XIII. you can let it go
Carl had never met anyone like Mia in his life. Someone who hid her suffering with a smile. Always so calm and collected when really, she was battling herself in her mind. She was always assuring him that things would be okay. But did she really think that? Carl never wanted to know so much about a person before. They understood each other. Mia was on her own for so long. He was desperate to know what happened to her in all those years. What she was thinking. What she saw. How she felt. And it scared him.
Carl's biggest downfall was how easily attached he got to people and it always ended the same. His mom was dead. Patrick was dead. The world took and took from him and told him to deal with it.
They lied side by side in the dark office. But the light coming in through the window was bright enough for Carl to make out her features. Closed eyes, feather like eyelashes. Her cheeks were squished against the palm of her hands. Freckles dotted on her skin. Dark curls fallen in front of her face. Her chest rose up and down slowly and she exhaled through her nose. Maybe it was the way her nose twitched in her sleep or the way her body lightly jolted at random times, but Carl didn't look away.
"Why are you staring at me?"
His eyes widened. "I'm not." His voice went high and he immediately cleared it.
Mia opened her eyes into slits. "You're doing it right now."
"Oh. . . sorry." He whispered awkwardly.
"Can't sleep?"
"Not really. I'm afraid if I fall asleep something bad'll happen."
Mia groaned under her breath and shifted on the uncomfortable floor. She opened her eyes fully. "You look like you have a lot on your mind." She mumbled to not wake the kids around them.
He really did, he just didn't know what to say first. "Tell me something about yourself." He blurted out.
Mia blinked her tired eyes. "Oh, uh. . ." She struggled to find something to say. His interest shocked her. "My real name is Amelia."
Carl's lips curled into an amused smile. "Amelia?"
"My mom thought I was going to be the poised one in the family." She explained with a quiet laugh.
"Amelia." He repeated and laughed. "Wow, didn't expect that."
She rolled her eyes again. "You ever call me that and I'll throttle you." She shifted again. "Want to play a game?"
"What kind of game?"
She shrugged. "I don't know. You seem to be curious, so, twenty one questions?"
He pulled a face. "Lame."
She rolled her eyes for the hundredth time since she had known him. "We don't have many options here."
"Okay, okay." Carl laughed again. "You wanna go first this time?"
"Sure, since it was my idea." Mia grinned. "Umm. . . What was your childhood like before the apocalypse?"
"That's a good question. Well, I was on the soccer team."
"Really? She said with wide eyes. "No way. I couldn't tell."
He faked a gasp. "That's so mean."
"Joking!"
"Did you play any sports or anything?"
"I liked playing volleyball."
"Volleyball." He repeated. "For some reason I was getting softball vibes."
She chuckled. "No way. I have horrible eye coordination."
"Bad feet coordination too. You can't kick a soccer ball to save your life."
"I've been around you for too long."
"Don't act like you don't love my company."
Mia shrugged again. "No comment. Were you scared when the apocalypse first hit?"
Carl shifted on the uncomfortable floor. "I think I was more scared about the chaos. I didn't really understand what was happening at first. But having to leave my dad is what scared me the most."
"Yeah." She whispered and nodded. "I'm sorry you had to go through that."
"What was your family like?"
The forbidden question. Mia froze, her eyes still, and she contemplated on answering. "They were the best." She spoke with a shaky voice. "It might sound cliche but we really were the perfect family.
"My mom passed away from a brain tumor after the sickness was announced. She was already dying, but, it got worse. We tried everything to keep her from getting sick but she was already too far gone. She died in her sleep."
The smile on his lips turned into a frown.
"She's was the most amazing mother. She loved us all so much. I miss her but I'm happy she doesn't have to suffer through this." Mia continued. Her voice was starting to crack.
He stared at her with sadness swimming in his eyes. The look on her face. The crack in her voice. The grief she exuded. Carl knew. "The way you are with Judith and Luke. The way you care for the kids. You had a sibling, didn't you?"
Mia didn't know why she had put so much trust in him. For years, she bottled up her pain and kept everything to herself. Was today the day she would be willing to spill the secrets of her past? She wanted to keep her past bottled inside of her forever because talking about it was painful. But she trusted Carl. For some unknown reason, Mia trusted him. "I had a twin brother." Her mouth went dry. "And a little sister."
He didn't dwell on it. "What were their names?"
She cracked the tiniest smile. "Lucas and Paris."
"What happened to them?" Carl continued with the softest voice she'd heard him use.
She didn't realize how close they had gotten. Both of their hands were positioned under the side of their heads and they were so close she could feel his breath hit her face. They spoke quietly to keep from waking everyone around them.
She flinched when she suddenly heard breaking glass. "We were in a bad car accident passing through Atlanta. My dad had put us on the move in search for shelter somewhere. Somewhere safe. The impact from the serve was so hard it flipped the car and few times and my dad and Paris ended up flying out of the car. Lucas and I hid in the backseat so we would be seen. W-We didn't know they were gone till they walkers got to them."
Crash. The sound of walkers snarling. Riley's flesh being torn apart. Paris's body no longer a body. Mia crying her eyes out. Lucas's hand over her mouth.
Mia blinked and she was back in the office, Carl across from her, and kids surrounding them fast asleep. His cold eyes warmed against hers. "You don't have to keep going." He whispered to her.
She shook her head. "No, it's okay. It was me and Lucas on our own for a long time. Dad had been teaching us survival skills since the apocalypse was announced but Lucas was always better at it than me. He was like my guardian even though we were twins.
There was so many times I felt guilty for him pulling all the weight but half the time I was too scared to do anything. He didn't care though. He just wanted to protect me. One day, we came across an abandoned town and started looking for food."
Her whole body felt heavy like she was trying to sink into the floor. Her mouth hurt like her teeth were being ripped from her gums. Her bones were on fire. Mia wanted to scream but she couldn't. Her mouth filled with blood. Bitter and metallic. There was so much of it.
"D-Did he get bit?" Carl stuttered like he was afraid to hear the question.
She ripped off the bandaid. "Yes. I didn't see it happen because I was on the other side of the store. But I heard his scream. One bit into his neck and the other ripped him apart. He asked me to kill him. Then he died in my arms."
A tear rolled down and cheek and to her nose. Carl reached for her hand. It was a shy, innocent, slightly awkward thing, but then she squeezed his hand.
"Sometimes I feel so guilty for moving forward with life that I don't want to live at all." She continued and felt another tear come down her face. "But then I feel guilty for taking all of this for granted. Your father saved me. I don't have to be scared anymore. This is what my father wanted for us."
Carl shook his head. "You don't have to be sorry for doing it on your own."
Even in the dark, his icy eyes were dark with sadness. "Don't take things for granted, Carl. Don't take your father for granted. He loves you and Judith so much that he's willing to do anything to protect you."
"Okay. Thank you for telling me."
"Thank you for listening." She whispered back.
Mia didn't realize she fell asleep until she heard gunshots. She shot up from the floor at the same time Carl awakened. Neither realized their hands were still connected. He pulled her up and they ran out of the room. "CARL!" Rick's voice echoed in the hallway. "We heard gunshots!" Carl exclaimed.
"I need your help. Both of you." His father quickened c shining a flashlight in their faces.
They quickly followed him. When they ventured outside to the fences, Mia's eyes went wide when she saw the hundreds of walkers pushing against the metal fence, their faces snarling through the holes. "Holy shit."
Wooden logs were wedged against the fence and the ground to keep it from toppling over. "Carl, you nail this one down. Mia, help me hold it in place." Rick ordered the teenagers.
Mia nodded without a word and they held the upper part of the log while Carl nailed the bottom. "Think they're okay?" He asked, referring to the people inside.
"If things were bad, we would have heard more shots." Rick answered. "Maggie would have gotten us."
"Maybe it was a false alarm?" Mia insisted even though she knew it wasn't true.
"Maybe. We have to do this."
"Let's do it." Carl said and went to pick up another log.
The snarling walkers and the rattling from the fence got louder and louder. She turned around and one of the logs snapped in half. "No!" Mia panicked and sprinted.
"Mia!" Rick shouted her name.
She held her weak arms again the fence. Fear pulsed in her veins. She let out a small scream when a walker came close to her, its jaws snapping. The fence started to come forward.
Just as Rick was about to help her, another log snapped the right side of the fence came down. Walkers started flooding in. "RUN!"
Carl grabbed Mia's hand and immediately dragged her away. Rick stayed back and started stabbing the walkers. "Carl, the tower!" She shouted and pointed to the guard tower.
Rick chased after them and tripped over the grass. "Dad, come on!" Carl shouted at his father and let go of her hand to help him up.
The three of them rushed into the guard tower and Rick slammed the door shut, leaving behind a loud echo. They ran to the other exit of the tower and came out only seeing the walkers were stuck on the other side.
"Dad, what do we do?"
"Maybe I could back the bus up against the fence." Rick suggested.
"Will it hold?" Asked Mia, her breaths heavy.
He glanced down wordlessly. His own breaths became heavy and he looked back at the walkers before grabbing them. "Come on." The teenagers followed him to the barrels that held all the guns. "Pockets." He ordered.
Mia started shoving stuff into the pockets of her jeans and flannel. Rick handed the both of them rifles. "Got it?"
Carl nodded quickly. "Yep."
The pushing of the fence made Mia's eyes widen more and she stared at the walkers. Her blood ran cold. Rick grabbed her shoulder. "Mia, Carl, listen to me. Magazine goes in here. Release is here. Make sure it latches." He explained the guns to them as they made their ways to the fence. "Pull back the operating rod and rounds feed up. Keep squeezing the trigger for rapid fire, okay?"
Mia knew everything about guns because of her dad.
"You shoot or you run." Rick breathed when he became eye level with them. "Don't let them get close, okay?"
The teenagers nodded.
The force of the pushing finally made the fence collapse and the hundreds of walkers made their way into camp. There was so many. How would they survive this? Mia immediately grabbed Carl's arm, making him look at her. "If this is the end, just know you're my best friend." She uttered."
Before he could respond, Rick started firing the gun. The sound made both of the jump and they immediately started firing. One by one, the walkers started going down. Mia tried to ignore how the gunshots made her ears ring. Blood spattered everywhere and multiple bodies dropped dead on the concrete. She never took her eyes of them. Anger clouded her vision until all she saw was red. These were the things that killed her family. The things that tore open her beloved father and baby sister. The things that ripped apart her dear twin and they were the reason why she had to end his life. These were the things that ruined everybody's lives.
In this world, it was killed or be killed. What choice did she have?
Her bullets shot into the heads of every walker that came in her direction. "Back off!" Rick hollered at them. They backed up and reloaded the guns. One walker got too close to Rick before he could reload his weapon and he used the butt of the gun to hit the walker in the head. Before he could shoot it, Carl pointed his gun to it and shot it directly in the forehead. He tossed his father another clip.
Gunshot after gunshot after gunshot, Mia would never be able to get the sound out of her head. The shots continued until nearly every walker was killed. Carl shoved a spear through the head of a creature that was still on the ground. Sweat coated Mia's forehead and she was lost of breath. She felt weak and tired. The three of them walked past the dead creature and shoved the spears through the heads of any that were still alive. It looked like a crime scene even though they were already dead.
Carl glanced at the girl who stared at the lifeless creatures on the ground. Her face was expressionless but he could see it in her eyes that she was hurt. Not physically, but emotionally, and he felt his heart sink.
The sound of a car brought their attention to see a van approached the gate. It was Daryl and Michonne. Mia sighed in relief. "Dad,everything's gonna be okay." Carl said quietly.
Rick nodded without a word. He went to open the gate and Mia glanced up at the man with glistening eyes. Rick placed one of his hands on the neck of her neck and she cracked a smile. The two of them hurried to follow Carl and pulled open the metal gate.
Michonne drove the car through the gate and Tyreese immediately got out of the car. "Sasha. How's Sasha?"
Rick shook his head. "I don't know. I'm sorry."
"Get in there. We got this." Daryl hurried.
Tyreese immediately ran toward the cell blocks. Mia followed after him, wanting to help. When she got to cell block D, she hurried up the stairs and saw Maggie kneeling by Glenn. She gasped at his state. His skin was ghostly white and covered in sweat. A tube was lodged down his throat to keep his airway cleared.
Maggie saw her appear. "He's gonna be okay, Mia. Everything's okay now." She reassured.
Her doe like eyes scanned Glenn's hopeless figure lying on the ground and her heart sank. She sank down to her knees beside Maggie and laid her head on her shoulder. The older woman wrapped her arm around her shoulder. "Is it over?" She whispered, feeling like the little girl she was.
"I hope so, honey." Maggie whispered back.
"I was really worried about you."
She smiled down at her. "I was too."
The events of the night left Mia feeling shaken and tired. Her body ached from exhaustion. The sound of the gunshots still rang in her ears. She made her way back cell block A. Carl saw her walking down the hall. "You okay?"
She paused and looked straight ahead. She took deep breaths. "I'm not really sure."
He stared at the side of her face. She glanced at him and gave a half smile. "But I'll be fine." She partially lied.
"I think we should go to sleep." He suggested.
"That sounds like a good idea."
The two of them walked down the hall to the room with all the little kids. Carl looked at her again. "Mia?"
"Yeah?"
"You're my best friend too."