A/N: As promised once we reached 1k reads. Thank you so much! So here it is!
This is a work of fiction, Alternate Universe (AU) so to speak in the language of “stanning and shipping couples”. Names, characters, business, events and incidents are the products of the author's imagination. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental. The photos that are used for visual representation do not by any and all means intend to infringe copyrights. Any editing or alterations of the photos for visuals will be indicated in the photo itself as part of the disclaimer.
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(Channels 999 until 2011)
Sean’s POV
It hurt.
Like hell.
The first few months, there were days that seemed like a blur and I don’t remember what happened. I know I have agreed to part ways with her in order for me to grow and I am trying to come to terms with the fact that we might not even be back in each other's arms in the future. No matter what I say or do, at the end of it all, we will part ways because Jamie, with all that she is, will rationalize the situation as much as she could.
I fought the idea of hating that side of her so hard. The “Whys”, “If only you could consider...”, “There are ways to keep us going and make this work...”, “I could stay, I will choose to stay.”, “You love me but why are you letting me go?” These things went through my head all throughout the time I was preparing to leave the country, even until I started the semester and the months after.
The idea of “You can come with me.” even crossed my mind but I can never ask her to do that because she has so much going on with her career and she will not uproot herself at that time, I’m sure of it. It will also be so unfair. That is why I had to live through it, the whole cycle of getting disappointed, frustrated, sad and lonely, angry at times, missing her to the point that I just wanted to book a flight home or even dial her number just to hear her voice. It went on for a while, longer than I hoped it would last.
But then I remembered the words she would usually utter in times of despair among other things, “Be honest about all your feelings and talk to someone if you can and muster your strength to adjust your perspective. Those feelings are part of who we are and what we will be, we just have to be honest about them and change our perspective. We don’t want to regret this and that because regret is what chains us and would keep us in the cycle of despair.”
She’s right though and I realized that I should live the way I ought to so that I could flourish.
It’s been more than two years since I held her face, hugged her, wiped her tears away while saying my goodbyes at the airport. The night we had the conversation and agreed that we slowly cut the threads that bind us was not our last day being together - which was a relief and I was so thankful for because I could never let go just like that.
We agreed that while I was still in the country, we will be there for each other but not as much as we used to, one day away from each other, two days, a week, two weeks, a month, until the very last day I am to leave for Germany.
I did not expect her to see me off at the airport because weeks leading up to my flight, we did not see each other nor talked on the phone. It was like conditioning ourselves of what is to come for who knows until when and if ever it would still be us at the end of this all.
Some wouldn’t agree with the way it ended because it was a prolonged agonizing separation but I’d have that anyday than end us abruptly. A minute or even a second with her will still be a good memory.
I cried like a child leaving behind his favorite people in the world while hugging them tightly. Jamie stayed there with my parents, until I lost sight of them.
After our last hugs, she handed me a letter before I left and that got me through all the painful nights and days until I got past the pain of being broken and uprooted.
I drank occasionally but that would never really solve anything so to bury the pain, I studied harder and put in as many hours as I could in the laboratory. I also dated to see if I could get back to that scene again, there were a few interesting people but they never stick. We just ended up being friends or acquaintances. The women I went out with would always tell me that half of me is somewhere finding its way back. I guess they were all right and I was so apologetic on that part and thankfully, they never asked why. I guess they too understood me, which I was grateful for.
I made good friends here too. It was challenging at first due some barriers but eventually I found a good circle of friends that helped me enjoy my life here.
I would take weekend trips with them to throw in some normalcy and explore what this new country can offer. I never came home during breaks, holidays, or any special occasions. I could never. I only sent messages to my parents and did not stay long on the phone with them. It just made me miss them more.
One time my Mom and Dad couldn’t take it anymore and decided to visit me after a year and a half to see how I was truly doing. I was against the idea but who can blame our parents for wanting to see their child as often as they could right?
“You didn’t have to come visit me. I’ll be done here pretty soon and I am doing okay, better.” I told my parents when I picked them up at the airport.
“That is nonsense! We miss you and we wanted to see how you were doing. You tell us you are okay and all but look at you! You look like you lost weight, not eating properly, and have you been sleeping right? Those dark circles and eyebags betray you.” My mother started scolding me.
“I look better now than a few months back, Mom.”
“If you can call this better then I don’t know what state you were in a few months back, Sean!”
My father kept his silence. He knows that my mother is never going to end this conversation until she’s satisfied.
“Mom, I am better. I promise, I truly am. My grades never suffered too, so don’t worry about me too much. It’s just that there’s so much to do at school and the lab. You know how it can get hectic.” I assured her because she’s looking all concerned.
We can never really take that away from our parents, the worry for their children. Even if we get older and get busy with our own lives, we are still the precious babies in their eyes. I missed them, I admit. So much.
“Yeah, we know that no matter what, you never let your grades suffer but you… your health is. Looking at you all skinny and lacking sleep!”
“I’m sleeping better, don’t worry. I get to bike around here for exercise and I do that everyday. And yes, I miss you both so much too.” I gave her my sweetest smile, kissed her forehead then hugged her to calm her down.
I was lacking sleep and got a little skinnier than usual because I put more hours in at the research laboratory on top of learning the language. I studied harder than I have ever done the first year that I was here because I wanted to get this over as soon as I could. But I challenged the idea because I realized that I’m not doing myself a favor and I am not fulfilling what the special person in my life wished for me. I had to slow down and stop giving myself a hard time because she will never approve and be happy about it.
Yes, call me crazy, but I still hold on to that hope that I will get Jamie back and she will have me back. I just need to grow like what she said.
She is my beacon of light.
Even if she would disagree at times, she will always be part of the reasons why I do things. I consider myself in the equation these days now. I guess that’s what she wanted. We will be equal parts, most of the time if we can help it, in the reasons we do things.