Not counting if you've read past this chapter, what do you readers feel like you wish there was more of up to now, this point.
A/N: NOT THOROUGHLY EDITED.
Chapter 10 - One Step Forward (Faith POV)
Sonya Mishal. Her accent is thick like my Latin teachers, but understandable - to me. Today I note that her hair isn't neatly combed, but wild and free, framing her face.
Her eyes patient and her demeanor fully calm. I on the other hand, with a pad of paper on my lap, a sharpie pen in my right hand, I wait tensely. Tired though I had slept, but the nightmare, or dream still fresh on my mind. I couldn't tell if it was a memory or nightmare, to be honest, they all seemed to feel the same to me these days. Though this one was different. The cold eyes with the nearly empty voice I dreamt, the face wasn't like ours.
Human. The way I saw the cold eyes, they were on a monster, face contorted, nearly abstract, but the only thing that was clear was how I felt looking into the eyes while the other features were misplaced.
Fear and loneliness.
"You seem distracted," Sonya says softly. Not wanting to discuss the dream or nightmare, I just shake my head. "Well then, I do believe that I gave you some homework..."
I hadn't wanted to give anyone in the Conrad home anything they could use against me, but I had produced answers for Sonya. So nodding, I started to write my answers.
Five words or one sentence to describe your life before being found.
Before I was found, my life was silent but I had music and books to fill my time, to quench my thirst for activity.
Five words or one sentence to describe your life with Walsh and Patricia.
Walsh and Patricia, even though they couldn't keep me, they were nice to me and because they knew Dmitri I think I trusted them.
Five words or one sentence to describe your new living arrangement with the Conrads.
I'm unsure about it, but I like that I have a lock on my door and that no one comes in without permission.
When I've finished writing, I turn the paper towards Sonya, and while her eyes trail along my print, I focus on her eyes, her lips, and her overall reactions to my words. Though I do watch, I see nothing, she gives away nothing, only nods and takes notes on her own pad that I don't get to see.
"I have a few questions," of course, she does, I think but try to keep my face neutral. "But you already knew that," she teases me and for a minute, I wonder if she could read my mind, but I push that away, Dmitri never said anything about people reading each other's minds.
"Well, you said you found it easier to trust Walsh and Patricia," I nod reluctantly. "Dmitri lied to you though Faith, how can you trust the people he sent when he lied? Wouldn't it be easier to trust the people that never knew Dmitri that way, you'd know for sure that they weren't lying to you?" it's a trick.
I think about the dream or the nightmare, conflicted because I don't like the way she's talking about Dmitri, and in turn Walsh and Patricia. When I got injured they came, even though they said they had work they took more time off, just to come and see me.
Sonya doesn't rush me, and while I focus on the paper in front of me, the question playing on my mind, but worse on my heart, I debate with myself, use all the current thoughts I have rolling around to write something.
I don't think Dmitri was bad... I don't think he meant to hurt me.
My breathing turns shallow, but I turn the pad towards Sonya. There is no pity there, but she writes something down, and then looks up again.
"Have you heard of social experiments?" I shake my head slowly. "Okay." she murmurs just when I think that she may continue she doesn't.
"I know from your file, that you were locked away in a house, miles - a few hours from anyone - alone on top of a mountain. You had no way of communicating with anyone, and had Walsh and Patricia not found you, you would have died in that house, under lock and key," her voice doesn't waver like Patricia does when she speaks about my life before.
"Inside your house, Walsh found, little food, running water, you had your own room, lovely views, indoor swimming pool, a small work out area, library, shelves and shelves of records, pictures, old cameras, books, lots of books, but you didn't know the code to lead you outside."
I swallowed thickly as my hand begun shaking, but Sonya, still with a serious face, and compassionate eyes - no pity - continues. "You believed that you would die if you went outside, and so you longed to go outside, but believed that you couldn't. There was no telephone, no way to make contact with the outside world; all your books and records were from before 1995 or 1996. You were told that you couldn't go outside without a mask and suit..."
"The only individual you ever interacted with was Dmitri, you knew that others existed but you believed that children like you weren't allowed to go outside, that the air was poisonous. You believed in a war, the Regime, Loyalist, Independents, and all the trappings that went along with those people and hard times."
Stiffened beyond awareness, surpassing any other time, even when Walsh was talking in the safe house, I had never felt so cold, or stuck in my life as I did while Sonya just laid it all out as she did. Thankfully in my nervous and stomach rolling state I appreciated that there was no humor in her voice.
"Trust is such a hard thing to give away, Faith, do you agree?" my mind instantly wonders, what comes next? What comes next when I nod, where will that lead me with Sonya? I have a few options playing on my mind; she tells me that I should trust her, that I should trust the Conrads, that I trusted Walsh and Patricia and that I should trust someone else again or that I shouldn't have trusted Dmitri.
"For me, trust comes with hope, and while giving trust to someone else can be troublesome, hope is the scary thing, because you give trust, but hope blooms. It starts off small inside your heart, and each time something happens, good moments, pleasant events, they nourish that hope, making it grow. Hope is a dangerous thing," she pauses.
"You place your trust in someone, and you hope that they don't betray it, but if that happens, and it doesn't always happen, but if it does, you stop hoping and you keep your trust close to yourself, because you think, the only person that won't hurt me, is me." My teeth grit, grinding against each other as the muscles in my jaw clenches.
"I'm going to say two more things about your Dmitri, after that, nothing more until you are ready to speak about him with me," I don't object, I'm never going to talk about Dmitri with her, a silent promise. "Dmitri lied to you about the war, the type of war he mentioned was a lie. There have been wars but none on American soil, none where you were found." Thankfully the pen in my hand was sturdy because I was ready to break it in half.
"I'm not going to lie to you, and some of the things I tell you, are going to be hard to hear, but I don't want to be another Dmitri in your life. So I'm going to tell you right off the bat Faith, that he lied to you, and he hurt you, and he did all of that with his words. You said he wasn't bad and he didn't mean to hurt you, but those are opinions. I didn't know your Dmitri, so I can't judge him or anything, but I want to concentrate on you. On Faith."
"The second thing is you are suffering from Stockholm syndrome, and that means that you've emotionally bonded with Dmitri, for various reasons which I will not touch upon, at this moment when in reality he was your captor Faith. I'm not going to just throw words and terms at you, but I will go for feelings and thoughts instead. I can't read your mind but I want you to think about this, you felt grateful to Dmitri because when he left he always came back? So you would do what you could to please him... right? Because inside, he hadn't forgotten you... and he was the only person that was coming to you, bringing you food... gifts... spending time with you." I couldn't blink, my mouth closed, my tongue darted out between my teeth and I bit down.
"But Faith, the only person that would come for you, where you were, was Dmitri. He made sure no one else had access to you. No one knew where you were, so no one else would come. When one other person was told to go to your location, given permission by Dmitri, Walsh came. If you were meant to live in that safe house, Walsh would have left you there. Patricia would have left you there. You wouldn't be seeing me right now. The Conrads, they wouldn't be opening their home to you, but most importantly, their hearts," whatever else was going on, I couldn't think about it, her words were like little pricks to my side, each one going deeper and deeper until I knew that if she continued, I wouldn't be able to hide my reaction.
I licked my lips, dry and cracked, "So we aren't going to speak about what Dmitri said or did, we are going to talk about you. What you've seen, what you've read, your questions, your experience... and my first question for you, is Walsh noted that there were many movies in your old home," I nodded woodenly, my guard dropping just a bit when she said no more talking about Dmitri.
"Which one was your favorite?" I blinked. This was really what we were going to talk about? My favorite movie? Still I couldn't help but want to answer her, "I liked Sixteen Candles," I whispered sure that my face flamed.
"What's your favorite part?"
"I have two... well lots of them actually," I replied, an impish grin on my face, "I liked the ending the most when they're sitting on the table, and the pink blush dress is really pretty too." Sonya smiled back, "okay what else?"
"Long Duck Dong, when he's in the tree and Jake is on the grass and he says, "oh sexy girlfrienddd," I giggle happily the movie playing in my mind, having watched it so often I knew all the lines of every character.
"If I remember correctly, there are scenes from that movie, where teenagers are in school, much like you are now?" cautious again, I nod nonetheless.
"When you used to watch the movie, what did you think about those school scenes?"
"I wondered what it was like, I mean it looked like fun," I had spent all my life learning at home with Dmitri, then he started going away more often and I had to study on my own... "I had thought that it wasn't like that anymore, I mean, that schools didn't exist," I don't mention that Dmitri is the one who told me that, Sonya knows that already, and I sigh when I realize that I don't have to say it. Knowing what she knows, I'm talking about it, and it's easier.
"So do you prefer studying alone, do you enjoy going to class?"
I shrugged, "I've only gone once," I tell her.
"Yes... but my first day of high school, I didn't sleep I was so nervous, I was homeschooled and in my sophomore year, I was going to school with students. I had been afraid to go for a while, but I worked that out and went anyways, it was so different. Louder, more people," her tone thoughtful, Sonya closed her eyes, as she spoke.
"You never close your eyes around someone you don't trust Faith, you keep your eyes open," my heart seemed to beat just a tad bit faster as little goose bumps erupted over my skin at her blatant display. "It was hard because everyone had their group of friends, everyone was laughing and I would enter somewhere and it felt like everyone was talking about me. All eyes were on me, and honestly, it was exhausting, trying to keep track of everyone, concentrating on if someone - or a group of people - would be coming up to me." When she opened her eyes there was a hint of sadness.
"My accent was much thicker, I had a few teachers that thought the best way for me to succeed was to point it out in class to the other students because there wasn't enough that they were talking about. It was humiliating, I mean especially at sixteen, it felt like nothing could possibly be worse than those first four weeks."
"I became more self-conscious because before no one had said they couldn't understand me - with my accent - but now, on top of being new, the way I spoke was a punch line." Not knowing what to say, still worrying my lip over my dream, Sonya closing her eyes for so long in the room alone with me, and the experience she was describing. "You want to know how I felt after that first day?" her head cocked to the side, she waited to give me an option.
In the silence, I thought quickly about how I felt after my first day, exhausted and drained by lunch, hiding out, expecting something to happen, but seemingly nothing had until it did and then it was too much for me. But how did I feel walking home? I tried to remember the dread I felt about having to experience it the next day, and then another one after that. I recalled feeling like it wasn't as exciting as it was in the movies, not that I had seen many movies but none of the people appeared to look as drained and zombie-like as I had.
Where was that person in Sixteen Candles?
Shaking my head, I focused on Sonya, who just waited patiently, until I recalled she had asked me a question before I had retracted inside my own mind. Nodding maybe two minutes later, Sonya took that as my answer, not asking me to talk about where my own mind went.
"I didn't want to go back, all the reasons for wanting to go, didn't seem like enough to endure the torture," she said laughing with a bit of dramatic flare. My face breaks out into a small smile, but you didn't give up did you? You continued to go... I wrote wistfully. I didn't know much but I knew that there was no way she was sitting here with me, a therapist if she had just given up completely. She had to go to school, lots of it in fact.
Sonya snorted, rolling her eyes, which to me seemed so wrong. Almost like that type of reaction should not come from someone like her, in her position. I would expect to see it on Harleigh, or Talia or maybe Samantha... "Yes, I went back, and I cried after school for about a week... and you know my mom offered to let me stay home as well," resting back, the tension in my shoulders leaving, I listened to her speak, "but my dad, he told me that I couldn't run and hide, that I was intelligent, but he knew that I could continue, because I was brave and strong enough," she glances away and I notice her eyes are watery.
She closes her eyes... and shows weakness by crying in front of me? And she wasn't the only one when I come to think of it; I had seen Kalenah get watery eyes as well as Talia and Patricia. They were all genuine reactions, I could tell that they weren't faking it, but on the other hand, I had Dmitri's words in my head, on my mind.
"How did you feel on that first day? After your classes?" looking down, I make a decision to share something, but I need to work up the nerve. So for the time being I answer her question.
I didn't think I could do it. Go to classes again. I was tired and shaky.
"And you aren't supposed to go to classes for another week?" I agree.
"Did you want to go back?" I nod slowly again.
Sonya smiles, the corners of her eyes crinkling slightly, "See, you want to go, you want to learn, even though it's hard, you want it deep inside... and I'm willing to bet that there are other things that you've kept hidden away, locked up, that you want. You have the opportunity to work on getting them Faith, on actually doing them," her smile drops when she observes me.
"You didn't think of it that way?"
No. I see no point in lying.
Sonya nods nonchalantly, pursing her lips, observing me, "Well, you need to think about it that way, because not only do you have that opportunity Faith, you have people in your life that don't mind going on those hidden adventures with you, you don't have to be alone and do everything on your own. You can, but you don't have too." In my head the different stories I've read and movies I've watched, the characters that team up with someone - their friend, someone they trusted, or couldn't trust in the beginning, that they explore with, all flash in my mind. I stare down at the pad on my lap, I just five months ago had a book of things I wanted to do. A journal.
'I wish I could do that, sing on a stage,' I thought just a day after Dmitri left me and I watched a movie, a band playing, the lead singer on stage. I shook my head now, though, it was different.
"Why are you emotional right now?" Sonya asked after a good five minutes of me saying nothing, just looking at my pad.
When I've decided that sharing the next piece of information with Sonya can do no harm, I write, I have a journal of things I wanted to do... if I ever got out, but if I show them to anyone, they'll know what happened. They'll know I was stupid and - I stopped writing, not daring to finish that sentence, not in my mind and not on paper.
Ignoring what I was writing, I start new. Before I wanted to do those things and I thought maybe others would too because they were like me, inside and making their own lists. I turn the pad to Sonya, resting back as she scans the pad.
"So you replaced the walls from that house on the mountains with new invisible walls?" Sonya asked bluntly just as the bell ringed, our time up.
Warring with myself, I wanted to believe that I could tell Sonya things, be honest here, so without meeting her eyes to answer her last question, I wrote something else.
I don't think I was with Dmitri since I was a baby. I think that I was with him when I was older, older than three years old but younger than five. My brows knitted, but I handed Sonya the paper, watching her eyes trace over my words, and for once she didn't react and keep her face neutral fast enough because I noticed when her pupils dilated before her head snapped up and her eyes met mine.
She takes a step back away from the door, gazing at me, "Do you remember your life before he took you? I mean - I was told that you said that you were with him since you were a baby, is - is that not true?" my hands shaking, nearly impossible to write with all the crashing and racing thoughts, I lifted my hands up clasping them together, before placing them on the side of my face, and closing my eyes. It was no more than a blink, but I then tapped my head, hoping Sonya understood what I was trying to say.
She opens her mouth once, twice, before finally speaking, "Dreaming? You're having dreams about things when you were younger?" A bit of relief washes over me when she doesn't bombard me with questions right then after I nod, and instead she surprises me.
"Thank you for placing some of your trust in me Faith, I will try and not abuse it," her accent thick, the 's' sounds long and rolls on her tongue. Ducking my head, my hand darts forward to leave the room.
"One more thing - did you use to have this dream before, in your safe house?" I shake my head slowly. "Did something trigger it?" my loud swallow serves as an answer.
"Can I suggest something?" blankness, that's all I have left in me as my head starts to ache, it feels heavy.
"Write down triggers, and the dreams-" I blanched at the thought of putting those kinds of things down on paper for someone else to find and read, and use against me.
"Too much?" Sonya judges my reaction correctly. "I'll see you Friday - and here is your assignment for then," she hands me a sheet of paper with her beautiful scrawl.
'Trust yourself. Create the kind of self that you will be happy to live with all your life. Make the most of yourself by fanning the tiny, inner sparks of possibility into flames of achievement - Golda Meir.'
Faith, what do you want to achieve? Name three things, five words or one sentence.
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Aren't we a bit happy Faith is opening up? It's a struggle but the cracks are there...
So I have a question for you guys... Does any of you have lists of things you want to do? Tell me... it's all anonymous... I'd love to know :) (if you want to share...Doesn't have to be like mine below... it can be anything... like... you want to learn how to ride a bike...)
Mine or one of mine on my own list... is to learn French (Fluently again).
My parents speak fluently, as do many members in my family and I understand phrases and if I'm paying attention I can understand it, but speaking it fluently... no...
When I was four I couldn't speak English, only french, but coming to America, so that I could go to school and whatnot, my parents started speaking English so I could learn and then I sorta just forgot the French...
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