"Hey,
I wanted everything I never had
Like the love that comes with light
I wore envy and I hated that" - Sia, Alive
But I survived.
The library was amazing, bookcases lined every wall, there were books shoved into every nook and cranny. The room was vast but there was a massive fireplace designed to make each reader feel cosy and safe, or at least that's what I imagined it did. For now it was full of dull ash and the room felt cold, the atmosphere one of spooky calm.
It felt forbidden and abandoned. Indicating that I was probably not supposed to be in here. I was going to get in trouble, like always.
"Hello, are you alright?" Someone asked and I shrieked, abruptly spinning around to the face the intruder. She looked like a friendly woman, with glasses hanging around her neck and a big poufy afro. Still, I kept my head bowed in submission. I was beneath all members of the pack.
"I'm sorry, Miss. I shouldn't be in here." I said quietly, waiting for a punch or a slap. She did neither.
"Now why shouldn't you be in here? You like books?" She asked. I looked up a fraction, before dropping my eyes again. When would she punish me for finding me here?
"I like them, Miss." I replied.
"Then there is no reason for you not to be here. The library is always open to pack members who enjoy reading. Is there any particular book you came here for? I can take you to the children's section if you'd like?"
"I'd like that very much, Miss." I answered politely, still frightened of being reprimanded and confused that I haven't been already.
"Oh no, darling. You can call me Maple. Now, follow me."
I followed her towards a section to the right corner of the room, lit by bay windows looking out onto the woods. We stopped at an area surrounded by plush pillows and brightly coloured picture books. It looked nice and friendly.
"You can pick anyone you like." She offered. I was uncertain, surely she would take away any book I liked? The Alpha always did that to my things.
"Go ahead," she encouraged me with a smile. I blinked. No one had ever smiled at me before. I wasn't sure if I liked it.
"What's stopping you?" she pressed and suddenly I felt obliged to go, so I did. I went over to the shelf and frowned at the symbols running down the sides. They made no sense. Fear began to creep in, although it never really left. I thought reading books would be simple, just like talking, after all didn't the Alpha talk out loud from these books? I picked out a random purple book.
"Oh." Maple exclaimed, "That book's a little too young for you I would've thought."
"Oh, okay." I said quietly, almost paralyzed with anxiety for my punishment. I put it back quickly, feeling stupid and embarrassed. She gave me an odd look and I shrank away, quivering with fear. My heart sped up, the feeling similar and strangely comforting. I knew it was a stupid idea to come here.
"Darling, can you read?" she asked gently, kneeling down in front of me to be on my level. I blushed and looked at my hands, which shook with her proximity. She was too close. I didn't like it.
"No..." I mumbled, embarrassed. She would scold me for my stupidity or give me a well earned slap.
"Do you go to school?"
"No." I replied, ashamed at myself. All nine year old's should be able to read. She frowned.
"Do you get taught at home?" she asked, sounding concerned.
"No." I whispered. "I just do the pack chores." She looked distressed, "but I finished them already." I amended quickly.
"What's your name?"
"Eden, I think - but no-one ever really calls me that."
"Well, what do they call you?"
"Runt." I admitted. She sucked in a sharp breath and I flinched.
"I am going to teach you to read." She announced, determination dominating the tone of her voice. I looked up at her in wonder. She must have been mistaken.
"Really?" I asked, shocked that this woman would be so kind. Why would she want to teach me?
"Yes."
**
"What happened? Darling, are you okay?" Maple asked me as soon as I sat down for our tutoring sessions. I looked away from her and out the window, hiding the black eye that adorned my left face. Maple was always upset when she saw me hurt and I didn't like her upset.
"I...I got in the way." I said, looking back at my only friend who looked livid. My eyes widened with accustomed fear, shrinking back into the seat and hunching my shoulders, trying to hide from her gaze.
"They have no right." She muttered, "No right!"
"I'm fine. I deserved it."
It was my fault. I shouldn't have dropped the plate.
"No, you listen here girl. You don't deserve any of that. You're the sweetest, smartest and most polite girl I know."
I shrugged. I didn't really believe her. I was a waste of space.
"I shouldn't have been born."
"Don't say that!" She scolded me, obviously shocked at my statement. I didn't know why, all the pack knew I was a mistake.
"It's true. Alpha said the Luna slept with another man. It's a crime."
She had tears in her eyes.
"It's not fair." She stated, "You're just a little girl. They shouldn't behave this way."
I shrugged again, although the movement ached and I avoided her gaze, tense in my seat. Her hand reached out as if to comfort me, but I recoiled away from her and she let it hang in mid air. I stared at it wide-eyed, certain it would turn into a slap, but she pulled it back with a tight lipped smile. I was relieved.
"Can I please learn some Algebra today?" I asked. I enjoyed maths - it was much more challenging than reading, history or geography. I had learnt the world map and all the kings and queens in a day. I was proud, but I had to do better. Maple taught me to read in only two months! She said that was really quick and that I'm very smart, but I think she's smarter than anyone else I know.
She chuckled and wiped her eyes. My heart warmed again, I never liked it when she cried. Alpha said crying was weak and I didn't like seeing my friend weak.
"Of course."
**
They had announced the pack was going on holiday. I was so excited! They couldn't leave me here, right? I had to go with them. They'd need someone to help them cook meals or clean or...they needed me.
The doubt and fear was there, clouding my mind, but hope shone brighter. It was the holidays. The holidays were supposed to be fun.
I was grinning wildly as I packed the old Barbie bag I found under a hammock. I only had a few items to put in it, but I was so excited. I had never been away from the pack's lands before! Maybe we were going to Egypt and I could see the pyramids! Or Paris to the Eiffel tower!
I hurried down the stairs two at a time, afraid they'd leave without me. I crashed into someone at the bottom and was immediately pinned to the wall via my bag straps. It hurt my shoulders and my eyes widened as I stated right into the Alpha's eyes. I quickly averted my gaze, heart pounding with terror and body trembling.
"Where do you think you're going?" he hissed.
"O-on h-holiday, Alpha."
He laughed.
"Holiday? You? Come with us? ON HOLIDAY!!?"
I nodded, hopeful, but I knew it was a waste and the despair was tangible.
"I wanted to go see the pyramids." I mumbled, still a little hopeful.
"Well you're staying here." He ordered and dropped me. I fell to my knees with a crack. The ache explodes in my knee caps and I whined in pain. I refused to cry, even though it hurt so much.
"Jackson, she can't stay here!" The Luna cried, rushing towards us.
"Why not!?"
"She's nine!"
"So?"
"Well, she - at least let her stay with the Omegas."
"She's beneath even the Omega's," he snarled, kicking me to prove his point, "and don't defend her, her existence is your fault."
The Luna lowered her gaze and nodded submissively before turning away to help the pack get ready. I turned my attention to the Alpha, breath shortening with fright.
"There is a list of chores for you to do on the table, you are to do them or you will be punished," Alpha commanded, "Now go upstairs."
I did and watched them leave from the attic window, the many cars kicking up dust in their wake. I bit my trembling lip, tears pooling in my eyes. I fought hard against them, refusing to prove myself weak. Maybe if I had been a better girl, the Alpha would've let me come with them. Maybe if I wasn't so weak.
My heart ached and I clutched a hand to my chest but it did nothing for the pain. The loneliness I felt was a physical pang, as if all my hope had been crushed in his roaring fire of disappointment and the ash was now my burden to bear. I had wanted to go with them so badly, but I know I don't belong. Why did I even bother? Hope was stupid.
I knew I deserved it, especially when I began crying but I couldn't help it.
I felt so alone.
**
"Oi get out of my way!" Stephen yelled, pushing me down the concrete steps at the back door. I cried out as I tumbled down and met with the harsh cement, scraping my knees and elbows.
"What're you looking at?" he sneered, I hastily looked away from him, keeping my eyes low in the hopes of deterring him from harming me.
"Yeah that's right little runt. I'm going to be Beta when I'm older - did you know that?" he asked, stalking up to me. He was fourteen and I was a very small eleven year old, I stood no chance. Tremors ran through me and I cringed away from his presence.
"Yes, I know."
"Yes, what?" he sneered, mimicking what the Alpha would say.
"Yes, sir." I replied, although the word felt bitter on my tongue.
"Are you getting sassy with me?" He asked, grabbing me roughly by my hair. I shook my head violently in protest. My ever present fear surged against its normal boundary, threatening to sweep me away.
"N-n-no sir."
"Do you need to spend a day in the cell?" he taunted, twisting my hair in his grasp, as if to test how easily it would tear from my scalp. It had grown since the lice incident, but it had never grown back quite the same and it was cut by an Omega each year.
"No sir."
"Mm..." he said, sounding mockingly unsure.
"Stephen! Stop wasting your time!" Drake, the Alpha's eldest son and predecessor called out. I liked Drake. He stopped the others from hurting me or at least he didn't join in.
Stephen grunted but left with a kick to my ribs.
**
I sighed as I lay back onto my stomach on the lumpy mattress in my attic room. The chores were finished, the night was young and I had just found a new book under a pile of unwanted clothes. Blowing off the dust, I smiled a rare smile at the worn cover - old books held much more history and worth. I was reading by the lantern light, the main hanging lightbulb had blown last year and I wasn't going to ask for a new one.
Besides, I liked the glow of candlelight as it was cosier. I loved my attic room, even if there was no wardrobe or no real bed or it was dusty or sometimes I shared it with spiders. I loved the fairy lights I had strung up, I loved the canopy I had created and I loved that it was mine. I owned everything in the room, well, at least I could pretend I did. I didn't have any money to buy my own possessions.
The book was written in another language, with a sigh, I got up and searched for a dictionary. It looked like German. With a triumphant smile my hands fell upon the only teaching tool I would ever need. I had already taught myself Spanish.
For my birthday Maple gave me an audio recorder, so I could learn how to speak the languages too. I was so overwhelmed I almost cried. It was my first birthday present.
**
"Go fetch more water." Alpha ordered. I nodded and set off towards the shack three miles away. I had been sent there three times now and couldn't help the anger rising up within me, even over coming my fear.
"Go fetch the water." I mimicked under my breath, "Why don't they fetch the bloody water!?"
By the time I reached the shack my legs were near collapse and my broken ribs were aching tremendously. I had also developed a limp, Owen must've crushed my ankle harder then I thought. I filled the bucket up with the freezing cold hosepipe water, before carrying it back with shaking arms.
They were having a campfire to commemorate Drake's shift. He would become Alpha once he found his mate.
Only when I finally made it to the massive bonfire did I sigh in relief and exhaustion.
The relief didn't last long.
Just as I stepped up past the Beta to set the bucket down I tripped over a leg and came tumbling down. I gasped in pain and the water shot out to drench the Alpha.
I was dead.
He immediately turned on me - his jaw clenched. Panic threw me into a frenzy and I scrambled to my feet. I bowed my head respectfully, bracing myself for the inevitable pain. My breaths were short and painful, the emotion so strong I almost felt nothing at all.
"I-I'm sorry Alpha, I tripped-" he cut me off with a punch to the face. I was launched back by the force, tumbling on the ground.
"You dare disrespect me!?" he roared, and gripped me by the hair painfully. I cried out - catching the attention of the pack.
"Dad, leave it." Drake chastised, "We're meant to be celebrating."
Alpha sneered at him,"You just don't want me to do this, because you're a softie."
"I am not a 'softie', you saw me shift - saw the power of my wolf."
Alpha chuckled and pushed me to the ground, he grabbed my wrist and began twisting until it would snap if he asserted only a little bit more pressure.
"Come here, son."
Drake came to stand at the Alpha's side, I could see his clear discomfort out of the corner of my eye. Although it can't have been worse than my own. I bit my lip, feeling the creaking ache tearing through my wrist.
"Snap it's wrist, show me just how strong and capable you are of leading our pack." Alpha commanded, taunting his eldest son.
"I don't think that's necessary-"
"Or does my training mean nothing? You are weak if you do not punish. You are weak if you care for this runt." He lectured the future Alpha and put a foot on my back, kicking me down. My arm was outstretched, vulnerable, as Drake tentatively took it from his father. His touch was warm and unwelcome and I flinched violently, almost ripping my wrist away but he gripped onto it tighter.
"Go on," the Alpha encouraged him and then turned to address the audience. "My people, witness your future Alpha in all his glory!"
Under the obvious pressure Drake had little resolve. He tightened his grip and twisted swiftly. The crack resonated loudly around the silent campfire, accompanied by my harsh scream. Drake quickly dropped my broken wrist and I clutched it to my chest, tears flowing down my cheeks. I caught a glimpse of the audience and there was not one sympathetic look. Maple was looking away.
"Well done son." Alpha congratulated Drake. His eyes met my pained ones and he glared. "Get to the attic," He snarled. I didn't need telling twice. I scrambled to my feet and hurried to the safety of the attic.
My attic.
**
I was burning. My body felt like it was on fire. I shook violently on the hard wood of the attic floor. A bone in my finger cracked and I cried out in pain. Soon after there was more cracking, more bones breaking. When my arm broke and twisted at an unnatural angle I screamed - a blood curling shriek.
"BE QUIET!" I heard the Alpha boom from downstairs. I wanted to comply but another bone snapped and I screamed again.
"I SWEAR TO THE GODDESS IF YOU DON'T SHUT UP, I'LL COME UP THERE AND MAKE SURE YOU DO!"
I whimpered and stuffed my arm into my mouth to stifle the screams. My body was on fire and I shivered as a bout of cold flooded through me. I was feverish now. I was shifting, I had to be. I should be excited. I've seen others shift - the pack all gather around them and get them comfortable, give them water, painkillers and mop their foreheads. I had nothing, but I knew that. I got what I deserved.
The arm in my mouth broke and I tore it away from my mouth, clenching my teeth as my hand sought out a blanket before quickly stuffing it in my mouth instead. I must stay quiet. I shivered again and briefly panicked, wondering whether this was all going wrong. A cacophony of pain enveloped me and I couldn't move, it was a pain unlike anything I had ever felt before. I had been in a lot of pain before.
I squeezed my eyes tight shut, waiting for it to pass. The pain seemed to roll away in waves, fire leaving a dull ache in its place. Eventually I could open my eyes tentatively. The room looked different, sharper, clearer. I got to my feet but collapsed, looking down to see two furry paws. I had shifted! I scrabbled to my feet, walking a few paces. I wanted to run! I wanted to be free! I soon realised there was no where I could go. The attic had a ladder. I felt confined, claustrophobic. I couldn't go anywhere.
I was trapped.
**
It was so cold. I was shivering and shaking, attempting to preserve my scrawny limbs from the clutches of the cold. The silver chains ate away at my wrists and ankles, the pain unnoticeable to me accept from the warmth it provided me. It was winter and there were no blankets in my cell. It truly was my cell. I spent as much time in it as I spent in the attic.
I deserved it though. If I hadn't forgotten about the visiting Alpha, I wouldn't have forgotten to hide away in my attic.
It was my fault.
**
Alpha raked me across the face - claws tearing into my flesh as I fell. I clutched my face with one hand, the other propping my aching body up. I wondered briefly whether this time I might actually die. I had lasted a long time - 16 years. He kicked on the soft flesh of my stomach relentlessly but I was numb. There's a certain point when you're in so much agony that you can no longer feel it. He stopped when I thought I could break no more, bones rattling with each breath.
"Get up!" he ordered. I staggered to my feet, my eyes blurry and unfocused - my head spinning. I could barely breathe or even smell past my own blood. I was helpless and weak as always. My ankle gave way. I couldn't even hold myself up as I collapsed onto my knees as they laughed.
They laughed.