"Paano ba 'yan? Talo ka bro!"
I picked up the shot and drank it. As the beat of the music changed, the people on the dance floor got louder. The disco lights reflected couples who were making out beside our table and my friends who were making out with strangers.
The bar is where I call 'home.' Making out with women is my hobby, and I get genuine pleasure from it. It was as if, I'm always satisfied with this kind of existence. My routine would always be class the hit bar afterwards. Sometimes I don't even bother going home; instead, I stay over at a friend's place instead. It's just my normal routine, and I really enjoy it.
"Shot or dare?" Brace asked me as he filled the glass with a drink.
But because I'm a very competitive person and like to explore, I chose the one with the twist.
"Dare." I strongly said.
And with my choice, I couldn't believe I'd end up talking to someone I don't really care about. But since, my friends dared me to try Macy who's flirty in anyway , I did everything I could to be close to her. Actually, my friends hate her because she is constantly picking fights with them, particularly my female friends. They want her to learn somehow.
We both made plans to meet and discuss things. I simply just tried my luck though. Ayon, pumayag naman. Papunta na sana ako ng building niya ng biglang nagkaroon ng problema. My MacBook fell on the floor! I wanted to shout so desperately! I just purchased it last weekend! Damn! Pinag-iponan ko pa!
I couldn't help but feel irritated as I cast a furious glance at the three people wearing senior high school uniforms. And I'm quite sure I've seen the girl who's face is kind of scared because of me somewhere before. She is familiar . Right! Siya pala 'yung palging achiever at sinasali sa mga contest. Her face is all around the campus.
We discuss the money issue as well as the files I've lost as a result of what they did to my laptop. Hinayaan kong bayaran 'yon ng babae at lalaki ng isang taon at ang babae namang isa ay napag-usapan naming siya ang gagawa ng nga activities ko. This will actually make my life better! I can go to parties without doing anything!
"I heard that your laptop was smashed." bungad sa akin ni Macy.
"Yeah." I lazily replied. I really don't like talking to her.
"I need something from you." she said.
Ano na naman ba 'yon? She's so boring. I just wanted to go home and sleep. Fuck this. Why am I even doing this dare?
"Name it." Kailangan ko pa talagang magpakaplastik para magawa 'yon!
Nangiti naman ito ng malawak. "Kuhanin mo nga ang loob ni Ashira. Get close to her."
Kumunot ang noo ko. Ashira? That was the girl who's doing my activities right? Ano bang kailangang niya sa kaniya?
"Why?"
"I'll tell you soon about it. Just do it for the meantime." she told me.
And because I was impatient for the dare to end already. I did what she asked me to do. I decided to meet up with Ashira because of what was in my files as well as because Macy told me so. Sinunod ko nga ang sinabi niyang kausapin siya ng isang araw pero ang mga sumunod ng araw ay kusa na ang nga paa ko at kusa ng kagustuhan ko na kausapin talaga siya.
Macy and I went to talk again after our first meeting, but I was so bored that I couldn't even pay attention to what she was saying.
I was thinking of someone else that I didn't get to hear her plans.
"Damn! Why do I keep thinking about her?" I asked myself, pertaining to the girl was both beautiful and smart.
Minsan nga hindi ko na namamalayan at nakikipagkita na lang ako sa kaniya. She's actually kind of interesting. She may have looked like she's bored, but she isn't. She has a way about her that makes you want to talk to her for a long time.
Hindi ko na rin kinausap pa pagkatapos si Macy. She was actually trying to get me to talk to her, but I didn't want to. It's a waste of time for me to talk to her. Sinabihan ko na rin ang mga kaibigan ko na ayaw ko ng makipaglaro kay Macy na 'yon kaya hinayaan na nila ako.
"Manong, pakihatid na nga lang po siya. Ayaw sumama sa akin e." bilin ko sa may tricycle driver at ibinigay ang bayad.
"Five hundred?! Hijo ang dami naman yata nito!" gulat niyang sigaw, binibigay ang pera pabalik sa akin.
Umiling lang ako. "Ayos na po 'yan. Basta maihatid niyo siya ng maayos."
"Hala! Salamat hijo! Sige sige! Ihahatid ko siya! 'Wag kang mag-alala!" he even whispered it to me. "Bakit ba kasi ayaw niyang magpahatid? May ginawa ka siguro no?"
Ngumiti ako gamit ang naiilang kong ngiti. May ginawa nga ako. At alam kong mas lalo na naman niya akong hindi magustuhan. Fuck. Nakita lang naman niya akong gumagawa na naman ng.. oh damn! I'm sure she won't like to see me again. Tama nga ang hinala ko, o baka hindi naman talaga. Pero parang iniiwasan na hindi, niya kasi ako.
"Drazen tignan mo si prof oh!" tatawa-tawang tinuro ni Adrian ang isang prof namin na hinahangin na ang mga papeles.
Agad ko itong binatukan. "Gago! Tulungan mo nga!"
"Hmp! Ayoko! Ang sungit niyan!" sabi niya pa.
Pasalamat siya dahil nasa good mood ako. Tinulungan ko itong hakutin ang mga papeles at sa hindi inaasahang pagkakataon ay nakita ko ang personal info ni Ashira! Kapag naman talaga sinuswerte! Pinasimplehan kong kinuha 'yon at sinabing aayusin pero ang totoo ay pinicture'n ko ito!
"Salamat Drazen." sabi ng prof ko ng ibigay ko na ang mga papeles.
Ngumiti na lamang ako sa kaniya. "No problem po! Salamat din!"
Nagtaka pa ito pero iniwanan ko na. Wala na rin pala 'yung kasama kong si Adrian! Pucha naman! Buti na lang nakuha ko na ang number niya! Makikipagkita na naman ako sa kaniya!
"Shit! I'm fucking late! Fuck!" Inis kong bulong habang naglalakad.
Kung sana kasi hindi kami nag-overtime! Sana hindi pa 'yon galit sa akin ngayon!
Nang makarating nga ako sa library ay wala na si Ashira. Kinailangan ko pang ilibot ang tingin ko at nakitang palabas na ito ng campus. I held her hand to stopped her from walking. I saw how shocked she was, she looks like she's also gonna cry. Fuck!
I'd always want to see her, but she wouldn't feel the same way about me. She really doesn't like me. A lot. She told me that she hate me because of my doings. That I play with girls. She didn't even wanted to see me at all. Halata naman kasi kapag magkasama kami parang gustong-gusto na niyang umuwi. Does she hate me that much?
Yes. She hates me for being a jerk. That is why I made the decision one day to completely change myself for her and for me. And suddenly, one day, I realized that I was already beginning to like her. Damn! I never treated any girl this way. I've never been a soft boy. I don't know what's going on, but I would do anything to protect her, even if it meant taking her home, serving her, fetching her, and everything else.
"Oh! Drazen, anak! Anong naisip mo at umuuwi ka na ngayon dito sa bahay?" bungad ni Mommy sa akin.
I took a deep breath and started to walked past her. "Naisip ko po na may bahay pala tayo kaya umuwi ako."
"Talaga Kuya? Or maybe you're scared that Ate Ashi-" tinakpan ko agad ang bunganga ni Dion.
I don't want them to know about Ashira because I know they'll eventually ask me to bring her here. Baka mamaya mas lalong matakot 'yon sa akin!
"I'll go sleep na. Good night." Hinalikan ko ang kanilang noo'ng dalawa bago pumasok na sa kwarto ko.
Akala ko maitatago ko si Ashira pero masyadong malakas yata ang amoy ni Mommy. She even came up with ways for her to come to our house. Kahit na may mautosan naman itong designer, si Ash pa talaga ang pinili! Doon ko rin nagsimulang aminin ang totoong nararamdaman ko. And just like that, I had no idea she would also like me!
We recently started dating each other, and things are going really well between us. Mahal ko siya at mahal din naman niya ako. Wala naman kaming problemang dalawa. O 'yon lang talaga ang akala ko kasi pagkatapos ng nangyari sa amin sa Palawan ay biglang umiba ang mood niya.
"We're done." she coldly said.
Umalis na ako pagkatapos dahil panigurado akong hindi ko siya makakausap ng matino. Parang nag-aapoy ito ng galit dahil sa akin. Kaya naman tiniis ko itong hindi kausapin ng ilang linggo kahit na gustong-gusto ko na. I would always check on her even on those days we don't talk to each other. Pinapabantayan ko pa ito sa mga barkada ko kapag sila ay walang pasok.
"Van is the name!" Adrian informed me.
"Van. Ano sasakyan?" Inis kong sabi.
"Gago mo!" Tumawa pa ito ng malakas kasama ang iba pa naming barkada.
Hinawakan naman ako sa balikat ni Lienzo. "Bro, 'wag kang mag-alala, mukhang hindi naman gusto ni Ashira."
"Hindi nga gusto pero paano kapag mafall?" pang-iinis pa ni Brace.
"Can you please shut up?!"
Natahimik naman silang agad at hindi na nagsalita. Ashra and I were still not okay when Dion's birthday party came around. I thought I could make her my partner, but in the end, I was alone. Umiyak pa si Dion dahil hindi nakita si A. He was expecting her to attend to his birthday party.
"Ate and I had a fight." Pagsasabi ko ng totoo dahil hindi ito matigil sa pag-iyak. "Kakausapin ko siya. Makikita mo na siya soon."
Tumango naman ang kapatid ko. Doon lamang yata suya tumigil sa pag-iyak nang sabihan ko siyang aayusin ko na ang relasyon naming dalawa ni A. Pagkabalik ko nga ng eskwelahan ay hindi na ako nag-aksaya pa ng oras.
I also think it's my intuition, since I found out she was pregnant on that day. She was carrying our child. More than anyone else, she needs me. She needs someone to trust. I understand how hard it was for her, so I'll be there for her.
"I'm scared, Razen. This is a big responsibility!" she worriedly said.
"As long as I'm here, you don't need to be scared." I stated. "Sasaluhin ko lahat ng ibabato sa'yo ng mundo. Hindi kita pababayaan."
Although it is a responsibility that will last a lifetime, I am willing to take it on. I will be with her through it all.
I was shivering as I drove her to the hospital with blood on her thighs. If her father hadn't just treated her like that. Hindi sana ito mangyayari sa kania. I was anxious the entire time I waited for the doctor to examine her. Pati ang Mama niya ay hindi rin mapakali.
"Is there anything we need to do for the baby?" Tanong ko sa doctor.
"As I mentioned previously, she should minimize stress, eat healthy foods, drink water, and get adequate rest, but you don't need to worry too much; just be cautious. "
I listened to the advice that the doctor gave us. I was quite cautious about her. Sinusundan ko nga siya kahit saan siya magpunta. I think it's great that her mother suggested she stay with us. I can now check on her at any time. Mas napanatag din ang loob ko dahil alam kong nasa malapit lang siya. Naproblemahan lang na naman ako ng mag-seminar ito sa malayo. Hindi pa naman one day lang!
I even have school, which makes it impossible for me to be with her. Therefore, I immediately made the decision to visit her after my class. Dederetso na lang ako doon di bale ng mag-drive ako ng ilang oras.
"Room 112." I whispered as I got out of my car.
Ngunit agad din akong napatigil nang matanaw ko si Ashira na may kasamang iba. Halata itong naiinis na habang kinakausap ng lalaki. I don't know why, but for some reason, my heart hurts. Kahit kita ko naman na ayaw niya talaga sa lalaki. I don't like her seeing with someone else.
"Are you still jealous?" Tanong niya ulit.
Ngumisi ako. "What will you do if I say yes?"I eventually brought my face closer to her. "I'm no longer jealous. Bakit naman ako magseselos sa lalaking 'yon? Ako ang mahal mo e."
I caught of her off guard, ngunit nakabawi rin ito.
"Dapat lang. We we're just talking casually earlier." she firmly said.
Oh. I have never been in a better mood than I am right now. She is, to some extent, acknowledging that she is mine, and that I am for her. Nakakaselos nga lang ng kaonti dahil parang magkakilala na sila ng matagal, based sa pinagsasabi ng lalaking 'yon kahit hindi naman pala talaga!
Our bond grew stronger as time went on. After class, I would always fetch her from her classroom. I would do everything for her. Gabi-gabi nga ay hinihintay ko itong nakakatulog at pagkatapos ay paulit-ulit kong hinahalikan ang tiyan at mukha niya. My two babies are too adorable, I guess.
"Take care of Mommy alright? Daddy will just take the practice and then we can be together again later."
Tahimik lang ako sa gilid habang nagprapractice kami ng biglang tumunog ng malakas ang telepono ko. I saw, A's mom phone number on the screen of my phone. I quickly answered it.
"Drazen you have to come to the hospital now." she said in a trembling voice.
Hindi pa man nagsisink-in sa akin ang sinabi pero agad ko ng hinalungkat ang mga gamit ko.
"Where are you going again Drazen?!" Rinig ko pang sigaw ng prof ko pero hindi ko na ito nilingon.
Fuck! My girlfriend is in the hospital! Mamaya na lang akong magpapaliwanag!
"What happened Tita?" Kinakabahan kong tanong patungo na sa sasakyan ko.
"D-Dinugo siya tapos.... Tapos 'yung bata, Drazen." she sobbed.
Pinatay ko na ito agad at binilisan ang pagmamaneho. I need to see it by myself. Hindi totoo 'yon. Hindi...
I thought everything was going well, but it wasn't at all. I never imagined that this would hurt as much as it does. My heart was breaking for our baby who had passed away. But I need to stay strong. Even though it hurts me, I know that Ashira is experiencing something much worse than I am. She is in greater pain than I am right now.
Bago ko pa sila pakawalan ay may kung anong kutob na akong naramdaman na parang may mali. I finally understand why people always tell you to follow your intuition; after all, if I had just listened to it in the first place, none of this would have happened. Sana hindi nawala ang anak namin, sana nakita pa namin siyang lumaki.
"Drazen! I've been looking for you!" Napatingin ako kay Macy. "Now, you can do whatever you want with me."
"What the fuck are you talking about?" Inis kong tanong sa kaniya.
She just smirked and came up to me, pero bago pa man itong makalapit ng lubusan sa akin ay hinatak ko na ito papuntang likuran ng campus.
"You can fuck me."
Halos masuka ako ng sabihin niya 'yon. Binitawan ko agad ito at tinignan ng masama.
"Fuck you? Oh, no thanks." I almost vomited.
"Hindi ba 'yon naman talaga ang habol mo sa akin? And now that I've already gotten what I wanted in life, not that I've already gotten my Dad from that Ashira, I'll let you get your prize?"
"Dad? Ano bang pinagsasabi mo?!" Bulyaw ko dito.
"Nakalimutan mo na ba Drazen? I told you that my plan is to take her Dad away from her, and now, with your help, I've done it. Binuntis mo pa talaga. Ngunit salamat naman dahil doon mas napadali ang plano ko. Amin na lang si Daddy ngayon." Tatawa-tawa pa ito ng malakas.
Unti-unting nag-sink in sa akin ang lahat. So, siya nga ang anak ni Tito Larry sa labas? Fuck! She played a trick on us to get Ashira's father away from her and make her feel bad. And fuck! It's all my fault. I didn't know.... Nagkaroon pa ako ng koneksyon sa kaniya ng hindi ko nalalaman. Ang alam pa ng babaeng ito ay ginawa ko ang plano niya! Kahit hindi naman talaga!
"Your fucking father killed our child! You fucking killed her! My daughter!" My voice thundered.
Tutal Tatay naman daw niya 'yon. Might as well tell her. Ngunit parang siraulo na ito. Iba-iba na ang pinagsasabi sa akin. She really thought that I had been going along with her plan the whole time. Na mahal ko raw siya kahit hindi naman. Wala nga akong sinabi na gusto ko siya. She's crazy. I could tell that.
"Iiwan ko na siya sa'yo."
Napatingin ako sa nagsalita noon. Biglang nawasak yata ang mundo ko ng makitang umiiyak si Ashira. Did she hear everything? She heard things that were not true. Fuck! Hindi totoo lahat ng sinabi ng babae na 'to.
"Fuck you! Hindi pa tayo tapos!" Gigil kong sabi kay Macy.
Hinabol ko si Ashira ng mabilisan at parang mawawalan na ako ng hininga. My heart was breaking in pieces. I don't even know what she was thinking anymore. I felt like it's the end for me. Hindi ko kaya, siguradong hindi ko siya makakayanan kapag nawala siya sa akin.
"Mag-uusap tayo, Drazen. Just give me space for now."
I gave her some space, which turned into weeks, months, and years. I waited almost 7 years for her.
Bigong-bigo nga ako ng una kong malaman na wala na ang mga ito. I went to their house, but there was no one there when I got there. They could not be found anywhere.
"Saan po sila nagpunta?" pagtatanong ko sa kapit-bahay nila.
"Hindi ko rin alam hijo e. Basta bigla na lang silang umalis. Maraming gamit e." sabi niya.
"Ah sige po. Salamat. Pakitawagan niyo naman po kapag may alam na kayo tungkol sa kanila." Inabot ko ang calling card ko dito.
Nang matapos ako doon ay dumaan din ako sa bahay nila Sydney. Mukhang may okasyon pa sila dahil madami silang mga bisita. Hindi na talaga kasi ako makatulog kakaisip sa kanila. Ilang araw ng hindi ko na sila nakikita.
"Ano?! Wala sila?!" Malakas na tanong ni Sydney.
"Kaya nga tinatanong kita kung alam mo." sabi ko.
Umawang ang labi niya at umiling-iling. "Believe me! Hindi ko talaga alam! Last na kaming nag-usap noong may pasok pa!"
"'Wag mo naman na akong pahirapin, Syd. Parang awa mo na sabihin mo na sa akin."
Napaupo na ako sa may couch nila. Wala na akong alam kung mayroon man makakita sa itsura ko basta lang mahanap ko si Ashira.
Malungkot akong tinignan ni Syd. "Drazen, wala talaga akong ideya, pero babalitaan kita kapag nalaman ko."
The years passed so swiftly, and there was no news of them at all during that time. Nagsimula na rin akong mag-part time job dahil sa kagustuhang ipakulong ang taong pumatay sa anak namin ni Ashira. I worked the night shift even though it was exhausting because I wanted to provide justice for our unborn kid.
"Drazen, maawa ka naman sa akin!" Macy's dad was pleading me.
"Naawa ba kayo ng pagkaisahan niyo ang mag-ina ko?!" I fired at them. "Hindi! Kaya bakit ako maaawa sa inyo?!"
Umiiyak na ito. "P-Please-"
"I'm done. " I just cut him off.
Inaaresto na siya ng Pulis. I made sure that he'll rot on jail, if not forever then maybe for sometime. I want him to learn. Nagsisilabasan na rin ang nga kapit-bahay nila. Pati ang anak niya sa labas at ang kabit nito. Nagmamakaawa sila sa akin pero wala akong balak i-atras man ito. I'm done with them.
Nakapagtapos din ako ng pag-aaral. After completing my degree in Political Science, I got a job at the town hall, and then, after working there for a year, I took over my Dad's job. I took care of all of his duties and responsibilities as a Mayor of our town. At first, it was hard for me, but I got used to it over time. Hanggang sa doon ko na lamang itinuon lahat ng atensyon ko habang hinahanap si Ashira.
"Mayor, may assembly po mamaya kila Mayor Ancheta." my secretary informed me.
"Okay..."
Halos wala na nga akong ganang maki-attend pa. I can just send my secretary off but since my responsibilities flash on my mind. I decided to eventually go. Beside its just going to be an hour or less.
I had just completed my other duties at the time, and I promptly traveled with my secretary and driver to their municipality. The municipal building was packed with people as we arrived. Pagkapasok namin ay bumungad sa amin ang palakad-lakad na mga nagtratrabaho doon.
"Sa taas po tayo Mayor." sabi ng sekretarya ko.
Tumango ako at sinundan ito. A number of people stopped to greet me as I climbed up the stairs. Ngini-ngitian ko na lang sila pabalik. As soon as I reached the right floor, my body froze and my heart began to race as I heard a familiar soothing voice. I looked around to see who it was, and based on the person's back, I already knew who it was.
Hawak ang papel ay unti-unti itong humarap sa may direksyon ko. Hindi na ako nagsayang pa ng oras at agad na niyakap ito ng mahigpit. Fuck! I don't care what the opinions of other people are, all I want to do right now is hug her. I miss her so much.
"Do you want to hear my explanation now?" I said that it almost was a whisper.
Kumunot ang noo niya. "What?"
"Did I gave you enough time already? Or it is still not enough? I can wait." desperado kong sabi.
"Hindi kita maintindihan."
"You told me back then to give you space." I said. "Ayos na ba 'yon? Pwede na ba tayong mag-usap? Kakausapin mo na ba ako?"
'Yon ang una kong sinabi. Baka kasi handa na itong dinggin ang eksplanasyon ko, baka sapat na 'yung space na binigay ko sa kaniya. Akala ko magiging maayos na kami ulit pero ayaw na pala akong pakinggan. Tumakbo it palayo sa akin, ang ang tila'y pag-alis niya ay dumudurog na naman sa akin.
But I still did try my best. Binayaran ko ang hindi nila nababayaran na tax ng lupa kahit alam kong kaya naman niya. Gusto ko lang magpapansin e. Pagkatapos naman ay inihatid ko ito sa may sa may law firm, kakilala ko pala 'yung pupuntahan niya. Nakuryoso nga ako kung bakit siya nandoon pero hindi ko na tinanong pa dahil baka mas malasin pa ako sa kaniya.
I thought that was the end of our conversation, but thank God, siya na ang lumalapit sa akin o baka nag-iimagine lang talaga ako ng things.
We met up again at an event, and luckily we also stayed in the same room. Buong magdamag yata ay pinagmamasdan ko siya habang natutulog. I want to thank that ghost for scaring her. Ang bagsak magkasama kaming dalawa.
"You're single huh?" bulong ko sa kaniya habang ito'y natutulog.
Parang nasisiraan na ako dahil kinakausap ko itong natutulog. I just found out she doesn't have a husband earlier, I thought all along she's married. Kung bakit may singsing kasi sa may pang-apat na daliri niya. Tangina. Nawalan na ako ng pag-asa noong nakita ko 'yon.
"Spark! 'Wag kang tumae diyan!" Sinusubukan ko itong hilahin paalis ng bermuda.
Fuck! Wala pa akong dala kahit isang tissue man lang!
Akmang hihilahin ko na naman ito ng bigla na lamang niyang tinae! Shit! I'll just get a tissue or a daspan at home! Babalikan ko na lang ito.
"Hey! Hey! Hey! Where are you going stranger?" My head turned to a little girl who was I think five years old.
"To my hous-"
"Then how about the poo your dog made?" nakapameywang na ito ngayon.
"I'll just get a dust pan at home." I said.
Magkasalubong lang ang nga kilay nito. "Don't scam me! I know you just don't like to clean that poo!"
Napatalon ito nang biglang tumahol si Spark. Napahawak pa siya ng mahigpit sa teddy bear niya. She looked scared by what happened. Yet I'm finding her cute. She even looks familiar to me like I've already seen her image back before.
"Spark!" Tumahimik naman ang aso ko.
"Isusumbong kita kay Mommy! Stupid dog! Stupid stranger!" she angrily said.
What the? This little girl is so different. Pinalaki ba 'to ng magulang niya? Hay nako! Kapag ako nagkaanak, sisiguraduhin kong hindi gaya ng nasa harapan ko!
"I'm not stupid!" sabi ko naman.
"Yes you are! Even your dog! Your dog is crazy!" singhal pa niya. "I'll tell Mommy about this! I hate you!"
"E di sige! Sabihin mo! Hindi ako natatakot sa Mommy mo!"
Hindi ko alam kung magsisisi ba ako sa sinabi ko. When I found out who was her mother, parang binato ako ng libo-libong libro. I was shocked by the news, especially when I found out that she was my daughter. Mapapahilamos na lang talaga ako ng mukha. Fuck!
Ang una kong naisip ay noong kinaaway ko ito. Shit! Baka mas lalong aayawan niya ako dahil sa ginawa ko. But as time went on, we got closer, and now she wants to be with me every day. Nasiyahan ang puso ng sobra. This is the best and saddest day of my life. Our Ashra made it but her twin didn't.
The world is a bit unfair right now. We lost the twin of Ashra. I'm really devastated. I hope that wherever Ashra's twin is right now, she or he is happy and at peace. I wish that our second child is looking down on us from heaven.
Ang dami na ring nangyari. After we had taken care of our family issues, Ashira and I got married, and then they also made the decision to return back to Canada. Wala naman talaga akong planong sumunod sa kanila pero bawat araw kasi ay mas lalo ko silang namimiss kaya nagdesisyon din agad akong bumili ng ticket at sinundan sila. When I got there, they were already on their way out. They looked shocked as they see me in front of their door.
"Daddy!" Si Ashra ang unang yumakap sa akin. Binuhat ko ito at agad hinalikan.
"Did you miss Daddy?" I asked her.
Tumango-tango ito at nagsimula na naman maiyak. My gaze traveled to my wife, who was just standing there still. Nginitian ko ito at lumapit sa kaniya.
"Aren't you gonna hug-"
Naputol 'yon ng bigla na lamang niya akong niyakap. I moved my hand up to her waist and continued to bring her closer to me while I kissed the side of her head. Ganon din ang ginawa ko sa anak namin.
"Why are you here? Ayos lang ba na narito ka? Wala ka bang trabaho?" Humiwalay na ito sa akin.
I chuckled. "Isa-isa lang."
"Bakit kasi nandito ka?!" Pinalo pa niya ako sa balikat. "Babalik din naman kami!"
My expression quickly changed. Anong ibig niyang sabihin?
"Babalik?" I confusedly stared at her.
"Oo! Tatapusin ko na lang hanggang end of this month ang trabaho ko dito! Si Ashra pwede ko naman ng kunin siya! Kaya hanapan mo siya ng magandang eskwelahan!"
I blinked. What she is saying is still too complicated for me to absorb. The fuck? They are going back to the Philippines?
"Ha? E.. paano ang trabaho mo?" Tanong ko.
"I realize I can still work in the Philippines as a nurse." sabi niya. "Kapag ikaw ang pumunta dito, mas magulo. E doon sa Pilipinas makakapagtrabaho pa rin naman ako habang nagtratrabaho ka rin."
"Well, I can still work here." I told her.
She just shook her head. "Hindi na. Uuwi na lang kami. Kasama rin namin si Mama."
"Kahit sino pang isama mo. Basta doon kayo sa bahay natin." sabi ko.
Sabay kaming umuwi ng Pilipinas. We just process Ashra's school papers and then went back to the Philippines. After landing, I immediately went to work. Marami akong nahold na mga paper works dahil sa pagpunta ko ng Canada. Kaya naman talagang bumawi ako, naintindihan naman ng mag-ina ko.
I've never been happier than I am right now. I couldn't thank God enough for all the good things he did for me. Even though the wait was so long, it was worth it. Sino ba namang mag-aakala na sa hinaba-haba ng panahon, sa akin pa rin siya.
"I'm home." bulong ko at hinalikan ang tuktok ng ulo ng mag-ina ko.
They had already fallen deep into slumber. It is currently ten o'clock in the evening. I finished up my last bit of overtime because tomorrow we have something planned. I was able to finish the papers and work on time, which meant that I already had time to unwind and be at peace with my family.
Nagising na ako ng medyo late kinabukasan. Si Ashra na lang ang nasa tabi ko, nanonood na naman ito ng paborito niyang palabas sa umaga. Nakaligo na rin pala ito. Ganon na ba ako ka-late nagising? Palagi kasi e nauuna ako sa pagligo.
"Ashra, where's Mommy?" I asked her. "Ashra, nasaan si Mommy mo?" Kinailangan ko pa itong ulitin dahil ang atensyon niya ay nasa TV!
Tumingin ito sa akin pero agad ring binalik ang tingin sa screen. "Uh, Mommy went out."
"Where? Hindi ba niya sinabi sa'yo?" Tano ko na naman.
"N-No- She's so pretty! Daddy! Look!" she even pointed the TV.
Dahil wala naman akong makukuhang sagot sa kaniya ay tumayo na ako. I went downstairs and saw a few of the workers there. Nag-hire na kami ng kasama namin sa bahay dahil walang magbabantay kay Ashra. Palagi pa naman kaming nagtratrabaho ni Ashira, nurse na rin kasi ito ngayon dito sa probinsiy, nakapasok din siya agad.
But regardless of how busy we are with work, we always find time for our daughter. Lumalabas kami kapag weekends at maaga ring umuuwi ng bahay para makasama ito. Dinadaanan ko na lamang ito tuwing hapon at sabay na kaming umuuwi ng bahay,
"Nasaan ang ma'am niyo?" Tanong ko sa kanila. Naglalabas ang mga ito ng mga gagamitin namin para mamaya.
"Ah e sir! Ayaw po kayong gisingin ni ma'am kanina! Kaya siya na lang ang pumunta sa palengke!" sagot ni Bebe sa akin.
What? Nag-usap naman kami tungkol dito na kaming dalawa na lang ang mamalengke. Minsan talaga matigas pa rin ang ulo.
I instructed them to continue their work and dialed my phone. Pero cannot be reached lang 'yon. Damn. In the end, I was unable to do anything and had no choice but to wait for her at our house. Sinalubong ko agad ito nang marinig ko ang boses niya sa may gate namin. Nag-tricycle pa talaga mag-isa. Ang dami pa naman niyang pinamili.
Binitbit ko na ang hawak niyang mabigat na box. Pinakuha ko naman sa iba ang mga pinamili niya pang nasa may tricyle.
"You should've taken our car." I told her.
"Are you forgetting something?" Patanong niyang sabi. "Wala ako lisensya. Gusto mo bang mahuli ako?"
"Baby, that's not what I meant. Nariyan naman si Mang Nerson na ipag-drive ka." sabi ko.
Nauna na itong naglakad. "May ginagawa kasi siya kanina. Tsaka nakaya ko naman. Next time na lang."
Parang ako nakatali sa kaniya. Kung saan kasi ito pupunta ay susunod ako. Wala na akong pakialam kung mairita ito sa akin. Basta gusto ko siyang makita. Nang nagtungo na naman ito sa kwarto namin ay sinundan ko na naman. Nadatnan pa nga namin si Ashra na nanonood pa rin.
I just followed Ashra in our walk-in-closet. She took her clothes off in front of me with no warning. Kumuha ito ng malaking t-shirt ko at 'yon isinuot. Hindi ko na tuloy napigilan ang sarili ko at kusa na akong lumapit sa kaniya at hinalikan ito sa labi.
"Razen! Don't start!" saway niya dito at tinulak ako.
"No good morning kiss?" pagpapaawa ko pa dito kahit na nahalikan ko naman siya.
"You just kissed me!" she said.
"But you didn't kiss me back!" I said to her too.
Hindi na ito nakipagtalo pa sa akin at hinalikan na ako. I changed her light kiss into one that was deep and sensual. I sucked her tongue and then cupped her breast with my right hand. Before I could finally put my hand on the inside of her shirt, she stopped me.
"Magluluto ako Razen." mariin niyang sabi. "Mabuti pa puntahan mo sila Lola Uring para sa paluwalo."
Iniwan niya na ako pagkatapos at bumaba na. Oh, then maybe tonight.
Nagpasama na lang ako sa may nakakaalam sa bahay nila Lola Uring. Hindi kasi ako masyadong maalam sa mga direksyon. Gladly, with the help of Mang Nelson, mabilis kong natunton ang bahay niya.
"Sino ang ipapadasal niyo hijo?" Tanong ni Lola Uring. Hindi pa naman ito masyadong matanda. Kaya pa niya sigurong magbuhat ng ilang libro.
"Uh, 'yung anak po namin." mahina kong sabi.
"Anak niyo? E di ba meron pa naman si Ashra?" she asked me again.
"'Yung isa po. Ang kambal niya po ang ipapadasal namin,"
Umawang ang labi nito parang nasorpresa sa nalaman. Umalis na rin kami pagkatapos. Ipapasundo ko na lang siya ulit mamaya kay Mang Nelson. Habang nagluluto sila A, ay inaalagan ko naman si Ashra. Paano ba naman ako lang ang pinapakinggan. Nilalaro kasi ang mga rekado kanina, kung hindi pa ako dumating ay paniguradong wala na silang matatapos lahat.
Nang sumapit na ang hapon ay nagsimula na kaming makipagdasal kay Lola Uring. We wanted to pray for our child in the hope that he might be able to sense our presence even if only momentarily. Atsaka matagal na sana naman itong ginawa, para mag-alay sa kaniya ng dasal na ikakatahimik niya.
"The fifth mystery," pabulong na sabi ni Lola Uring.
After the prayer, everyone went to our dining area to get something to eat. Habang ako ay nasa harapan pa rin ng maliit na altar namin. I was paralyzed and unable to move because my heart was breaking for him. If only I had been aware of Macy's plan, he might have been able to make it. If I had been by Ashira's side throughout, he may have been here. it. If I had only been a responsible parent, he might still be with us now.
I have a lot of regrets from my life, but this one hits me the hardest since it is the most difficult thing I have ever done. My guilt is devouring me, and it has taken over every aspect of my being. I am the one who is to blame for this. I should be.
Naupo ako sa may couch at pinagmasdan ang kandilang unti-unti ng nauupos. I wasn't even aware that Ashira and Ashra were already sitting beside me and rubbing my back. Hinawakan ko ang mukha ko at doon ko lamang natanto na umiiyak na pala ako.
"Yes, it's painful, but you should also set yourself free, Razen. Stop blaming yourself, love."
Bumaba si Ashra sa pagkakaupo sa hita ni Ashira at tumayo sa may harapan ng kandila. She stared at it as the candle began to melt in its own way. I forced myself to hold back my tears because I didn't want Ashra to be able to overhear me crying. I bit my lower lip and closed my eyes tightly as I imagined the what could've beens and the images we may have today if the tragedy didn't happened.
Napahinga ako ng malalim ng maramdaman ang kirot sa aking puso. Ang sakit... ang sakit sakita. Bakit ang anak pa namin ang nawala?
"Inalagaan ko silang dalawa e," I sobbed. "Pero bakit isa lang ang nandito ngayon?"
My wife's face was also filled with tears. She wiped them with her own hands shakingly.
"That's what meant to happen. Naniniwala ako na may rason lahat." My wife started as she wiped my tears and smiled at me.
My hearts goes out to our unborn child who left the earth so early. Niyakap ako ni Ashira at inilagay ang ulo sa may balikat ko. She hushed me and reassured me that everything is fine.
"Sometimes life just happens, let his soul and our souls run free into the wild now."
Isinandal ko ang aking ulo sa kaniya at marahang tinapik-tapik ang nakapatong kong kamay sa kaniya. Nagpakawala ako ng isang malalim na hininga. I think it's time. It is finally time to release our grip and set our sos free to wander wherever they want.
"Letting go is the key to happiness. No matter how much you wanted to always remember the past, there's nothing new to see there."
She's right. We can't live in the version of the past forever. But we can live in the present with our angel and our family today. We can live in the present without thinking of what happened in the past. The past is already behind, so we'll just learn from it.
My wife, who I hurt, is here beside me now, trying to calm me down while embracing me with love. I still can't believe that she's here and making me feel okay after all the pain I've caused her by accident. She's embracing each flaws I have and blames I have for myself. I love her so much. I love my family. And I will continue to love them forever.
I kissed her on the head and told Ashra to join us. I hugged them so tight that I could feel a cold wind blowing through us. Nanindig ang balahibo ko at nalaman na agad kung sino 'yon.
"Our souls hold each other for eternity. No one tells me otherwise."