November seemed to welcome a change in atmosphere. As soon as Halloween concluded, the Christmas decorations went up, trying to spread holiday cheer as quickly as possible. Per usual, Harry had a lot on his mind. He was sitting on the couch in the common room, Draco's legs thrown across his lap, when Ron dropped down beside him.
"Which courses are you taking mate? She's driving me absolutely mental. I wouldn't be surprised if she got McGonagall to give her the you know what again so she can take all of the offered classes."
"Aren't you following the Auror schedule?," Draco asked, reviewing his own potential timetable.
"I'm not sure if that's something I want to do anymore. I always thought Harry and I would do it together, stay as a team. But the more I think about it, the more I think I might just want to help out with the joke shop instead."
"Seems like you're doomed to Potions with me," Harry lamented.
"Seriously mate? You're willingly taking Potions?"
"I wouldn't quite call it willingly. I was volunteered for that along with Herbology, which I planned on taking anyway."
"I'll write myself down for those too I suppose. I'm sticking with Defence, and I'm adding on Muggle Studies.
"I'm looking at Potions, Herbology, Defence, Care of Magical Creatures, Charms, Transfiguration, and Astronomy," Harry replied.
"Replace Magical Creatures with Arithmancy and that's my schedule too," Draco commented.
"Not fancying any magical creatures eh?"
"I'll help Luna on her trips, but I wouldn't want to upset any more creatures. They can sense the dark magic surrounding me, and I wouldn't do that to them."
"I'm sure my schedule will end up being similar. I was thinking Divination might be fun, what with Firenze helping teach it and all," Ron responded with a shrug.
"I think I'm done with that course after getting the Grim. I can tell you now that I did suffer, but I am not happy about it," Harry replied sourly. "I can't even look at my tea leaves when I have a cuppa."
"Sorry about that one mate. You coming to dinner next Sunday?"
"Thinking about it."
"You should. Mum wants to see you to figure out our plans for the Christmas hols."
"I already wrote her, it just depends on the circumstances."
"I dunno if Gin will be there or not."
Harry cringed, and Draco gently nudged him with his foot.
"She asks about you in her letters."
"I'm doing fantastic obviously."
"I still can't believe neither of you will tell me what happened."
"It was amicable, that's all you need to know. Doesn't make it less awkward."
"If you say so mate. I'll see you later. Malfoy."
Harry and Draco remained sitting in silence, but the increased tapping of Draco's foot against Harry's leg had him putting down his parchment.
"Ask."
"I'm just nosy."
"I know you are, but that's okay," Harry teased. "It's part of your charm."
"Don't tell me anything if you don't want to."
"It was amicable, but it was me who broke up with her. After talking with my healer, I realized I was staying there because I was comfortable, not because of my feelings. I did have feelings, but after all that happened, I didn't feel anything, at all. It wasn't fair to either of us to string the relationship along. I couldn't be there because I felt obligated.
She said she felt blindsided, but I honestly don't see how. I was a shite boyfriend if you could even call me that. I spent most of my days in bed, staring at the walls. If she couldn't get me out of bed, then clearly it wasn't the love everyone was telling me about. I had to get up and out for me, not for anyone else. It was easier, to just be detached.
A break was initially what she wanted, but I told her I wouldn't do that to her, do that to us. If she met someone, I wouldn't stand in the middle of that. If I'm not sure what I want, then how do I know I truly want it? That it's worth fighting for?"
"And you Harry, what if you met someone?," Draco interrupted.
"Can you really find someone if you're not looking? Well, I suppose they can be right there under your nose. I don't know if I'm capable of all of that."
"Are you kidding me Potter? You're overly kind and caring. You're the most capable of showing love out of anyone here. Love saved you, and you give so much of it without even trying. Felix is absolutely spoiled rotten. You treat me extremely well, better than you would ever have reason to. You're kind to all of the first years, especially the Slytherins. You don't tell the reporters to fuck right off when you honestly should. There's so much about you to be admired, don't you dare sell yourself short. You're a damn catch, it's time to start acting like it."
"We all have different love languages I suppose. What was it you said, love tough?"
"Oh shove it you tosser. Now that you're done wallowing in self-pity, we have work to do."
"And what if I wasn't done?," Harry challenged.
"Then save it for Athena."
That was essentially what Harry did.
"So, what does Draco know?," she inquired on Saturday. "I'm interested in hearing about the continued progression of your relationship."
"I told him about Ginny."
"Really? It took you months to open up with me about that."
"It's different with Draco. It always has been. I never thought our relationship could progress like this, but he actually listens you know? If I make an offhand comment about liking something, he actually remembers. And he did the most wonderful thing for me on Halloween. He's truly the best person that I have in my life."
"I advise that you keep an open mind in regards to your feelings," she suggested gently.
"What are you implying?"
"I'm not implying anything. When you came to me you were very closed off emotionally. All I'm suggesting is that you try to tune into those emotions a bit more."
"You're the one who immediately came at him about his 'intentions'."
"You never mentioned him by name as your friend. I had my suspicions that it was him. I do my best to be impartial with my patients, but you're a harder case as your business is publicized everywhere.
I know that you immediately had an idea as to why Felix has attached himself so strongly to Draco. We can discuss this with Draco next week at our joint session. What I am interested in hearing about however, is your relationship between Ron and Hermione."
"Ron and I are fine. We caught up a bit this morning. Hermione still has this hatred of Draco. I'm not trying to invalidate her feelings because she has perfectly legitimate reasons to be upset. In ways he was crueler to her than he ever was to me. I don't want to take away from the validity of her experiences.
My issue is that she doesn't seem to trust me. Her and Ron went off without me, and I honestly wasn't very bothered by it. I adapted to being alone, and I realized I was responsible for pulling myself out of that slump. I've changed in that time, and I don't think she's realized it. I wish she would talk to me like an adult. We're not 11 anymore."
"Have you told her this?"
"Whenever I try, she cuts me off, and gets loud and defensive. I can't even finish a sentence without her interrupting. It makes me wonder if it's worth it or not to even try to fix everything."
"What does your heart say?"
"I miss her. I miss them both, and I miss the way things were. I can't keep hoping for the past, or else I'll waste my present and my future on the things that were."
"Precisely."
After the session, Harry couldn't shake off what she had implied. So what if Draco made him happy? Didn't Ron make him happy too? He not once had ever had those implied feelings for Ron. He would "stay open minded" but he didn't like where that was going.
"Alright there Scarhead?," Draco asked as Harry dropped onto his bed.
"Wonderful."
"Might I remind you that your bed is for sulking."
Harry rolled off the bed onto the floor, Felix running over to make sure he was okay.
"Must you be like this?," Draco asked with a sigh. "You're so dramatic."
"That's rich coming from you," Harry mumbled.
"Yes but it's attractive when I do it."
"You've been deceived."
"Get back up here will you? You're worrying poor Felix."
"I'm fine baby boy, don't worry."
"I didn't need reassurance, your dog does."
This got Harry to finally pick his face up from the floor, but the look in his eyes when he turned to Draco had him filled with regret.
"If you're my baby boy, then doesn't that make me your da-"
"Potter if you finish that sentence I swear to Merlin that you will not live to see another day."
"Mission accomplished."
Fuming, Draco grabbed a pillow and smacked Harry with it, causing him to fall flat on his face.
"Hey!"
"If you dare speak like that with me again you'll have worse done to you. When I come back you better be more level-headed."
"So you can threaten me but I can't threaten myself?"
"Precisely. Now you're getting it. It's only like we've been playing this game since we were 11," Draco retorted sarcastically. "Besides, I obviously lack follow through when it comes to things of nefarious nature. I was a shite death eater."
"If you were a book character you'd be my favorite. Specifically because you're morally ambiguous."
"I didn't even think you knew what that word meant," Draco replied with a snort, brushing off the compliment as he walked into the bathroom.
He came back a few minutes later, pleased to see Harry was at least sitting up against the wall now, holding onto Felix.
"Do you still want to see my mother today? I can write to her and postpone until next week, I'll just go today."
"No, we can go. She's expecting us, it would be rude not to show up."
"If you're not up to it I'm not forcing you. Mother will understand."
"I'm not up for much anymore Draco."
"You're going to be up for a bath. Go, I'll keep Felix company."
"I don't think I've taken a bath since fourth year."
Draco looked absolutely horrified, and Harry couldn't help the giggles escaping from his mouth.
"You're having me on! You have to be."
"I am not having you on! That's such an odd thing to lie about."
"Go immediately. I'll get you in an hour if you're still in there."
"An hour?," Harry sputtered. "Why in Merlin's name would I be in there for an hour?"
"Oh you have so much to learn from me darling. Get out of my sight. Our son can't bear to look at you right now."
With a roll of his eyes, Harry obeyed, and Draco was quite pleased that he didn't have to coerce Harry into anything. While Harry was in the bath, Draco went about picking out clothes for him, knocked on the door, then left them in the sink. Draco then changed Felix's food and water, threw a toy for him to fetch for a while, and was just finishing brushing his fur when Harry came out of the bathroom.
"Better?"
"Actually, yes. My skin feels so soft now."
"You're positively glowing. See, I know what I'm talking about."
"We established that after you fixed my hair."
"Yes but it's nice to have my effort recognized."
"I appreciate you very much," Harry said sincerely, wrapping his arms around Draco, his head fitting into the crook of Draco's neck.
"Good. I'm a delight."
"You are."
"And I have the best sense of style."
"Mhmm."
"I'm the smartest man you know."
"Yep."
"Why do you keep agreeing with me?"
"Because you're right. It's okay to tell you sometimes. Can't do it all the time or you're going to get a big head."
"That's better. I was starting to think that bath made your brain smooth too."
Harry laughed quietly in Draco's ear, enjoying the closeness.
"It was just a very long morning."
"Telling Athena how much you love and adore me?"
"Something like that," Harry replied dismissively before pulling away to lay on the bed. "She always asks about Ron and Hermione too, and I don't always want to talk about that. I end up coming back feeling emotionally exhausted."
"So you do talk about me then?"
"Nothing I don't already tell you to your face. Just more... sentimental I suppose. I know you don't always like that."
"You can be sentimental with me!," Draco huffed.
"You kept goading me into insulting you," Harry replied with a raised eyebrow. "You are a delight, and I do appreciate you. I just talk about how you make me feel like I can do anything because I'm me, not because I'm Harry Potter. If I do something stupid you'll tell me to my face that it's stupid, and I find it very refreshing. I don't have to pretend with you, I never have. That's why I feel so strongly connected to you."
"Oh." Draco cleared his throat and looked away from Harry.
"See? You're all blushy and flustered and can't even come up with a coherent response! It's easier for you to respond when I'm teasing you."
"Because for me that's easy. We've always been like that together. It's easier to say those affectionate things late at night, but when you need a pick me up I'll move past my own personal discomfort to help you.
Do you think my father has ever told me that he loves me? My mother at least has always had her ways of showing it, but she was rarely ever upfront about it as I grew up. It's just another thing he took from me. I'm trying though, it's just easier to offend you."
"Teasing is how you show affection. I do miss your comments about how insufferable you found my hair though. I could-"
"Don't you dare ruin your best feature!"
"What was my best feature before my hair?"
"You have a goofy smile. I like it."
"Thank you? New topic of conversation, you're too awkward for this in the day time. Are you ready to go see your mother?"
"I could do with some lunch, yes. Are you ready?"
"As ready as I can be."
"Do you think we can bring Felix?," Draco asked suddenly.
"All dark artifacts are gone right?"
"As far as I'm aware, yes."
"Then I don't see why not. Come on baby boy time for a trip."
At the word "trip" Felix perked up immediately. They carefully made their way to McGonagall's office, and took the floo to the Manor. Harry had Draco take Felix, still unsure of his footing when using the floo network to a new location. Draco was there to right Harry as he stumbled out.
"You still need to work on your landings."
"I think I always will," Harry grimaced.
"Draco dear, is that you?"
"Yes Mother, it's me. I've brought Harry along, and Felix his dog."
Draco brushed all of the soot off of Harry, then fixed his hair.
"That's the best I can do under such short time constraints."
Laughing, Harry elbowed Draco and took Felix's leash back.
"Mr. Potter, so nice to see you again."
"Harry please Mrs. Malfoy, thank you for having me," he greeted, extending a hand.
"Then I must insist you call me Narcissa. Little Teddy absolutely adores you, I hear it all the time from Andy."
"He's wonderful isn't it? So smart at such a young age."
"This is Felix, Mother."
"And I've certainly heard lots about you," Narcissa said fondly. "May I?"
"Oh yes, he's quite friendly when he gets used to you."
Draco and Harry both knew that Felix would be able to sense the sadness rolling off of Narcissa in waves. His mother had lost that spark in her eyes, and Draco was hoping to be able to bring it back.
"Shall we have lunch now? I took the liberty to start pulling out different books that may be helpful. They're at that desk you loved to sit at for hours Draco."
"Thank you Mother."
"How are classes going then boys?," she asked as they sat down at the table.
"Draco talked me into taking Potions this year," Harry said with a snort.
"You had a good idea and I got excited!," he retorted defensively.
"Are you implying I rarely ever have good ideas?"
"You said it, not me."
Harry kicked Draco under the table before turning back to Narcissa.
"I'm more excited for Herbology though. I've come to really love plants these past few months, and our project has to do with plant breeding for the usage of potion making."
"Oh, that does sound very intriguing. You're partners for this project then?"
"There's no other way I would survive Potions."
"Potter is simply being dramatic, he's not that awful at it."
"Yes, you would be able to tell when someone is being dramatic wouldn't you dear?"
After Harry's snickering subsided, she asked him more about his plants.
"Our gardens used to be beautiful. Perhaps if you have time you could give me some recommendations?"
"I would love to!"
As they ate, Harry started listing different plants that could potentially work for the space to get an idea of what Narcissa may want. Draco listened fondly, a smile constantly tugging at the corners of his mouth.
"Thank you Harry. I'll take you to see the space once you and Draco have finished your research for the day. I'll keep an eye on Felix if you'd like."
Draco gave Harry a quick tour of the house, flipping off some of the portraits that were clearly gossiping about Harry's presence in the home.
"This is the library. Should we start with what Mother pulled out or should we just pull out as many books as possible?"
"Let's pull as many books as possible, we can create a list of all of their titles, and then work through that systematically."
"Granger really rubbed off on you huh?"
"I suppose. This is important to me, so I want to do a good job. There's not many people I can ask anymore. It feels like I wasted a lot of time, thinking there would be a future to get all of my questions answered. Now, I'm on my own."
"But you're not on your own," Draco said sincerely, grabbing Harry's hand. "I'm right here. I don't know what the world will look like after we finish school, but I do know that you've been a constant in my life as far as I can remember, and that won't change. Even if we end up not being near each other, I'm only a firecall away."
"Promise?"
"I do promise, and I don't make those lightly," Draco reassured, squeezing Harry's hand. "Let's go look at some books."
In the end, they didn't even read any of the books. Harry attempted to summon books that mentioned the Potters, and was promptly knocked to the ground once one hit him in the chest.
"For Salazar's sake Potter! You have to do this the muggle way or you're going to get killed!"
Before Harry could respond, Draco's glare silenced him into submission.
"Good boy. Check the bottom shelves while you're down there."
Harry was too flustered to respond and did as told, while Draco smirked down at him. They spent the rest of their time in the library in relative silence, Harry lost in his thoughts.
"Let's get ready to leave yeah?," Draco asked sometime later.
"Alright, I'm starting to get a headache."
"Pick a few books to bring back with us."
"Do you think the library at school would have any books?," Harry asked, bolting upwards.
"I suppose it might. Yes, I don't see why it wouldn't. I don't know why I didn't think of that before."
"I'm sure you have better books anyway. This is a very impressive collection."
"Malfoys are hoarders. Almost nothing ever gets thrown out."
"It's the little things I wish I knew sometimes. It's painful, hearing less and less that I look like my father. I know I'll stop hearing it soon because I'll be older than he, older than both of my parents, ever were, in a few years."
"Come here, you need a hug. I'm sorry that I don't always know what to say because I haven't lived many of your experiences. I'll always be here to listen to you though Harry. Whenever you need someone, I'll be there."
"Even if you're not. If something happens and we drift apart, I'll always positively think back on our time together. You've been here for me when no one else was, and I don't take that lightly."
"You've had a long day. Come on, I'll let you borrow one of my nice sweaters."
Draco held Harry's hand in his own, a stack of books in the other, as he led Harry to his bedroom.
"Mother got this for me as a joke one year one. You can borrow it."
Draco tossed a maroon sweater at Harry, who laughed as he caught it.
"Have you ever worn this?"
"Never."
"I'd love to see you in red. It's such a pretty color on you."
"Absolutely not. I'd love to see you downstairs so we can leave. It's almost dinner time."
"Did you find anything of use?," Narcissa questioned as they made their way downstairs.
"We pulled out so many books we didn't even start reading yet. Thank you for your help."
"It is the least I can do. Shall we head out to the garden now?"
"Of course."
"Draco, be a dear and make sure Felix has had enough water will you?"
"Mother-"
"Thank you darling. Come along Harry."
Narcissa didn't begin to speak again until they were a decent distance from the house.
"You care for my son, deeply."
It wasn't a question.
"I do."
"There's no one else that I would rather trust his well-being with than you Mr. Potter. I know that you have his best interests at heart, and you see more than the mark on his arm. Others are not so kind, nor forgiving."
"I wish they knew him like I did. Everyone is so caught up in their ways that they refuse to see reason. This is precisely why I stick to going out in the muggle world."
"Yes, Draco told me how much he enjoyed that trip. He talks about you quite often."
"I would hope so, we do spend most of our time together."
"Thank you for not leaving my son alone."
"I thank him all the time for staying by my side. What flowers does he like?"
While Harry and Narcissa were talking, Draco was anxiously pacing around the living room. He knew his mother purposely wanted to get Harry alone, and he had no idea what the two were talking about.
"Thank you again for having me, Narcissa."
"Stop by anytime Harry. It's always a pleasure."
"Goodbye Mother," Draco said suspiciously, pulling her into a hug.
She placed a kiss upon the top of his head and wished them safe travels. Harry walked up to the floo, and instead of announcing McGonagall's office, he called out 12 Grimmauld Place. Draco and Felix followed after him in confusion.
"I thought we were going back?"
"If we didn't stop by for dinner Kreacher would be very upset. He did all of that shopping, I don't want anything to go to waste."
"Can I help with anything?"
"Fancy chopping some vegetables?"
"Fancy telling me what my mother said?"
"That you love roses, even if they're basic. But you of course have the most pretentious favorite rose. The Ebb Tide rose is stunning."
"It's such a perfect shade of purple," Draco replied with a happy sigh. "Stop distracting me!"
"You need to be careful using that knife. It requires all of your attention."
"Fine, don't tell me."
"Masters! You is returned!"
Draco let the matter slide, as he could tell Harry was still preoccupied by something. The two men ended their night at Grimmauld Place, with Draco's face buried in the crook of Harry's neck, and Harry's hand tracing patterns across Draco's back.
He worriedly fell asleep, dreaming about everything that could go wrong with his dinner tomorrow at The Burrow. Harry couldn't tell if he was imagining Draco holding onto him a little bit tighter, but he sank into the embrace nonetheless.