to get updates and check how he is doing, likewise he calls them back whenever which actually is not really surprising. Knowing my parents, they liked Sean and my brother has this brotherly respect for him too and has liked him ever since they hung out before Johann left for school. I know they kept in touch because my brother, the thoughtful man that he is, was trying his best not to talk about Sean the last time I visited.
We have been talking for a while and with all these catching up, I had to ask something that’s been bothering me since.
“Are you back… you know for good?” I was a little hesitant to ask, but I really had to.
“Nope.”
“Oh…” that’s all I could muster upon hearing his answer. I guess we need to talk about a lot of things today.
“I’m here for a quick vacation, I still have a graduation ceremony to attend to and a few documents to prepare, so I have to go back in two weeks' time.”
I did not know how to respond to that. I know we need to talk about things that transpired a while back but I did not think that it would be this soon. I thought we’d savour catching up first and not talk about certain serious stuff. Is this going to be a fleeting happiness?
Sean gently squeezed my hand to get my attention back, I didn't realize that I spaced out and I neglected to respond. I’ve not even noticed that we’ve been holding hands this long too.
“Uh… sorry. Want to go for a walk? The coffee shop is feeling a little stuffy.”
“Jamie…”
“Let’s go for a walk, come on.” I stood up, gathered my things, and looked at him convincingly that I needed some fresh air.
I thought to myself, this is a fleeting happiness, one that will pass by so quickly without me grasping it tightly. And that scared me and I need to process this thoroughly for mine and Sean’s sake.