Shocked. That was the first emotion I felt and the first expression that appeared on my face. From my point of view, it was simply unimaginable at such a high level that Drazen could do that. I assumed back then that he had already forgotten about what had happened to our baby. Knowing that Drazen, is someone who can simply move forward with life easily.
That plan did not even cross my head. There was this cloud in my head before, stopping me from thinking such these things. Ang nasa utak ko na lang noon ay ang anak naming nawala. I couldn't explain it, but upon hearing the news and realizing that Drazen had created something for our child who had been taken away, I felt a sense of calm and relief in my heart.
Nakulong si Cabrera at dahil 'yon kay Drazen. He even did part-time job in order to continue with the case. He also struggled through the most difficult period of his life, much like I did when I was going through a challenging period of my life. He was hurting too, and he was shattered too, but I was blind to his suffering and his brokenness.
"Here," inilahad nito ang brown envelope. "There are pictures there, documents, that can testify that, that man really went to jail,"
I did nothing except stare at the envelope that he was handing me before pushing it back in his direction.
"I have no need for proof to believe you. I trust you, Drazen." I sincerely said as we strolled through the park.
Nalaglag ang panga nito na parang hindi makapaniwala sa sinabi ko. I am extremely grateful to him for providing justice for our child. Kung hindi dahil sa lalaking 'yon, narito siguro ang isa naming anak at masaya kaming lahat. That man ruined me. His family ruined me.
"Salamat." pabulong 'kong sabi.
Kasi kahit na may ginawa ito sa akin na hindi ko man nagustuhan, nararamdaman ko na bumabawi ito. And I believe that is sufficient for me to finally release my heart from the unspoken emotions of the years gone by.
"Salamat ulit sa pagtulong sa amin sa annulment nila ni Mama." saad ko.
Tumigil ito sa paglalakad at hinarap ako. "Hindi mo na kailangan pang magpasalamat. Kulang pa nga 'yon."
Huminga ako ng malalim bago ibinaling ang tingin sa kalangitan sa kanan namin na unti-unti ng nagiging kahel. Punong-puno ang parke ng mga nagsisilarong mga bata. Mayroon rin sa mga gilid ang mga nagtitinda ng mga laruan at mga cyclists na nagpapahinga sa bermuda.
Naupo kaming dalawa ni Drazen sa may bench at doon pinagmasdan ang magandang tanawin sa harapan namin. I exhaled heavily and freely as I reflected on the fact that our agenda here in the Philippines had been completed. We can now return back to Canada and continue the life that we had before coming back here.
I don't know why, but I felt like a piece of me was suffering on the inside. It breaks my heart to think that there will be people we'll leave behind, but such is the reality of life. We'll soon be heading back home. Kailangan lang nating masanay ulit.
"I didn't truly know what her plans are," he muttered out in the midst of silence.
Tuloy ay napatingin ako sa kaniya ng buo. Ang kaniyang atensyon ay nasa may kalangitan lang, dinadama rin ang hangin na nanggagaling sa mga puno at halaman.
"Why are we talking about this now?" I curiosly asked him.
Pero imbes na sagutin ako ay pinagpatuloy lang ang sinasabi. "The day you broke my MacBook was pure accident. It wasn't planned, A."
"I told you to keep you-"
"Just let me talk please. Just this time, Ash. At kung ano man ang desisyon mo pagkatapos nito ay tatanggapin ko." he cut me off.
I bit my lip and looked away for a few seconds as I struggled to catch my breath by the topic he just brought. Is this the right time to listen? Wala namang mawawala no? Tsaka sigurado akong babalik pa rin naman kami sa Canada.
"Sige, ipagputuloy mo," I nod signaling him to talk.
I saw how his whole face lit up with hope and happiness. Hope, it can really bring so much manifestations for people huh? Hope what are you?
"I was never truly involved to her deeper plans. Ang siyang sinunod ko lang talaga ay ang utos niya sa akin na kausapin ka. However, that is only a one-day order from her that I did; the rest is my feet coming to you and my soul driving me to you."
"Hindi kita maintindihan..." I do understand some, but other details are still blurry.
"Ang akala niya ay nakikipagkita ako sa'yo dahil 'yon ang inutos niya sa akin." He paused. "Pero ang totoo talaga niyan ay hindi 'yon dahil sa utos niya o plano man niya. Ako talaga ang may gustong makipagkita sa'yo. Dahil gusto ko, hindi dahil gusto niya."
"Pero ang sabi niya plinano niyo lahat!" giit ko.
"Yon ang akala niya. When we first met, she assumed I was listening to her plans, but I wasn't. Ni hindi ko nga alam ang talagang plano niya. Nalaman ko na lamang ang tunay na plano niya ng makunan ka." he explained a bit.
Kumunot ang noo ko. So all along, Drazen didn't really know her plans? Lahat ba ng sinabi ng babae na 'yon ay kasinungalingan? Have I been fooled by her lies?
"Hindi mo alam ang plano niya?" paninigurado ko.
He shook his head. "She fooled you into believing that I was aware of her plans even if I wasn't listening to them."
"Not listening? I don-"
"Nagkita kami ng matapos tayong magkita noon. I had no idea that she was already informing me about her plans." he said. "I actually don't know that her ultimate plan is to take your father away from you and make you a disappointment. Sa huli ko na lang talaga nalaman."
So wala nga ding alam si Drazen? Bakit ang galing ng babaeng 'yon magtago ng mga plano niya? Pero bakit hindi man lang narinig ni Drazen?
"What were you doing that prevented you from hearing her plans?" inis kong tanong.
He could've heard it! Ano ba kasi ang pinaggagawa niya noon?
He swallowed hard. "Well... I was... busy finding your social media."
"What?!" napahiyaw na ako dahil ang useless ng rason niya.
Dahil lang sa social media ko?! I don't even have social media's back then!
"Hindi naman kasi importante ang mga sinasabi niya." pagrarason niya pa. "Mas importante ka."
Wala sa oras na sinapak ko ito. Ngumuso naman ito. What the?! Sasabihin niya talaga 'yon ngayon na nasa gitna kami ng pag-uusap.
"Oh shut up, Drazen. E bakit kayo magkakilala?" Tanong ko na naman.
Kagat-labi itong tumingin sa akin. "I was a playboy back then, A. And so..."
"So?" Taas kilay kong tanong.
"D-Do I n-need to say it?" he was stuttering.
"Malamang! Paano ko malalaman?!" Naiinis na talaga ako.
"Natalo kasi ako sa isang laro sa bar noon. So the punishment w-was to... uh... t-try h-her?" nakayuko na ito at hindi makatingin sa akin.
Wow! So try her huh? Aba! Bakit ba kasi nakipaglaro-laro?!
"So you bed her?"
"No! Believe me hindi!" mabilis nitong sagot.
"Pero bakit niya sinabi noong nag-uusap kayo na gusto mo siya?" I asked.
Dinilaan nito ang kaniyang kabi. "Pinalabas ko lang na gusto ko siya para mas mapabilis na. Sabi ng kaibigan ko magpanggap ako na may gusto ako sa kaniya at dinggin lahat ng sasabihin niya. Kaya ang alam niya ay gusto ko siya pero ang totoo ay hindi." He said. "Ang akala niya pa ay sinunod ko ang plano niya pero hindi."
"Oh yeah." sarkastiko 'kong sagot. "Baka naman kasi talaga gusto mo siya? At plano niyo talagang pabagsakin ako?"
Umiling ito."Maniwala ka sa akin. Ni-hindi ko nga alam ang totoong plano niya. Nalaman ko na lang noong nakita mo kaming nag-uusap. Tsaka ikaw lang naman ang gusto ko ah."
Inirapan ko ito. Iniwas ko ang tingin ko dahil sa kung anong init na naman ang lumabalas sa mukha ko. Kanina pa nga ring tumatambol ang puso ko... at dahil 'yon sa kaba at kung anong emosyon.
Pakana nga lahat ng babaeng 'yon. Nasira niya ng buo ang buhay ko. Mali man, masama man pero hinihiling ko na sana maranasan din niya ang sakit na binigay niya sa akin. Ang daming taong nadamay at nasaktan dahil sa kaniya.
Kinuha niya ang kasiyahan na nasa sa akin. She made my life so much more difficult, she ruined so many people's souls and lives, and I wanted her to be punished so hard for that. I wanted to witness her crying and begging God not to experience that emotion ever again.
"Gusto 'kong sabihin na.... Hindi kailanman man naging plano ni Macy ang anak natin." he blurted out.
Mas lalo akong napatitig sa kaniyang ngayon. Napakaseryoso ang kaniyang abong mga mata. Napakaganda niya talagang tanawin.
"Our child is the outcome of our love. My love for you and your love for me led to the creation of our daughter." he said under his breath.
Hanggang ngayon ay talaga babaeng anak pa namin ang iniisip niya. Ano kaya ang mararamdaman niya kapag sabihin ko sa kaniya si Ashra? She always wanted to have a daughter. At ngayong meron nga talaga, sasabihin ko ba? Ipapakilala ko ba? Deserve din naman niya di ba?
After learning what actually happened during that time, I felt an overwhelming sense of guilt and regret. Kung sana nakinig lang ako ng mas maaga kay Drazen ay siguradong hindi sila nagkalayo ni Ashra. E di sana namuhay ng may ama si Ashra- may Tatay na ipapakita tuwing family day at Tatay na tatawaging Daddy.
There are a lot of "what ifs" and "might have beens," and due of my own self-centeredness, Ashra never experienced what it's like to have a father, and Drazen never witnessed her daughter's growth, which hurts me so much.
I promise that this will be the last time that I make a mistake. This time, I will make sure that everything is taken care of properly. I shall do this not for my own satisfaction at this moment but rather for their own happiness. They are deserving of the joy that the entire world are experiencing.
"Drazen, I'm sorry." sambit ko at nagsimula ng nagsituluan ang mga luha ko. "I-I'm sorry that I never listened to you... I'm so sorry."
"Hey, don't cry. It's fine." Will it be fine too when I tell you the truth about our daughter?
He cradled my face in his hands and wiped the tears that were streaming down my face. He moved closer to me and grabbed my shoulders to give me a hug. The moment he hugged me, it was as though my body received instant relief, his hug felt like it gave my body some much-needed rest.
"No, it's not fine, Drazen!" I still had the guts to talked to him back.
"Alright, it's not fine. Whatever you say baby." I felt him kissed my head. "I miss you."
My heart started to tumble as he said those words. Stop doing that heart! Drazen might hear it! Pero ano naman kung marinig niya? Ang lakas kaya ng kabog ng puso niya ngayon! Is that even for me?
"Don't you miss me?" his voice was like a lullaby, he caressing my hair too.
Imbes na sumagot ay mas isinubsob ko na lang ang mukha ko sa may dibdib niya. Agad kong naamoy ang pabango nito. Wala talagang pinagbago, ang bango-bango pa rin nito hanggang ngayon.
"A..." tawag niya sa akin.
"Hmm... I miss you..." I whispered.
Ayaw na ayaw ko 'yon aminin noon pero hindi ko na talaga matiis. I badly miss him so much. Hindi talaga ko sanay noon na wala siya. Nahihirapan rin ako pero dahil akala ko na plinano talaga nila lahat ni Macy ay iniwan ko ito.
"So, you miss me?" bakas sa boses niya na nanunukso ito.
I rolled my eyes and moved away from him to face him. "I want ice cream."
He chuckled. "But you miss me? Really?"
"Shut up, Drazen. Bumili ka na lang." sabi ko at humalukipkip.
"Drazen? Not Razen anymore?" Ngayon alam ko na kung saan nagmana ni Ashra.
"Isa." I warned him.
"It's Drazen when you hate me. And Razen when you don't." He concluded.
Well, it's true! Drazen ang tawag ko sa kaniya mula ng bumalik kami dahil galit na galit ako dito. Naiinis din!
"'Wag mong hintaying mag-bilang ako hanggang tatlo," I told him.
"Okay, ma'am! What flavor do you like?" tumayo na ito.
"Cheese and avocado." wika ko.
Tumungo na ito sa may nagbebenta. Nakita ko pang binayaran niya ang mga ibang bumibili doon. Binilhan din niya ang mga palaboy-laboy na bata doon at malalaking cone lahat! I was so distracted by what he was doing that I didn't even realize I was smiling.
"Thanks!" I exclaimed as he handed me the ice cream.
"It's already 5, almost six. Are you heading somewhere else?" he asked.
I lick my ice cream before shaking my head. "Uuwi na. Bakit?"
"Would you like to join me for dinner at my house?" He took out his handkerchief and wiped the side of my lips with it.
Hindi naman siguro masamang pumayag no? Dinner lang naman.
"Okay." I nodded. "But I need to go home before 8."
Kasi eight natutulog si Ashra, e paniguradong iiyak na naman 'yon kapag hindi ako nakita. Baka mamroblema na naman ako dahil magtantrums na naman ito.
So, after we ate some ice cream, we decided to go to Drazen's house already. Napakunot-noo ako ng mapansin na iba ang dinaraanan namin. Hindi na ito patungo sa norte. The road was familiar, the gate, the houses. Fuck! Nasa subdivision kami! Napatingin ako sa bahay namin ng madaanan namin ito. Shit!
Naglalaro pa si Ashra doon sa labas gamit ang hose at sinisiboy pa ang tubig kung saan-saan! Oh my God!
So all this time, we lived near to each other? What the fuck? Kailan pa? Bakit hindi ko nalaman? Hindi naman niya siguro alam na dito kami nakatira no? Kasi kung oo malamang matagal na niya akong kinausap!
"Are you okay? You look pale?" Tumahip bigla ang puso ko ng magsalita si Drazen. Nasa harapan na pala kami ng bahay niya.
Is fate trying to trick me in some way? His house was like six blocks away from us! Bakit naman ganon?!
Hindi ako nakapagsalita at umiling lang, "W-Wala. Tara na."
Agad na akong pumasok sa bahay niya sa takot na makita ako ni Ashra o ibang tao. Paano ako uuwi mamaya? Nakakaputangina naman oh!
May bahay na pala siga ngayon. At mas malaki pa sa bahay namin! He also have five cars and two motors. Gusto ko na lang mapamura dahil lahat 'yon ay brand new at mamahalin! The interior decor of his home was really minimalist, which is my personal preference. Malawak ang loob ng bahay at mula dito ay kita ang sala sa second floor. May sala na nga sa baba, mayroon pa sa taas.
"Do you like it?" nasa likuran ko na pala ito ngayon.
"Uh-huh... it's so nice." I whispered as I roamed my eyes around.
"What about the furnitures? May gusto ka bang ibahin?" tanong pa nito na ikinasalubong ng kilay ko.
"Drazen, are you dreaming? This is your house, not mine." pagsasabi ko sa kaniya.
Parang nabunutan naman ito ng tinik at napaubo na lang. Nanliliit ang mga mata 'kong tumingin sa kaniya. He went to the kitchen while carefully unbuttoning the two buttons on his white polo and folding the end towards his elbow. Sinundan ko ito at agad na namangha ng makita ang magandang kitchen na komokonekta sa dining area. Yayamanin ang lahat ng gamit niya!
"l'll just cook. Sit there muna," he pointed at the counter top.
Nakanguso ko siyang sinunod. I did nothing but watch him as he went about his own business. He had a more rugged and manly appearance now than before. Ang lapad ng likuran niya. Does he work out a lot? Nag-g-gym siguro siya palagi. Damn... those muscles. Agad kong sinipat ang sarili ko dahil baka kung ano-ano na naman ang maisip ko tungkol sa kaniya.
I expected us to leave the Philippines as soon as possible. Pero mukhang tatapusin talaga namin ang isang buwan dito. I've been intending to tell him about Ashra, and perhaps this is the right moment to do so. I can just tell him now, but I'm a little bit nervous about it. Natatakot ako sa magiging reaksyon nito.
Habang nagluluto ito ay nag-uusap naman kaming dalawa. Kinakamusta namin ang isa't-isa. Kinamusta ko din ang pamilya niya. Sabi niya ay may business naman ang mga ito. Pinalitan daw din niya kasi ang Papa niya noong eleksyon. So he started learning about politics and all, so that what made him busy. Sinabi ko rin naman ang mga trabaho ko at mga ginawa ko noon. Hindi ko nga lang tinalakay si Ashra.
"Saan kayo sa Canada?" Tanong niya habang kumakain kami. Ang dami niyang prinepare na pagkain kaya medyo natagalan ito sa pagluluto. Ayaw pa naman magpatulong!
"Toronto," simpleng sabi ko.
Tumango-tango ito. "Hindi naman pang-gabi shift mo?
"Hindi." Kasi ayaw ng anak mo!
"Oh good. You can stop working too if you want." he casually said.
Napatingin agad ako sa kaniya. "Aanhin ko pa ang degree ko kapag hindi ako nagtrabaho?"
Tsaka hello?! May anak tayong pinapakain ko at pinapaaral. Mabuti nga at tumigil na ito sa pagdede dahil formula pa ang gusto! Ayaw sa akin kahit meron namang gatas!
Alangan din namang tumambay na lang ako, e nakapagtapos naman ako sa pag-aaral! So sayang 'yung ng pag-aaral ko kapag tumigil, ang dami kayang may gustong mag-abroad, bakit ko pa sasayangin?
"Well... I'm just suggesting." he winked at me and continued chewing. "If you refuse to give up, I will just find a solution on my own."